(by Kevin Brennfleck and Kay Marie Brennfleck)
Bored with his desk job, Glen was thinking seriously about becoming a fire fighter. His wife was deeply concerned about his proposed career change. He took a walk one winter morning, and found a child’s toy in the snow. He picked it up, and was astonished to see that it was a fireman action figure. Although he didn’t usually think thoughts like this, he wondered if God was trying to tell him to go ahead with his plans in spite of his wife’s reservations.
The Dilemma of Decision Making
When we are faced with making a decision about which direction to go with our lives, many Christians aren’t sure how to choose a path to pursue. People may become hyper-sensitive to circumstances as they seek to perceive divine guidance. Or, they may hope others can tell them what they should do.
In our career counseling and coaching practice, we have found that people often resist taking responsibility to make big decisions. Why? Because decision-making can be difficult. There is often a lot at stake. Our decisions have the power to change our lives for the better—or for the worse. Making a decision inescapably means taking a risk. We may fear not succeeding, experiencing disapproval from family or friends, or being ultimately disappointed by our choice.
Also, many people have never been taught specifically how to make decisions, especially decisions about their vocational calling. When we are unsure what criteria to use in choosing a career, for example, we may look primarily at objective factors like salary and benefits, or ultimately make decisions based on our intuition or feelings about the options. We may know that there are other things we should consider, but not be sure what they are.
To further complicate the situation, we want to do what God wants us to do with our lives. So how do we take His will into account when contemplating a career choice or change? Is it up to God to guide or up to us to decide? The key to resolving this dilemma is realizing that it is both: God promises to guide and you are called to decide.
Called to be a Decision-Maker
God certainly can indicate supernaturally which job or career path you should pursue. At times, He may choose to do so. More typically, however, He calls us to take responsibility for making good decisions about how to use our gifts in the world. In the absence of direct supernatural guidance, we need to assume that God wants us to prayerfully and thoughtfully decide which work or ministry/service option is the best choice. “It is possible to pray, read God's Word, seek counsel, and still not feel led by God,” says Dr. Bruce Waltke. “That's the time to rely on sound judgment. God gave each of us a brain, and He expects us to put it to good use.”
Scripture illustrates that even biblical “superstars” like the Apostle Paul saw making decisions to be a natural, normal and necessary part of life. While Paul did receive divine guidance (see Acts 16:7 and 20:22), he and others also made decisions (Acts 19:21, 20:16, and Titus 3:12). Developing the ability to make wise decisions is a critical skill for Christian life and ministry. A track record of making good, biblically-grounded decisions is evidence of spiritual growth and maturity.
Guidance for Your Career Decisions
How can the Bible be helpful to you in making career decisions and other life calling choices today? After all, you won’t find a Bible verse that tells you specifically which college major to choose, whether you should change jobs in mid-life, or which career option will be best for you. In addition, the world of work in biblical times was very different from our own.
In Jesus’ time, for example, most men went into the family business whether it was becoming a merchant, rabbi, carpenter or shepherd. Most women married early, had children and took care of their home and family. “What should I do with my life?” was not a burning question of the time. The biblical world was very different than our own, yet the principles revealed in Scripture for making career and life decisions are still relevant for our contemporary lives.
The Bible plays a critical role in our decision-making by showing us what is important to God. For example, the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25) clearly illustrates that God calls us to proactive stewardship of our gifts. To apply this biblical principle to making decisions about work and ministry/service activities abilities, we need to ask ourselves a question such as: At this time in my life, how can I best use my gifts, abilities and other resources to further God’s purposes in this world? God gave you your gifts to do His work on earth, not for your own career success and advancement.
God uses His Word to enlarge the frame in which we see our work and our lives, transforming our perspective from the temporal to the eternal. The Holy Spirit within makes it possible for us to understand God’s revealed will and apply it to the specific circumstances of our lives. God can also guide us through the wise counsel of others who help us put biblical principles into practice within the decisions we face.
We partner with God in discerning our calling when we work through a reasoned process of evaluating options in light of Scripture and our design. With each step, we seek God’s guidance in His Word and through prayer. We remain receptive to the Lord’s instruction should He choose at any point to indicate specifically what He wants us to do. When we are willing to be obedient, regardless of what God calls us to do, we become people He can guide and use to fulfill His purposes here on earth.
