Dating: God's Best or All the Rest?

(By Belinda Elliott)

Sure, maybe he’s not Prince Charming, but he’s a good guy.

I know he loves me, I just wish he’d treat me better sometimes.

Maybe it’s not the best relationship, but what’s the alternative? No one else is asking me out.

What if I can’t find anyone better? At least I’m not alone.

Ever had these thoughts about someone you are dating? I’ve been there. Too many of my friends are finding themselves there now too. I can’t say that I’m an expert on relationships, but if there is one thing that I feel like God taught me during my dating years (and it took about three years too many for me to learn this) it is that you should never settle for less than God’s best.

I’ve read many books about relationships and Christian dating. My favorite one by far is Choosing God's Best by Don Raunikar. His views helped me establish my own standards regarding marriage. I decided that I wanted nothing less than God’s best for me.

What does that mean?

It means if you have doubts about the relationship, if your significant other doesn’t treat you with the upmost respect, if you argue more than you get along, if you constantly find yourself defending him or her to your friends, then end it. I know that sounds harsh, but let me explain my theory on Christian dating.

I do not believe in “soul mates,” necessarily. But I do believe that if you are seeking God’s will about who you date, He will lead you to someone that is a true fit for you. I don’t mean that your future spouse will be perfect or that you will think alike or always agree on everything. That will never happen. But I do believe that if you seek God’s guidance, He will lead you to the person who is going to be the best match for you. I believe that God pairs us up with people that complement the gifts, talents, and personalities that He has given us – if we let Him.

I have found this to be true in my own life. The guys I dated before I began dating my husband were not all bad guys. In fact, most of them had many good qualities. We genuinely cared about each other and had fun together. But in each relationship there were things that didn’t feel quite right.

In some relationships, I found myself compromising some of my values to be more in line with that guy’s. In other relationships, I began to think that some of the things I had wanted in a husband were perhaps more wishful thinking than things that could actually be. Did those caring, sensitive, funny, godly men really exist?

For instance, one guy that I dated was a very nice guy. But although he said his faith was important to him, attending church and reading the Bible were not high on his priority list. I had to ask myself, “Is he really on the same page as me when it comes to my Christian faith?” “If we have children, will it be important to him that they are raised by godly principles and involved in church?” It turns out we were not in sync on these issues, and I decided to end the relationship.

Another guy was also an okay “match” in many ways. But I began to notice subtle patterns that bothered me. His job often seemed more important to him than our relationship, and he would repeatedly put friends or family before me. For someone whose “love language” is spending quality time together, that was a major issue. When friends began to point out other red flags about our relationship, I took some time to seriously seek God’s will on the matter.

I’d been struggling with making a decision about this particular relationship for at least a year. I truly wanted to do what I felt was God’s will, but I also really didn’t want to give up the relationship. It wasn’t until I was fully ready to obey God’s leading, that the answer came. Once I took my fingers out of my ears and agreed to truly hear what God had to say, His answer was quite clear. “No, this is not the one for you.” After that I made the difficult decision to break up with the guy.

Does it hurt to end a relationship? Of course it does. It’s not easy to break up with someone that you have grown close to. But I’m convinced it is much less hurtful than spending your life being miserable in a marriage.

After that relationship, I had come to the end of my dating rope. “I don’t want to fall in love with anyone else until it is ‘the right one,’” I told God. Since I had not done such a great job of choosing relationships on my own, I decided to let God choose the next one. I wouldn’t even consider dating again until I had sought His will about the person and the relationship.

It was after this that God began unfolding the events that led me to start dating Matt, the man that would become my husband. We had met in college and built a solid friendship through the years, but I had not considered him in a romantic way (although he repeatedly let me know that he was somewhat interested in me).

However, once I put God in charge of my love life, a funny thing happened. I began to see in Matt several of those “husband material traits” that I had been searching for with other guys. I ran down the partial list in my head and realized they were all there.

Godly, Christian man? Check.
Capable of being the spiritual leader in the relationship? Check.
Sensitive? Caring? Funny? Check, check, check!

As I began to observe his life and how he interacted with others, as well as how wonderfully he always treated me, I decided that there could really be something here. As I prayed about it, I felt like God gave me permission to pursue it. Later on, when I prayed about the possibility of marriage, God answered that prayer clearly too. The rest is history. We dated for about 10 months before he proposed.

And now, after nearly four years of marriage I am so glad I followed God’s leading. It’s not that my husband and I never disagree, or that we do not get on each other’s nerves periodically, but married life is so much simpler when you know that this is the person that God led you to. With that in mind, we know God will see us through whatever difficulties we face in the future. And as I look back on past relationships, I can see why Matt and I are the best match compared to others we each dated.

Don’t get me wrong, you could probably make your current relationship work. I believe that there are any number of people that we each could marry and make it work – and even be happy. But I also believe that we will be happiest in marriage if we allow God to choose our mate for us. That doesn’t mean waiting for God to drop that person into your lap, or waiting for a flashing neon sign to blink over his or her head identifying that person as “the one.” Instead, it means taking each relationship to God and asking, “Where do You want this relationship to go?”

And the next step is just as important, are you truly willing to abide by God’s answer?

If God’s will is for you to be married, then I believe He wants you to have the best marriage possible. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for who God made you to be, encourage you to grow spiritually and embrace all that God has for you, and cherish you as a precious gift from your Heavenly Father. Don’t settle for less than that.

The question I've posed to my friends lately, and the one I would ask of all Christian singles, is this: Are you willing to wait for God’s best or are you simply settling for all the rest?

