True Forgiveness

Recently I’ve been reminded about one unsolved heart’s matter… and it made me realize that for all along I haven’t completely forgiven a person. I thought I did, but it turns out that I haven’t finished the process…

This morning, I imagined about Him… He’s been through something similar, even harder ones…

I imagine He was looking to people, one by one, who raise their hands… shouted His name in great joy, when He entered Jerusalem by a colt…
I imagine He was looking to people who followed Him, who have been healed by Him, who have been fed by Him in a miraculous night, who have been taught by Him… The faces that expressed gratitude, amazement, and loyalty…
(Not to mention His “faithful” diciples…)

But later on, He saw the same faces, this time full of anger and disgust… They shouted His name, this time in hatred, while He was in Pilate’s court… He saw their faces when they picked Barabbas over Him to be set free, when they cursed Him and demanded Him to be crucified…
(Not to mention the fact that His diciples had left Him all alone because of their own fear).

And… don’t forget about Peter’s denial, in spite of what he had said just before (Luke 22:33). Imagine that moment when Jesus saw Peter straight in the eye (Luke 22:61)…

I just speechless about what was on His mind and His heart at that time… either towards Peter or other people…

He, who is blameless and sinless, can forgive us…
While we, the same sinful people, tend to keep other’s faults and find it hard to forgive them…
It’s kinda ironic, don’t you think?

Forgiving is forgiving. End of sentence.

There’s no “but” or “even though” or “only if”…
Because a true forgiveness arises from a broken heart that has been completely restored by His unconditional love…

He said that to love Him is to obey Him (1John 5:3) and He wants us to forgive others (1 John 2:9, 1John 3:15, Luke 6:37, and Col 3:13)

“For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you.”

(John 13:15)

Being Real is a real Problem

(By Gregory Spencer)
Source: Boundless

When I was a boy, I spent many afternoons with my legs straddling a wide white branch of a walnut tree. I fingered the dials and wheels of the plywood instrument panel I knew would one day take my brother and me to Mars.

During dreamy summer days, we might pose any number of profound questions to each other, but our favorite was, "If you had to choose, would you rather go blind or deaf?" The answer could not have been more obvious to me then. I would rather go deaf, sight being too precious to lose. For the sighted, seeing is usually the most defining sense.

How much more so in an image-saturated culture. Unfortunately, in our times, we have come to believe that seeing is all that is necessary for experiencing. This is what I call the Gospel of Sight: What the eye values is the most important truth; the image — our image — is what matters most.

Though I don't dislike the media (I love movies. I watch TV), I take what I have assumed to be G.K. Chesterton's observation to heart: "The thinking person always resists the most dominant thing in his culture because the most dominant thing is always too dominant." I see "the most dominant thing" as the way images have influenced the way we think and behave. In light of our longing for and our need to develop authenticity (a virtue I define as "the courage to love with a rigorous inside-out consistency"), two consequences seem especially important.

The Gospel of Sight teaches us that appearances are all-in-all. We are image-driven, image-obsessed, image-conscious to a fault. The obvious needs to be asserted: We have defined "being attractive" in visual terms. Most commercials tell us that all that matters is being as beautiful and young and thin and fit and ripped as possible. That and being rich.

How can we be deeply authentic if we think that "how we look" is top priority? Of course, caring about our appearance is not unimportant or "beneath us." God made us to notice beauty and appreciate style. We each have our own personal "way of being," our God-given uniqueness, much of which is related to our image. Everything has a kind of style: dresses, cars, sermons, governments. If we wish to communicate well, we must attend to what sounds pleasing to others and to what our body "says." But our culture has grossly overstated the role of the image. As exercise guru Jack LaLanne says: "I can't die. It would ruin my image."

We are outside-in focused, instead of inside-out. Parents have said for years that it's what's on the inside that counts, but their voices get drowned out by the thousands of voices we hear every day to the contrary. We need better skin, brighter teeth, more glowing hair. We hear that everything in our future rests on our attractiveness. A woman admiring herself in an ad for Avia shoes wants it both ways: "She knows true beauty comes from the inside — but she doesn't mind finding it in the mirror."

Inevitably, this outside-in orientation makes our sense of self dependent on external forces. We need to be noticed, to be praised for our image — and we conspire to get that attention. Over a century ago, Henry Ward Beecher got it right: "Clothes do not make the man, but once he is made, they greatly improve his appearance."

We suffer a perfectionism exacerbated by the manipulation of pixels. Every commercial photo of a face or body is altered, enhanced, made more visually stunning. Yet the more perfect the image, the greater the distance from our imperfect lives. This disparity discourages and corrupts us, especially women. I have watched my three daughters struggle with these issues. It's hard enough to live up to a good friend's beauty; but how does one compare to a digitalized "perfection" that even the supermodel doesn't possess?

And analysis is not enough. Though I know the supermodel's skin is not impeccably unblemished, that her original image might have a pimple or tired eyes, I still say, "Wow, she's beautiful." Perfectionistic words are also associated with the images: "For flawless looks, spotless skin," etc. We cannot measure up so we bury ourselves in the guilt of starvation diets and persistent self-deprecation.

We may be paying a higher price as well. Recently I asked one of my classes why so many of their generation were committing suicide. Their responses surprised me. They said that because so many resources were at their disposal, they had no good reason not to make the world better. And they should be able to make themselves better as well — perfect even — and they couldn't bear the weight.

The resonance in the classroom seemed profound to me. Yes, the world's problems overwhelm them. But the depressing tipping point is that they feel they should be dramatically other than they are. They have no excuse not to live up to the consistent messages that they ought to be perfect.

The Gospel of Sight presents "illusion" as preferable to the authentic. When my family is on vacation, someone often says, "Ooh, look at the scenery! That would make such a good picture." My typical response is, "Yes, but isn't it a good landscape? I mean, isn't it worthy without being a photograph?" It's not that I dislike photographs or images — really. It's just that they have changed the way we experience the world, and we ought to do our best to understand these ways.

The illusion becomes the standard. This last Christmas, my wife and younger daughters and I visited my eldest daughter who, at that time, was living in St. Petersburg, Russia. After getting robbed in the Metro and negotiating the somewhat uninviting city for eight days, I was delighted to spend the next five days in London before returning home to California. I said, "Ah, London is wonderful; it's like Disneyland." Ouch. Shouldn't I have said that Disneyland was like London? For shame! Somehow, the faux-reality of Disneyland has burrowed into my head as the higher standard of excellence.

This "standard of illusion" can be seen in every day life. If the norms for the speed of romance are adopted from film, we may think our own plodding efforts ought to be pumped up. And nature television has become the norm for nature. Real nature just doesn't measure up. It is not populated with enough "cute" or "fierce" beasts, nor do the wild things perform for us as they should.

Perhaps our declining participation in authentic experiences makes being authentic more difficult. We're uncomfortable in the wilderness of genuineness. We tend to be either too blunt or too evasive. At any rate, inexorably, the standard of illusion leads to my next point.

We prefer illusion. As a freshman in college, I had on my wall a newspaper photo of my girlfriend as she was receiving her crown as Homecoming princess. To this day, I am convinced that I broke up with her because she failed to live up to the photograph. You may think me shallow but I had constructed my fantasy and I was sticking with it. When we were together, she didn't look as idyllically beautiful, nor did she treat me as I imagined she should: with that radiant smile, those perfect eyes, that facial expression that let me know I was the center of her life. In person, she was, well, a person, and I preferred my image of her.

Journalist Kiku Adatto says this choice makes a curious kind of sense: "In a media-conscious environment, authenticity means becoming the master of your own artificiality." Why would a fake authenticity become preferable? Charles Williams' cautionary thriller Descent into Hell provides some insight. He tells the story of middle-aged Lawrence Wentworth who has a romantic crush on a much younger woman, Adela. In Williams' supernatural scheme, Wentworth's desire for Adela is so strong that, once Adela rejects him, he "creates" an illusion of Adela who caters to his every desire. Once, during a torrential rain, the real Adela shows up at his door and asks to be let in. Wentworth looks at the phantom Adela in his room and then out at the real one, wet and needy. Williams' says, "He recognized well enough that the real Adela might have given him considerable trouble to lift, but his whole damnation was that he would not choose the trouble to lift the real Adela."

I have been haunted by this line for years. What and who are the "real Adelas" in our lives that we refuse to lift? When do we dwell in our imagined ideal and ignore the plain truth in front of us — or inside of us? In order to live a rigorous inside-out consistency, we have to be willing to face, among other things, tragic realities. If we pretend that we don't have problems or that the world is "just fine," we will be more deeply shaken when tragedy comes our way.

Perhaps this explains some troubled marriages and divorces. Newlyweds can be shocked when they discover the darker sides of their spouse.

