(by Nancy Kennedy)
I kept dwelling on how I should be the one looking that good.
January 3, 2008 |
At a dinner party a few years ago, I encountered an acquaintance whose job involved planning parties and events. She’d lost a lot of weight and looked incredible in her sleek black dress. She didn’t have to do any of the actual work at the party; she had “people” for that.
That’s when the green-eyed monster—envy—attacked. I don’t have “people,” I thought. I don’t even own a black dress.
The more I thought about her, the more I hated her. Even though I know all the biblical admonitions against it, I couldn’t stop envying this woman. The harder I tried, the more envy I felt.
I kept dwelling on how I should be the one looking that good. I stayed across the room from her, avoided her attempts at conversation, growled under my breath, and wished that she’d gain all her weight back or maybe ruin her black dress at the cleaners. And that I’d lose more weight than she had, get my own black dress, and look even better than she did.
At that same dinner, I met another woman. Back then my secret, silent goal was to be the funniest person wherever I went. That meant you could be funny, but, if we were seated at the same table, you couldn’t be funnier than I was.
However, no one informed the funny woman of that. So, as all the guests at the table clutched their sides from laughter at her quips, I sat stone-faced and stone-hearted, filled with envy and venom. I hated her hair; I hated her outfit; I hated her voice and every word coming out of her mouth because those words should have been mine. How dare she usurp my role!
I knew I had a choice: Either I could acknowledge the table was big enough for two funny people, or I could be a jerk. The jerk gene being dominant, every time she cracked a joke, I added a zinger of my own.
Soon we both had everyone at the table laughing, but only I knew she and I were at war. Afterward, she graciously told me she enjoyed meeting me and hoped to meet again. That’s when I knew how a snake felt: I faked my response with a firm handshake and a full-toothed smile. Then I hastily slithered off.
On the ride home, I thought about how envy had thoroughly corrupted my heart. I was ashamed and disgusted, and I cried for forgiveness. I saw my envy, at its core, as an affront to God’s goodness: that all he’d done for me and given me wasn’t enough. Envy poisoned my thinking about and affections for the people God tells me to love—like the woman in the black dress, or the funny woman at my table.
The writer of Hebrews said, “Be content with what you have” (Hebrews 13:5). As I ponder being content with what I have, I realize I have exactly what God wants me to have—not just material things, but talents and gifts and abilities, too. Therefore, to want anything more than what I have actually is to want less.
When I believe that, the monster goes away.
Has envy been monstrous in your life? How has envy affected you and your relationships with others? How have you dealt with it?
Source: christianitytoday
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The Eye of The Beholder
(by Bethany Patchin)
"Do I look okay?" I stared at the worried face of the 13-year-old girl. Her rosy cheeks, shiny hair, and flowery shirt were all spotless, in striking contrast to our surroundings — a dusty, dull grey building in the process of becoming a Mexican church. "You look great," I replied as I wiped the cement splatters and sweat from my brow. This is a missions trip, honey. No one cares what you look like. Just get dirty.
Working with a group of teenage girls, you hear an endless number of these comments. "I wish I looked like her." "Does this shirt make me look ugly?" "I hate my figure." It simultaneously tries my patience and encourages my compassion, because it reminds me of myself at that age. I remember what it was like to look in the mirror and dislike what I saw. I remember spending minute upon minute criticizing my features, practicing make-up application, and sighing. Since then I’ve observed just how much of an obstacle self-criticism can be. For instance — a woman who cannot accept God's creative blueprint for her body will have a hard time accepting the honest love of a spouse. If a man tells her that she’s beautiful, she has to assume that he’s either lying or blind. People (this is true for men, too) who are self-depreciating are rarely able to receive the gift of a sincere compliment. They are constantly hindered in their interactions with others because they can’t stop worrying about their own image. Yet so many people never realize this. Why?
Wendell Berry, in The Unsettling of America, points to the physical models we are bombarded with every day and unconsciously trained to measure ourselves against: "Girls are taught to want to be leggy, slender, largebreasted, curly-haired, unimposingly beautiful. Boys are instructed to be 'athletic' in build, tall but not too tall, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, narrow-hipped, square-jawed, straight-nosed, not bald, unimposingly handsome...” A Kentucky farmer, Berry’s own physical ideal is that of good health. “Though many people, in health, are beautiful,” he writes, “very few resemble these models. The result is widespread suffering that does immeasurable damage both to individual persons and to the society as a whole."