Monday, October 20, 2008
If Money Were No Object...
(by Dan Miller)
Does this reader question/comment ring any bells with you?
“I have never understood the question (or variations on it) of 'What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?' as advice for finding one’s calling. I guess it’s because I would stay in bed, eat junk food, and watch TV. I’ve never seen any job that had any real purpose either, so who I would want to trade places with is meaningless as well. Can’t really say I’ve ever felt alive.”
Here’s why the question makes sense. In as much as you may think you really would lie around the house, eat Twinkies and watch Seinfeld reruns – my observation is that no one enjoys doing that for more than a couple of weeks. I’ve had the pleasure of working with lots of people over the years for whom making money was no longer an issue. But that really brings to the forefront the question: “ What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?” Those people don’t have the easy out that, “I only work because I have to.”
See it’s actually a whole lot easier to just barely squeak by week after week – having no extra time and certainly no extra money. In that situation no one expects you to deal with the important questions of life – you’re just doing what you have to do, right? But when confronted with having more time and money than ever needed, a person has to really decide, “How am I going to invest my time – and money?” "How can I make the world a better place?" “How am I going to make my life matter?” Yes, you really can have only so many cars, cruises, houses, and pieces of art. And my observation is that those people are immediately attracted to ideas that serve others. I don’t see many who want to plan to spend it all selfishly and just die on the same day the last dollar is spent. Rather, they, like some of you are already doing, look for ways to:
Share your time and money with those who have not had your same advantages
Bring hope and encouragement to others
Volunteer in a worthy church or community program
Start a social entrepreneurship venture
Sponsor a children’s sports program
Revitalize the downtown area of your town
Give money strategically – not just 10% dropped into the collection plate
Teach life skills to those with self-defeating patterns
’Feeling Alive’ is one of those interesting by-products. It’s not something we can approach directly – it flows out of a meaningful life. You may think you are eagerly awaiting ‘retirement.’ But time invested in meaningful activities makes ‘retirement’ diminish in its attraction.
So go ahead: spend three days staying in bed, eating Moon Pies, and watching the political drivel the news teams conjure up. See how quickly you feel worthless in body, mind and spirit.
But here’s the deal. You don’t have to wait until retirement or until you win the lottery to decide what you would do if money were no longer the issue. You really can just make those decisions now – live as if you have an abundance of time and money. Start one of the above activities today. And you might be surprised at what happens to your actual bank account when you realize what you already have to give and share.
And if you want to see what can happen to someone who just wants to eat, drink and be merry, check this out: Eat, Drink and Be Merry (Luke 12: 18)
Does this reader question/comment ring any bells with you?
“I have never understood the question (or variations on it) of 'What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?' as advice for finding one’s calling. I guess it’s because I would stay in bed, eat junk food, and watch TV. I’ve never seen any job that had any real purpose either, so who I would want to trade places with is meaningless as well. Can’t really say I’ve ever felt alive.”
Here’s why the question makes sense. In as much as you may think you really would lie around the house, eat Twinkies and watch Seinfeld reruns – my observation is that no one enjoys doing that for more than a couple of weeks. I’ve had the pleasure of working with lots of people over the years for whom making money was no longer an issue. But that really brings to the forefront the question: “ What would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money?” Those people don’t have the easy out that, “I only work because I have to.”
See it’s actually a whole lot easier to just barely squeak by week after week – having no extra time and certainly no extra money. In that situation no one expects you to deal with the important questions of life – you’re just doing what you have to do, right? But when confronted with having more time and money than ever needed, a person has to really decide, “How am I going to invest my time – and money?” "How can I make the world a better place?" “How am I going to make my life matter?” Yes, you really can have only so many cars, cruises, houses, and pieces of art. And my observation is that those people are immediately attracted to ideas that serve others. I don’t see many who want to plan to spend it all selfishly and just die on the same day the last dollar is spent. Rather, they, like some of you are already doing, look for ways to:
Share your time and money with those who have not had your same advantages
Bring hope and encouragement to others
Volunteer in a worthy church or community program
Start a social entrepreneurship venture
Sponsor a children’s sports program
Revitalize the downtown area of your town
Give money strategically – not just 10% dropped into the collection plate
Teach life skills to those with self-defeating patterns
’Feeling Alive’ is one of those interesting by-products. It’s not something we can approach directly – it flows out of a meaningful life. You may think you are eagerly awaiting ‘retirement.’ But time invested in meaningful activities makes ‘retirement’ diminish in its attraction.
