Dreams: are they just a lust of our mind or are they really exist and need to be fulfilled?
I don't get it... (-_-")
Lately I'm dreaming of traveling abroad... This is a bit weird, considering that I have never wished that I would go abroad in the past, at all... I was just content with my city and my country, while some people I know really want to go abroad for vacation. But now I feel the same desire (-_-")
Sometimes I still don't understand, are certain dreams really need to be fulfilled (we must strive and try everything legal to pursue them) or they are just merely temporary lusts? Yes, lust... 'Cause they might be born in our mind out of a boredom, or just as an expression of our deepest wish to be "free"? Free from everyday routines and tasks... to refresh our mind and soul, to feel and experience the new environment, meet new people, learn new culture... even if it's just for a while...
I guess that maybe sometimes people need to add new vocabularies to the brain, fresh perspectives, to refresh our "human library"... to feed our thirst of new knowledge...
...at least that's the way I feel...
But unfortunately, not everyone can get their dreams to go traveling... They stumbled upon the costs, their family, their current job, all things that make their dreams harder to reach.
Then I think... if our life is not about us but about God (because we are His possession), I'm questioning are those kind of dreams worth to be pursued?
Certainly, if I think about the wholeness of life, like it is written in Ecclesiastes, everything is meaningless... it's true. 'Cause no matter how much we can get, no matter how great is our pride, no matter how many places we can visit and "conqueror", anything you name it... at the end, they will be all meaningless... because our true life is not meant for this temporary world, but later, in the eternity (Ecclesiastes 3:11)... That's why we can never be satisfied with the earthly things...
But another perspective, through all the process to achieve and experience our dreams, we can learn about His love, His almighty power, we can learn how to relate with God and also with other people the right way... Isn't that what God wants us to experience? Isn't that what God's goal for us to achieve? He wants us to be more alike with Him and also make every people His disciples. How we can fulfill God's goal in our life? By relating with God and others...
...and traveling is just one way among so many other ways...
Hmmm... I wish I can go travel to everywhere someday... not for the sake of traveling itself, but for a deeper purpose...
Showing posts with label single life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single life. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Life Support
(by Brenna Kate Simonds - Boundless)
One afternoon, I thought, "I think I'm bored." Then I thought, "Is that really possible — being the mom of a very active toddler?" Then I thought maybe I was depressed. After sitting down and having a good cry, I figured out what I was actually feeling.
I was lonely.
I had recently had a miscarriage. If you had asked me a month before that loss if I had a good support system, friends I could call if I needed something, I would have absolutely said yes.
But having the miscarriage changed something. I had plenty of people who e-mailed me after the miscarriage to say they were available if I needed anything, or that they had been through something similar. I did follow up with two of these people and tried to connect, but that never happened.
Maybe it was pride, or shame, or just plain grief, but I couldn't seem to reach out to others.
I think everyone struggles with disconnect. It seems to have gotten worse now that you don't have to pick up the phone, write a letter or make a coffee date to connect with someone. The age of message boards, e-mail and Facebook gives me this false sense of security, that I have all these friends and I know what's going on with them and they know what's going on with me — people I rarely or never see for any kind of "face-to-face" interaction.
I've come to realize that's not what Jesus had in mind when He talked about sharing life with other believers.
The tragedy of the miscarriage sent me in search of what it looks like to have a sufficient support system in one's life, as well as what some of the obstacles to that are. This is something I had been thinking about for a long time in the ministry I do with those dealing with sexual brokenness. We are constantly emphasizing the need to be connected with other Christians, specifically as we grow in our faith.
One day, a ministry participant asked me point-blank, "So how do I make friends? How exactly can I get connected?" To those of you who have experienced the disconnect and loneliness that I just shared, you already know it's a more challenging question than it initially appears to be. So I set out to practice what I preached and find some tangible ways to connect.
Even before Facebook, our society for quite some time has tended to breed isolation, independence and individualism. In my curiosity to discover the origin of this disconnect, I came across an anthropology book that studied familial trends in the United States. The anthropologist concluded:
A pervasive theme of American child-rearing ideology is independence, which can be considered under three headings: separateness, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence. The emphasis on separateness begins at birth among middle-class Americans, with the allocation of a separate room to the neonate, requiring him to sleep in his own bed removed from others in the family.
The author goes on to say,
Parents begin to emphasize sharing only after the child has become habituated to eating, sleeping and being comforted alone, on his own terms, and with his own properties — which he has become reluctant to give up. (From Childhood Socialization: Comparative Studies of Parenting, Learning and Educational Change by Robert A. LeVine)
It's no wonder we struggle to connect! To admit we might need others is seen as weak. Pick yourself up by your boot straps, take the bull by the horns, pull yourself together — all of these clichés reinforce the belief that we need to take care of and fix ourselves.
