Behind the Mask

(by George Halitzka)

I had a best friend once. It was kindergarten and he lived next door and we played every day in the front yard, except for afternoons when he tried to get his own way by crowing, "I ain't gonna be your friend no more" because I wouldn't let him use my cool magnifying glass. Of course, I got wise to that: I knew he'd be back the next day knocking at my door. So I crossed my stubborn arms and let him stomp away.

Yes, Luke had his flaws, but he was a good pal; a made-to-order companion for a 5-year-old. Unfortunately, he moved across town after first grade.

I didn't see him again until junior high. By then, I'd turned into a brainy geek while he'd become a slacker too cool to be alive. He occasionally visited my lunch table with new buds, but only because he found me a convenient target for trash-talk.

I had another best friend in third grade. Jeremy walked a few blocks to my house every day after school; we pretended we were the heroes in a make-believe world and talked about how cool computers were.

Then one day something happened — I don't remember what — and we got in a fight in my backyard. With a distinct lack of weapons available, we threatened each other with pieces of rope. (Welts are a big deal in third grade, OK?) There was a prolonged standoff. Finally, we finally made a truce — Jeremy and I would lay down our ropes at the same time.

I put mine on the ground. But instead of complying with the terms, he picked both of them up and chased me across the driveway. So I played the only card I had left: I threw him off our property with threats of hollering for my mother.

After that, Jeremy didn't come over to play anymore.

All of us would love to find some real friends, an authentic community — a place to know and be known. Even as adults we're longing for folks to call us by name. But we discovered in grade school that life hurts, and grown-ups can do far worse than pick up your welting-rope.

Take a third-grader's word for it: If you trust people, you're a dummy-pants.

Knowing and Being Known

Knowing another person is a fearsome proposition. When I meet someone new, he's already been living for years on a screwed-up planet. What bruises has he picked up along the way? I've formed the beginning of relationships only to discover people were clingy addicts or incorrigible gossips ... and I had no idea at first. It's enough to make me afraid to shake hands after church.

Being known means revealing your own scars from 20-odd years of wading through life. You're opening yourself up to rejection on a deeper level than those junior high insults when people said your Mama dressed you funny. The eighth-grade clowns could only pick on your looks. If a person knows you, he has power to stomp your dreams.

So most of us crave intimacy at the same time we're running from it, and who can blame us? We've tried to be more open and gotten ignored in return. We figured church might to be a safe place to build relationships, then found out most "Life Groups" should be called "Pretending-I've-Got-My-Life-Together Groups." If you share your real prayer requests, you'll earn three super-spiritual lectures and a rumor that you're a prideful doubter.

Yet we instinctively realize there's something greater than surface conversations! There must be hope for penetrating the platitudes.

Personally, I've found three major keys to building community, whether it's with one friend or an entire group: forgiveness, integrity, and humility. If you're longing for depth, try them at church. Try them with your friends or family or fiancé. They can bring intimacy that you've never experienced before!

But getting there is a rocky road, because you'll have to adopt a new approach to life. Your profound openness is liable to get your heart run over before you encounter the community you're longing for.

Forgiveness

It was April Fool's Day 2002, and I hadn't pulled a decent pranks since college. So I decided it was time to go toilet papering. I stopped at Walgreen's for 20 rolls, then headed for church, where my friend Kevin was the tech director.

I already knew Kevin's "studio" would be the perfect place for my redecorating project. It was best described as a starship control room masquerading as a sanitary landfill. Filled with everything from high-end computers to mountains of scrap paper to dismantled sound gear, Kevin's hangout was the perfect environment for hanging Charmin.

When I arrived, the office was wide open — and empty. It was almost like Kevin was expecting me. I kept wishing I had a camera. The TP went in and out of filing cabinets, over and around audio equipment. It was one of the best indoor jobs I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, when Kevin got back to his office, he was not amused. He'd been stressed all week and couldn't believe he was facing this enormous mess. He wasn't sure about the guilty party, but was so mad he went to his boss, who suspected the youth pastor.