Seeing Ourselves
An intense focus on our physical appearance and our failure to conform to (supposed) physical ideals is damaging because it is sinful. The Book of Genesis reveals that man was created in the image and likeness of God. Our bodies are visible reminders of God’s glory. When we constantly complain about them or try to re-fashion them according to our own designs, we disdain God’s greatest creation.
There's nothing wrong with a woman occasionally highlighting her features with makeup. But it’s doubtful that God wants us to spend half the morning covering up the faces he intentionally blessed us with. There is a certain honesty and vulnerability in a clean, unembellished face. It shows humility, and draws attention away from the merely external to the soul shining through the eyes. There's also nothing inherently bad about a man working out to strengthen his muscles. But spending hours in the gym striving for perfectly defined tone is not a good use of one’s time or body. There is much more to be admired in the modest arms of a man who increases his strength by carrying his children, tilling the ground, or maintaining his house. The Apostle Paul calls the body the temple of the Holy Spirit. We should worship with the temple; we must not worship the temple itself. The body is a glorious creation, but its purpose is to glorify the Creator.
Discerning Beauty
Our bodies are meant to be instruments for God, not trophies to attract the opposite sex or to gain admiration from our own. Man was created as a unity of body and soul — the two cannot be separated and looked at apart from each other. For this reason, a truly beautiful body is one that gives shape to a beautiful soul. The Bible teaches that a beautiful woman is one with a quiet and gentle spirit. A handsome man is strong in character, pure in thought, and tender in action. When superficial beauty covers an impure spirit, it becomes a mockery. Proverbs 11 puts it bluntly: “Like a ring of gold in a pig’s snout is a fair woman without discretion.”
There will be people who are more physically attractive, more aesthetically pleasing to the eye than others. But our differences are what make us so very appealing. If all flowers were roses, we would never experience the beauty of a mixed bouquet of contrasting daisies, dahlias, lilacs, tulips and daffodils. Roses are magnificent, but they are not everyone's favorite flower. Charlotte Bronte gives us a picture of true beauty in her novel Jane Eyre. The heroine, Jane, is described as beautiful in spirit but “plain” in appearance — she is nearly the opposite of the physical ideal of the day: the plump, pale and pampered society belle. Next to the lovely and haughty Blanche, her rival for the love of Mr. Rochester, Jane seems nondescript and undesirable. But Mr. Rochester is not deceived by appearances. "To women who please me only with their faces” he explains to Jane, “I am the very devil when I find out they have neither souls nor hearts — when they open to me a perspective of flatness, triviality, and perhaps imbecility, coarseness, and ill temper: but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue, to the soul made of fire, and the character that bends but does not break — at once supple and stable, tractable and consistent — I am ever tender and true."
Proverbs 31 says that charm is deceptive and beauty soon fades. This doesn't mean that physical beauty isn't to be enjoyed or acknowledged (read the Song of Solomon) — but that the truest beauty is found by looking through the body, not at the body.
Distorted Vision
All of this wisdom seems utterly foolish to our culture today. And it is very hard not to believe the culture, when our outlook is shaped by billboards, store window displays, and popular songs; when our coffee tables are strewn about with catalogs and magazines selling “perfection”; when television, movies, and the internet provide an illusionary world full of fascinating, adventurous, and beautiful people; when all around us, the human body is exploited for the purpose of seducing customers, reducing the image of God to a mere object — and a common, cheap one at that.
If we were to honor and guard our bodies for what they truly are, striving for good health and an honest presentation of ourselves, we wouldn’t need to spend money on “improving” or disguising them. By making an object of the body (whether of worship or denigration — these are two sides of the same coin), they hope to make us forget that our bodies aren’t plastic, that we will age and eventually die. They want us to believe that happiness is found in bodily pleasure, physical beauty, and self-love, so that we will pour our money into fashion, cosmetics, entertainment, and self-help. Who are “they”? Call them Hollywood, call them the media. Their lies are ancient. In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis describes the Evil One's strategy for distorting our perceptions:
It is the business of {Satan's lowerarchy} to produce in every age a general misdirection of what may be called sexual 'taste.' This they do by working through the small circle of popular artists, dressmakers, actresses, and advertisers who determine the fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females — and there is more in that than you might suppose. As regards the male taste we have varied a good deal... We now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female's chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children. We are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist — making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible.