At my college, I sometimes hear students say (after the revelation of some terrible event on campus), "I can't believe that could happen at Westmont." I think, "Why? Do you not know that Westmont is inhabited by people?" Many of us prefer the illusion that followers of Jesus lead outwardly better lives, that they always have superior marriages, more fulfilling jobs, less tragedy. We would be better off telling the truth about our humanity, even the difficult, tragic truths. Jesus says that "the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).

As we grow increasingly comfortable with illusion, we may find that we are more concerned with creating ourselves than with knowing ourselves. We alter our outer selves incessantly: our hair color, facial features, body shapes — anything to keep looking young. And we also alter our inner selves. We affirm a version of "the Good Life" that keeps our souls in a gated community, safe from the need to deal with uncomfortable realities. We may also distance ourselves from friends who tell us disagreeable truths, especially truths about ourselves. And since we know how far we are from the image we present, we know others are distant also and so, ironically, we don't trust them.

Living in the age of the image is often thrilling and pleasing. But when its qualities dominate all others — when the Gospel of Sight reigns supreme — authenticity is threatened. The loud and flashy world shouts down this quiet virtue. A sincere effort will be required of us if we hope to be more genuine.

Let It Be With Me Just As You Say

(by Wendy Blight)

“Yes, I see it all now: I am the Lord’s maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.” Luke 1:38 (MSG)

Have you read the Christmas story yet this season? Join me today for a fresh look at this familiar story.

In Luke’s first chapter, he introduces us to a young woman named Mary. We can glean from the gospels that she was an ordinary girl, much like you and me. Scripture tells us she was betrothed to a man named Joseph. Luke does not tell us much about her every day life, but we can beleive one thing...Mary knew and loved God. How do we know this? By the truths taught in her story.

In one moment in time, this ordinary girl who lived an ordinary life came face to face with an extraordinary God. The angel Gabriel greeted Mary with these words: “You will become pregnant and give birth to a Son and call His name Jesus. He will be great, be called ‘Son of the Highest.’”

Mary asked Gabriel how this would happen since she had never slept with a man. He answered that the Holy Spirit would come upon her, hover over her, and place the child within her. He then told her, “…the child you bring forth will be called Holy, Son of God.”

Considering the immediate impact this message would have on Mary’s ordinary life – she’d have to explain to her family and her fiancé that she was pregnant – her response is powerful and such a witness for you and me. She told Gabriel, “Yes, I see it now: I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.” How could she have so quickly and easily put aside all that this surprising proclamation would mean and surrender her will to God’s?

How did Mary come to that place? I believe that in her journey up to that point there were many small steps of obedience where she had experienced and witnessed God’s faithfulness. Perhaps places where she said, “Yes, Lord,” even when it was difficult or did not make sense. Choosing to say “yes” on ordinary days prepared her heart to say “yes” on this extraordinary day!

You and I have those ordinary moments in our lives too ... moments that in and of themselves do not seem significant but when weaved together create a heart of obedience. One day God will ask us to trust Him for something extraordinary. Where will our heart be? Will we be ready to say “yes” to God, even when what He is asking seems impossible?

My prayer for you and for me is that we use this day to prepare our hearts for those moments when our extraordinary God will invite us to join Him on an extraordinary journey. Say “yes” to Him today.

Source: crosswalk

From My Love

(By George Halitzka)

Tonya was a gorgeous brunette with a pixie haircut and penetrating blue eyes. Spunky and sweet with an appetite for German literature, she had brains and personality to spare. Chad was the class clown type with a spontaneous wit and unshakeable confidence. He possessed just a touch of street attitude, and his Asian heritage gave him a unique look that Tonya loved.

Chad and Tonya were high school sweethearts, and their closest friends thought they made a great couple. Even when she shipped off to college and he joined the Army, they stayed together. Finally, Chad mustered the courage to pop the question — and she said "yes"!

Tonya happily started planning a wedding. The groom-to-be headed to his base in Kentucky.

Now, to understand the rest of the story, you should know a few things about Tonya. Her Mom maintained very strict discipline: Tonya was perpetually grounded (even from church). Her Dad was so easy-going that he rarely said "no" to anything. Forgive me for the psychoanalysis, but I don't think Tonya felt loved by either parent.

You also need to know a few things about Chad. His folks probably loved each other once, but by the time he came along, their marriage was a mutually-beneficial cohabitation. Dad was a workaholic who was never home; Mom was there but unaffectionate. Chad learned to be popular to make people notice him.

There were some warning signs before the engagement came crashing down. Chad and Tonya shared a clingy, only-time-for-one-another dependence. They never hung out with other friends, yet Chad admitted later that he still never knew Tonya. Her feelings were an enigma. Chad's jealousy and temper were issues, too — once, he had to be physically restrained when he thought he saw a guy checking Tonya out.

But through the fights that defined their engagement, the couple stuck together. When Tonya was afraid of losing him and Chad's birthday was coming, she wrapped a bow around herself, handed him a card that said "open your present," and laid down on the bed.

It was her last-ditch attempt to make the relationship last ... but it didn't work. Soon afterwards, Chad confessed to cheating on her with a girl he'd met in Kentucky. Tonya finally told him to hit the road.

The Aftermath

Chad almost immediately jumped into another relationship; he met and married Katie in less than a year. They had a son and a daughter together before things fell apart.

Then Katie discovered that Chad was hooked on internet porn. Later, he had a fling with a divorcee 10 years his senior. Chad started to see guys he'd never met dropping Katie off after her nights out. She finally left him with the kids and moved in with a new boyfriend.

As for Tonya, she was devastated by her breakup. She moved on to date other guys — supposedly, good Christian guys. One after another, they broke off the romances and left her alone. So finally, she got mad at God — how could he let her heart get ripped from her chest by one Christian after another? She started seeing an agnostic named David, got pregnant, and married him.

Today, Tonya has given up on God. She e-mailed one of her old girlfriends once: "If God doesn't care about me, at least I've finally found a guy who does." But for how long?1

Kumbayah?

Chad and Tonya's story is true. Maybe you skimmed it and shook your head, wondering how two people could be so stupid. Or maybe you read the words with the uncomfortable feeling that they described your life.

Oh, it may be friends and family who kicked you to the curb instead of your exes. But you still try not to remember the time Dad blamed you for his failing marriage. You'd like to forget the moment somebody backstabbed you for the first time. Then there was the day you and your best friend had the big fight ... and as the dust cleared, you realized you didn't have a best friend anymore.

After that, you were done with people. You decided real relationships were a nice accessory to life, but ultimately not worth the pain.

Yet is there anything that could change your mind? Anything at all that would make you give authentic community one more shot; try again to know and be known?

The only way to really solve the problem would be to return to a time before the hurt. Personally, I have great memories of childhood — before the bullies of adolescence and backstabbers of adulthood. Being a kid had its drawbacks, but community was simpler then. You could count on a best friend who knew your name to say it ... and mean it. Forgiveness, humility and integrity came a little easier before you learned why people don't do these things.

Unfortunately, I don't have a time machine to offer for a trip to first grade.

Yet maybe there's one more option to find the courage for community — a dangerous one. If you could believe, really believe, that one person loved you without a shadow of betrayal, would that give you courage to seek community one more time? Would knowing you could come home to the arms of a faithful friend change anything?

Yeah, you've heard this pitch before. God loves you right where you're at; Kumbayah and pass the tissues.

But do you believe it? Clearly, Chad and Tonya didn't.

The Orphan

Try to imagine, just for a moment, that you're a kid again. Recess is the best part of your day and a new box of crayons is a rare treat. A cardboard box is enough to take you to Mars and back! But there is one big problem in your life:

When the 3 p.m. bell rings, you don't have a Mommy or Daddy to meet you at the door.

So many of us feel orphaned from relationships in our lives; now suppose you really are an orphan. You live with some people who are nice most of the time and keep food in your tummy, but it's not the same as what the kids at school have at their houses. You know that if you could find a Dad or Mom, everything would be different. You'd love better and live stronger ... because at least one person would always be there to catch you when you fall!

One day, just as you're sitting down to dinner at the group home where you live, you hear some big news. Tomorrow, there's a man coming to adopt one of the children from this house! The room is abuzz with anticipation.

Now, a few of the kids say they don't care; they like things just the way they are. But you're not so jaded yet. You're young enough to believe it could be you, and you go to bed with an incredible dream in your heart: Tomorrow, you might find a Daddy.

The next morning, the man everyone has been talking about arrives. He's tall and imposing; just a little scary — but he has a broad smile that banishes any uncertainty. He talks with all the kids in the house; even gets down to play with the girls' dollies and heads out back for a quick game of pick-up football with the boys.

You stand off to the side, but all the while, you're thinking, "Please, pick me ... please choose me as your very own." Your eyes reach out pleadingly, but you know he couldn't possibly want you. You can't throw the ball like Dakota or read thick books like Brandy. You're not a smart or good or handsome kid — never the one who gets picked for special things.

But suddenly, the man who came to pick a child is standing directly in front of you. You look 'way up into his eyes as he smiles and extends his hand, motioning for you to come along.