This train of thought breaks down when the rubber hits the road, and can result not only in loneliness and frustration as we try to meet all our own needs, but also in increased illness. In the Alameda County Study, researchers followed 7,000 people over the course of nine years. The most isolated people were three times more likely to die than those with strong relational connections. Three times!
Another study was done where 276 people were infected with a virus that produces the common cold. People with strong emotional connections did four times better fighting off illness than those who were more isolated. As one of my favorite speakers, Sy Rogers, would say: "True for the body, true for the soul." How we work biologically can be a direct analogy to how we work emotionally, relationally and spiritually.
There have been many times when being in relationship with others has positively changed me. I think of my first Bible study leader. The first time we met for lunch, I told her everything about me — my struggles with same-sex attractions, self-injury, disordered eating, and so on. I fully expected her to be disgusted and run out of the restaurant. But she did exactly the opposite. She lovingly welcomed me not only to Bible study, but also into her life. Through her, I learned that I could truly love a woman, be in close friendship with her and not be tempted to be in a sexual relationship with her.
I think of my therapist of three years. She continually reminded me of who I was in Christ, and gently challenged my faulty ways of thinking. My friend Judy taught me how to really experience the depth of grace.
I need people. Think of Jesus. In a mystery we can't completely understand, He was fully God and fully man, with all the power and knowledge of God, and with all the needs and temptations that we have. Yet there were times when He specifically requested that the disciples, and in particular John, James and Peter, accompany Him somewhere, pray with Him, just be with Him. If He needed people, then I certainly need people.
So we know we need to be connected. How do we get connected?
Remember that no one is normal. Normal is a setting on the dryer. It's a hair type or a skin type at the drug store. I used to be afraid of people who appeared to be "normal"; I was sure they wouldn't be able to relate to any of my weird, "out there" problems.
Then I realized when actually getting to know some people I thought were "normal," that everyone has something they'd prefer to hide. After all, people in the Bible aren't "normal" either. I'm fairly certain that even those who managed to not slip up too bad were not viewed as "normal" in their day. Truly connecting is accepting people "as is," as they come, and asking them to do the same.
Meet people in groups
Imagining walking up to someone and asking them to hang out can be intimidating, even to this extrovert. Soon after the miscarriage, my husband and I joined a small group, with toddler in tow. It was one married couple, singles who were recent college graduates, and one older woman, and us. They were very accommodating of us and our child.
I also started having moms groups in my home. I went through my e-mail address book, and invited every woman who was a mom, no matter what her age. I also helped organize a gathering of moms from my online moms group.
Maybe your church has some small groups based on common interests. If not, you could start one. Meeting people in groups helps me to get a feel for different people. I'm drawn to people who are honest, who don't worry about what other people might think, who seem comfortable in their own skin.
In groups, we can look for people who are healthily vulnerable. Jesus was transparent, but there was a level of transparency He reserved only for certain people in His life. Not everyone needs to know all our business, but a few people need to know most of it. Find people who are not afraid to be weak, who talk about sin and struggle in an honest and redemptive way.
Make relationships top priority
As I tried to reach out after the miscarriage, I found that people, myself included, really struggle with living a life where trying to have coffee with a friend doesn't requires planning three months in advance. If I really want to connect with people, I need to make room in my life and my schedule for them.
This is an increasing challenge with every life change. In college, it's easier to connect because you live and study with the same people every day. Then you graduate and have to be more even more purposeful about finding time to connect. Then add marriage and family to the mix, and it gets even crazier.
My husband and I have had to get more creative in connecting. We try to invite people over for meals. Eating is something we have to do anyway. Don't be afraid to use your imagination when trying to make relationships top priority.
I need more than a single best friend
After the miscarriage, I realized that of the three people I considered to be my closest friends, only one lived within a reasonable distance from me. In their book Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend write,
We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.
Jesus had 12 good friends, His Apostles, but He also had three intimate friends whom He took with Him certain places, such as the transfiguration, and the raising to life of the dead girl in Mark 5. At the Garden of Gethsemane, He had the nine other disciples sit at a distance while Peter, John and James went further into the garden with Him.
Be realistic
Friendships take time, and they take work. Disagreements are an ordinary part of relating, and yet people tend to run at the first sign of conflict. I recently heard a pastor say, "If you agree with someone 100 percent of the time, one of you is unnecessary." I've found I need my friendships to be secure and valuable enough to be worth the discomfort of honesty and disagreement.
Even Jesus' intimate friends displayed human failings, such as Peter denying he even knew Jesus. Jesus was patient, and Jesus forgave. He expected His friend to be human, and humans make mistakes.