Sumber: cbn

Finding a New Normal: I didn’t have to be a Super-Widow

(by Ev Baerg)

I had just turned 19, and I had no idea that I was about to be confronted with a defining moment in my life. A complete stranger said to me, “You’d better watch out, John’s got his eye on you.”

Apparently John had pointed me out to his colleague, and said, “See that girl? I’m taking her home tonight.” He had a plan for me, and because I cooperated, it included a future, and a hope. It was supposed to last forever or at least until we were both in our nineties. However it ended 3 years ago when cancer took his body, and he started his new life in heaven way ahead of schedule.

Ever since I was a little girl I had hoped to be a teacher and to be married. Both of these dreams were realized very early on. Neither one was without its challenges, but they were both a very good fit for who I was. I loved being John’s wife, and I loved teaching people. I stopped teaching school when I was 26, but I found volunteer opportunities where I could teach adults, and I enjoyed that even more. Then, for the last 14 years, John and I had teamed up to bring marriage seminars to couples across Canada.

Living half a life

Soon after his passing, someone asked me, “Has a lot changed for you now?”

Without stopping to think, I answered, “Everything has changed!” At least that is how I felt. Did I still have a meaningful future? What was left to hope for?

John and I had both accepted the fact that when Jesus had died on the cross, He had done it so we could be freed to live forever with him in heaven. That future and that hope were a wonderful comfort. But for many months, the temptation was to believe that my real life here was over.

Since people soon wanted to know how I was coping, it was easy to conclude that learning to cope was essential. I had to keep earning a living, so I showed up at work. I had to have people in my life, so I kept going to church. I accepted pretty well every invitation that was extended to me . I lived one day at a time and even though it was like I was in a fog, doing only the “next thing” that I had to do, I felt I was coping quite well.

Joy and pain can co-exist

What I didn’t expect was that extreme pain and extreme joy could co-exist. I didn’t know that God also had His eye on me and He was going to court me so I would fall in love with Him in a totally new way.

One day I awoke with a song on my mind. I wanted to know what it was, so I sang along with the melody. I realized that it was an old hymn. The words were, “Jesus will walk with me, He will talk with me, In joy or in sorrow, today or tomorrow, I know He will walk with me.” Overwhelmed, I wept at this message of His love, and also because of the love for God that swept over me in response.

Another day, I was listening to a speaker telling us to ask God some questions. He suggested, “Ask God how he sees you right now”. Again I was shocked by the unexpected, for immediately in my mind, I saw a visual of me in the shape of a heart, complete with eyes, arms and legs, but the heart was split almost in two, with jagged edges.

I kept puzzling about why this had occurred until one morning, two days later. God said, 'If you didn't know it was broken, how could you ask Me to heal it?'

“Idon't know,” I thought. “I just expected I would get better eventually. You know, the 'time heals all wounds' kind of thing.” Wounds do heal with time, but breaks – whether in the bone or in the heart -- don't heal properly unless a physician attends to them and sets them first. Then came the question, "Do you want to be healed?”

What a good question! There were times later when I would think that dying might have been a better alternative. But I decided I did. “Yes.” God began that day by carefully putting His hands around my heart and holding the jagged edges together. God is often referred to as “the Great Physician” and that day he set my heart so it could heal.

Finding a new normal

I knew that my life would never be “normal” again. Normal was living with John, laughing with him, eating meals at a table set for two and growing old together. But in time there would be a new normal. There was hope that eventually I would stop feeling like a stranger in my own life. God still had a plan for me.

Over a year later when I felt there was still so much weakness, I worked up the courage to ask God another question. I wondered if I had made any progress. The words that kept coming to me were, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be”. I was neither ahead or behind of God’s schedule. I was right where I was supposed to be. There is so much comfort in that. Not only had God not forgotten about me, but He thought I was okay.

I was amazed. God wasn’t looking for my performance. I didn’t have to be super-widow. He didn’t want me to cope; to self-medicate my pain; or even to just wait for it to go away. He said He would take care of it, and He is doing that. My part is to let Him.

Early on John’s Director at Campus Crusade came to talk to me. I had been a little concerned about what people would expect of me. I had been in ministry for many years. How are Christians supposed to grieve? He said to me, “Ev don’t let us put you on a pedestal. If you need to cry, then go ahead, or if you don’t, then that’s OK too.” It was a wonderful reminder that God didn’t want me to handle my situation in a super-human way. He simply wanted me to let HIM handle it supernaturally. Christians cry too. We grieve and we question, but we do so knowing that God is very close at hand and that there is hope for us, even if we don’t feel like there is.

Life after death

Now at the end of my third year into this journey, He is showing me that I am not too bad at functioning alone. My car still runs, and I haven’t burned my house down. He is showing me that there is life after death. Like before, I sometimes take two steps forward and three steps back, but His amazing acceptance and His love gifts have not stopped. He has kept me safe and healthy, and six months ago He gave me a new granddaughter to love!

These words that I found on a card say it best. “It is when we cannot understand His purpose that we most need to know His love.” One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in the book of Jude 1:21 (LB) where it says, “Keep yourselves where God can love you.”

Do you know the Great Physician who sets broken hearts and holds them while they heal? And if you do, are you letting him love You? If your world is crashing around you, if you look in the mirror and see an unfamiliar life staring back at you, there is hope.

Joy and pain can co-exist. You can find peace and even joy in midst of your circumstances by asking God to fill you with His Spirit. God wants to be our leverage in living, binding-up the broken hearted. You are not alone in this. God has left His Spirit as a deposit on what is to come – the hope of Heaven (2 Cor. 1:22).