You wordlessly point at yourself — "Me?" He can't possibly be choosing you! But he nods and you step away from the group. He takes your tiny hand in his, and as all of the other kids look on with unfulfilled longing, you walk out of the house hand-in-hand. He has chosen you to be his child!

"What's your name, sir?" you ask timidly.

"Hmmm ... I guess I have a few," he says. "But why don't you call me 'Daddy'?"

You are amazed. "Daddy" is the one who the kids at school talk about tucking them into bed every night. He's the one who takes you cool places and pushes you really high on the swing! Your friend Taylor says Dads can fix whatever goes wrong, from a skinned knee to a flat bike tire.

You hardly dare believe you finally have a parent of your own.

The Inheritance

The days pass quickly as you spend time with your new Daddy. You begin to realize that something is different about him; he's no ordinary man. He's much, much bigger than you thought at first.

One day he takes you to the beach, and you reach the sand just as the sun is going down. You watch the colors change and the red ball dip below the horizon. You know by now Daddy is more than just a nice man who cares for you. So you turn to him and ask timidly: "Daddy, is it true ... did you make this sunset?"

He looks down at you and smiles: "I did. Do you like it?" You nod in mute wonder, overwhelmed with the magnificence of your Father's world.

Then he musses your hair and says something even more remarkable. "You know, kid, someday all of this is going to be yours. This beauty, this joy and awe, this fleeting glimpse of eternity — you'll enjoy it every day for a trillion trillion years. One day, you'll join me in ruling a kingdom greater than any the world has ever known."

You look up at your Daddy and take his big hand in yours, so proud of everything he's made, and strangely humbled that one day you'll share in his heaven.

When you get home, you unpack your book bag and show Daddy your papers from school. He tells you he wants you to try harder in math, and you feel a little ashamed. But you understand — sometimes, Daddies have to discipline their kids to help them get better.

Yet he doesn't end with a rebuke. He takes one of your coloring worksheets from the stack of homework and hangs it up with a fridge magnet, telling you he's very proud of that one.

You're puzzled — the lines were really tiny on that paper and you couldn't quite stay inside them with your crayons; the teacher gave you a frowny-face. "Daddy, why do you like this one?" you ask timidly.

"Because on that picture, I know you tried your hardest," he says.

Nothing Can Separate

Later that night as your Daddy tucks you into bed, there's one thing bothering you. You know that even when you do your best, you can't be good all the time. Some of the kids in your group home talked about their Daddies hitting them, or calling them bad words that hurt more than the hitting. And because of their stories, you can't shake off a hidden fear that one day, your new Daddy will stop loving you and send you back to the home, deciding you aren't worth the trouble anymore.

So just before he turns out the light, you screw up all your courage and ask a question: "Daddy ... what makes you stop loving your kids?"

"Me?" he says. "Absolutely nothing."

"But what about when I do something really bad?"

"Nothing can separate you from my love," he replies.

"What if I can't figure things out in math and get an F?"

"Nothing can separate you from my love."

"What if I get hit by a car and die?"

"Nothing can separate you from my love."

"What about when I come home and it doesn't look like you're here, and I wonder if you went away?"

"Nothing can separate you from my love."

Your Daddy can tell you've run out of questions for now, so he gives you a kiss on the forehead and a big hug. But before he leaves the room, he sits down on the edge of the bed and looks you in the eyes.

"I love you, kiddo," he says. "I love you in good times and bad. I love seeing you seek after me; helping you and comforting you. I loved you before the world began, and I'll love you all the way through eternity."

Then he starts to leave the room, but before he goes, you have to say — not just because it's habit, but because it's the deep truth in your heart — "I love you, Daddy."

And he responds, "I love you too, my chosen one."

True Story

Just like Tonya and Chad's sad tale, just like your own narrative of broken relationships, this happy story is true. If you follow Jesus, you can call God "Daddy" because He's adopted you. It has nothing to do with the circumstances of your birth or how "spiritual" you are. According to Romans 8, God chose you to be his child and by faith you followed Him.

I'd like to finish Chad and Tonya's stories with a "happily ever after." The truth is, I don't know where they are today. It's my belief that they're still adopted by Jesus, but last I heard, that truth hadn't sunk in. And so they continue living only the losses and labeling of community.

Yet hope isn't gone, because the wonder of adoption by grace is standing in mute testimony to love. And so someday, Chad and Tonya may see the Source of Agape in a whole new way, and gain the courage to try one more time for something better as they contemplate God's unfailing love.

They've spent a long time not believing it — not really. Maybe you have, too. But if you ever allow it to seize your life, that won't be the end of your story. Instead, it's a new beginning — the beginning of a fresh start to community, and a much, much deeper relationship with the Friend that never leaves or forsakes you. In fact, you can call this Friend "Daddy" if you want, because nothing can separate you from his love.

That's what God is whispering to your heart. Do you believe it?

Source: Boundless

Back to Just Friends

(by Candice Watters)

I am writing in response to one of the inbox questions from the Boundless Show podcast.

I also am in a situation where I am trying to "get over" a guy. We dated for a few months a year ago. He was very intentional — he called my dad, whom he had never met, and asked for permission to court me. However, he abruptly broke up with me, with little explanation, a few months later.

I immediately cut off all communication with him (e-mail, Facebook, phone) because I recognized that this would make things more difficult for both of us. We are in the same circle of friends, however, attend the same church, the same young adults group and it is impossible to completely avoid him.

The challenge is aggravated by the fact that I don't really know why he broke up with me, and I still have feelings for him. I've shared my feelings only with a few close female accountability partners, who have prayed with me through this time. I have not been playing games or putting out feelers in any way.

I feel now like I am ready to start being friends with him again, but I don't know how. It has been almost a year. I have avoided him, to a large extent, so to move back toward platonic friendship feels a little awkward. How do I begin opening up communication again? And how do I put aside all remaining feelings for him so that I can just be friends? Because, honestly, he still isn't seeing anyone else and I can't completely crush the hope in my heart that he is still interested in me, after all this time. I feel like I am trying to balance on a fence, but fall off every time I attempt to take a step forward.

I would appreciate some wisdom for my situation.

REPLY

I'm glad you wrote and know from my own experience how hard it is to backtrack to "just friends" with a former boyfriend. It's made even trickier when the two of you occupy the same social circles and Christian community. Let me start by commending your decision to stop e-mailing, Facebooking and phoning him following the break up. Everything you've done till now to stop acting like his girlfriend is wise.

As hard as it is, it's best that you not relate to him the same way you did when you were dating. If he followed the wisdom Scott Croft and others have given on Boundless about biblical dating (here and here), that change should be minimal and the possibility that you could return to a platonic friendship will be greatly enhanced. If, however, you spent those months of dating acting married, then how you relate now should be dramatically different than it was then. It will also make it harder to return to being just friends.

You've said you still harbor hope that he's still interested in dating you again. That adds to the difficulty of relating platonically. Despite your hope, if he hasn't given you reason to think you'll get back together, the worst thing you could do — both for your own heart as well as any future relationship that might be restored with him or developed with another young man — is to give him access to your affections. Any level of intimacy without stated intentions on his part will certainly give you false hope. So the question remains — how do you go back to being friends? I'm not sure you can. I think a few other questions must be answered first.

So a couple of questions:

How physically and emotionally intimate were you when you were dating? How you answer this question will have a lot to do with whether you're likely to be able to relate to him as just a friend. The more intimate you were, the less likely normal, uncomplicated friendship is. If, however, you avoided the temptation to act married, friendship is possible.

Has he expressed interest in restoring your friendship? This is key to how he will interpret any efforts you make to change the way you've been relating since the breakup. You said you've been avoiding him up till now, so to start befriending him again if he hasn't asked you to may cause him to think you're trying to renew your romantic relationship.

Has he done anything to indicate an ongoing interest? Asking for a renewed friendship might mean nothing more than that he wants a platonic relationship. But it could be a subtle indication that he misses you and wants you back as more than a friend.

I do think the fact that he ended the relationship so abruptly — after starting it off so intentionally with a phone call to your dad — is a bad sign. That and the fact that he has allowed your friendship to lapse to the extent that you've been avoiding him for the past year.

Ideally your dad would have called him a year ago when he exited without much explanation. It would have been appropriate then for him to ask the young man some questions on your behalf. I'm afraid now it's too late for that conversation. But you could still ask your dad (and mom) to hold you accountable when it comes to how you move forward.

If it were me, I'd say a year is plenty of time for this guy to miss you, decide he made a mistake and ask you to give him another chance at dating. Absent such a change of heart, I think it may be best to move on. It may be time to stop hoping for something that's not likely to happen and open your eyes, and your heart, to other eligible Christian men in your life. It may be time to stop allowing yourself to be kept "off the market" by a man who hasn't given you a reason to. What opportunities might you be missing by pining for him?