Unfortunately, most of us buy into what they sell us, both figuratively and literally. This is particularly obvious when you look at the rooms of young women. Their walls are plastered with pictures of movie stars and singers, their counters are covered with beauty products, their floors are piled high with trendy clothes and fashion magazines.
Our environments have a tremendous impact upon the condition and sensitivity of our souls. I spend a lot of time in my room — it is my sanctuary, the center of my home and living. If, everywhere I turned, I saw pictures of supermodels and movie stars, I would probably be embarrassed to show my face outside without carefully applied makeup and spritzed hair. I would feel unappealing in the loose shirts and frumpy jeans that are the staples of my wardrobe. In short, I would be unhappy with the package God gave me.
We have to be careful of the images we expose ourselves to and surround ourselves with, because it is extremely difficult (if not impossible) to gain a truthful perspective on beauty and the body while we are immersed in the popular culture. Only by stepping back from the world can we hope to see things from the perspective of heaven.
Sight Restored
"Faced with the sacredness of life and of the human person” Pope John Paul II asserts, “...wonder is the only appropriate attitude." What right do any of us have to look with disgust upon a creation as magnificent and priceless as the human body? Each of us, like Adam, is hand-fashioned by God Himself. Not only are we an amazing feat of biological engineering, but each of us is a singular masterpiece, one that will never be seen again on this earth. Our countenance, our body shape, our unique combination of hair, eye, and skin colors — they are exclusive to us. These little facets reflect the beauty of the Creator as a prism reflects light.
Everyone is familiar with the fairy tale of Beauty and the Beast. Near the story’s end, as the beast lies dying, Beauty at last pronounces her love for him: the spell is broken and the beast is transformed into a prince. This is a beloved story partly because it is our story. We are all Beasts in the sense that we need the magical love of another to transform us into beautiful creatures. But the fairy tales fail us when we look for that love in another human being. The cause of our ugliness is sin, and only the love of the Creator can restore us to wholeness. Jesus sacrificed himself not just for our souls but for the whole of us. Our bodies will rise again, glorified. This doesn’t mean that in heaven we’ll all look like immortal Barbie and Ken dolls; a glorified body is one cleansed of sin and free from corruption and death. The kingdom of heaven does not take its standards of perfection from fallen man. Why would we need to lose the wonderful quirks and unique features that distinguish us as individuals? Who knows — in heaven our appearance might not change at all, only our eyesight.
Because when we truly look at ourselves and each other as God sees us, we will not see faults and blemishes — we will see the image of Christ, dazzling and radiant in beauty.
Source: Boundless
"Do I look okay?" I stared at the worried face of the 13-year-old girl. Her rosy cheeks, shiny hair, and flowery shirt were all spotless, in striking contrast to our surroundings — a dusty, dull grey building in the process of becoming a Mexican church. "You look great," I replied as I wiped the cement splatters and sweat from my brow. This is a missions trip, honey. No one cares what you look like. Just get dirty.
Working with a group of teenage girls, you hear an endless number of these comments. "I wish I looked like her." "Does this shirt make me look ugly?" "I hate my figure." It simultaneously tries my patience and encourages my compassion, because it reminds me of myself at that age. I remember what it was like to look in the mirror and dislike what I saw. I remember spending minute upon minute criticizing my features, practicing make-up application, and sighing. Since then I’ve observed just how much of an obstacle self-criticism can be. For instance — a woman who cannot accept God's creative blueprint for her body will have a hard time accepting the honest love of a spouse. If a man tells her that she’s beautiful, she has to assume that he’s either lying or blind. People (this is true for men, too) who are self-depreciating are rarely able to receive the gift of a sincere compliment. They are constantly hindered in their interactions with others because they can’t stop worrying about their own image. Yet so many people never realize this. Why?