John 10:10 says "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I have a real enemy, whose purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. It's interesting to me that part of his first assignment was to break the perfect relationship that Adam and Eve had, not only with God, but with each other.
The enemy doesn't want me to have real relationships. Within a few days of having two moms groups at my home, my son got horribly sick for two weeks, probably a bug he picked up from one of the kids who came over. The enemy tried to discourage me with thoughts like, "That's what you get for having all those germs in your home!" That's when I need to start praying. I remind myself that in this age of false connections and pseudo friendships, I've yet to meet someone who doesn't struggle with finding solid, meaningful friendships.
Relationships take risks, they take time, but I need them in order to thrive. Following Jesus' example gives me courage to persevere in pursuing the kinds of relationships that Jesus had.
One afternoon, I thought, "I think I'm bored." Then I thought, "Is that really possible — being the mom of a very active toddler?" Then I thought maybe I was depressed. After sitting down and having a good cry, I figured out what I was actually feeling.
I was lonely.
I had recently had a miscarriage. If you had asked me a month before that loss if I had a good support system, friends I could call if I needed something, I would have absolutely said yes.
But having the miscarriage changed something. I had plenty of people who e-mailed me after the miscarriage to say they were available if I needed anything, or that they had been through something similar. I did follow up with two of these people and tried to connect, but that never happened.
Maybe it was pride, or shame, or just plain grief, but I couldn't seem to reach out to others.
I think everyone struggles with disconnect. It seems to have gotten worse now that you don't have to pick up the phone, write a letter or make a coffee date to connect with someone. The age of message boards, e-mail and Facebook gives me this false sense of security, that I have all these friends and I know what's going on with them and they know what's going on with me — people I rarely or never see for any kind of "face-to-face" interaction.
I've come to realize that's not what Jesus had in mind when He talked about sharing life with other believers.
The tragedy of the miscarriage sent me in search of what it looks like to have a sufficient support system in one's life, as well as what some of the obstacles to that are. This is something I had been thinking about for a long time in the ministry I do with those dealing with sexual brokenness. We are constantly emphasizing the need to be connected with other Christians, specifically as we grow in our faith.
One day, a ministry participant asked me point-blank, "So how do I make friends? How exactly can I get connected?" To those of you who have experienced the disconnect and loneliness that I just shared, you already know it's a more challenging question than it initially appears to be. So I set out to practice what I preached and find some tangible ways to connect.
Even before Facebook, our society for quite some time has tended to breed isolation, independence and individualism. In my curiosity to discover the origin of this disconnect, I came across an anthropology book that studied familial trends in the United States. The anthropologist concluded:
A pervasive theme of American child-rearing ideology is independence, which can be considered under three headings: separateness, self-sufficiency, and self-confidence. The emphasis on separateness begins at birth among middle-class Americans, with the allocation of a separate room to the neonate, requiring him to sleep in his own bed removed from others in the family.
The author goes on to say,
Parents begin to emphasize sharing only after the child has become habituated to eating, sleeping and being comforted alone, on his own terms, and with his own properties — which he has become reluctant to give up. (From Childhood Socialization: Comparative Studies of Parenting, Learning and Educational Change by Robert A. LeVine)
It's no wonder we struggle to connect! To admit we might need others is seen as weak. Pick yourself up by your boot straps, take the bull by the horns, pull yourself together — all of these clichés reinforce the belief that we need to take care of and fix ourselves.
This train of thought breaks down when the rubber hits the road, and can result not only in loneliness and frustration as we try to meet all our own needs, but also in increased illness. In the Alameda County Study, researchers followed 7,000 people over the course of nine years. The most isolated people were three times more likely to die than those with strong relational connections. Three times!
Another study was done where 276 people were infected with a virus that produces the common cold. People with strong emotional connections did four times better fighting off illness than those who were more isolated. As one of my favorite speakers, Sy Rogers, would say: "True for the body, true for the soul." How we work biologically can be a direct analogy to how we work emotionally, relationally and spiritually.
There have been many times when being in relationship with others has positively changed me. I think of my first Bible study leader. The first time we met for lunch, I told her everything about me — my struggles with same-sex attractions, self-injury, disordered eating, and so on. I fully expected her to be disgusted and run out of the restaurant. But she did exactly the opposite. She lovingly welcomed me not only to Bible study, but also into her life. Through her, I learned that I could truly love a woman, be in close friendship with her and not be tempted to be in a sexual relationship with her.
I think of my therapist of three years. She continually reminded me of who I was in Christ, and gently challenged my faulty ways of thinking. My friend Judy taught me how to really experience the depth of grace.