Just as our relationship with God depends totally on what God has done through Jesus Christ, so the power to live the Christian life also comes totally from God. To live the Christian life as God intends, we must continually draw upon God's power, through the Holy Spirit. As we allow the Holy Spirit to fill and control us, He will produce godly character in us and enable us to tell others about Christ.

Expressing the Authentic You

(by Christopher Hopkins)

"When how you appear reflects who you are, you are beautiful." - Christopher Hopkins

Not long after my second appearance on Oprah, a woman flew to Minneapolis from Virginia for a makeover. She was a 54-year-old pastor’s wife who had grown her hair for six months to “give me something to work with.” We didn’t click at first.

She seemed to contradict herself, explaining she liked the length but wanted to look classy. She didn’t want a color change (it was salt and pepper), but wanted to look more youthful. She wanted easy care and to look natural, but she enjoyed setting it in hot rollers and the feel of moving, voluminous hair. She then wanted me to tell her what I would do if she hadn’t said anything.

Guess what? She needed to go short and blonde. She dragged her feet and was extremely indecisive. There was more going on here than just a haircut. After much repetitious dialogue, I pulled out my last stop, which usually goes something like, “Well, you flew all the way here for a makeover. You can go home looking basically the same or you can look great. Which do you want?”

“To look great”, she replied tentatively.
“Then you need to let go and let me make it happen.”

Letting go

She agreed but with trepidation, which is not the best way to begin a new look. So, with more than a little concern, I spun her away from the mirror and began to cut her hair. First the nape, then the sides. When I turned her back toward the mirror, she began to cry.
“What’s wrong?” I asked while taking deep, cleansing breaths.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she whispered “I’m crying because I love it! It’s as if you’ve unlocked part of me that has been missing for years!”

With a sigh of relief, I turned to those pretending they weren’t really looking and said, “Happy tears, tears of joy. Chat amongst yourselves.”

Months later she sent me this letter:

Dear Christopher,
On the 15th of January of this year, I came to your salon for the thrill and fun of a makeover. Little did I know you would work a ransom. Over the years, some forty-six of them, a cry has gone on inside me for just the right look, the one that would suit who I was. As I sat in your chair that Saturday morning, you worked your expertise and I began to cry: You were working a magic that made me feel like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I am so grateful to you. It may have been simply a pairing of face shape to hairstyle on your side of the chair, but on my side it was a touching of the soul.

Sending ourselves mixed messages

Like many, this woman was in denial. Her mind was mixed with messages of aging gracefully vs. fighting it every step of the way. But at some point, often in my chair, a woman is literally face-to-face with reality. Her self-esteem and self-image inseparably intertwined.

Studies confirm that strong self-esteem determines in large part our personal and professional fulfillment. Certainly, we all have good days and bad days, and days when we feel more assured than others. But managing the image you reflect in the mirror better equips you to face the day with confidence.

There is something magical that happens when you look right. You stand taller, your best self seems to come out naturally. You laugh easier and are less self-conscious. The problem is, as we age, it is more and more difficult to define you. It was easy to be you when you looked like you. But you have changed. And with that change comes uncertainty. To look right, you need to know what right is for you. And what is right is what reflects who you are now – your best self at the moment.

Finding what’s right for you

One of the first questions I ask a woman who sits in my chair is, “What do you want this haircut to say about you?” I want to know how she sees herself. I have discovered something in this questioning process. Many women just do not know for sure. They want my opinion on what will look best. That gives me about three minutes to determine who they are. What I know will look best is not necessarily what will feel best to them.

Many women are not giving the message of who they are, because they have not, for various reasons, sat down and figured it out. Often, they just haven’t changed their style to match their growth as a woman. I often hear women say, “I like who I am, just as I am.” Ok, great. But do people see who you are when you walk into a room? Being who you are is one thing, but letting others see who you are takes a little more thought.

If I took a photo of you right now and passed it around asking for words that describe you, would they be the adjectives you’d want to hear? If you want to be appreciated for who you are, it helps to present those qualities in how you look. No matter how our lives change, or how unimportant it seems to make the effort, people who see us deserve to appreciate us without having to spend hours figuring it out.

Source: christianwomentoday

Sex and the City: The Real Story

(By Marian Jordan)

The new film, Sex and the City, features four stylish New York women frequenting bars and talking bluntly about their broad range of sexual experiences. Clad in stylish attire and extremely independent, these women seem to have it all.

But this lifestyle of hookups, hangovers, and heartbreak only leads to emptiness, says author Marian Jordan. In her book, Sex and the City Uncovered, she exposes the myths behind the seemingly glamorous lifestyle. The following article is adapted from her book.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

After a hard night on the town, the women of Sex and the City hit their local breakfast spot to dish on the previous evening’s events and the men it involved. The night before, Carrie, as a local celebrity of sorts, was called upon to judge a firefighters’ calendar contest on Staten Island. One ferry ride and several Staten Island Iced Teas later, the girls found themselves in foreign territory. Samantha, of course, was enamored with the smokin’ hot body of one of the firemen, while Carrie met a handsome politician who had the hots for her. Charlotte indulged in one too many cocktails, and as a result she is nursing quite a headache the next morning.

Back on the island—Manhattan, that is—their get-together results in a lively discussion of the topic “Why do women love firemen?” Miranda leads the charge with her observations, and the others follow suit. Their conversation is the typical brunch banter until Charlotte chimes in with her reason, bringing the table to a stunned silence: “Women just really want to be rescued.” She sighs as she props up her aching head with her hands. You could hear a pin drop as the other women stare back at her in disbelief. Did she really just say that? At this point Carrie, in a voice-over, describes Charlotte’s comment as “the statement single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, much less say out loud.”