Wendell Berry, in The Unsettling of America, points to the physical models we are bombarded with every day and unconsciously trained to measure ourselves against: "Girls are taught to want to be leggy, slender, largebreasted, curly-haired, unimposingly beautiful. Boys are instructed to be 'athletic' in build, tall but not too tall, broad-shouldered, deep-chested, narrow-hipped, square-jawed, straight-nosed, not bald, unimposingly handsome...” A Kentucky farmer, Berry’s own physical ideal is that of good health. “Though many people, in health, are beautiful,” he writes, “very few resemble these models. The result is widespread suffering that does immeasurable damage both to individual persons and to the society as a whole."
Seeing Ourselves
An intense focus on our physical appearance and our failure to conform to (supposed) physical ideals is damaging because it is sinful. The Book of Genesis reveals that man was created in the image and likeness of God. Our bodies are visible reminders of God’s glory. When we constantly complain about them or try to re-fashion them according to our own designs, we disdain God’s greatest creation.
There's nothing wrong with a woman occasionally highlighting her features with makeup. But it’s doubtful that God wants us to spend half the morning covering up the faces he intentionally blessed us with. There is a certain honesty and vulnerability in a clean, unembellished face. It shows humility, and draws attention away from the merely external to the soul shining through the eyes. There's also nothing inherently bad about a man working out to strengthen his muscles. But spending hours in the gym striving for perfectly defined tone is not a good use of one’s time or body. There is much more to be admired in the modest arms of a man who increases his strength by carrying his children, tilling the ground, or maintaining his house. The Apostle Paul calls the body the temple of the Holy Spirit. We should worship with the temple; we must not worship the temple itself. The body is a glorious creation, but its purpose is to glorify the Creator.
Discerning Beauty
Our bodies are meant to be instruments for God, not trophies to attract the opposite sex or to gain admiration from our own. Man was created as a unity of body and soul — the two cannot be separated and looked at apart from each other. For this reason, a truly beautiful body is one that gives shape to a beautiful soul. The Bible teaches that a beautiful woman is one with a quiet and gentle spirit. A handsome man is strong in character, pure in thought, and tender in action. When superficial beauty covers an impure spirit, it becomes a mockery. Proverbs 11 puts it bluntly: “Like a ring of gold in a pig’s snout is a fair woman without discretion.”
There will be people who are more physically attractive, more aesthetically pleasing to the eye than others. But our differences are what make us so very appealing. If all flowers were roses, we would never experience the beauty of a mixed bouquet of contrasting daisies, dahlias, lilacs, tulips and daffodils. Roses are magnificent, but they are not everyone's favorite flower. Charlotte Bronte gives us a picture of true beauty in her novel Jane Eyre. The heroine, Jane, is described as beautiful in spirit but “plain” in appearance — she is nearly the opposite of the physical ideal of the day: the plump, pale and pampered society belle. Next to the lovely and haughty Blanche, her rival for the love of Mr. Rochester, Jane seems nondescript and undesirable. But Mr. Rochester is not deceived by appearances. "To women who please me only with their faces” he explains to Jane, “I am the very devil when I find out they have neither souls nor hearts — when they open to me a perspective of flatness, triviality, and perhaps imbecility, coarseness, and ill temper: but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue, to the soul made of fire, and the character that bends but does not break — at once supple and stable, tractable and consistent — I am ever tender and true."
Proverbs 31 says that charm is deceptive and beauty soon fades. This doesn't mean that physical beauty isn't to be enjoyed or acknowledged (read the Song of Solomon) — but that the truest beauty is found by looking through the body, not at the body.
Distorted Vision
All of this wisdom seems utterly foolish to our culture today. And it is very hard not to believe the culture, when our outlook is shaped by billboards, store window displays, and popular songs; when our coffee tables are strewn about with catalogs and magazines selling “perfection”; when television, movies, and the internet provide an illusionary world full of fascinating, adventurous, and beautiful people; when all around us, the human body is exploited for the purpose of seducing customers, reducing the image of God to a mere object — and a common, cheap one at that.