So go ahead: spend three days staying in bed, eating Moon Pies, and watching the political drivel the news teams conjure up. See how quickly you feel worthless in body, mind and spirit.
But here’s the deal. You don’t have to wait until retirement or until you win the lottery to decide what you would do if money were no longer the issue. You really can just make those decisions now – live as if you have an abundance of time and money. Start one of the above activities today. And you might be surprised at what happens to your actual bank account when you realize what you already have to give and share.
And if you want to see what can happen to someone who just wants to eat, drink and be merry, check this out: Eat, Drink and Be Merry (Luke 12: 18)
Friday, October 17, 2008
Realizing Your Dreams
(by Cliff Young)
I love the Walt Disney Park’s mystique and theme, “Where dreams come true.” My belief in dreams and miracles (prior to my relationship with Jesus) was instilled early in my childhood through trips to Disneyland. Even though I have learned several of the Disney secrets, have been frustrated professionally, and have experienced disappointment in my personal life, I am not deterred from believing that my dreams can come true.
My desire of being a husband and a father is one dream that has taken a beating over the years. In the early ‘90s, I spent five years working with a church youth group mentoring a group of young men. Along with challenging these men spiritually, we also spent a great deal of time talking about girls, dating and relationships. Fast forward fifteen years and all of these guys are married with children, while their “mentor” is writing articles for singles. Did I miss something along the way? Did I not follow some aspect of my own advice?
There are many who wonder if life has passed them by, if their best years are behind them, or if they have been robbed of their dreams. (Did I just hear an “Amen”?) However, if we spend our time lamenting over the past and what might have been instead of what actually is, we will be blind and deaf to what God has for us today.
Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with things that move us towards progress and peace. Ronald Reagan
Life can be hard and broken dreams can beat down the strongest of faiths. I see my younger friends living out their dreams and wonder about my own, but through God’s Word I find encouragement on how to maintain and progress towards my own dreams in the midst of my friends experiencing theirs.
Do Not Covet
Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…or anything else your neighbor owns (Exodus 20:17).
Covet simply means to desire inordinately (exceeding reasonable limits).
Coveting may be the most common unspoken sin in society. It is often difficult to go through a day without, or wanting, what another has—be it large or small. However, when the desire becomes all consuming, it becomes sinful.
I watch couples enjoy an intimate dinner. I stand up for others as they exchange their wedding vows. I drive by ball fields and see parents cheer for their child. How can I maintain my desire for the same without it becoming an obsession?
My comfort comes from knowing that the God of the Universe knew and understood from the beginning the very things I would struggle with. He specifically says do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or anything else your neighbor owns. That’s pretty self-explanatory. It is a command for us to stop (excessively) wanting what others have, that includes relationships, and all that comes with it.
(He) has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).
I find it easy to fall into desiring what I don’t have or wanting what others have, yet Jesus has blessed me with every spiritual blessing I need in order to serve Him, bring honor to Him and live a fruitful life. My focus needs to be on utilizing those blessings for His Glory, not my own. I am here to serve, not to be served.
Be Happy (or at Least Joyful) for Others
Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
How can I honestly be happy for those who are experiencing the things that I desire? How do I genuinely be joyful about what others have that I long for?
My inability to be happy for others could lie deeper within my being. I may not accept myself for who I am, for whom God created me to be, or for the place I am currently at. I am not happy for others because I don’t like myself. I do not love my neighbor because I do not love myself. I am not experiencing true joy in my life because I have not put my entire faith and trust in my relationship with Jesus.