The next day, I got a terse e-mail: "George, are you the one who messed up my office? I need to know."

I was in trouble.

It had been really juvenile to do that at someone's workplace — Kevin had every right to be ticked. I apologized to him, because he was my bud, but I figured we were through. I'd embarrassed us both, caused him extra work, and screwed up his whole week.

But Kevin modeled a little bit of God's forgiveness for me when he demonstrated — not in words or a single moment, but in actions — that he accepted my apology. We could move on, continuing to thread the treacherous road of friendship-building.

Forgiveness may be the hardest part of community. Some of us have gotten hurt so many times the smallest slight makes us look for the door. Yet canceling a debt is the first key to taking your relationship beneath the surface.

Without grace, no friendship can last a month.

Integrity

An anonymous writer penned these words in an essay called "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying":

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks — masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that's second nature to me. But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled! I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me. Please.

When we think about integrity, we usually figure that means we don't lie or cheat. And hopefully, we'll dare to confront a friend when he's screwing up his life. But there's one more dimension to integrity that's far rarer: the courage to be yourself.

Pretending you're invulnerable is easy; we spend most of our lives convincing people we're more intelligent and attractive than we really are. But we're also dying to be known the whole time. Our masks prevent people from ever calling us by name.

I was a skilled mask artist in my younger days. I corresponded with a cute friend during college, and one day she wrote, "George, your letters are funny, but I don't see any part of you in them. They're like a string of one-liners."

She was right. I couldn't tell people what I was really feeling 300 miles away from Mom, or the doubts about my faith that were scaring me. I was sure people would think I was a freak and a lousy Christian.

Vulnerability is still hard for me. It's easy to sit on a pedestal as the Bible College Graduate in Ministry. It's hard to admit sins and how little I understand about life with God. Vulnerability is an invitation for rejection.

If you're the first one in your relationship to share a secret joy, you might be rewarded with blank stares and derision. Your integrity may be someone's excuse to turn you into their personal target. Yet until you take off the mask, you'll never get past the surface to build an authentic community.

The anonymous writer said it best: "Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. Don't believe me ... please."

Humility

Six or eight years ago I signed up for an accountability group, and got paired with two random guys from church. When I met one of them — I'll call him "Bill" — my first thought was, "I never believed I would so stoop so low."

Oh, Bill's a nice guy, but he's a maintenance man. Never went to college, a recovering alcoholic. He's 40-something with a long scraggly beard and a pot belly. Bill doesn't talk a lot until you get to know him, so — if you're judgmental like me — you figure it's because he's not bright enough to say much.

When I met him, I knew we had nothing in common. Why should we bother building a friendship?

Uh ... maybe because I was wrong.

Bill and I actually share a lot. We both love Jesus poorly, but long to do better. We struggle with lust about every day and are prone to depression. Bill and I love telling bad jokes — but his are usually about somebody walking into a bar, proving that I'm more spiritual. He's a phenomenal listener; Bill has endured my venting for almost our entire weekly meeting sometimes. He may seem "simple" on the surface, but then he unexpectedly spouts wisdom from the school of hard knocks.

One week something extraordinary happened. At the end of our meeting, we were having such an interesting conversation that he invited me to ride along while he picked up his daughter for volleyball practice. Now, I'm sure he was embarrassed to have a friend in his work van. I sat on a wooden bench covered in dirty shag carpet, the best seating he could offer. But as he drove, we talked ... about our shared faith; about ideas that, in my arrogance, I had thought were over Bill's head. I saw a new part of his world for the first time while we rattled and bumped along.

It was one of those defining moments in a friendship where you recognize, only in the aftermath, that you've been invited deeper into someone's world than you've ever been before. I knew then I was proud to be called Bill's friend. Of course, I almost missed the opportunity ... because I was far too good for him.

If you're too good for someone in your life, guess who deserves the blame for your lack of community?

Love and Loss

So if you want to know and be known, try practicing forgiveness, integrity, and humility. Your friendships are guaranteed to reach a deeper level.