The Confession

Knowing that Charlotte is the hopeful romantic of the bunch, it comes as no surprise to us that she utters the words that “single women in their thirties are never supposed to think, much less say out loud.” Of course, she is the one to confess, “Women just really want to be rescued.” But what’s the big deal? Did she say something wrong? Why are the others so shocked? Is Charlotte still drunk? Or maybe, just maybe, she has stumbled onto something. Do women really long to be rescued? Is there something deep down inside each of us that would love to have the white knight sweep in and carry us away? I think for most girls the answer is, “Yes!”

Recently I watched the hit show The Bachelor. This particular season the bachelor happened to be a real prince. Fighting for his affection and attention were twenty-five beautiful women. In the two-hour premiere, one common theme resonated from the women: they wanted the fairy tale. As the evening progressed and the alcohol flowed, the women revealed more and more of their hearts’ true desires. Each wanted to be chosen by the prince and for her childhood longings of being a princess to come true. As I watched the episode and listened to their comments, I thought, This is reality television. Hungering for love and desiring to be chosen, these women had picked up their lives and moved to a castle in Rome in hopes of being rescued by Prince Charming.

So why did the Sex and the City characters, and perhaps many of us, bristle at Charlotte’s comment? It seems the other characters are much too independent and savvy to admit this inner longing. They pride themselves on self-sufficiency and hope to evolve past any notions of having needs and longings, so they blast Charlotte’s old-fashioned idea with a dose of reality. Reality, according to Miranda, is that “the white knight only exists in the movies.” Her reply rings with bitterness toward men and a lack of trust in anyone but herself. The same is true of Carrie’s response, except she takes a different approach, saying, “Did you ever think we’re supposed to rescue ourselves?” There it is—the motto of the modern single woman: “I don’t need anyone, and I can do it all by myself.”

Charlotte does not buy their dismissals, and her response to their advice is revealing when she replies, “That’s depressing!” And we have to admit, it is, but why? Probably because as women, since the first time we played with Barbie, we’ve imagined Ken coming in his sports car to rescue her from the clutches of GI Joe. This is part of the fabric of being a girl. But surely, some would say, we’ve all grown up and put those childish dreams behind us. After all, hasn’t life taught us some pretty tough lessons? White knights don’t always come to the rescue, and sometimes, let’s face it, Ken actually likes GI Joe. For some of us, these life lessons have left us hard and a little jaded too. So, like Miranda, it’s easier to shove the desire to be rescued behind us and pretend it’s just a fantasy.

But what if it’s not? Let’s imagine just for a moment that it’s real—the fairy tale, the hero, and all the stuff that romantic movies thrive on. Let’s imagine for just a minute that it is a legitimate longing and examine why Charlotte’s confession resonates with us. Why do women long to be rescued? Why is this desire ingrained in the heart of every little girl? To answer this question, we must dig a little deeper and ask some fundamental questions.
The Rescue

First, what is meant by the word rescue? The word rescue means “to set free, as from danger or imprisonment; to save.” (Kudos, Mr. Webster.) From the damsel in distress, who is tied to train tracks as a high-speed locomotive approaches, to the princess, who is locked away in the perilous castle, the role of the hero is to save his lady from whatever enemy she faces.

I’ll be honest: life’s been so intense at times that I’ve daydreamed that someone comes along and takes me away from it all. I’ve gazed out my office window hoping to see Prince Charming ride up on his white horse (or in an SUV—I’m not really picky about the mode of transportation). Just like Charlotte, I did my share of barhopping in the past, hoping to meet “the one.” But I’ve realized the desire to be rescued goes much deeper than just a longing for a man. I know plenty of women with great men who still have this desire. Women identify with the longing to be rescued—young and old, married and single, rich and poor. Ladies, this desire is bigger than any man can fill.

Because this is a common desire, is there also then a common problem? In other words, is there something that we all need to be rescued from? Is there something basic to all of us that causes us to feel like we need help or we need to be set free? What is it that makes us hope and dream that someone will come along who can make all right in our world? Our desire to be rescued implies we are held captive … imprisoned.

But what is this prison?

I believe the universal prison in which we are all held is best described in a country song from the ’80s by Waylon Jennings called “Lookin’ for Love in All the Wrong Places.”

The Prison

The song is a classic because everyone can identify with the problem. Here’s the point: this song describes, and human experience confirms, that humankind is in a prison—a perpetual and fruitless search for something or someone to make us feel loved, complete, and whole. Each one of us has an empty place in our hearts that aches to be filled.

You know the ache I’m talking about. You aren’t satisfied; you don’t feel complete; something is missing, and you keep hoping that the next relationship or the next job or even a new outfit will remedy the ache, but it doesn’t. Life can be going along great, and, yet, that empty gnawing is still there—the one that cries out, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for!” And as a result, we desperately search and we hunt for a love that will fill our emptiness and make us feel complete. And on and on and on we go.

This is my story. I went looking for love in all kinds of places, only to find myself more empty and confused as a result. From parties to people, from shopping to men, job promotions and even more parties … hoping something would bring me a sense of security or love. Happy hour eventually is over, the guy inevitably fails to be perfect, and food may fill a stomach but not a soul. My disillusionment eventually led to despair. Life seemed without hope and joy seemed elusive. I was captive to the emptiness.

I see this same desperation and disappointment in the lives of the women portrayed on the show Sex and the City. While on the surface everything appears glamorous and exciting, if you take a step back and evaluate their soul-searching questions, you see women who are hoping for someone to rescue them from the pain and emptiness they feel.