There is no easy formula for being happy while others seem to be happier. There is no easy way to accept the struggles that we face while others seem to live unscathed. However, there is one illustration that comes to mind.
If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine (Matthew 26:39).
Jesus struggled with taking the mantle of mankind on His shoulders. His willingness to follow through was based upon the love He had for His Father and what His Father desired. Many of us don’t understand God’s plan for us, we are perplexed with His timeframe, we don’t realize how God has protected us, and we have difficulty seeing how He is utilizing us.
I am guilty of thinking I know what is best for me and direct my steps accordingly. Oftentimes, I am wrong in my thinking and in my steps.
Jesus tells us if we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer. Then we will begin to hear His voice and to recognize what He has planned for us. As a result we can accept ourselves for how and for what purpose God created us. If we truly believe we are complete in the Lord, we won’t worry about what we don’t have, but more importantly, we will have genuine joy in our heart toward others.
Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Have Faith. Do Not Be Discouraged. God Will Give More Than We Can Imagine.
When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed him. … .And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred … (Romans 4:18, 19).
Most singles have the dream to be married along with raising children. When our dream is not realized within the parameters and timeframe we (or society) have set for us, disappointment may set in, our hope may weaken and our faith in God doubted.
However, if we put our hope and faith in the Lord (and His timeframe), rather than ourselves (and our timeframe), we can find solace in Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
A 44-year old female friend of mine never had a serious relationship. She invested her time in her work, church, family and friends. On a blind date, she was introduced to a 46-year old man, who also never had a serious relationship. Within three months they were engaged. Seven months after being married, they adopted two little girls.
Did either of them specifically plan for this? Within a year and a half a woman and a man, no different than many of us, became a wife and a husband, a mother and a father.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4).
Don’t give up on yourself or on your dreams—God has not forgotten you. His plans for you are bigger and better than anything you can dream of.
Don’t take your disappointment out on others by not being happy for them. Love God, love yourself, and love others as God commands.
A friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17).
I love the Walt Disney Park’s mystique and theme, “Where dreams come true.” My belief in dreams and miracles (prior to my relationship with Jesus) was instilled early in my childhood through trips to Disneyland. Even though I have learned several of the Disney secrets, have been frustrated professionally, and have experienced disappointment in my personal life, I am not deterred from believing that my dreams can come true.
My desire of being a husband and a father is one dream that has taken a beating over the years. In the early ‘90s, I spent five years working with a church youth group mentoring a group of young men. Along with challenging these men spiritually, we also spent a great deal of time talking about girls, dating and relationships. Fast forward fifteen years and all of these guys are married with children, while their “mentor” is writing articles for singles. Did I miss something along the way? Did I not follow some aspect of my own advice?
There are many who wonder if life has passed them by, if their best years are behind them, or if they have been robbed of their dreams. (Did I just hear an “Amen”?) However, if we spend our time lamenting over the past and what might have been instead of what actually is, we will be blind and deaf to what God has for us today.
Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with things that move us towards progress and peace. Ronald Reagan
Life can be hard and broken dreams can beat down the strongest of faiths. I see my younger friends living out their dreams and wonder about my own, but through God’s Word I find encouragement on how to maintain and progress towards my own dreams in the midst of my friends experiencing theirs.
Do Not Covet
Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…or anything else your neighbor owns (Exodus 20:17).
Covet simply means to desire inordinately (exceeding reasonable limits).
Coveting may be the most common unspoken sin in society. It is often difficult to go through a day without, or wanting, what another has—be it large or small. However, when the desire becomes all consuming, it becomes sinful.
I watch couples enjoy an intimate dinner. I stand up for others as they exchange their wedding vows. I drive by ball fields and see parents cheer for their child. How can I maintain my desire for the same without it becoming an obsession?
My comfort comes from knowing that the God of the Universe knew and understood from the beginning the very things I would struggle with. He specifically says do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or anything else your neighbor owns. That’s pretty self-explanatory. It is a command for us to stop (excessively) wanting what others have, that includes relationships, and all that comes with it.
(He) has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).