But remember that without one more quality — love — community is still an empty word. Friendships can't hurt nearly so bad ... and they also won't mean a thing.

Grandpa was one of my heroes. He was always well-spoken and well-dressed; the respectable gentleman who wore a suit to church every Sunday. Practically everyone we met knew and loved the guy behind the counter at his corner store. Fred's Food and Variety was an old-fashioned place where the owner was usually present; where you could run a tab if you were behind that month; where you might even find an anonymous bag of groceries on your porch while you were between jobs.

When we went to his house, where the driveway seemed as long as a city block, he had bicycles standing by that we could ride up and down the blacktop. Sometimes he took me and my brother into the backyard to play football. Sure, he had to throw underhand because of his back, but that was OK — we were more likely to catch it anyway.

Well into retirement, Grandpa rented a booth at the flea market and designed custom-made trophies in his wood shop. I tried to keep up by opening a stationery store in my bedroom and publishing my monthly newspaper, The Halitzka Journal, in grade school. Without ever realizing it, he got me started as a freelancer.

Few people embodied forgiveness, integrity, and humility in my life like Fred Holfelder. I remember looking forward to the day when we could relate as adults; when Grandpa could be proud of me for making my way in the world. But unfortunately, when I was a sophomore in college, Grandpa had one more lesson for me about living in community, and it was the hardest one:

Loss.

Every relationship has an ending. That's why community is so rare — and so painful. We hire undertakers to handle our dead so we don't have to face mortality. If you dare to form intimate friendships, those people will move out of state someday. If you don't break up with your boyfriend, you'll marry him. Then years hence, when you love him far more than you do now, he'll die.

I remember standing up at Grandpa's funeral with my voice breaking and sharing memories. I loved him too much not to cry. Today, I still wish he was here to see how I've followed in his footsteps and maybe become a man he could be proud of. I hope he's looking down from heaven to enjoy the view.

Unfortunately, building a community, with one person or one hundred, is difficult. It calls us to bravely face loss; not running from grief but passing through the Valley of the Shadow. Knowing and being known will wound you so badly you'll never completely heal. Yet if friendships are to be worth having, and life worth living, you need to care anyway. A daring love called agape is the essence of authentic community.

Grandpa probably didn't know the Greek word for God's love; he never went to college. But from a lifetime of experience, he definitely knew what agape was about.

Source: boundless

Preparing to Marry Judas?

(by Meg Wilson)

Tracy, an attractive brunette, sat in Sue’s living room pouring out her disappointment in round salty drops. Sue was her friend from college, and they had shared many joys and tears over the years.

“I thought I did it right,” Tracy sobbed. “I dated only Christian guys with marriage potential. Once I found Mr. Right, we waited for the wedding before becoming involved physically. He seemed like such a godly man.”

Then came her bombshell.

“We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary before he cheated on me. Then I found out he was looking at pornography on the internet and has been since he was a teen. I feel like I married a traitor. How many nights has he come home to me after being with her, or looking at countless images, only to give me a Judas kiss? My folks told me we were going too fast. Even you tried to tell me.”

Sue worked with the college girls at her church, and as she listened to Tracy’s story, her mind raced to recent conversations with a girl in her group. Brittany talked about her “Mr. Right” and nothing else.

“He is such a good Christian,” Brittany often said. “I just love to watch him play the guitar with the church worship team. I can SO see myself with this guy.”

At the next youth meeting, with Tracy’s story fresh in Sue’s mind, she decided to ask Brittany some basic questions. Their conversation went something like this.

“How long have you known Jeff?” Sue asked.
“Two wonderful months.”
“What makes him a good Christian?”
“He loves to worship the Lord and he likes going to church.”
“What is one fault that you’ve found?”
Brittany looked confused, “Oh, I can’t think of anything. He is everything I prayed for in a guy.”

Sue paused, “What about his family, how do you get along with them?”
“Oh, we hardly see them. We just love being together. Why so many questions, Sue?”