Finally, a word about how you proceed with him when you are together (at church, small group, etc.): Just be kind. Treat him like you treat all the other men in your life, with respect as a brother in Christ. That's far less awkward and painful than avoidance or ignoring and much more sustainable.

May God heal the places in your heart that are wounded and give you the grace and desire to move into the plans He has for you.

Source: Boundless

Behind the Mask

(by George Halitzka)

I had a best friend once. It was kindergarten and he lived next door and we played every day in the front yard, except for afternoons when he tried to get his own way by crowing, "I ain't gonna be your friend no more" because I wouldn't let him use my cool magnifying glass. Of course, I got wise to that: I knew he'd be back the next day knocking at my door. So I crossed my stubborn arms and let him stomp away.

Yes, Luke had his flaws, but he was a good pal; a made-to-order companion for a 5-year-old. Unfortunately, he moved across town after first grade.

I didn't see him again until junior high. By then, I'd turned into a brainy geek while he'd become a slacker too cool to be alive. He occasionally visited my lunch table with new buds, but only because he found me a convenient target for trash-talk.

I had another best friend in third grade. Jeremy walked a few blocks to my house every day after school; we pretended we were the heroes in a make-believe world and talked about how cool computers were.

Then one day something happened — I don't remember what — and we got in a fight in my backyard. With a distinct lack of weapons available, we threatened each other with pieces of rope. (Welts are a big deal in third grade, OK?) There was a prolonged standoff. Finally, we finally made a truce — Jeremy and I would lay down our ropes at the same time.

I put mine on the ground. But instead of complying with the terms, he picked both of them up and chased me across the driveway. So I played the only card I had left: I threw him off our property with threats of hollering for my mother.

After that, Jeremy didn't come over to play anymore.

All of us would love to find some real friends, an authentic community — a place to know and be known. Even as adults we're longing for folks to call us by name. But we discovered in grade school that life hurts, and grown-ups can do far worse than pick up your welting-rope.

Take a third-grader's word for it: If you trust people, you're a dummy-pants.

Knowing and Being Known

Knowing another person is a fearsome proposition. When I meet someone new, he's already been living for years on a screwed-up planet. What bruises has he picked up along the way? I've formed the beginning of relationships only to discover people were clingy addicts or incorrigible gossips ... and I had no idea at first. It's enough to make me afraid to shake hands after church.

Being known means revealing your own scars from 20-odd years of wading through life. You're opening yourself up to rejection on a deeper level than those junior high insults when people said your Mama dressed you funny. The eighth-grade clowns could only pick on your looks. If a person knows you, he has power to stomp your dreams.

So most of us crave intimacy at the same time we're running from it, and who can blame us? We've tried to be more open and gotten ignored in return. We figured church might to be a safe place to build relationships, then found out most "Life Groups" should be called "Pretending-I've-Got-My-Life-Together Groups." If you share your real prayer requests, you'll earn three super-spiritual lectures and a rumor that you're a prideful doubter.

Yet we instinctively realize there's something greater than surface conversations! There must be hope for penetrating the platitudes.

Personally, I've found three major keys to building community, whether it's with one friend or an entire group: forgiveness, integrity, and humility. If you're longing for depth, try them at church. Try them with your friends or family or fiancé. They can bring intimacy that you've never experienced before!

But getting there is a rocky road, because you'll have to adopt a new approach to life. Your profound openness is liable to get your heart run over before you encounter the community you're longing for.

Forgiveness

It was April Fool's Day 2002, and I hadn't pulled a decent pranks since college. So I decided it was time to go toilet papering. I stopped at Walgreen's for 20 rolls, then headed for church, where my friend Kevin was the tech director.

I already knew Kevin's "studio" would be the perfect place for my redecorating project. It was best described as a starship control room masquerading as a sanitary landfill. Filled with everything from high-end computers to mountains of scrap paper to dismantled sound gear, Kevin's hangout was the perfect environment for hanging Charmin.

When I arrived, the office was wide open — and empty. It was almost like Kevin was expecting me. I kept wishing I had a camera. The TP went in and out of filing cabinets, over and around audio equipment. It was one of the best indoor jobs I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, when Kevin got back to his office, he was not amused. He'd been stressed all week and couldn't believe he was facing this enormous mess. He wasn't sure about the guilty party, but was so mad he went to his boss, who suspected the youth pastor.

The next day, I got a terse e-mail: "George, are you the one who messed up my office? I need to know."

I was in trouble.

It had been really juvenile to do that at someone's workplace — Kevin had every right to be ticked. I apologized to him, because he was my bud, but I figured we were through. I'd embarrassed us both, caused him extra work, and screwed up his whole week.

But Kevin modeled a little bit of God's forgiveness for me when he demonstrated — not in words or a single moment, but in actions — that he accepted my apology. We could move on, continuing to thread the treacherous road of friendship-building.

Forgiveness may be the hardest part of community. Some of us have gotten hurt so many times the smallest slight makes us look for the door. Yet canceling a debt is the first key to taking your relationship beneath the surface.

Without grace, no friendship can last a month.

Integrity

An anonymous writer penned these words in an essay called "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying":

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks — masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that's second nature to me. But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled! I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. Please.

When we think about integrity, we usually figure that means we don't lie or cheat. And hopefully, we'll dare to confront a friend when he's screwing up his life. But there's one more dimension to integrity that's far rarer: the courage to be yourself.

Pretending you're invulnerable is easy; we spend most of our lives convincing people we're more intelligent and attractive than we really are. But we're also dying to be known the whole time. Our masks prevent people from ever calling us by name.

I was a skilled mask artist in my younger days. I corresponded with a cute friend during college, and one day she wrote, "George, your letters are funny, but I don't see any part of you in them. They're like a string of one-liners."

She was right. I couldn't tell people what I was really feeling 300 miles away from Mom, or the doubts about my faith that were scaring me. I was sure people would think I was a freak and a lousy Christian.

Vulnerability is still hard for me. It's easy to sit on a pedestal as the Bible College Graduate in Ministry. It's hard to admit sins and how little I understand about life with God. Vulnerability is an invitation for rejection.

If you're the first one in your relationship to share a secret joy, you might be rewarded with blank stares and derision. Your integrity may be someone's excuse to turn you into their personal target. Yet until you take off the mask, you'll never get past the surface to build an authentic community.

The anonymous writer said it best: "Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. Don't believe me ... please."

Humility

Six or eight years ago I signed up for an accountability group, and got paired with two random guys from church. When I met one of them — I'll call him "Bill" — my first thought was, "I never believed I would so stoop so low."

Oh, Bill's a nice guy, but he's a maintenance man. Never went to college, a recovering alcoholic. He's 40-something with a long scraggly beard and a pot belly. Bill doesn't talk a lot until you get to know him, so — if you're judgmental like me — you figure it's because he's not bright enough to say much.

When I met him, I knew we had nothing in common. Why should we bother building a friendship?

Uh ... maybe because I was wrong.

Bill and I actually share a lot. We both love Jesus poorly, but long to do better. We struggle with lust about every day and are prone to depression. Bill and I love telling bad jokes — but his are usually about somebody walking into a bar, proving that I'm more spiritual. He's a phenomenal listener; Bill has endured my venting for almost our entire weekly meeting sometimes. He may seem "simple" on the surface, but then he unexpectedly spouts wisdom from the school of hard knocks.

One week something extraordinary happened. At the end of our meeting, we were having such an interesting conversation that he invited me to ride along while he picked up his daughter for volleyball practice. Now, I'm sure he was embarrassed to have a friend in his work van. I sat on a wooden bench covered in dirty shag carpet, the best seating he could offer. But as he drove, we talked ... about our shared faith; about ideas that, in my arrogance, I had thought were over Bill's head. I saw a new part of his world for the first time while we rattled and bumped along.

It was one of those defining moments in a friendship where you recognize, only in the aftermath, that you've been invited deeper into someone's world than you've ever been before. I knew then I was proud to be called Bill's friend. Of course, I almost missed the opportunity ... because I was far too good for him.

If you're too good for someone in your life, guess who deserves the blame for your lack of community?

Love and Loss

So if you want to know and be known, try practicing forgiveness, integrity, and humility. Your friendships are guaranteed to reach a deeper level.

But remember that without one more quality — love — community is still an empty word. Friendships can't hurt nearly so bad ... and they also won't mean a thing.

Grandpa was one of my heroes. He was always well-spoken and well-dressed; the respectable gentleman who wore a suit to church every Sunday. Practically everyone we met knew and loved the guy behind the counter at his corner store. Fred's Food and Variety was an old-fashioned place where the owner was usually present; where you could run a tab if you were behind that month; where you might even find an anonymous bag of groceries on your porch while you were between jobs.

When we went to his house, where the driveway seemed as long as a city block, he had bicycles standing by that we could ride up and down the blacktop. Sometimes he took me and my brother into the backyard to play football. Sure, he had to throw underhand because of his back, but that was OK — we were more likely to catch it anyway.