I need people. Think of Jesus. In a mystery we can't completely understand, He was fully God and fully man, with all the power and knowledge of God, and with all the needs and temptations that we have. Yet there were times when He specifically requested that the disciples, and in particular John, James and Peter, accompany Him somewhere, pray with Him, just be with Him. If He needed people, then I certainly need people.
So we know we need to be connected. How do we get connected?
Remember that no one is normal. Normal is a setting on the dryer. It's a hair type or a skin type at the drug store. I used to be afraid of people who appeared to be "normal"; I was sure they wouldn't be able to relate to any of my weird, "out there" problems.
Then I realized when actually getting to know some people I thought were "normal," that everyone has something they'd prefer to hide. After all, people in the Bible aren't "normal" either. I'm fairly certain that even those who managed to not slip up too bad were not viewed as "normal" in their day. Truly connecting is accepting people "as is," as they come, and asking them to do the same.
Meet people in groups
Imagining walking up to someone and asking them to hang out can be intimidating, even to this extrovert. Soon after the miscarriage, my husband and I joined a small group, with toddler in tow. It was one married couple, singles who were recent college graduates, and one older woman, and us. They were very accommodating of us and our child.
I also started having moms groups in my home. I went through my e-mail address book, and invited every woman who was a mom, no matter what her age. I also helped organize a gathering of moms from my online moms group.
Maybe your church has some small groups based on common interests. If not, you could start one. Meeting people in groups helps me to get a feel for different people. I'm drawn to people who are honest, who don't worry about what other people might think, who seem comfortable in their own skin.
In groups, we can look for people who are healthily vulnerable. Jesus was transparent, but there was a level of transparency He reserved only for certain people in His life. Not everyone needs to know all our business, but a few people need to know most of it. Find people who are not afraid to be weak, who talk about sin and struggle in an honest and redemptive way.
Make relationships top priority
As I tried to reach out after the miscarriage, I found that people, myself included, really struggle with living a life where trying to have coffee with a friend doesn't requires planning three months in advance. If I really want to connect with people, I need to make room in my life and my schedule for them.
This is an increasing challenge with every life change. In college, it's easier to connect because you live and study with the same people every day. Then you graduate and have to be more even more purposeful about finding time to connect. Then add marriage and family to the mix, and it gets even crazier.
My husband and I have had to get more creative in connecting. We try to invite people over for meals. Eating is something we have to do anyway. Don't be afraid to use your imagination when trying to make relationships top priority.
I need more than a single best friend
After the miscarriage, I realized that of the three people I considered to be my closest friends, only one lived within a reasonable distance from me. In their book Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend write,
We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.
Jesus had 12 good friends, His Apostles, but He also had three intimate friends whom He took with Him certain places, such as the transfiguration, and the raising to life of the dead girl in Mark 5. At the Garden of Gethsemane, He had the nine other disciples sit at a distance while Peter, John and James went further into the garden with Him.
Be realistic
Friendships take time, and they take work. Disagreements are an ordinary part of relating, and yet people tend to run at the first sign of conflict. I recently heard a pastor say, "If you agree with someone 100 percent of the time, one of you is unnecessary." I've found I need my friendships to be secure and valuable enough to be worth the discomfort of honesty and disagreement.
Even Jesus' intimate friends displayed human failings, such as Peter denying he even knew Jesus. Jesus was patient, and Jesus forgave. He expected His friend to be human, and humans make mistakes.
John 10:10 says "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." I have a real enemy, whose purpose is to steal, kill and destroy. It's interesting to me that part of his first assignment was to break the perfect relationship that Adam and Eve had, not only with God, but with each other.
The enemy doesn't want me to have real relationships. Within a few days of having two moms groups at my home, my son got horribly sick for two weeks, probably a bug he picked up from one of the kids who came over. The enemy tried to discourage me with thoughts like, "That's what you get for having all those germs in your home!" That's when I need to start praying. I remind myself that in this age of false connections and pseudo friendships, I've yet to meet someone who doesn't struggle with finding solid, meaningful friendships.
Relationships take risks, they take time, but I need them in order to thrive. Following Jesus' example gives me courage to persevere in pursuing the kinds of relationships that Jesus had.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Talking Singleness
(by David Barshinger - Boundless.Org)
I recently sat down with Mark and Sarah, two friends who spent a longer time being single than they had anticipated. They'll celebrate their third wedding anniversary this summer, but they remember well the season of singleness, and shared candidly about their experience.
* * *
David: Mark, tell me a little about your experience with singleness and dating?
Mark: I dated two girls seriously in college and one after I graduated, but I spent six years without a girlfriend before meeting Sarah. I was very interested in girls and being in relationships, but I didn't have a good context for what I was looking for.
Did you struggle with six years of singleness?