For example, let’s consider Charlotte. Like most of us girls, she hopes to find the love her heart longs for in a man. She is by far the most hopeful romantic of the crew. Over the six seasons of Sex and the City, we watched as she searched from man to man hoping to find “the one” who would complete her. Did she find him? Well, yes and no. She did get married (two times, in fact), but once she found a husband, did he fill her emptiness? No. The last season ended with Charlotte hoping the ache in her heart would be filled with a child. So, her search continues.

Can you relate? How often do you tell yourself the following?
• If I were married, then my life would be perfect.
• Or, If I had a better job, then I would be satisfied.
• Or, When I buy my own house, then I will be happy.
• Or what about this one? When I lose ten pounds, then I will feel OK.

We believe the solution to the restlessness we feel is remedied by finding something or someone to fill the emptiness in our hearts. But as we all know, those things may work for a season, but after a while that old familiar ache returns and we move on to the next thing or the next person, thinking that this time we will find what we are looking for.

This is why I call “looking for love in all the wrong places” a prison. For some of us it can be a life sentence. The pursuit to fill the void can be endless and full of disappointment. But that leads us to the most important question of all: what caused this emptiness in the first place?

The answer is found in the Bible. In Scripture we are told the story of God and how our problem of “looking for love” first began. The Bible tells us that humanity is created by God and for God. Translation: He is the Designer and Creator of Life, so in order to find out how things got all jacked up in our world, we must go back to the “Designer’s manual.”

Let’s play Fantasy Island for just a minute and imagine Dolce & Gabana designs a one-of-a-kind outfit just for you. It goes without saying that they would know best how this outfit is supposed to be worn (the perfect accessories, fit, shoes, etc.). Why? Because they are the designers. Hello? That’s the same with God. As our Creator, we need to look to Him and His Word (a.k.a. The Bible) to understand how life was meant to be lived. So for us to understand why we deal with insecurity, self-doubt, restlessness, and a perpetually empty soul, we must turn to the original design to see what God created us for and what went wrong.

The Beginning

In the beginning, God placed the human race in a beautiful garden that He filled with everything they needed for a life of joy, peace, and purpose. Adam and Eve were provided for and given the responsibility to rule over and care for God’s creation. And right from the start, God declared our identity (the “who am I?” question) when He looked on the first man and woman and declared us to be “very good” (Gen. 1:31).

This is a powerful moment. When God speaks over Adam and Eve the word good, He establishes their identity. You know how when you fall in love, one of the best things about being with that special person is how they make you feel about yourself? Well, that is the situation we have here. Our God-given design is one that when we are in relationship with Him, we know who we are and we know we are loved. As the Designer, He alone has the authority to name and define—and His declaration of His design from the very beginning was “very good.”

Here’s the thing: originally humankind didn’t need to be rescued from “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Why not, you ask? Because all was right and good in our world—we didn’t struggle with the self-doubt, insecurity, restlessness, and emptiness that you and I experience today. You see, it was never God’s original design for people to suffer from the nagging inadequacies we feel.
The Design

Uncovered. Naked and not ashamed! This is the condition of man and woman while living in the midst of the unconditional love of God. Adam and Eve didn’t know the meaning of insecurity. They didn’t ask questions such as, “Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Will I be accepted? Am I lovable?” Eve never asked, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

Identity is something that is bestowed. We cannot define ourselves. Today, we are always looking outside of ourselves for someone to tell us who we are, but for Adam and Eve, the question of their identity wasn’t up for debate. First of all, when God created them, He essentially said, “You are good and you don’t need to do anything to prove yourself or seek anyone else to tell you that you are worthy of love.” So, for Adam and Eve, the self-worth question was solved. If the God of the universe, who spoke the world into existence, said they were good—then that settled it.

Girlfriends, can you fathom walking into a room and never thinking, Do I look OK? Just imagine being fully known, explicitly seen, and fully loved—never fearing rejection, never meeting a new group of people and feeling like you don’t belong. Try to imagine having a confidence that isn’t based on fickle things such as money, a new pair of shoes, or attracting male attention.
The Scam

The pure freedom and unshakable confidence Adam and Eve experienced were wonderful while they lasted, but the harmony and beauty of Eden were shattered when Satan entered the scene.

Satan (starring as the Serpent) scammed Eve into disobeying God. This deception is the root cause of our perpetual search for love and completion today—the real reason we are looking for love in all the wrong places and we all long to be rescued.

Satan tricked Eve. But it is important to note just exactly how this ruse went down. First, he caused her to doubt God by asking, “Did God really say?” Then he outright called God a liar when he suggested, “Surely, you won’t die.” By leading Eve to doubt the truthfulness of God’s word, Satan undermined her trust in God.

Satan’s scam was basically an attack on the goodness of God. His theory went something like this: if God is good, then He would allow you to eat of any tree. God must be bad because He said you can’t eat of this certain tree.

Eve bought into the lie. She rebelled against her God—her source of life, security, and love.

Perhaps you’ve been in a similar situation. You hear a great marketing pitch about a new cosmetic product that promises to eliminate wrinkles, cellulite, bad breath, and make you taller all at the same time. Sold, you charge the wonder pill to your credit card (at only $49.99 a month for the rest of your life) only later to discover . . . you’ve been scammed! The whole thing is a lie. The wonder pill isn’t so wonderful. It doesn’t deliver on its promises, and with it comes a whole new world of side effects. This is exactly like Satan’s promise to Eve, except the side effects of his scam were far more devastating—they were life altering.