Well into retirement, Grandpa rented a booth at the flea market and designed custom-made trophies in his wood shop. I tried to keep up by opening a stationery store in my bedroom and publishing my monthly newspaper, The Halitzka Journal, in grade school. Without ever realizing it, he got me started as a freelancer.

Few people embodied forgiveness, integrity, and humility in my life like Fred Holfelder. I remember looking forward to the day when we could relate as adults; when Grandpa could be proud of me for making my way in the world. But unfortunately, when I was a sophomore in college, Grandpa had one more lesson for me about living in community, and it was the hardest one:

Loss.

Every relationship has an ending. That's why community is so rare — and so painful. We hire undertakers to handle our dead so we don't have to face mortality. If you dare to form intimate friendships, those people will move out of state someday. If you don't break up with your boyfriend, you'll marry him. Then years hence, when you love him far more than you do now, he'll die.

I remember standing up at Grandpa's funeral with my voice breaking and sharing memories. I loved him too much not to cry. Today, I still wish he was here to see how I've followed in his footsteps and maybe become a man he could be proud of. I hope he's looking down from heaven to enjoy the view.

Unfortunately, building a community, with one person or one hundred, is difficult. It calls us to bravely face loss; not running from grief but passing through the Valley of the Shadow. Knowing and being known will wound you so badly you'll never completely heal. Yet if friendships are to be worth having, and life worth living, you need to care anyway. A daring love called agape is the essence of authentic community.

Grandpa probably didn't know the Greek word for God's love; he never went to college. But from a lifetime of experience, he definitely knew what agape was about.

Source: boundless

Preparing to Marry Judas?

(by Meg Wilson)

Tracy, an attractive brunette, sat in Sue’s living room pouring out her disappointment in round salty drops. Sue was her friend from college, and they had shared many joys and tears over the years.

“I thought I did it right,” Tracy sobbed. “I dated only Christian guys with marriage potential. Once I found Mr. Right, we waited for the wedding before becoming involved physically. He seemed like such a godly man.”

Then came her bombshell.

“We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary before he cheated on me. Then I found out he was looking at pornography on the internet and has been since he was a teen. I feel like I married a traitor. How many nights has he come home to me after being with her, or looking at countless images, only to give me a Judas kiss? My folks told me we were going too fast. Even you tried to tell me.”

Sue worked with the college girls at her church, and as she listened to Tracy’s story, her mind raced to recent conversations with a girl in her group. Brittany talked about her “Mr. Right” and nothing else.

“He is such a good Christian,” Brittany often said. “I just love to watch him play the guitar with the church worship team. I can SO see myself with this guy.”

At the next youth meeting, with Tracy’s story fresh in Sue’s mind, she decided to ask Brittany some basic questions. Their conversation went something like this.

“How long have you known Jeff?” Sue asked.
“Two wonderful months.”
“What makes him a good Christian?”
“He loves to worship the Lord and he likes going to church.”
“What is one fault that you’ve found?”
Brittany looked confused, “Oh, I can’t think of anything. He is everything I prayed for in a guy.”

Sue paused, “What about his family, how do you get along with them?”
“Oh, we hardly see them. We just love being together. Why so many questions, Sue?”

Sue gathered her thoughts before she spoke.“Brittany, it’s great that you’ve found someone special, but now’s the time to really get to know Jeff and his family. If you did get married, it would be a package deal. You would not only get Jeff, but also a mother and father-in-law. Not to mention his siblings and other family members.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Brittany said.
Sue asked, “What will you do when the first real test comes?"
“What kind of test?”
“Brittany, you both will let the other down at some point. Every one of Jesus’ disciples who loved him betrayed Him after his crucifixion.”

Brittany stared at Sue with a puzzled expression. Then she said, “I haven’t really given this relationship enough thought. It’s all been about my feelings and dreams. Thanks for being real. I’m going to have to open my eyes and ask some hard questions.”

Sue decided to see how the other girls felt about finding their future husbands. How many other young women, like Brittany, approached dating with only idealistic notions about marriage? Their search for “Mr. Right” had turned into a search for “Mr. Feel Right.” These dreamy ideas come from movies, romance novels, even fairy-tales — all based in fantasy! Christian women often add the ideal of Jesus on top of these romantic notions, forgetting He was the only perfect Man. And He won’t be found at the altar in a rented tux.

Many young women also envision their future husband, their prince, as a new and improved version of their dad — assuming they had a healthy relationship. If the relationship was poor or damaged, then they choose a “prince” that they think is a polar opposite of Dad.

With these common approaches to finding “Mr. Right” in mind, Sue broached another important subject with the group. She decided to start with a question. “How did you choose where to go to college?”

Emily, one of the quietest girls, spoke first. “My parents have been saving for me to go to college since I was born. It was never ‘if’ I would go, only ‘when.’ I researched different colleges for months with good nursing programs. Then my folks and I visited a couple of my top choices to get a feel for the campus.”

The rest of the girls spelled out similar plans. They all seemed to have taken the time to research colleges and majors carefully. Most of the girls even visited more than one college. They didn’t want to make a mistake. This conversation stood in stark contrast to the ideas expressed about how to find “Mr. Right.”

Sue decided to put together some topics to discuss with the girls over the next few weeks. After researching some of the issues godly men struggle with, she had clear direction for their discussions. The statistics on young men who view pornography were off the charts. It is clear that drug use and oral sex among teens have skyrocketed. Alcoholism, gambling ... the list of potential traps is a lengthy one. She wondered if young women knew how to set boundaries, appreciate their worth, watch for red flags, and ask difficult questions before they walk down the aisle wearing white.

Sue sought to raise her group’s awareness without creating fear. She reminded them to let God direct every aspect of their life’s journey, keeping in mind, “There’s not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Allowing Christ to be their Matchmaker makes the most sense. He will choose the best. Even seemingly strong marriages face trials because we are broken people living in a broken world — a world full of betrayers.

So the question is not, “How can I avoid marrying a Judas?” The question is, “How can one broken person marry another broken person and stay together in spite of their sinfulness?”

The goal is to be transformed from being like a Judas to a Peter — restored by the hand of Christ. Peter betrayed Jesus just as Judas did, but his repentant heart sought change. He never forgot where he came from. Only when both husband and wife are honest with themselves and with each other can they grow stronger. Their life long goal should be to reflect Christ more each day. Only when God is central can a marriage survive the bumps in the road. “A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped” (Ecclesiastes 4:12d).

Later, Sue called her friend, Tracy, to see how she was doing. Tracy’s voice sounded stronger as she spoke. “I am happy to report that my husband and I are in counseling. He seems genuinely sorry and willing to work on his issues. I’m not kidding myself, though, about our future. I have decided to take each day as it unfolds trusting the Lord to guide me.”

“You can’t go wrong waiting for God’s voice.” Sue added.

Tracy responded, “I had to be willing to do my part to heal. Christ has been showing me the ways I’ve enabled my husband to be unhealthy by not recognizing the red flags and setting boundaries. My counselor helped me to see that I wanted the dream so much that I ignored the truth in front of me -- it’s humbling. I’m not as quick to throw stones at my husband.”

As she hung up, Sue thought she heard a new confidence in Tracy’s voice. She was amazed again at how the Lord works. Next week's conversation with the girls was going to be, “the dream vs. reality.”

Tools You Can Use:
Once in a serious relationship that feels like “the one,” then:

1. Take the time for a serious second look.
2. Seek Godly counsel and listen to those who are trustworthy.
3. Ask some difficult questions (see below).

Asking Unromantic Questions

Ask one or two questions over several weeks so it doesn’t feel like the third degree. Pray and let God guide the conversation. I guarantee you will know more about each other when you are through. Be willing to be vulnerable as you share your side of the same question. This list isn’t complete, but it’s a good place to start.

When dating:

 What’s most important to you in a relationship?
 What quality found in your mom and or dad do you want to emulate?
 What is the one thing in your past you most regret?
 Describe your idea of the perfect spouse.
 What does romance mean to you? Do you consider yourself romantic?
 What are your physical boundaries before marriage?

When engaged:

 What one thing do you want to be different in your marriage than in your parents?
 If there were a conflict in our marriage we couldn’t work out, would you be willing to seek godly counseling?
 What do you think about a man hitting a woman? Is it ever okay?
 Do you want kids? If so, describe your idea of a good parent.
 How do you handle your money? Are you a spender or saver?
 How do you feel about lottery tickets, social drinking, smoking pot, etc?
 What are your views on sex before to marriage?
 Have you ever looked at pornography of any kind?
 Do you think it’s okay to have a stripper at a bachelor party?
 What, if any, are your past sexual experiences?
 When were you the angriest? What did you do or how did you respond?