M: It was a real challenge to interpret and ask, "Where's my life headed?" I was just out of college, still living with parents, and focused on, "What is life going to become?" The challenge was to be patient and trust in God, to be in that time and bear up under it. And it was increasingly difficult after my failed relationships to believe I could be in a successful one.
Did being single affect your relationships with other people too?
M: It did. I wondered, "How am I supposed to have community?" I spent a lot of time alone. And the real hurdle was how to have faith in the midst of that loneliness.
I gained weight, became increasingly introverted and depressed, and grew cold toward others. I kept people at arm's length because I was feeling hurt and down. My way of coping was trying to control every relationship I had.
Looking back now, do you see any blessings in this period?
M: Though I wasn't happy with it, I was able to focus on building some skills at work and with my career that I needed to work on. It forced me to learn to live on my own because I had lived in codependent relationships.
Eventually, it forced me to admit to God and to other people, "I need some help here. I can't keep trying to do things the way I'm doing them." And it prepared me to be in a good relationship with Sarah.
How so?
M: It squeezed me to the point where I said, "If I don't talk to someone about this, I don't know what's going to happen." I went to a Christian counselor and got into a mentoring relationship with a pastor, which prepared me for relating appropriately with others and with Sarah.
Speaking of your wife ... Sarah, tell us a little about your story.
Sarah: I dated a guy on and off in high school and college for four years, and I was sure we would get married. When we weren't dating, I was miserable, trying to figure how I could get him back. When we were together, he seemed perfect, but I kept wondering, "Why isn't he perfect?" Finally I broke it off.
What did you do after that?
S: I dated here and there. And I read Mark of a Man by Elisabeth Elliot, which helped me define what I was looking for.
But when I wasn't with somebody, I was so despairing. I thought, "I am such a weird person, I'm never going to find the right person."
Early on in college, I thought, "How could God make anyone single? How could he punish them like that?" Then I graduated and wondered, "How am I going to meet people?" During this period, I vacillated: One day, I was settled — "I'm fine by myself" — and the next day, I despaired — "I'm never going to be with anybody!"
Finally, I came to grips with the possibility that I could be single for the rest of my life. I said, "God, you are enough and with you I can survive." After that point — and it took a process to get there — I felt freed from being desperate for a husband.
Now after you two eventually met, you dated for a year and a half. Then you got married, nearly three years ago. As you think back on your period as singles, did you face pressures or expectations that made it harder?
M: I remember when I was in college, people kept saying, "Don't get married, don't be in a relationship all the time." Then at a certain age they starting saying, "Why aren't you married?" I was told, "You need to be married before you're 30."
I think too that the church is culturally — though not spiritually — established around American perspectives on family and marriage, so people communicate in terms of couples and singles. But I hate the word "singles." It describes people poorly. The single person becomes just a tag at the end, which is so hurtful.
S: For me, the dynamics of hitting your fourth year at a Christian college raised the inevitable question: "So who are you going to marry after you graduate — because, of course, he's here." It was the last-minute scramble. And I saw a lot of people getting together because of that pressure who didn't seem compatible. I wondered, "How many will divorce?"
As you watched your friends getting married, how did you deal with that?
M: You have to expect that as friends get married, there will be a natural change. It's a little naive not to expect it — and after all it's a biblical principle, leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse (Gen. 2:24). They have to separate from other things.
I could have done a better job of looking for other relationships as my relationships changed. I didn't see any natural methods beside joining a softball team — which I did, but it didn't help.
I also could have tried harder to network with people and say, "Look, I'm struggling with relationships and community; can you help me figure out ways to build that stuff in my life right now?"
And I could have thought outside the box to use my time, because you have a lot of time. I could have gotten a master's degree. Taken a six-month or yearlong sabbatical from work for a missions trip. Gotten a second job to pay off bills. I wasted a lot of time waiting for life to happen for me.
S: But when you feel that way, it's so hard to get motivated.
M: Yes, but those events would have provided community without making the search for a mate the priority. I'm reminded that we need to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" (Matt. 6:34). Personally, I became introverted and self-focused.
S: It's true — when you're serving others, you're not looking at yourself.
M: Sometimes you need something out of the ordinary to help you, because you can't get out of a rut yourself. But God is at work no matter what. God used it for good — He redeemed it.
And what role did your Christian faith play in living through singleness?
S: For me, it was a comfort. I trusted that all things were perfectly timed and would be good. Still, I often didn't understand. I would wonder, "Why did I have this relationship? Should I not have had this relationship?" I had lots of why questions, and they don't all get answered when you're married.
M: Church can actually play up the despair aspect of being single. Often I despaired because of what was going on in my church and the way people related to me, not despite it. I think relationships can be exalted to some high place.