Today, many women, like Eve, are deceived— believing the lie that the love we hunger for is found in the alluring lifestyle portrayed on Sex and the City. Masked behind couture fashion, clever writing, and beautiful people is a life of searching and desperation. I know because I’ve been there myself. The lure is clever, but the promises don’t deliver. Here’s the big problem with deception: you don’t know it’s a lie until you face the consequences.

We were not created for life separated from God. When Adam and Eve chose to dethrone God and cut the cord of dependence—by deciding for themselves what is good and evil—humankind indeed got independence from God. And this independence is the source of every heartache, disappointment, and the emptiness we experience in the world today.

Today, we all experience the loss and separation that resulted from Adam and Eve’s fatal decision. Instead of knowing peace and security, we feel angst and incompleteness. Instead of knowing who we are and if we are loved, we are constantly searching and striving for someone to tell us who we are. Our desire to be rescued, therefore, finds its origin in the human need to be reconnected with our Creator—to be back in the place of security and rest that comes from being in His presence—simply, the place we were created to inhabit.

Charlotte is right. Women really do want to be rescued!
The Rest of the Story

I’m just a girl who believed the lie that the deep longings of my soul could be fulfilled in the lifestyle portrayed on Sex and the City. Rescued from the emptiness, I’m here to tell other women the rest of the story. God doesn’t abandon us. He knows our design. He knows apart from Him we are searching, restless, and incomplete. And because He loves us with this incomprehensible love, He comes to rescue us and set us free from our prison of “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Source: cbn

Dinner and a Movie

(by Candice Z. Watters)

I'm not sure what's worse: falling for a great guy but having no idea where the relationship's headed or having no prospects in sight. Both are frustrating. And both leave you feeling no closer to marriage than when you started.

I guess at least with the "I've fallen for someone great" option, you get the benefit of losing your appetite and having your clothes fit better. And you have the hope that at some point, he'll commit.

Still, abiding stalled relationships is no way to spend your most marriable years. But it seems to be the way things are. "Today there are no socially prescribed forms of conduct that help guide young men and women in the direction of matrimony," write Amy and Leon Kass in their book Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar . "[T]here are no known explicit or even tacit social paths directed at marriage.... For the great majority the way to the altar is uncharted territory. Those who reach the altar seem to have stumbled upon it by accident."

It wasn't always this way.

From Steps to Stalled

In her book Why There Are No Good Men Left, Barbara Dafoe Whitehead explains how, for centuries, Western societies had well-established courtship norms to help young people select mates. She called that The Marriage System and said of it, "It has established norms, practices and occasions that help men and women meet, get to know each other, learn about each other's character, habits and interests." Think balls and parties -- so prominent in Jane Austen novels. "To be fond of dancing," wrote Austen in Pride and Prejudice, "was a certain step toward falling in love."

The problem, she notes, is the erosion of these customs and traditions, of "the system [that] sought to promote and regularize romantic courtship." Though some vestiges of courtship remain, most are faint memories that have been replaced by what she calls The Relationship System. This system is designed not to foster life-long marriage but serial relationships. Noted as much for the breakup as for the beginning of a new relationship, it's characterized by serial heartache.

In the old days, women recognized where they were in their progress toward marriage -- the behavior of their man, in view of cultural expectations, gave them the much-needed clues. As Dafoe Whitehead explains it, "Romantic courtship ... is organized as a linear progression, or ladder.... Each step becomes progressively more public. Each rung has greater institutional recognition and social support. Each level moves the couple higher up the ladder toward marital commitment."

In The Relationship System, however, each change in a relationship's status is just that, a change. From friends, to boyfriend/girlfriend, to lovers, to cohabiting couple, each stage is no further from, or closer to, marriage. It just is. The problem is that many women think they're in the traditional courtship system where each change is actually progress toward marriage. But the erosion of societal norms and expectations has given men permission to take what they can get, with little expected in return.

It leaves traditionally-minded women in quite a state, "like being an Amish woman at a rave."

I was that "Amish" girl. As I've written before, Steve Watters and I were best friends for a year, but he showed no signs of moving us toward anything more. Despite our deep emotional intimacy -- something that in Jane Austen's day would have surely guaranteed a proposal -- we were stalled.

I needed to let Steve know I wanted to be part of the traditional system that moved with purpose toward marriage -- and not just flounder in The Relationship System -- I had to Pull a Ruth. (That's a whole other story.) Thankfully, he was part "Amish" himself. It just took some encouragement and prayer to remind him of his roots -- and his true desires.

I think a lot of Christian guys are like Steve was. Something in them longs for adventure, partnership, purpose. They just don't realize that one of the surest ways to achieve those desires is to marry well.

So what's a marriage-minded girl to do, surrounded as she is by guys who've been taught to think they're part of The Relationship System?

Testing for Progress

Dr. Scott Stanley, a lead marriage researcher at the University of Denver, says that since we no longer have societal norms and expectations for marriage in place, what a woman needs are some tests; ways she can discern where a relationship is headed without initiating the conversation-stopping DTR ("define the relationship" talk).

Her task is two-fold: find out if her man is interested in, and capable of, moving toward marriage and re-establish marriage as the purpose of dating.

One of the best ways to do that is to head to the movies.

Why movies? Because they create a natural opportunity to discuss things that might not otherwise come up till months into the relationship; things like parenthood, marriage, finances, faith amidst trial, commitment to work, moral certainty under pressure, and more.