If you haven’t talked about these issues — do. Please don’t assume you already know the answer. The reality is there will be at least one answer you don’t like. This is a sign there is work to do -- not necessarily that you should call things off. The best situation is a couple living firmly in reality, willing to work on their issues.

*All names (other than the author’s) have been changed.


Source: crosswalk

Keep On Trusting!

(by Bayless Conley)

If you’re like me, there's been a time in your life when trusting God has been tough. Perhaps that time is right now!

Maybe your marriage isn't where you would like it to be. Perhaps it's far from ideal… even very far from being happy… and you've been praying and trusting God to turn things around.

Maybe you're trusting God for the healing of a physical affliction in your body. Maybe there's a difficult financial situation in which you're trusting God for favor. Maybe it has to do with your kids or some other situation in the home. Maybe it has to do with something that's going on at work and you're trusting God for something to change.

Whatever it is, I want to encourage you with a word from the Lord today. I want to share with you one reason to hold fast. A reason to keep believing. A reason to hold on to the promise that God has put in your heart and to keep trusting Him.

That reason is this: If God ever helped you in the past, He can help you in the now.

I read a true story recently about a guy who was totally distraught over some bills which had come due. And in the midst of his panic he remembered an experience he had as a World War II soldier fighting in the South Pacific.

He had become separated from his comrades, and some enemy soldiers had spotted him. In his attempt not to be caught, he scrambled through the jungle on the island he was on and managed to wedge himself inside a tiny little cave. And being a Christian, he prayed, "God, please protect me."

In that moment, he noticed that a little spider had started to spin a web at the mouth of the cave, and for the next 30 minutes he watched that spider spin a web as his enemy searched the caves around him.

Pretty soon, the enemy soldiers appeared at the mouth of the cave—and in an instant, they were gone. The soldier realized the enemy assumed nobody would have gone into that cave if there was a spider web in front of it!

He had let the distress about his bills overwhelm him… before finally remembering that God had saved him with a spider web! God had been faithful in a situation that had been much worse!

This human tendency to forget God's faithfulness… our failure to trust Him… is the same thing we find in Mark chapter 8, right after Jesus miraculously fed over 4,000 people with a few fish and seven loaves of bread.

Right after that miracle, the disciples had jumped into a boat with Jesus and crossed over to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. And they immediately forgot the miracle they had just watched Him perform.

Let's pick up the story in Mark 8:14…

Now the disciples had forgotten to take bread, and they did not have more than one loaf with them in the boat. Then He charged them, saying, “Take heed, beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod.” And they reasoned among themselves, saying, “It is because we have no bread.” But Jesus, being aware of it, said to them, “Why do you reason because you have no bread? Do you not yet perceive nor understand? Is your heart still hardened? Having eyes, do you not see? And having ears, do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of fragments did you take up?” They said to Him, “Twelve.” “Also, when I broke the seven for the four thousand, how many large baskets full of fragments did you take up?” And they said, “Seven.” So He said to them, “How is it you do not understand?” (v. 14-21)

Jesus is telling His disciples that they don't get it! He has just performed two amazing miracles feeding thousands with a few fish and a couple of loaves of bread. Yet they are panicking because they realize that they only have one loaf of bread now for themselves.

Somehow they have forgotten God's provision… His faithfulness. They are panicking in this situation because it has not dawned on them that what He did before he can do again.

But God does do repeat performances! He is faithful! What He has done in your life He can do again. And that's a good reason to hold fast… to keep believing… and to hold on today to the promise that God has put in your heart!

Source: crosswalk

The God that Gives Us Living Hope

(Dr. John Barnett)

Our Great and Mighty God has His Hand reaching down from Heaven to each of us. He says to us:

• I am your Creator (Isaiah 42:5).

God made you just like you are to do what no one else can do. You are my special, precious child. Trust Me, follow Me, worship Me. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Creator by saying to Him:

I will trust You Lord; and I will follow You Lord; and I will worship You Lord.

• I am your Sustainer (Isaiah 42:6).

God wants to hold your hand and keep you. Trust Me enough to grab My Hand, and love Me enough to let Me shine through your life. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Sustainer by saying to Him:

I want to by faith, from this moment forward, start reaching up each new day I live and hold onto Your Hand to show that I really do trust You; and I want to love You so that others see Your love in me.

• I am your Redeemer (Isaiah 42:7).

God bought and paid for with Christ's blood, a great price. Realize anew that you are not your own, you belong to Me. Decide anew that what you say, where you go, what you wear, and how you fill your time needs to bring honor to Me as your God. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Redeemer by saying to Him:

Thank you for buying me, I am unworthy of Your love; and I belong to You so I want You to be pleased today with what I say, where I go, what I wear, and how I spend my priceless moments of life.

• I am your Revealer (Isaiah 42:9).

God has spoken in this Word you hold. He leads you through His Word, comforts and keeps you with His Word, and changes you into more usefulness only by His Word. He says, "Let My Word fill your mind and life". We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Revealer by saying to Him:

I want to get into Your Word today and spend time with You my Lord; and I want to feel your comfort; and I want to follow Your will for my life; and I want you to change me a little more to be like Jesus today than I was yesterday.

• I am your Leader (Isaiah 48:17c).

God has given to us the pathway we are to follow in life (Psalm 16:11); and He alone is the guide we can safely follow. The Lord wants to guide and keep us; and often, it is much more than we want to follow and trust. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Leader by saying to Him:

I want to follow Your Path. I will submit to You as my Leader today. And when the path gets rough, or I begin to fear, I want to reach up again and take Your Hand stretched out to me.

• I am your Peace-Giver (Isaiah 48:17).

God has told us over and over that great peace belongs to all who will love and obey His Word (Psalm 119:165). He offers peace that flows like a river through every part of our lives; and He offers a cleansing wave of His grace across the beaches of our lives--so that we can walk on each new day of life with a fresh, new beginning. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Peace-Giver by saying to Him:

I want Your peace every moment. Keep me in that perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3), and I will do my part-I will keep my mind focused on You. When I feel restless I will repent of whatever wickedness prompted that feeling, look back at You and thank you for Your river of peace, and waves of righteousness.

Source: crosswalk

Does God Guide or Do We Decide?

(by Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck)

Bored with his desk job, Glen was thinking seriously about becoming a fire fighter. His wife was deeply concerned about his proposed career change. He took a walk one winter morning, and found a child’s toy in the snow. He picked it up, and was astonished to see that it was a fireman action figure. Although he didn’t usually think thoughts like this, he wondered if God was trying to tell him to go ahead with his plans in spite of his wife’s reservations.

The Dilemma of Decision Making

When we are faced with making a decision about which direction to go with our lives, many Christians aren’t sure how to choose a path to pursue. People may become hyper-sensitive to circumstances as they seek to perceive divine guidance. Or, they may hope others can tell them what they should do.

In our career counseling and coaching practice, we have found that people often resist taking responsibility to make big decisions. Why? Because decision-making can be difficult. There is often a lot at stake. Our decisions have the power to change our lives for the better—or for the worse. Making a decision inescapably means taking a risk. We may fear not succeeding, experiencing disapproval from family or friends, or being ultimately disappointed by our choice.

Also, many people have never been taught specifically how to make decisions, especially decisions about their vocational calling. When we are unsure what criteria to use in choosing a career, for example, we may look primarily at objective factors like salary and benefits, or ultimately make decisions based on our intuition or feelings about the options. We may know that there are other things we should consider, but not be sure what they are.

To further complicate the situation, we want to do what God wants us to do with our lives. So how do we take His will into account when contemplating a career choice or change? Is it up to God to guide or up to us to decide? The key to resolving this dilemma is realizing that it is both: God promises to guide and you are called to decide.

Called to be a Decision-Maker

God certainly can indicate supernaturally which job or career path you should pursue. At times, He may choose to do so. More typically, however, He calls us to take responsibility for making good decisions about how to use our gifts in the world. In the absence of direct supernatural guidance, we need to assume that God wants us to prayerfully and thoughtfully decide which work or ministry/service option is the best choice. “It is possible to pray, read God's Word, seek counsel, and still not feel led by God,” says Dr. Bruce Waltke. “That's the time to rely on sound judgment. God gave each of us a brain, and He expects us to put it to good use.”

Scripture illustrates that even biblical “superstars” like the Apostle Paul saw making decisions to be a natural, normal and necessary part of life. While Paul did receive divine guidance (see Acts 16:7 and 20:22), he and others also made decisions (Acts 19:21, 20:16, and Titus 3:12). Developing the ability to make wise decisions is a critical skill for Christian life and ministry. A track record of making good, biblically-grounded decisions is evidence of spiritual growth and maturity.

Guidance for Your Career Decisions

How can the Bible be helpful to you in making career decisions and other life calling choices today? After all, you won’t find a Bible verse that tells you specifically which college major to choose, whether you should change jobs in mid-life, or which career option will be best for you. In addition, the world of work in biblical times was very different from our own.