If we were to honor and guard our bodies for what they truly are, striving for good health and an honest presentation of ourselves, we wouldn’t need to spend money on “improving” or disguising them. By making an object of the body (whether of worship or denigration — these are two sides of the same coin), they hope to make us forget that our bodies aren’t plastic, that we will age and eventually die. They want us to believe that happiness is found in bodily pleasure, physical beauty, and self-love, so that we will pour our money into fashion, cosmetics, entertainment, and self-help. Who are “they”? Call them Hollywood, call them the media. Their lies are ancient. In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis describes the Evil One's strategy for distorting our perceptions:
It is the business of {Satan's lowerarchy} to produce in every age a general misdirection of what may be called sexual 'taste.' This they do by working through the small circle of popular artists, dressmakers, actresses, and advertisers who determine the fashionable type. The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females — and there is more in that than you might suppose. As regards the male taste we have varied a good deal... We now teach men to like women whose bodies are scarcely distinguishable from those of boys. Since this is a kind of beauty even more transitory than most, we thus aggravate the female's chronic horror of growing old (with many excellent results) and render her less willing and less able to bear children. We are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist — making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible.
Unfortunately, most of us buy into what they sell us, both figuratively and literally. This is particularly obvious when you look at the rooms of young women. Their walls are plastered with pictures of movie stars and singers, their counters are covered with beauty products, their floors are piled high with trendy clothes and fashion magazines.
Our environments have a tremendous impact upon the condition and sensitivity of our souls. I spend a lot of time in my room — it is my sanctuary, the center of my home and living. If, everywhere I turned, I saw pictures of supermodels and movie stars, I would probably be embarrassed to show my face outside without carefully applied makeup and spritzed hair. I would feel unappealing in the loose shirts and frumpy jeans that are the staples of my wardrobe. In short, I would be unhappy with the package God gave me.
We have to be careful of the images we expose ourselves to and surround ourselves with, because it is extremely difficult (if not impossible) to gain a truthful perspective on beauty and the body while we are immersed in the popular culture. Only by stepping back from the world can we hope to see things from the perspective of heaven.
Sight Restored
"Faced with the sacredness of life and of the human person” Pope John Paul II asserts, “...wonder is the only appropriate attitude." What right do any of us have to look with disgust upon a creation as magnificent and priceless as the human body? Each of us, like Adam, is hand-fashioned by God Himself. Not only are we an amazing feat of biological engineering, but each of us is a singular masterpiece, one that will never be seen again on this earth. Our countenance, our body shape, our unique combination of hair, eye, and skin colors — they are exclusive to us. These little facets reflect the beauty of the Creator as a prism reflects light.
Everyone is familiar with the fairy tale of Beauty and the Beast. Near the story’s end, as the beast lies dying, Beauty at last pronounces her love for him: the spell is broken and the beast is transformed into a prince. This is a beloved story partly because it is our story. We are all Beasts in the sense that we need the magical love of another to transform us into beautiful creatures. But the fairy tales fail us when we look for that love in another human being. The cause of our ugliness is sin, and only the love of the Creator can restore us to wholeness. Jesus sacrificed himself not just for our souls but for the whole of us. Our bodies will rise again, glorified. This doesn’t mean that in heaven we’ll all look like immortal Barbie and Ken dolls; a glorified body is one cleansed of sin and free from corruption and death. The kingdom of heaven does not take its standards of perfection from fallen man. Why would we need to lose the wonderful quirks and unique features that distinguish us as individuals? Who knows — in heaven our appearance might not change at all, only our eyesight.
Because when we truly look at ourselves and each other as God sees us, we will not see faults and blemishes — we will see the image of Christ, dazzling and radiant in beauty.
Source: Boundless
Not Enough Beauty
(Answered by Candice Z. Watters)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I consider myself to be a very plain-looking young woman. I've never been one to wear makeup, style my hair, wear fashionable clothes, etc. In addition, I'm overweight. I was never popular, and I never wanted to stand out in a crowd. I emerged from junior high and high school relatively "unscathed" by the typical cattiness of the other girls mostly by remaining unnoticed.
I've heard countless messages about how a girl shouldn't put too much emphasis on physical beauty. But is it possible that this message can be taken too far? Shouldn't we temper what we say depending on our audience? I feel like no one has tempered his or her words regarding beauty for someone like me — someone who's already disinclined to try to be beautiful.