Sue gathered her thoughts before she spoke.“Brittany, it’s great that you’ve found someone special, but now’s the time to really get to know Jeff and his family. If you did get married, it would be a package deal. You would not only get Jeff, but also a mother and father-in-law. Not to mention his siblings and other family members.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Brittany said.
Sue asked, “What will you do when the first real test comes?"
“What kind of test?”
“Brittany, you both will let the other down at some point. Every one of Jesus’ disciples who loved him betrayed Him after his crucifixion.”

Brittany stared at Sue with a puzzled expression. Then she said, “I haven’t really given this relationship enough thought. It’s all been about my feelings and dreams. Thanks for being real. I’m going to have to open my eyes and ask some hard questions.”

Sue decided to see how the other girls felt about finding their future husbands. How many other young women, like Brittany, approached dating with only idealistic notions about marriage? Their search for “Mr. Right” had turned into a search for “Mr. Feel Right.” These dreamy ideas come from movies, romance novels, even fairy-tales — all based in fantasy! Christian women often add the ideal of Jesus on top of these romantic notions, forgetting He was the only perfect Man. And He won’t be found at the altar in a rented tux.

Many young women also envision their future husband, their prince, as a new and improved version of their dad — assuming they had a healthy relationship. If the relationship was poor or damaged, then they choose a “prince” that they think is a polar opposite of Dad.

With these common approaches to finding “Mr. Right” in mind, Sue broached another important subject with the group. She decided to start with a question. “How did you choose where to go to college?”

Emily, one of the quietest girls, spoke first. “My parents have been saving for me to go to college since I was born. It was never ‘if’ I would go, only ‘when.’ I researched different colleges for months with good nursing programs. Then my folks and I visited a couple of my top choices to get a feel for the campus.”

The rest of the girls spelled out similar plans. They all seemed to have taken the time to research colleges and majors carefully. Most of the girls even visited more than one college. They didn’t want to make a mistake. This conversation stood in stark contrast to the ideas expressed about how to find “Mr. Right.”

Sue decided to put together some topics to discuss with the girls over the next few weeks. After researching some of the issues godly men struggle with, she had clear direction for their discussions. The statistics on young men who view pornography were off the charts. It is clear that drug use and oral sex among teens have skyrocketed. Alcoholism, gambling ... the list of potential traps is a lengthy one. She wondered if young women knew how to set boundaries, appreciate their worth, watch for red flags, and ask difficult questions before they walk down the aisle wearing white.

Sue sought to raise her group’s awareness without creating fear. She reminded them to let God direct every aspect of their life’s journey, keeping in mind, “There’s not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Allowing Christ to be their Matchmaker makes the most sense. He will choose the best. Even seemingly strong marriages face trials because we are broken people living in a broken world — a world full of betrayers.

So the question is not, “How can I avoid marrying a Judas?” The question is, “How can one broken person marry another broken person and stay together in spite of their sinfulness?”

The goal is to be transformed from being like a Judas to a Peter — restored by the hand of Christ. Peter betrayed Jesus just as Judas did, but his repentant heart sought change. He never forgot where he came from. Only when both husband and wife are honest with themselves and with each other can they grow stronger. Their life long goal should be to reflect Christ more each day. Only when God is central can a marriage survive the bumps in the road. “A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped” (Ecclesiastes 4:12d).

Later, Sue called her friend, Tracy, to see how she was doing. Tracy’s voice sounded stronger as she spoke. “I am happy to report that my husband and I are in counseling. He seems genuinely sorry and willing to work on his issues. I’m not kidding myself, though, about our future. I have decided to take each day as it unfolds trusting the Lord to guide me.”

“You can’t go wrong waiting for God’s voice.” Sue added.

Tracy responded, “I had to be willing to do my part to heal. Christ has been showing me the ways I’ve enabled my husband to be unhealthy by not recognizing the red flags and setting boundaries. My counselor helped me to see that I wanted the dream so much that I ignored the truth in front of me -- it’s humbling. I’m not as quick to throw stones at my husband.”