S: Yeah, it always seems like single people are the add-on. There's no category for them. Churches serve families, but if you're single, you're waiting. What about the Pauls out there who are single?
Is there a way the church can do better here?
M: The church could focus on where people can be serving, even if they're not married.
S: When I was single, it would have been beneficial for me to have mentors, not simply teaching me to be a good wife, but to be a godly woman. But the single is often being prepared for the next step rather than for living now.
M: The church can also focus more on integrating people, not basing integration on your relational status or organizing groups around demographics.
As you think back over these years, did anyone say something that just didn't help?
M: Yes: "You're going make somebody such a great husband someday." Blah!
S: Another thing I heard was, "Just wait, it will happen; you'll forget this time period ever existed." And I thought, "But that could be a big chunk of my life!"
How about any advice that really worked?
S: In high school, both my mom and dad said, "Just be friends with lots of boys and lots of people. Get to know better what you're looking for."
M: Someone encouraged me to concentrate on improving myself. Focus on the Lord and growing spiritually. Find a way to serve.
A good paradigm-shifting question is to ask, "What's the next step — beside marriage — that God has in mind for you that you can focus on?" We need to broaden our thinking to see how we can be more useful to him for his kingdom's sake. You can find wonderfully fulfilling things to do if you have that mindset.
S: And that's often how you end up meeting people too.
As we wrap things up, what suggestions can you give other single Christians who want to be married for dealing with the challenges of singleness?
S: Do things to grow your relationship with God. No matter what you're doing, you should do that. Marriage is not the end-all.
It also helps to read personality books and birth order books, so you can get to know yourself and learn how to better relate with others.
I did some traveling too, and I'm so glad I did. If I didn't do that, I would be so sad.
M: If I could go back, I would tell myself to make the most of each day. Even with praying faithless prayers, just keep praying them. Often my prayers were pretty weak, but the truth is that God sustains us.
And in the darkest moments, when you're feeling all alone, even if all you've got is just a little bit of faith, exercise it. Hold on to that mustard seed of faith.
I recently sat down with Mark and Sarah, two friends who spent a longer time being single than they had anticipated. They'll celebrate their third wedding anniversary this summer, but they remember well the season of singleness, and shared candidly about their experience.
* * *
David: Mark, tell me a little about your experience with singleness and dating?
Mark: I dated two girls seriously in college and one after I graduated, but I spent six years without a girlfriend before meeting Sarah. I was very interested in girls and being in relationships, but I didn't have a good context for what I was looking for.
Did you struggle with six years of singleness?
M: It was a real challenge to interpret and ask, "Where's my life headed?" I was just out of college, still living with parents, and focused on, "What is life going to become?" The challenge was to be patient and trust in God, to be in that time and bear up under it. And it was increasingly difficult after my failed relationships to believe I could be in a successful one.
Did being single affect your relationships with other people too?
M: It did. I wondered, "How am I supposed to have community?" I spent a lot of time alone. And the real hurdle was how to have faith in the midst of that loneliness.
I gained weight, became increasingly introverted and depressed, and grew cold toward others. I kept people at arm's length because I was feeling hurt and down. My way of coping was trying to control every relationship I had.
Looking back now, do you see any blessings in this period?
M: Though I wasn't happy with it, I was able to focus on building some skills at work and with my career that I needed to work on. It forced me to learn to live on my own because I had lived in codependent relationships.
Eventually, it forced me to admit to God and to other people, "I need some help here. I can't keep trying to do things the way I'm doing them." And it prepared me to be in a good relationship with Sarah.
How so?
M: It squeezed me to the point where I said, "If I don't talk to someone about this, I don't know what's going to happen." I went to a Christian counselor and got into a mentoring relationship with a pastor, which prepared me for relating appropriately with others and with Sarah.
Speaking of your wife ... Sarah, tell us a little about your story.
Sarah: I dated a guy on and off in high school and college for four years, and I was sure we would get married. When we weren't dating, I was miserable, trying to figure how I could get him back. When we were together, he seemed perfect, but I kept wondering, "Why isn't he perfect?" Finally I broke it off.
What did you do after that?
S: I dated here and there. And I read Mark of a Man by Elisabeth Elliot, which helped me define what I was looking for.
But when I wasn't with somebody, I was so despairing. I thought, "I am such a weird person, I'm never going to find the right person."
Early on in college, I thought, "How could God make anyone single? How could he punish them like that?" Then I graduated and wondered, "How am I going to meet people?" During this period, I vacillated: One day, I was settled — "I'm fine by myself" — and the next day, I despaired — "I'm never going to be with anybody!"
Finally, I came to grips with the possibility that I could be single for the rest of my life. I said, "God, you are enough and with you I can survive." After that point — and it took a process to get there — I felt freed from being desperate for a husband.