I find myself at 24 just as I was at 17 — still overweight, still plain-looking and still detesting the time, effort and money required to "beautify" myself in the world's eyes. I still have never been on a date, and I still stubbornly insist that a man should get to know me and love me for what's on the inside, rather than what's on the outside. The only thing that's changed is that now I find myself wanting to someday be married and have children as God has designed (a result of having come across the Boundless webzine this summer). And I wonder: Have I done something wrong? Have I mismanaged the body God has given me?
All these "anti-beauty" messages I've heard make it sound like it's a sin to constantly strive to be beautiful in the world's eyes. But is it equally a sin to NEVER try to be beautiful in the world's eyes? Have I unconsciously been fighting the whole "beauty" thing too hard all these years?
What tempered message can you give to me and others like me? (I can't be the only one, right?)
REPLY
Thank you for writing. A couple of weeks ago I answered a beauty question from someone whose friend had no interest in her outward appearance and thought anyone who broached the subject was unworthy of her friendship. This week's reply reads like a part 2 to that exchange. And given all the questions about beauty in my inbox, I could easily do parts 3, 4 and 5. This is clearly a topic that's on the mind of lots of our female readers.
You asked if the beauty message should be tempered depending on the audience. I believe the message should remain the same regardless of who you're talking to, whether women who emphasize their looks too much or too little. The principles of stewardship and modesty are universal and apply to both crowds. It's just that the former needs to pay more attention to their modesty, while women like you need encouragement to be good stewards.
Beauty is not sinful. God made it. Many of the women in the Old Testament were singled out for their physical appearance. Sarah and Rebekah were so beautiful that their husbands feared they might be killed by other powerful, lustful men. Esther's beauty had everything to do with why King Xerxes chose her among all the virgins and Abigail's beauty surely played a role in staying David's murderous hand.
As my government professor from graduate school used to say, the Old Testament shows how beauty plays a key role in diplomacy.
But as I've written before, Scripture is equally clear that when we make the creature our focus — rather than the Creator — we're guilty of idolatry. And the consequences that follow are ugly. (See Ezekiel 16 and Isaiah 3:16-26.)
Yes, there are lots of Christian women who struggle with the problem of overemphasis on beauty. But you're right that others fall into the category of "mismanagement" or neglect. And as you're discovering, this has a profound effect on some of your other goals, most notably your growing desire for marriage and family.
You wrote, "I still stubbornly insist that a man should get to know me and love me for what's on the inside, rather than what's on the outside." You then ask, "have I unconsciously been fighting the whole 'beauty' thing too hard all these years?"
I think your two questions are related.
First, about men. They are visual.
Think about that. More than most women, most men are stimulated, animated and activated by what they see. It's hard for women to fully grasp what this means because it's not our nature to be equally aroused by the images around us. We're more relational.
Granted, some would insist there is no difference between men and women. And our hyper-sexualized culture has altered the way some, even many, women react to what their eyes see. But generally speaking, men get their primary input through their eyes, while we get it through our hearts and minds. A woman who feels loved and accepted by her husband is much more willing and ready to respond to him sexually than is a woman who feels threatened, unappreciated or ridiculed. It has everything to do with her feelings. Even if he looks like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or (put the name of your favorite actor, sports hero or musician here), if she feels unloved, she will be less likely to respond.
There's been a host of books and studies that confirm this. Both anecdotal and scientific evidence abounds: Men and women are different. Everything from their brain chemistry to their emotional responses confirms it.
This is not to say it's OK for men to be sexually aroused by any and all women. Jesus was clear that lust is a sin saying that "everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). But it follows that Jesus knew He needed to address the issue of looking at a woman with lust because He knows of a man's propensity for it.
That said, knowing that men have to fight their sin nature (Job 31:1) is not justification for women to neglect their outward appearance. As you've discovered, being overweight and unattractive does little to attract a man's attention and ultimately, affection. Yes, there are men for whom externals mean nothing. But most men do want to marry a woman they find attractive. And it's not just that they want someone pleasant to look at. How you care for your externals sends powerful messages to men about your stewardship of what God's given you.
As you suspect, you can go overboard in both directions. A woman with abundant natural beauty who piles on the makeup and dresses seductively is just as poor a steward as a plain woman who "detests" all efforts to make the most of her appearance.