If you choose your movies wisely -- for more than sheer entertainment -- looking for stories that have something useful to say about real life, you may just get the chance to ask some questions of your date that on their own would seem pushy, forced or simply out of place. A good movie puts these issues on the table. They'll never replace the ladder Dafoe Whitehead discusses, but they can be a powerful tool for moving a relationship forward.

Back when we were just friends, Steve and I would go to a movie then spend the next several hours talking about it. Whether it was a good story, good casting, good cinematography -- and how the tale applied to our lives. We always looked for the applications. And if there weren't any, or any that seemed realistic, we talked even longer; About how the director had missed an opportunity to inspire, instruct or inform.

We watched some good stories: Toy Story, Mr. Holland's Opus, Sabrina, Spitfire Grill. But even if we had chosen a stinker, especially one with questionable morals, it would have been useful for observing the other's response. I'd never want to marry a guy who didn't respect my need to get up and exit a bad movie -- or better yet, initiate leaving.

A Mighty Movie

The week Emma opened in movie theaters, Steve Watters and I were still just friends. The movie was part of 1996's summer lineup; a summer marked by the hijinx of not knowing where our relationship was headed. We'd been spending countless hours together every day, growing in emotional intimacy. Still, despite my hopes, I was no more certain of a future with Steve than when I'd first met him.

Since we were both fans of period pieces, we decided to head to the movies. The more the story unfolded -- quintessential Jane Austen heroine attempts to play matchmaker, clumsily taking the love lives of her friends into her own hands -- the more I could see us in the characters. By the end of the film, Emma, convinced that her matchmaking abilities are woefully inadequate, finds her own love in her longtime friend Mr. Knightly. In fact the story so closely resembled ours that I was at once ecstatic and afraid to speak. Surely he saw it. Surely he knows without a doubt that I am Emma and he, Mr. Knightly.

I didn't dare break the silence that filled the car ride home. I didn't want to risk breaking his train of thought; which I was certain focused on us and where we were headed and how our story so closely paralleled the one we'd just watched on the big screen.

It was a quiet ride home. He didn't say much. I still remember racing up to my room after he dropped me off. I could barely breathe.

The film helped me see once and for all that Steve was "my Mr. Knightly." It was only a day or two later that I finally "Pulled a Ruth." And the rest, as they say, is history.

Next time the guy you're romantic with says, "What should we do tonight," why not suggest dinner and a movie? Or better yet, a movie and then dinner. With all that fodder for conversation, there'll be a lot more on the table than just food.

Rethinking the Gift of Singleness

(by Debbie Maken)

Is singleness really a "gift"?

Singles live in a time when their church leaders and friends have told them that their state of singleness should be considered a "gift" from the Lord, a special time to devote themselves to spiritual work. Bumper sticker flattery is routinely used to justify prolonging the single years. Perhaps it's time to ask whether singleness in general — specifically protracted singleness (apart from "celibate service") — has much historical or biblical legitimacy.

A Historical Take on Singleness

On the whole of history, past generations of Christians saw singles under a divine obligation — one might say a duty — to marry. The marriage mandate was considered universal in its application, and the purposes of marriage were uniformly understood to be three-fold:

* for society (companionship)
* for love (physical affection), and
* for the production of the next generation of the church (children)

It was not only the duty to marry that was held sacrosanct, but also the proper and timely execution thereof. With I Corinthians 7 intact in their Bibles, Christians used to believe that extended singleness had no biblical warrant. The Westminster Confession, for example, lists the "undue delay of marriage" as sin (Q. 139). Even Scripture five times hearkens to the phrase "wife/bridegroom of your youth," not your middle ages, youth being the only season that allows one to enjoy the full bundle of rights and privileges of marriage, and to accomplish its generational purposes.

The laws and practices of these former cultures likewise conveyed to all what was normative and what behavior was expected. Throughout the ages, for example, women enjoyed an infrastructure (their family or clan) to see them into the safe harbor of marriage. From arranged marriages to courtship/calling, all conspired to protect and guide women from squandering their best, most fertile years in futility.

In these earlier systems, those who were beholden to the bride through either blood or other ties were given the responsibility to guide her into marriage. This was primarily done by conditioning access of any prospective suitor on demonstrable showings of worthiness. Men were kept on a tight leash in these earlier systems. Today, we are stuck in a system that is the exact opposite — the balance of power has shifted to some random young man who, though he has virtually unfettered access to the woman, has no binding to her to initiate and bring about a marriage.

Also in these former cultures, there were consequences when behavior fell below the expected societal standard. The Puritans, for example, actually maintained laws that executed fines and imprisonment for single living. In one case where a single man John Littleale was found living by himself, where he was "subject to many sins, which are ordinarily the companions of a solitary life," he was ordered to move in with a family, or be placed in the house of corrections in the Hamptons.

I suspect that there was nothing as off-putting to a grown man as being treated like a child in the home of another. However, the shame alone in such measures would have caused John and others like him to grow up and meet the demands of true biblical masculinity as defined by those around him.

Even as late as the 1950s, the bachelor was considered a freak for he had avoided the mantle of adulthood in taking on the responsibilities of a wife and family. He was considered "eccentric," a "late bloomer," a man who never really could prove he was a man. An unwed woman was pitied in terms such as "old maid," for she had been the victim of poor opportunities in the unrelenting passage of time. And a few women were rightly considered "spinsters," for their actions had frustrated any potential suitors.

Now, compare those beliefs to what singles are told today. "God is your husband." "Bloom where you are planted." "There are plenty of ministries you can help with during this time." "Be content." "Make the desire of your heart Jesus, not marriage." The desire for marriage has been placed on a collision course with the desire for God, the One Who made marriage in the first place. With this kind of pitting, singles are often reduced to extolling singleness, much like a witch having the grace to drown to prove innocence. In the same vein, these messages dissuade young men from seeking marriage because of the false validation they receive for embarking on the less taxing challenges of mere service activities.