I find it easy to fall into desiring what I don’t have or wanting what others have, yet Jesus has blessed me with every spiritual blessing I need in order to serve Him, bring honor to Him and live a fruitful life. My focus needs to be on utilizing those blessings for His Glory, not my own. I am here to serve, not to be served.
Be Happy (or at Least Joyful) for Others
Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
How can I honestly be happy for those who are experiencing the things that I desire? How do I genuinely be joyful about what others have that I long for?
My inability to be happy for others could lie deeper within my being. I may not accept myself for who I am, for whom God created me to be, or for the place I am currently at. I am not happy for others because I don’t like myself. I do not love my neighbor because I do not love myself. I am not experiencing true joy in my life because I have not put my entire faith and trust in my relationship with Jesus.
There is no easy formula for being happy while others seem to be happier. There is no easy way to accept the struggles that we face while others seem to live unscathed. However, there is one illustration that comes to mind.
If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine (Matthew 26:39).
Jesus struggled with taking the mantle of mankind on His shoulders. His willingness to follow through was based upon the love He had for His Father and what His Father desired. Many of us don’t understand God’s plan for us, we are perplexed with His timeframe, we don’t realize how God has protected us, and we have difficulty seeing how He is utilizing us.
I am guilty of thinking I know what is best for me and direct my steps accordingly. Oftentimes, I am wrong in my thinking and in my steps.
Jesus tells us if we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer. Then we will begin to hear His voice and to recognize what He has planned for us. As a result we can accept ourselves for how and for what purpose God created us. If we truly believe we are complete in the Lord, we won’t worry about what we don’t have, but more importantly, we will have genuine joy in our heart toward others.
Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Have Faith. Do Not Be Discouraged. God Will Give More Than We Can Imagine.
When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed him. … .And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred … (Romans 4:18, 19).
Most singles have the dream to be married along with raising children. When our dream is not realized within the parameters and timeframe we (or society) have set for us, disappointment may set in, our hope may weaken and our faith in God doubted.
However, if we put our hope and faith in the Lord (and His timeframe), rather than ourselves (and our timeframe), we can find solace in Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
A 44-year old female friend of mine never had a serious relationship. She invested her time in her work, church, family and friends. On a blind date, she was introduced to a 46-year old man, who also never had a serious relationship. Within three months they were engaged. Seven months after being married, they adopted two little girls.
Did either of them specifically plan for this? Within a year and a half a woman and a man, no different than many of us, became a wife and a husband, a mother and a father.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4).
Don’t give up on yourself or on your dreams—God has not forgotten you. His plans for you are bigger and better than anything you can dream of.
Don’t take your disappointment out on others by not being happy for them. Love God, love yourself, and love others as God commands.
A friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17).
Teaching a Horse to Fly
(by Dan Miller)
The sultan of Persia had sentenced two men to death. One of them, knowing how much the sultan loved his stallion, offered to teach the horse to fly within a year in return for his life. The sultan, fancying himself as the rider of the only flying horse in the world, agreed.
The other prisoner looked at his friend in disbelief. "You know horses don't fly. What made you come up with a crazy idea like that? You're only postponing the inevitable." "Not so," said the first prisoner. "I have actually given myself four chances for freedom. First, the sultan might die during the year. Second, I might die. Third, the horse might die. And fourth -- I might teach the horse to fly."
Wow - I like this guy's thinking. Rather than giving in to victim mentality, with one creative suggestion, he creates four possible outcomes other than just being put to death.
Now – what “impossible” situation are you faced with today? Just lost your job? Just found out your bank is foreclosing on your house? Just shut the doors on the business you always dreamed of having? What are four new possibilities you could see – instead of just assuming crushing loss?
If you lost your job, you could:
Realize you’ve been “underemployed” and “undercompensated” -- do a great job search and begin a much better position.
Use your severance package to take your family on that much deserved vacation that’s been put off for too many years.
Go back to school to finish that long-awaited degree.
Finally have the opportunity to start your own business.
The sultan of Persia had sentenced two men to death. One of them, knowing how much the sultan loved his stallion, offered to teach the horse to fly within a year in return for his life. The sultan, fancying himself as the rider of the only flying horse in the world, agreed.