The kind of man a Godly woman should want to marry would esteem a woman who strives to be lovely, both inside and out.
This is not, however, about the world's standard of beauty. It's about making the most of what God has given you. I think it's safe to say most men would be equally turned off by a woman who obviously neglects her appearance. But as to what each defines as lovely, men are as varied in their taste as women are. Some like a more natural, clean-scrubbed look while others appreciate the enhancements of makeup. Some go for athletic and lean, others prefer a rounder, more huggable woman. You should not fear that if you embrace whatever loveliness God has given you, you will fail to appeal to a man.
I used to think that and found it easier to simply do what I wanted (which included too much junk food and not enough exercise) and then blame the men around me for being shallow and more concerned about my looks than my heart when any failed to ask me out.
Yes, my heart and character is a key part of what attracted Steve, but I'd be omitting half the story if I didn't also say that as I grew my severe, short and sassy haircut out to a more feminine length, he began to find me more attractive. And increasing my commitment to a healthy diet and daily exercise didn't hurt either.
What you need is help knowing what's appropriate attention to your looks as opposed to our culture's current obsession. That includes daily exercise for health and well-being, not hours of compulsive training at the gym. It also means giving your body good fuel, so it has the best shot at running well for a long time. If you fill it with junk, it won't. Consume the food and drink your body was designed for (whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein, plenty of water) and steer clear of those things that leave it sluggish and diseased (refined sugars, hydrogenated oils, white flour — basically pre-packaged junk food). The human body is like a high-performance vehicle; You're a Ferrari, not a Yugo. You need to treat yourself accordingly.
When you do, you not only model stewardship, you also show that what matters to men matters to you. And often, that communicates a respect that's the most attractive thing of all.
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I consider myself to be a very plain-looking young woman. I've never been one to wear makeup, style my hair, wear fashionable clothes, etc. In addition, I'm overweight. I was never popular, and I never wanted to stand out in a crowd. I emerged from junior high and high school relatively "unscathed" by the typical cattiness of the other girls mostly by remaining unnoticed.
I've heard countless messages about how a girl shouldn't put too much emphasis on physical beauty. But is it possible that this message can be taken too far? Shouldn't we temper what we say depending on our audience? I feel like no one has tempered his or her words regarding beauty for someone like me — someone who's already disinclined to try to be beautiful.
I find myself at 24 just as I was at 17 — still overweight, still plain-looking and still detesting the time, effort and money required to "beautify" myself in the world's eyes. I still have never been on a date, and I still stubbornly insist that a man should get to know me and love me for what's on the inside, rather than what's on the outside. The only thing that's changed is that now I find myself wanting to someday be married and have children as God has designed (a result of having come across the Boundless webzine this summer). And I wonder: Have I done something wrong? Have I mismanaged the body God has given me?
All these "anti-beauty" messages I've heard make it sound like it's a sin to constantly strive to be beautiful in the world's eyes. But is it equally a sin to NEVER try to be beautiful in the world's eyes? Have I unconsciously been fighting the whole "beauty" thing too hard all these years?
What tempered message can you give to me and others like me? (I can't be the only one, right?)
REPLY
Thank you for writing. A couple of weeks ago I answered a beauty question from someone whose friend had no interest in her outward appearance and thought anyone who broached the subject was unworthy of her friendship. This week's reply reads like a part 2 to that exchange. And given all the questions about beauty in my inbox, I could easily do parts 3, 4 and 5. This is clearly a topic that's on the mind of lots of our female readers.
You asked if the beauty message should be tempered depending on the audience. I believe the message should remain the same regardless of who you're talking to, whether women who emphasize their looks too much or too little. The principles of stewardship and modesty are universal and apply to both crowds. It's just that the former needs to pay more attention to their modesty, while women like you need encouragement to be good stewards.
Beauty is not sinful. God made it. Many of the women in the Old Testament were singled out for their physical appearance. Sarah and Rebekah were so beautiful that their husbands feared they might be killed by other powerful, lustful men. Esther's beauty had everything to do with why King Xerxes chose her among all the virgins and Abigail's beauty surely played a role in staying David's murderous hand.