In Jesus’ time, for example, most men went into the family business whether it was becoming a merchant, rabbi, carpenter or shepherd. Most women married early, had children and took care of their home and family. “What should I do with my life?” was not a burning question of the time. The biblical world was very different than our own, yet the principles revealed in Scripture for making career and life decisions are still relevant for our contemporary lives.

The Bible plays a critical role in our decision-making by showing us what is important to God. For example, the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25) clearly illustrates that God calls us to proactive stewardship of our gifts. To apply this biblical principle to making decisions about work and ministry/service activities abilities, we need to ask ourselves a question such as: At this time in my life, how can I best use my gifts, abilities and other resources to further God’s purposes in this world? God gave you your gifts to do His work on earth, not for your own career success and advancement.

God uses His Word to enlarge the frame in which we see our work and our lives, transforming our perspective from the temporal to the eternal. The Holy Spirit within makes it possible for us to understand God’s revealed will and apply it to the specific circumstances of our lives. God can also guide us through the wise counsel of others who help us put biblical principles into practice within the decisions we face.

We partner with God in discerning our calling when we work through a reasoned process of evaluating options in light of Scripture and our design. With each step, we seek God’s guidance in His Word and through prayer. We remain receptive to the Lord’s instruction should He choose at any point to indicate specifically what He wants us to do. When we are willing to be obedient, regardless of what God calls us to do, we become people He can guide and use to fulfill His purposes here on earth.

If Money Were No Object...

(by Dan Miller)

Does this reader question/comment ring any bells with you?

“I have never understood the question (or variations on it) of 'What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?' as advice for finding one’s calling. I guess it’s because I would stay in bed, eat junk food, and watch TV. I’ve never seen any job that had any real purpose either, so who I would want to trade places with is meaningless as well. Can’t really say I’ve ever felt alive.”

Here’s why the question makes sense. In as much as you may think you really would lie around the house, eat Twinkies and watch Seinfeld reruns – my observation is that no one enjoys doing that for more than a couple of weeks. I’ve had the pleasure of working with lots of people over the years for whom making money was no longer an issue. But that really brings to the forefront the question: “ What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?” Those people don’t have the easy out that, “I only work because I have to.”

See it’s actually a whole lot easier to just barely squeak by week after week – having no extra time and certainly no extra money. In that situation no one expects you to deal with the important questions of life – you’re just doing what you have to do, right? But when confronted with having more time and money than ever needed, a person has to really decide, “How am I going to invest my time – and money?” "How can I make the world a better place?" “How am I going to make my life matter?” Yes, you really can have only so many cars, cruises, houses, and pieces of art. And my observation is that those people are immediately attracted to ideas that serve others. I don’t see many who want to plan to spend it all selfishly and just die on the same day the last dollar is spent. Rather, they, like some of you are already doing, look for ways to:

Share your time and money with those who have not had your same advantages
Bring hope and encouragement to others
Volunteer in a worthy church or community program
Start a social entrepreneurship venture
Sponsor a children’s sports program
Revitalize the downtown area of your town
Give money strategically – not just 10% dropped into the collection plate
Teach life skills to those with self-defeating patterns
’Feeling Alive’ is one of those interesting by-products. It’s not something we can approach directly – it flows out of a meaningful life. You may think you are eagerly awaiting ‘retirement.’ But time invested in meaningful activities makes ‘retirement’ diminish in its attraction.

So go ahead: spend three days staying in bed, eating Moon Pies, and watching the political drivel the news teams conjure up. See how quickly you feel worthless in body, mind and spirit.

But here’s the deal. You don’t have to wait until retirement or until you win the lottery to decide what you would do if money were no longer the issue. You really can just make those decisions now – live as if you have an abundance of time and money. Start one of the above activities today. And you might be surprised at what happens to your actual bank account when you realize what you already have to give and share.

And if you want to see what can happen to someone who just wants to eat, drink and be merry, check this out: Eat, Drink and Be Merry (Luke 12: 18)

Realizing Your Dreams

(by Cliff Young)

I love the Walt Disney Park’s mystique and theme, “Where dreams come true.” My belief in dreams and miracles (prior to my relationship with Jesus) was instilled early in my childhood through trips to Disneyland. Even though I have learned several of the Disney secrets, have been frustrated professionally, and have experienced disappointment in my personal life, I am not deterred from believing that my dreams can come true.

My desire of being a husband and a father is one dream that has taken a beating over the years. In the early ‘90s, I spent five years working with a church youth group mentoring a group of young men. Along with challenging these men spiritually, we also spent a great deal of time talking about girls, dating and relationships. Fast forward fifteen years and all of these guys are married with children, while their “mentor” is writing articles for singles. Did I miss something along the way? Did I not follow some aspect of my own advice?

There are many who wonder if life has passed them by, if their best years are behind them, or if they have been robbed of their dreams. (Did I just hear an “Amen”?) However, if we spend our time lamenting over the past and what might have been instead of what actually is, we will be blind and deaf to what God has for us today.

Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with things that move us towards progress and peace. Ronald Reagan

Life can be hard and broken dreams can beat down the strongest of faiths. I see my younger friends living out their dreams and wonder about my own, but through God’s Word I find encouragement on how to maintain and progress towards my own dreams in the midst of my friends experiencing theirs.

Do Not Covet

Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…or anything else your neighbor owns (Exodus 20:17).

Covet simply means to desire inordinately (exceeding reasonable limits).

Coveting may be the most common unspoken sin in society. It is often difficult to go through a day without, or wanting, what another has—be it large or small. However, when the desire becomes all consuming, it becomes sinful.

I watch couples enjoy an intimate dinner. I stand up for others as they exchange their wedding vows. I drive by ball fields and see parents cheer for their child. How can I maintain my desire for the same without it becoming an obsession?

My comfort comes from knowing that the God of the Universe knew and understood from the beginning the very things I would struggle with. He specifically says do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or anything else your neighbor owns. That’s pretty self-explanatory. It is a command for us to stop (excessively) wanting what others have, that includes relationships, and all that comes with it.

(He) has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).

I find it easy to fall into desiring what I don’t have or wanting what others have, yet Jesus has blessed me with every spiritual blessing I need in order to serve Him, bring honor to Him and live a fruitful life. My focus needs to be on utilizing those blessings for His Glory, not my own. I am here to serve, not to be served.

Be Happy (or at Least Joyful) for Others

Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).

How can I honestly be happy for those who are experiencing the things that I desire? How do I genuinely be joyful about what others have that I long for?

My inability to be happy for others could lie deeper within my being. I may not accept myself for who I am, for whom God created me to be, or for the place I am currently at. I am not happy for others because I don’t like myself. I do not love my neighbor because I do not love myself. I am not experiencing true joy in my life because I have not put my entire faith and trust in my relationship with Jesus.

There is no easy formula for being happy while others seem to be happier. There is no easy way to accept the struggles that we face while others seem to live unscathed. However, there is one illustration that comes to mind.

If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine (Matthew 26:39).

Jesus struggled with taking the mantle of mankind on His shoulders. His willingness to follow through was based upon the love He had for His Father and what His Father desired. Many of us don’t understand God’s plan for us, we are perplexed with His timeframe, we don’t realize how God has protected us, and we have difficulty seeing how He is utilizing us.

I am guilty of thinking I know what is best for me and direct my steps accordingly. Oftentimes, I am wrong in my thinking and in my steps.

Jesus tells us if we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer. Then we will begin to hear His voice and to recognize what He has planned for us. As a result we can accept ourselves for how and for what purpose God created us. If we truly believe we are complete in the Lord, we won’t worry about what we don’t have, but more importantly, we will have genuine joy in our heart toward others.

Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone (2 Peter 1:5-7).

Have Faith. Do Not Be Discouraged. God Will Give More Than We Can Imagine.

When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed him. … .And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred … (Romans 4:18, 19).

Most singles have the dream to be married along with raising children. When our dream is not realized within the parameters and timeframe we (or society) have set for us, disappointment may set in, our hope may weaken and our faith in God doubted.

However, if we put our hope and faith in the Lord (and His timeframe), rather than ourselves (and our timeframe), we can find solace in Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

A 44-year old female friend of mine never had a serious relationship. She invested her time in her work, church, family and friends. On a blind date, she was introduced to a 46-year old man, who also never had a serious relationship. Within three months they were engaged. Seven months after being married, they adopted two little girls.

Did either of them specifically plan for this? Within a year and a half a woman and a man, no different than many of us, became a wife and a husband, a mother and a father.

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4).

Don’t give up on yourself or on your dreams—God has not forgotten you. His plans for you are bigger and better than anything you can dream of.

Don’t take your disappointment out on others by not being happy for them. Love God, love yourself, and love others as God commands.

A friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17).

Teaching a Horse to Fly

(by Dan Miller)

The sultan of Persia had sentenced two men to death. One of them, knowing how much the sultan loved his stallion, offered to teach the horse to fly within a year in return for his life. The sultan, fancying himself as the rider of the only flying horse in the world, agreed.