As she hung up, Sue thought she heard a new confidence in Tracy’s voice. She was amazed again at how the Lord works. Next week's conversation with the girls was going to be, “the dream vs. reality.”

Tools You Can Use:
Once in a serious relationship that feels like “the one,” then:

1. Take the time for a serious second look.
2. Seek Godly counsel and listen to those who are trustworthy.
3. Ask some difficult questions (see below).

Asking Unromantic Questions

Ask one or two questions over several weeks so it doesn’t feel like the third degree. Pray and let God guide the conversation. I guarantee you will know more about each other when you are through. Be willing to be vulnerable as you share your side of the same question. This list isn’t complete, but it’s a good place to start.

When dating:

 What’s most important to you in a relationship?
 What quality found in your mom and or dad do you want to emulate?
 What is the one thing in your past you most regret?
 Describe your idea of the perfect spouse.
 What does romance mean to you? Do you consider yourself romantic?
 What are your physical boundaries before marriage?

When engaged:

 What one thing do you want to be different in your marriage than in your parents?
 If there were a conflict in our marriage we couldn’t work out, would you be willing to seek godly counseling?
 What do you think about a man hitting a woman? Is it ever okay?
 Do you want kids? If so, describe your idea of a good parent.
 How do you handle your money? Are you a spender or saver?
 How do you feel about lottery tickets, social drinking, smoking pot, etc?
 What are your views on sex before to marriage?
 Have you ever looked at pornography of any kind?
 Do you think it’s okay to have a stripper at a bachelor party?
 What, if any, are your past sexual experiences?
 When were you the angriest? What did you do or how did you respond?

If you haven’t talked about these issues — do. Please don’t assume you already know the answer. The reality is there will be at least one answer you don’t like. This is a sign there is work to do -- not necessarily that you should call things off. The best situation is a couple living firmly in reality, willing to work on their issues.

*All names (other than the author’s) have been changed.


Source: crosswalk

Keep On Trusting!

(by Bayless Conley)

If you’re like me, there's been a time in your life when trusting God has been tough. Perhaps that time is right now!

Maybe your marriage isn't where you would like it to be. Perhaps it's far from ideal… even very far from being happy… and you've been praying and trusting God to turn things around.

Maybe you're trusting God for the healing of a physical affliction in your body. Maybe there's a difficult financial situation in which you're trusting God for favor. Maybe it has to do with your kids or some other situation in the home. Maybe it has to do with something that's going on at work and you're trusting God for something to change.

Whatever it is, I want to encourage you with a word from the Lord today. I want to share with you one reason to hold fast. A reason to keep believing. A reason to hold on to the promise that God has put in your heart and to keep trusting Him.

That reason is this: If God ever helped you in the past, He can help you in the now.

I read a true story recently about a guy who was totally distraught over some bills which had come due. And in the midst of his panic he remembered an experience he had as a World War II soldier fighting in the South Pacific.

He had become separated from his comrades, and some enemy soldiers had spotted him. In his attempt not to be caught, he scrambled through the jungle on the island he was on and managed to wedge himself inside a tiny little cave. And being a Christian, he prayed, "God, please protect me."

In that moment, he noticed that a little spider had started to spin a web at the mouth of the cave, and for the next 30 minutes he watched that spider spin a web as his enemy searched the caves around him.

Pretty soon, the enemy soldiers appeared at the mouth of the cave—and in an instant, they were gone. The soldier realized the enemy assumed nobody would have gone into that cave if there was a spider web in front of it!

He had let the distress about his bills overwhelm him… before finally remembering that God had saved him with a spider web! God had been faithful in a situation that had been much worse!

This human tendency to forget God's faithfulness… our failure to trust Him… is the same thing we find in Mark chapter 8, right after Jesus miraculously fed over 4,000 people with a few fish and seven loaves of bread.

Right after that miracle, the disciples had jumped into a boat with Jesus and crossed over to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. And they immediately forgot the miracle they had just watched Him perform.