Chronological Snobbery

Why are Christians today so apt to validate a lifestyle that in the past would have been considered wayward and askew? To borrow a phrase from C.S. Lewis, our own "chronological snobbery" may make us believe that somehow we know more today than those who preceded us. However, our contemporary belief that Scripture validates singleness en masse is a modern invention that has sprouted only in this generation.

The ease of flattery and our alliance with pop culture has produced a language of holy doublespeak where adult singleness is thought of as acceptable, even biblical. Instead of placing this modern phenomenon of protracted singleness under Scripture for scrutiny, we have done the exact opposite — we have made Scripture the handmaiden to the phenomenon. I Corinthians 7, anyone? Instead of viewing Scripture as a whole and acknowledging that out of the thousands of characters, only a handful were single, we like to take parts out of context and argue that it gives us cover.

Past Christians also read I Corinthians 7, and they understood that Paul was writing at a time of "great distress," referring to the famine in the Greek countryside and the percolating persecutions taking place at the time. Because of these threatening circumstances, Paul advised that marriage could temporarily be placed on the back-burner. They understood that letter to convey expediency, nothing more.

Paul never held marriage and singleness to be on equal planes, and neither did past Christians. Paul acknowledged celibacy (i.e., the supernatural removal of sexual desire) as a God-given gift. He acknowledged that the celibate could be single, but that the single could not necessarily be celibate and therefore prescribed marriage.

Contemporary Christian teaching on this subject blurs the line between celibacy and singleness and leaves singles mistakenly believing that the two are the same. God is often painted as capriciously willing singleness for some and not others. Consequently and sadly, many Christian singles resign themselves to this less-than-ideal state. A more thoughtful and critical examination reveals that today's singleness is not some sort of divinely ordained, interminable state for a quarter of the population, but the result of a string of systematic impediments to marriage:

* a male-friendly mating structure that is not geared toward marriage, but toward low-commitment, short term, shallow cyclical relationships
* a low view of marriage, with the process to achieve it reflecting its value: the casual nature of dating ultimately reflects the casual nature with which we treat our marriages
* lack of male leadership in the home, with parents bringing up boys to remain boys
* a protracted education system that doesn't really educate
* the removal of shame for indulging in the Indian Summer of one's adolescence or for being a perennial bachelor
* a privatized version of the meaning of marriage
* a diminished expectation of marriage from the divorce culture, and
* a redefinition or a defining downward of healthy biblical adulthood

In the church, instead of acknowledging that singles are operating in the most dysfunctional mating scheme known to world history, we simply presume on the Lord and his sovereignty to override our collective recklessness. Instead of recognizing that many single women are victims because of the deficits in the present construct, we dismiss their unwanted status as simply "God's will."

Today's singleness is not celibacy-induced kingdom work unaccommodating to family life. No, it's the result of choices and mistakes by both the individual and society. Today's singleness is either a lifestyle option or purely circumstantial; therefore, it is largely unbiblical.

Because past Christian thinkers rightly understood that biblically excused singleness was a rare exception, they also correctly believed that the rest of us were under the creation mandate to marry in a timely manner. This duty is hard to appreciate in a generation where the very permanency of marriage is in doubt. If marriage can be unilaterally modified by the reneging spouse, and the costs of stakeholders in the union (such as children) be overlooked, then is there any room for discussion of whether one fails to marry in the first place?

But this goes to the heart of the argument — accountability. John Calvin intimated that any man who, without the gift of continence, failed to marry was guilty of stealing a husband from a wife. He thought that if the two sexes be separated they were like "mutilated members of a mangled body." Martin Luther agreed, and believed that the male and female ordering of Genesis mandated marriage for mankind. Marriage was not thought of as optional.

We are a generation that blinds itself to the notion that the failure to marry timely (i.e., in the Spring of our adult lives) can be as costly as a divorce. It costs someone a spouse, it robs someone of legitimate sexual relations, it deprives grandparents of their grandchildren, it fails to replenish the nursery of the church.

In Defense of Women

I know this proposition stings modern ears. I can think of many women, myself included at one time, who might argue, "But it's not my fault I'm single." True, most women are not to blame here as they are not the ones to bend down on one knee and propose. But being blameless cannot serve to validate an unintended outcome.

Single women may take the conclusion offered in this article as a personal affront. They may insist upon validation and affirmation for a state they readily admit resembles a cruel joke as opposed to a gift. However, the answer to our dilemma is not to accelerate our cultural acceptance of protracted singleness or make it look more glorified than it really is. Validating singleness categorically only guarantees more singleness. Perhaps it's time to challenge the ideas that are now in play, especially those in the church.

Women will have no relief from the present holding cell of unwanted singleness until we recapture a world life view that exalts marriage as both a blessing and an obligation. That worldview restrains men's baser instincts and desire to live unconstrained, immature lives. That worldview assists women and pities them when their desire to be a homemaker is snuffed out. That worldview has checks and balances. That worldview holds real promise for women to achieve their maximum biblical potential, instead of the momentary comfort of flattery. That worldview believes adult singleness, in the vast number of cases, to be unbiblical.

Please understand that I'm not proposing a return to the past, but a recapturing of these older, irrefutable, wiser truths. Because ideas have consequences, what we believe about singleness and marriage will shape how we will live, and ultimately whether we will realize marriage during the most desirable season.

Source: Boundless