Now after you two eventually met, you dated for a year and a half. Then you got married, nearly three years ago. As you think back on your period as singles, did you face pressures or expectations that made it harder?
M: I remember when I was in college, people kept saying, "Don't get married, don't be in a relationship all the time." Then at a certain age they starting saying, "Why aren't you married?" I was told, "You need to be married before you're 30."
I think too that the church is culturally — though not spiritually — established around American perspectives on family and marriage, so people communicate in terms of couples and singles. But I hate the word "singles." It describes people poorly. The single person becomes just a tag at the end, which is so hurtful.
S: For me, the dynamics of hitting your fourth year at a Christian college raised the inevitable question: "So who are you going to marry after you graduate — because, of course, he's here." It was the last-minute scramble. And I saw a lot of people getting together because of that pressure who didn't seem compatible. I wondered, "How many will divorce?"
As you watched your friends getting married, how did you deal with that?
M: You have to expect that as friends get married, there will be a natural change. It's a little naive not to expect it — and after all it's a biblical principle, leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse (Gen. 2:24). They have to separate from other things.
I could have done a better job of looking for other relationships as my relationships changed. I didn't see any natural methods beside joining a softball team — which I did, but it didn't help.
I also could have tried harder to network with people and say, "Look, I'm struggling with relationships and community; can you help me figure out ways to build that stuff in my life right now?"
And I could have thought outside the box to use my time, because you have a lot of time. I could have gotten a master's degree. Taken a six-month or yearlong sabbatical from work for a missions trip. Gotten a second job to pay off bills. I wasted a lot of time waiting for life to happen for me.
S: But when you feel that way, it's so hard to get motivated.
M: Yes, but those events would have provided community without making the search for a mate the priority. I'm reminded that we need to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness" (Matt. 6:34). Personally, I became introverted and self-focused.
S: It's true — when you're serving others, you're not looking at yourself.
M: Sometimes you need something out of the ordinary to help you, because you can't get out of a rut yourself. But God is at work no matter what. God used it for good — He redeemed it.
And what role did your Christian faith play in living through singleness?
S: For me, it was a comfort. I trusted that all things were perfectly timed and would be good. Still, I often didn't understand. I would wonder, "Why did I have this relationship? Should I not have had this relationship?" I had lots of why questions, and they don't all get answered when you're married.
M: Church can actually play up the despair aspect of being single. Often I despaired because of what was going on in my church and the way people related to me, not despite it. I think relationships can be exalted to some high place.
S: Yeah, it always seems like single people are the add-on. There's no category for them. Churches serve families, but if you're single, you're waiting. What about the Pauls out there who are single?
Is there a way the church can do better here?
M: The church could focus on where people can be serving, even if they're not married.
S: When I was single, it would have been beneficial for me to have mentors, not simply teaching me to be a good wife, but to be a godly woman. But the single is often being prepared for the next step rather than for living now.
M: The church can also focus more on integrating people, not basing integration on your relational status or organizing groups around demographics.
As you think back over these years, did anyone say something that just didn't help?
M: Yes: "You're going make somebody such a great husband someday." Blah!
S: Another thing I heard was, "Just wait, it will happen; you'll forget this time period ever existed." And I thought, "But that could be a big chunk of my life!"
How about any advice that really worked?
S: In high school, both my mom and dad said, "Just be friends with lots of boys and lots of people. Get to know better what you're looking for."
M: Someone encouraged me to concentrate on improving myself. Focus on the Lord and growing spiritually. Find a way to serve.
A good paradigm-shifting question is to ask, "What's the next step — beside marriage — that God has in mind for you that you can focus on?" We need to broaden our thinking to see how we can be more useful to him for his kingdom's sake. You can find wonderfully fulfilling things to do if you have that mindset.
S: And that's often how you end up meeting people too.
As we wrap things up, what suggestions can you give other single Christians who want to be married for dealing with the challenges of singleness?
S: Do things to grow your relationship with God. No matter what you're doing, you should do that. Marriage is not the end-all.
It also helps to read personality books and birth order books, so you can get to know yourself and learn how to better relate with others.
I did some traveling too, and I'm so glad I did. If I didn't do that, I would be so sad.
M: If I could go back, I would tell myself to make the most of each day. Even with praying faithless prayers, just keep praying them. Often my prayers were pretty weak, but the truth is that God sustains us.
And in the darkest moments, when you're feeling all alone, even if all you've got is just a little bit of faith, exercise it. Hold on to that mustard seed of faith.
Dancing Past Regrets
(by Cindi McMenamin - Crosswalk.Com)
Linda stared across the table at me, her eyes filled with tears.
“If only I hadn’t married him. If only I had just waited on God a little longer. But how could I have known?”