The other prisoner looked at his friend in disbelief. "You know horses don't fly. What made you come up with a crazy idea like that? You're only postponing the inevitable." "Not so," said the first prisoner. "I have actually given myself four chances for freedom. First, the sultan might die during the year. Second, I might die. Third, the horse might die. And fourth -- I might teach the horse to fly."
Wow - I like this guy's thinking. Rather than giving in to victim mentality, with one creative suggestion, he creates four possible outcomes other than just being put to death.
Now – what “impossible” situation are you faced with today? Just lost your job? Just found out your bank is foreclosing on your house? Just shut the doors on the business you always dreamed of having? What are four new possibilities you could see – instead of just assuming crushing loss?
If you lost your job, you could:
Realize you’ve been “underemployed” and “undercompensated” -- do a great job search and begin a much better position.
Use your severance package to take your family on that much deserved vacation that’s been put off for too many years.
Go back to school to finish that long-awaited degree.
Finally have the opportunity to start your own business.
When and How to Terminate a Relationship
(by Neil Clark Warren)
You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.
Idea Number One
When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.
It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
- How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
- How dependent are you on this other person?
- How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?
If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."
People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."
I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.
One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.
Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.
I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."
Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.
There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.
You've been going with someone for a long time and you're wondering how long you need to continue going with them before you can have enough information to make a real decision, a tough decision, maybe a decision not to continue the relationship at all.
When is long enough long enough?
How do you know when you've given your relationship all the chances it deserves?
I want to tell you that terminating a relationship-a romantic relationship-successfully requires enormous skill. Unfortunately both people usually do not agree on how or when this should be done. This is a big part of the problem-that they don't agree.
There are several considerations that relate to successful termination. One of the most important ones has to do with feeling confident that you have waited long enough, that you have given the relationship every chance to demonstrate its long-term quality, that you won't look back and wish like everything that you had waited just a little longer.
I have developed five ideas about this over the course of my years of seeing people in psychotherapy. Five ideas that may help you know when long enough is indeed long enough to hold on to a dating relationship.
Idea Number One
When you or your dating partner or both of you have been unhappy in your relationship for six months or longer, and you have tried your hardest to work on the specific problems you have identified and there has simply been no progress and you are still very unhappy with each other, I would say you should be pretty certain that you have waited long enough.
It all depends on a lot of variables of course, like:
- How outstanding you think this relationship could be?
- How dependent are you on this other person?
- How important it is for you to keep trying to make this relationship everything you need it to be?
If one or both of you have been unhappy with each other for six months or longer, and you've tried your hardest to work on the problems you have and you're still really unhappy with each other because you've seen little or no progress, then I want to tell you that maybe you need to say, "Well, that's long enough. I've given it my best shot. I've tried my hardest."
People around the country say to me all the time, "Neil, be very careful about telling us to terminate a relationship because we don't have all kinds of candidates in the wings. It isn't like I can say, 'That's long enough for this one. I'll go on to the next one.' There may not be a next one."
I understand that the pool of candidates is too small for a lot of people around the United States today. As a matter of fact, that's exactly what we're going to try to change in the next few years with eharmony, the online relationship service that started as a part of my desire to see my children marry well.
One of the founding principles of eharmony is that the older a person becomes, the less single people they have in their lives. We want to beat this dating pool problem.
Right now I want you to understand one other thing: A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage at all.
I don't want you getting yourself in a bad marriage, and if time is of the essence, I don't want you to take too much time making the decision. Six months in which you've really tried to do the job of correcting or remediating a relationship may well be enough. That's enough, I think, for you to be able to look back and say, "I gave it my very best effort."
Now, what about this one other thing? What about your looking back and wishing like everything that you would've waited just a little longer? There's always the possibility that you will do that, too.
There's also the possibility that this other person will "shape up" and become the perfect person after you leave. But I have to tell you something: If you've tried for six months and that person hasn't tried to "shape up" and become the perfect person, the odds are very, very high that they won't in the next six months, or the six months after that, or any six-month period for the rest of their lives, because six months is a long time for people to demonstrate their consistency in not doing what is necessary in order to make the relationship work.