Let's pick up the story in Mark 8:14…

Now the disciples had forgotten to take bread, and they did not have more than one loaf with them in the boat. Then He charged them, saying, “Take heed, beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and the leaven of Herod.” And they reasoned among themselves, saying, “It is because we have no bread.” But Jesus, being aware of it, said to them, “Why do you reason because you have no bread? Do you not yet perceive nor understand? Is your heart still hardened? Having eyes, do you not see? And having ears, do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of fragments did you take up?” They said to Him, “Twelve.” “Also, when I broke the seven for the four thousand, how many large baskets full of fragments did you take up?” And they said, “Seven.” So He said to them, “How is it you do not understand?” (v. 14-21)

Jesus is telling His disciples that they don't get it! He has just performed two amazing miracles feeding thousands with a few fish and a couple of loaves of bread. Yet they are panicking because they realize that they only have one loaf of bread now for themselves.

Somehow they have forgotten God's provision… His faithfulness. They are panicking in this situation because it has not dawned on them that what He did before he can do again.

But God does do repeat performances! He is faithful! What He has done in your life He can do again. And that's a good reason to hold fast… to keep believing… and to hold on today to the promise that God has put in your heart!

Source: crosswalk

The God that Gives Us Living Hope

(Dr. John Barnett)

Our Great and Mighty God has His Hand reaching down from Heaven to each of us. He says to us:

• I am your Creator (Isaiah 42:5).

God made you just like you are to do what no one else can do. You are my special, precious child. Trust Me, follow Me, worship Me. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Creator by saying to Him:

I will trust You Lord; and I will follow You Lord; and I will worship You Lord.

• I am your Sustainer (Isaiah 42:6).

God wants to hold your hand and keep you. Trust Me enough to grab My Hand, and love Me enough to let Me shine through your life. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Sustainer by saying to Him:

I want to by faith, from this moment forward, start reaching up each new day I live and hold onto Your Hand to show that I really do trust You; and I want to love You so that others see Your love in me.

• I am your Redeemer (Isaiah 42:7).

God bought and paid for with Christ's blood, a great price. Realize anew that you are not your own, you belong to Me. Decide anew that what you say, where you go, what you wear, and how you fill your time needs to bring honor to Me as your God. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Redeemer by saying to Him:

Thank you for buying me, I am unworthy of Your love; and I belong to You so I want You to be pleased today with what I say, where I go, what I wear, and how I spend my priceless moments of life.

• I am your Revealer (Isaiah 42:9).

God has spoken in this Word you hold. He leads you through His Word, comforts and keeps you with His Word, and changes you into more usefulness only by His Word. He says, "Let My Word fill your mind and life". We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Revealer by saying to Him:

I want to get into Your Word today and spend time with You my Lord; and I want to feel your comfort; and I want to follow Your will for my life; and I want you to change me a little more to be like Jesus today than I was yesterday.

• I am your Leader (Isaiah 48:17c).

God has given to us the pathway we are to follow in life (Psalm 16:11); and He alone is the guide we can safely follow. The Lord wants to guide and keep us; and often, it is much more than we want to follow and trust. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Leader by saying to Him:

I want to follow Your Path. I will submit to You as my Leader today. And when the path gets rough, or I begin to fear, I want to reach up again and take Your Hand stretched out to me.

• I am your Peace-Giver (Isaiah 48:17).

God has told us over and over that great peace belongs to all who will love and obey His Word (Psalm 119:165). He offers peace that flows like a river through every part of our lives; and He offers a cleansing wave of His grace across the beaches of our lives--so that we can walk on each new day of life with a fresh, new beginning. We need to from our spirits respond to Him as Peace-Giver by saying to Him:

I want Your peace every moment. Keep me in that perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3), and I will do my part-I will keep my mind focused on You. When I feel restless I will repent of whatever wickedness prompted that feeling, look back at You and thank you for Your river of peace, and waves of righteousness.

Source: crosswalk