The other prisoner looked at his friend in disbelief. "You know horses don't fly. What made you come up with a crazy idea like that? You're only postponing the inevitable." "Not so," said the first prisoner. "I have actually given myself four chances for freedom. First, the sultan might die during the year. Second, I might die. Third, the horse might die. And fourth -- I might teach the horse to fly."

Wow - I like this guy's thinking. Rather than giving in to victim mentality, with one creative suggestion, he creates four possible outcomes other than just being put to death.

Now – what “impossible” situation are you faced with today? Just lost your job? Just found out your bank is foreclosing on your house? Just shut the doors on the business you always dreamed of having? What are four new possibilities you could see – instead of just assuming crushing loss?

If you lost your job, you could:

Realize you’ve been “underemployed” and “undercompensated” -- do a great job search and begin a much better position.

Use your severance package to take your family on that much deserved vacation that’s been put off for too many years.

Go back to school to finish that long-awaited degree.

Finally have the opportunity to start your own business.

When and How to Terminate a Relationship

(by Neil Clark Warren)

You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.

There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.

I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.

Idea Number One

When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.

It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
- How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
- How dependent are you on this other person?
- How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?

If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."

People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."

I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.

One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.

Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.

I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."

Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.

There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.

Delay Marriage for Job's Sake

(by John Thomas)

DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

Congrats on 10 years and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate your unique stand on putting family and relationships ahead of career/money goals.

I have a question in that regard. I am 25, single, and quite eligible by many people's (including my Christian parents). Through four years of college and two subsequent years of ministry school I have only had one relationship, a six month one freshman year that ended poorly due to bad timing. No physical sin, just personalities.

I've refrained from dating (entirely, no "buddies", nothing) because of my student financial position. I have never been in debt, but up till now my student status has impaired my income considerably. I am now ready to strike out on my own and I have started a fledgling currency trading business which has been doing very well. At the rate it's growing, it will probably make a good living in a couple years, and a VERY good living in three years time. God has blessed me in it, and I'm dead certain it is His will.

But between trading, working on the side, and church/ministry activities, it takes up all my time. My thought has been that if I stay single and focused, in a couple years I will have built the business to a self-sustaining point that will free me to pursue other things like marriage, more traveling ministry opportunities, etc. But if I tried to fit in pursuing marriage, I'm worried about jeopardized my entrepreneurial efforts because of all the expense, time, and mental energy involved in romantic relationships. It could really eat into my capital and would take many more years to make up.

Most of what you've written about marriage on your blog seems to apply to the single male Christian employee who won't man up and find a wife. What do you think about intentionally putting it off for entrepreneurial purposes?

REPLY

I can't think of any scriptural basis for putting off marriage in order to build a "successful" business, however that is defined. Yes, you need to make a livable wage, but that's different. There might be some principle we could wrest from a verse somewhere that might lend itself to such an idea, but I can't think of one that would be very straightforward.

Paul allows for some instances for not marrying, but only for the glory of God and the building of the Kingdom of Christ, not financial (in)stability. Of course, building a business might very well be a piece of His marriage plan for you, so you need not assume that you face an either/or scenario. That's the quick answer.

Your question gives me an opportunity to talk a bit about God's will, which was one of the first topics I wrote about when Boundless Answers got rolling a couple of years ago.

One of the things we must understand about God's will for our lives is that it is perfect. No, it is not lived out by us perfectly. But in His sovereignty, He somehow brings His perfect will to bear upon our imperfect practice of it and works everything for our good and His glory.

I don't know how He does it. I don't have to know how He does it. I only know He is God and quite capable of working that out.

Part of what "perfect" means is that God's will for my life can't contradict itself. It's unified in all its parts. One part of it won't conflict with another. On the contrary, all parts compliment the others. So if His will is for us to have job X and pursue spouse Y simultaneously, not only can it happen, if we don't follow that guidance, we will not have inner peace. If His will is to have job X and not pursue spouse Y, the same applies: peace if we follow His will; no peace if we don't.

If you believe you are daily following the leadership of the Spirit of Christ in your life, and you are open to whatever God instructs at any given moment, then you don't need to worry about how or when it will happen. You only need to concern yourself with obedience to the will of God. If you find yourself in a month falling head over heels in love, and you know it's God's will, He'll make sure entrepreneurial pursuit X doesn't contradict pursuit of spouse Y.

If both are His will, the pursuit of both will, in fact, complement it.

When you look at the math, it might not make sense to you to pursue marriage at the moment, but God might have different plans that you don't understand (welcome to the Christian life). Stay open to the possibility. You, like most Christians, are likely called to marriage and family, and sooner rather than later. Part of God's preparation for that might be for you to establish yourself a bit financially, or it might be starting from where you are right now with your spouse by your side. Either way, God can handle it.

It's good and biblical to look to the future and plan as best as you can, as long as you are ready and willing at any moment for God to go in another direction. As many couples will testify, love often comes without warning and catches us quite by surprise, despite our plans.

God wants us to hold our lives with a wide open hand as we pursue Him above everything, both business and relational. Most of us hold on so tightly we'd need a crowbar to pry us loose from our own grip. That's not a life of faith and trust in a God who will never forsake us.

Planning and praying go hand-in-hand. The only one you can do too much of is the former. You keep your conversation with God running the whole time you're pursuing your entrepreneurial plans and obey His voice. And don't be surprised if He speaks marriage sooner than you think.

Source: Boundless

Working on Your Dream: One Step at a Time

There are two extreme sides when it comes to having a dream… One is just having a dream, wishing his or her dream would be come true, keep thinking and imagining it without doing something real to pursue it. Another is having a dream, and so hasty to make it come true, he or she wants to see the real version of his or her dream as soon as possible, mostly by costing his or her present times, health (both physicly and emotionally), relationships, and other areas of his or her life. Both couldn’t make a dream comes true the way it should. Because in everything, balance is the ultimate key.

If you just have a dream and do nothing to pursue it, you won’t going towards it nor see it in reality. Being a dreamer is a good thing, because it’s the very first step to make something new, something great, something to inspire people’s life, you can name it. But it’s just wasting your time if you don’t work on it into the next step.

You might not pursue it because you have many limitations. Well… newsflash, everyone has their limitations, even the rich ones. This is the temporary world we are live in. We have the limited source of energy, money, time, physic, etc. You might have limitation of money, others might have limitation of physic (I have a friend whose ears are deaf, but man… she has big dreams, and she has never given up. I also have a friend whose legs are crippled, but she keeps on going). We are not living in a perfect world, remember? We’re not staying in this world forever (we have this waiting status, and “waiting” is a verb while we’re still here), all of us have limitation of time. But here’s the good news, when you see yourself or your surroundings, all you can see is limitations… but when you see Him, all you can see is endless possibilities. Because “impossible” is nothing for Him.

He can open a new door, or a new opportunity, or a new phase in our life, in just a click of our fingers, just in a second. It’s an easy matter for Him. The reason why things don’t happen exactly the way we want is because He wants to work on our characters and our faith.

If you happen to be the second extreme, you might not have your dream comes true as soon as you wish. Do you ever think that maybe God wants you to practise your patience?

Do you ever think that the limitation is just His tool to slow you down, to make you understand that working on a dream is a time consuming process?

Do you ever think that He wants you to enjoy, live fully and be grateful of His gift, the present? (remember what is said by Master Oogway in Kungfu Panda movie: “Yesterday is a history, tomorrow is a mistery, but today is a gift, that’s why it called present” –I love this quote!)

If you’re so hasty in pursuing your dream, and at the same time you’re neglecting yourself, your relations, or maybe even other people’s life (their health, their relations, their other areas of life), don’t you think that what you’re doing is just taken His gift for granted?

King David (Daud) wanted to built the house of God at his age, but God said it was David’s son, Solomon, who would built His house. Walt Disney, he was a great dreamer (google his name, I’ve read his amazing works, and he had lived a balanced life too! I was so impressed!), and he had made great efforts to make his dream come true. And as you can see, his dreams are keep growing bigger and bigger, even after he died… It’s his next generations who continue to work on his dream. The point is, God has His own timeline.

We are a part of His bigger plan, and our lifetime in this earth is a part of His longer timeline. What we need to do is keep walking in line with Him… do our best, keep our faith (keep our sight in the eyes of faith), and keep His promises. He created each of us to fulfill a spesific purpose in His timing.

To make something great, it does take someone to dream… A dreamer who doesn’t stop just to have a dream, but who has faith, discipline, and courage to working on his/her dream, even if he/she has to start it with a small step. Just recall the history of great people, and you’ll find that most of them started with very small steps, with many limitations, and they gave their best efforts to make their dreams come true… the dreams that have reached your generations now. One step at a time, that’s all it takes.

PS: Let’s sing that song, Jordin Spark’s song! =p

Have a great dream everyone!!! And be a great dreamer!