As my government professor from graduate school used to say, the Old Testament shows how beauty plays a key role in diplomacy.
But as I've written before, Scripture is equally clear that when we make the creature our focus — rather than the Creator — we're guilty of idolatry. And the consequences that follow are ugly. (See Ezekiel 16 and Isaiah 3:16-26.)
Yes, there are lots of Christian women who struggle with the problem of overemphasis on beauty. But you're right that others fall into the category of "mismanagement" or neglect. And as you're discovering, this has a profound effect on some of your other goals, most notably your growing desire for marriage and family.
You wrote, "I still stubbornly insist that a man should get to know me and love me for what's on the inside, rather than what's on the outside." You then ask, "have I unconsciously been fighting the whole 'beauty' thing too hard all these years?"
I think your two questions are related.
First, about men. They are visual.
Think about that. More than most women, most men are stimulated, animated and activated by what they see. It's hard for women to fully grasp what this means because it's not our nature to be equally aroused by the images around us. We're more relational.
Granted, some would insist there is no difference between men and women. And our hyper-sexualized culture has altered the way some, even many, women react to what their eyes see. But generally speaking, men get their primary input through their eyes, while we get it through our hearts and minds. A woman who feels loved and accepted by her husband is much more willing and ready to respond to him sexually than is a woman who feels threatened, unappreciated or ridiculed. It has everything to do with her feelings. Even if he looks like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or (put the name of your favorite actor, sports hero or musician here), if she feels unloved, she will be less likely to respond.
There's been a host of books and studies that confirm this. Both anecdotal and scientific evidence abounds: Men and women are different. Everything from their brain chemistry to their emotional responses confirms it.
This is not to say it's OK for men to be sexually aroused by any and all women. Jesus was clear that lust is a sin saying that "everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). But it follows that Jesus knew He needed to address the issue of looking at a woman with lust because He knows of a man's propensity for it.
That said, knowing that men have to fight their sin nature (Job 31:1) is not justification for women to neglect their outward appearance. As you've discovered, being overweight and unattractive does little to attract a man's attention and ultimately, affection. Yes, there are men for whom externals mean nothing. But most men do want to marry a woman they find attractive. And it's not just that they want someone pleasant to look at. How you care for your externals sends powerful messages to men about your stewardship of what God's given you.
As you suspect, you can go overboard in both directions. A woman with abundant natural beauty who piles on the makeup and dresses seductively is just as poor a steward as a plain woman who "detests" all efforts to make the most of her appearance.
The kind of man a Godly woman should want to marry would esteem a woman who strives to be lovely, both inside and out.
This is not, however, about the world's standard of beauty. It's about making the most of what God has given you. I think it's safe to say most men would be equally turned off by a woman who obviously neglects her appearance. But as to what each defines as lovely, men are as varied in their taste as women are. Some like a more natural, clean-scrubbed look while others appreciate the enhancements of makeup. Some go for athletic and lean, others prefer a rounder, more huggable woman. You should not fear that if you embrace whatever loveliness God has given you, you will fail to appeal to a man.
I used to think that and found it easier to simply do what I wanted (which included too much junk food and not enough exercise) and then blame the men around me for being shallow and more concerned about my looks than my heart when any failed to ask me out.
Yes, my heart and character is a key part of what attracted Steve, but I'd be omitting half the story if I didn't also say that as I grew my severe, short and sassy haircut out to a more feminine length, he began to find me more attractive. And increasing my commitment to a healthy diet and daily exercise didn't hurt either.
What you need is help knowing what's appropriate attention to your looks as opposed to our culture's current obsession. That includes daily exercise for health and well-being, not hours of compulsive training at the gym. It also means giving your body good fuel, so it has the best shot at running well for a long time. If you fill it with junk, it won't. Consume the food and drink your body was designed for (whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein, plenty of water) and steer clear of those things that leave it sluggish and diseased (refined sugars, hydrogenated oils, white flour — basically pre-packaged junk food). The human body is like a high-performance vehicle; You're a Ferrari, not a Yugo. You need to treat yourself accordingly.
When you do, you not only model stewardship, you also show that what matters to men matters to you. And often, that communicates a respect that's the most attractive thing of all.
Source: Boundless
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