Delay Marriage for Job's Sake
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Congrats on 10 years and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate your unique stand on putting family and relationships ahead of career/money goals.
I have a question in that regard. I am 25, single, and quite eligible by many people's (including my Christian parents). Through four years of college and two subsequent years of ministry school I have only had one relationship, a six month one freshman year that ended poorly due to bad timing. No physical sin, just personalities.
I've refrained from dating (entirely, no "buddies", nothing) because of my student financial position. I have never been in debt, but up till now my student status has impaired my income considerably. I am now ready to strike out on my own and I have started a fledgling currency trading business which has been doing very well. At the rate it's growing, it will probably make a good living in a couple years, and a VERY good living in three years time. God has blessed me in it, and I'm dead certain it is His will.
But between trading, working on the side, and church/ministry activities, it takes up all my time. My thought has been that if I stay single and focused, in a couple years I will have built the business to a self-sustaining point that will free me to pursue other things like marriage, more traveling ministry opportunities, etc. But if I tried to fit in pursuing marriage, I'm worried about jeopardized my entrepreneurial efforts because of all the expense, time, and mental energy involved in romantic relationships. It could really eat into my capital and would take many more years to make up.
Most of what you've written about marriage on your blog seems to apply to the single male Christian employee who won't man up and find a wife. What do you think about intentionally putting it off for entrepreneurial purposes?
REPLY
I can't think of any scriptural basis for putting off marriage in order to build a "successful" business, however that is defined. Yes, you need to make a livable wage, but that's different. There might be some principle we could wrest from a verse somewhere that might lend itself to such an idea, but I can't think of one that would be very straightforward.
Paul allows for some instances for not marrying, but only for the glory of God and the building of the Kingdom of Christ, not financial (in)stability. Of course, building a business might very well be a piece of His marriage plan for you, so you need not assume that you face an either/or scenario. That's the quick answer.
Your question gives me an opportunity to talk a bit about God's will, which was one of the first topics I wrote about when Boundless Answers got rolling a couple of years ago.
One of the things we must understand about God's will for our lives is that it is perfect. No, it is not lived out by us perfectly. But in His sovereignty, He somehow brings His perfect will to bear upon our imperfect practice of it and works everything for our good and His glory.
I don't know how He does it. I don't have to know how He does it. I only know He is God and quite capable of working that out.
Part of what "perfect" means is that God's will for my life can't contradict itself. It's unified in all its parts. One part of it won't conflict with another. On the contrary, all parts compliment the others. So if His will is for us to have job X and pursue spouse Y simultaneously, not only can it happen, if we don't follow that guidance, we will not have inner peace. If His will is to have job X and not pursue spouse Y, the same applies: peace if we follow His will; no peace if we don't.
If you believe you are daily following the leadership of the Spirit of Christ in your life, and you are open to whatever God instructs at any given moment, then you don't need to worry about how or when it will happen. You only need to concern yourself with obedience to the will of God. If you find yourself in a month falling head over heels in love, and you know it's God's will, He'll make sure entrepreneurial pursuit X doesn't contradict pursuit of spouse Y.
If both are His will, the pursuit of both will, in fact, complement it.
When you look at the math, it might not make sense to you to pursue marriage at the moment, but God might have different plans that you don't understand (welcome to the Christian life). Stay open to the possibility. You, like most Christians, are likely called to marriage and family, and sooner rather than later. Part of God's preparation for that might be for you to establish yourself a bit financially, or it might be starting from where you are right now with your spouse by your side. Either way, God can handle it.
It's good and biblical to look to the future and plan as best as you can, as long as you are ready and willing at any moment for God to go in another direction. As many couples will testify, love often comes without warning and catches us quite by surprise, despite our plans.
God wants us to hold our lives with a wide open hand as we pursue Him above everything, both business and relational. Most of us hold on so tightly we'd need a crowbar to pry us loose from our own grip. That's not a life of faith and trust in a God who will never forsake us.
Planning and praying go hand-in-hand. The only one you can do too much of is the former. You keep your conversation with God running the whole time you're pursuing your entrepreneurial plans and obey His voice. And don't be surprised if He speaks marriage sooner than you think.
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Congrats on 10 years and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate your unique stand on putting family and relationships ahead of career/money goals.
I have a question in that regard. I am 25, single, and quite eligible by many people's (including my Christian parents). Through four years of college and two subsequent years of ministry school I have only had one relationship, a six month one freshman year that ended poorly due to bad timing. No physical sin, just personalities.
I've refrained from dating (entirely, no "buddies", nothing) because of my student financial position. I have never been in debt, but up till now my student status has impaired my income considerably. I am now ready to strike out on my own and I have started a fledgling currency trading business which has been doing very well. At the rate it's growing, it will probably make a good living in a couple years, and a VERY good living in three years time. God has blessed me in it, and I'm dead certain it is His will.
But between trading, working on the side, and church/ministry activities, it takes up all my time. My thought has been that if I stay single and focused, in a couple years I will have built the business to a self-sustaining point that will free me to pursue other things like marriage, more traveling ministry opportunities, etc. But if I tried to fit in pursuing marriage, I'm worried about jeopardized my entrepreneurial efforts because of all the expense, time, and mental energy involved in romantic relationships. It could really eat into my capital and would take many more years to make up.
Most of what you've written about marriage on your blog seems to apply to the single male Christian employee who won't man up and find a wife. What do you think about intentionally putting it off for entrepreneurial purposes?
REPLY
I can't think of any scriptural basis for putting off marriage in order to build a "successful" business, however that is defined. Yes, you need to make a livable wage, but that's different. There might be some principle we could wrest from a verse somewhere that might lend itself to such an idea, but I can't think of one that would be very straightforward.
Paul allows for some instances for not marrying, but only for the glory of God and the building of the Kingdom of Christ, not financial (in)stability. Of course, building a business might very well be a piece of His marriage plan for you, so you need not assume that you face an either/or scenario. That's the quick answer.
Your question gives me an opportunity to talk a bit about God's will, which was one of the first topics I wrote about when Boundless Answers got rolling a couple of years ago.
One of the things we must understand about God's will for our lives is that it is perfect. No, it is not lived out by us perfectly. But in His sovereignty, He somehow brings His perfect will to bear upon our imperfect practice of it and works everything for our good and His glory.
I don't know how He does it. I don't have to know how He does it. I only know He is God and quite capable of working that out.
Part of what "perfect" means is that God's will for my life can't contradict itself. It's unified in all its parts. One part of it won't conflict with another. On the contrary, all parts compliment the others. So if His will is for us to have job X and pursue spouse Y simultaneously, not only can it happen, if we don't follow that guidance, we will not have inner peace. If His will is to have job X and not pursue spouse Y, the same applies: peace if we follow His will; no peace if we don't.
If you believe you are daily following the leadership of the Spirit of Christ in your life, and you are open to whatever God instructs at any given moment, then you don't need to worry about how or when it will happen. You only need to concern yourself with obedience to the will of God. If you find yourself in a month falling head over heels in love, and you know it's God's will, He'll make sure entrepreneurial pursuit X doesn't contradict pursuit of spouse Y.
If both are His will, the pursuit of both will, in fact, complement it.
When you look at the math, it might not make sense to you to pursue marriage at the moment, but God might have different plans that you don't understand (welcome to the Christian life). Stay open to the possibility. You, like most Christians, are likely called to marriage and family, and sooner rather than later. Part of God's preparation for that might be for you to establish yourself a bit financially, or it might be starting from where you are right now with your spouse by your side. Either way, God can handle it.
It's good and biblical to look to the future and plan as best as you can, as long as you are ready and willing at any moment for God to go in another direction. As many couples will testify, love often comes without warning and catches us quite by surprise, despite our plans.
God wants us to hold our lives with a wide open hand as we pursue Him above everything, both business and relational. Most of us hold on so tightly we'd need a crowbar to pry us loose from our own grip. That's not a life of faith and trust in a God who will never forsake us.
Planning and praying go hand-in-hand. The only one you can do too much of is the former. You keep your conversation with God running the whole time you're pursuing your entrepreneurial plans and obey His voice. And don't be surprised if He speaks marriage sooner than you think.
Source: Boundless
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