The tears spilled out, along with her regrets from the past several years.
Linda was raising two children alone since her husband left a year earlier when he decided he no longer wanted the responsibility of taking care of a wife and children.
Linda had spent the past year recounting her “if onlys”, beating herself over the head for not having figured out when she met him that her husband was the kind of man who would eventually leave. Yet I was there at Linda’s wedding ceremony years ago and I, too, never would have seen it coming.
Shortly after my conversation with Linda, I got a call from Becky. She was lamenting over her upcoming 20-year high school reunion, and couldn’t believe she would be attending it single. “How did I miss God’s plan for me?” she asked, in frustration. “I can’t imagine He’d want me to live out my life by myself.”
I looked at my watch as the phone call came to an end. I was almost late for an appointment with Terry, who was agonizingly lonely in her 25-year marriage.
Linda. Becky. Terry. And sometimes you and me. We all forget, at times, that God knows all things – even the miserable things in our lives -- and can still bring the tangled threads of our lives together into a beautiful love story revolving around us and Himself. Yet we, as women, continue to blame ourselves and stress that we didn’t get God’s Plan A for our lives. And instead, we fear, we’re living out the dreaded Plan B.
Have you ever considered that it’s no accident that you are where you are today? Whether you’re single and still waiting to be married, married but feeling alone, widowed earlier than you thought, or divorced and regretting that you somehow missed “God’s best”, none of it takes God by surprise. Your Maker, who fashioned you in your mother’s womb, knew the circumstances that would play out in your life to cause you to feel frustrated, or alone. The Psalmist says God has written out our days in a book before we ever came to be. That means He has a plan – and purpose – in what we sometimes see as our pain or plight.
God doesn’t have a Plan A for the majority of women – to get married and live happily ever after—and then a Plan B for the rest of us, which leaves us feeling that somehow we missed Plan A. No, God looked down through the corridors of time and knew what each of us would need to become more intimately connected with Him and then He ordained our days – overseeing our circumstances, directing our paths, and providing enough of Himself to be available to us when we feel we’re at our wits’ end – so that we would live that story and find Him as our all in all.
In Psalm 139, David sang this about the God who made him and planned out his life:
“You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Then David went on to say this about the Divine Writer of our life story:
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
They are innumerable!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
You are still with me!” (verses 16-18, NLT)
The Writer of our story and the One who has ordained all our days loves us intimately. The number of precious thoughts He has toward us cannot even be measured! That means God not only has our life story planned out, but because He loves us immeasurably, that story is truly a good one…one of loving kindness and hope. So we don’t need to be doubled over in disappointment and shame, thinking our lives are past the point of ever turning out well. We don’t need to live with regrets that we made certain choices that messed up our lives. We can, instead, dance past those regrets knowing that God is still in charge and He knows the plans He has for us, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11b).
Will you go through this day differently knowing that the Writer of your story has precious thoughts of you too numerable to measure? And will you trust Him today that He has this chapter of your life already resolved and is waiting for you to see the benefits of trusting Him as you live through it?
You can rejoice today knowing that your circumstances are no accident in the eyes of an all-knowing, all-seeing God. And because your days were written out in His book before you were born, He has already planned the “happy ending” that still lies ahead of you. Don’t’ give up on God because your story in His book is only half-lived. Trust the process. Trust your Maker. And rest in the fact that the Writer knows exactly what’s ahead and can get you safely to the “happily ever after.”
Linda stared across the table at me, her eyes filled with tears.
“If only I hadn’t married him. If only I had just waited on God a little longer. But how could I have known?”
The tears spilled out, along with her regrets from the past several years.
Linda was raising two children alone since her husband left a year earlier when he decided he no longer wanted the responsibility of taking care of a wife and children.
Linda had spent the past year recounting her “if onlys”, beating herself over the head for not having figured out when she met him that her husband was the kind of man who would eventually leave. Yet I was there at Linda’s wedding ceremony years ago and I, too, never would have seen it coming.
Shortly after my conversation with Linda, I got a call from Becky. She was lamenting over her upcoming 20-year high school reunion, and couldn’t believe she would be attending it single. “How did I miss God’s plan for me?” she asked, in frustration. “I can’t imagine He’d want me to live out my life by myself.”
I looked at my watch as the phone call came to an end. I was almost late for an appointment with Terry, who was agonizingly lonely in her 25-year marriage.
Linda. Becky. Terry. And sometimes you and me. We all forget, at times, that God knows all things – even the miserable things in our lives -- and can still bring the tangled threads of our lives together into a beautiful love story revolving around us and Himself. Yet we, as women, continue to blame ourselves and stress that we didn’t get God’s Plan A for our lives. And instead, we fear, we’re living out the dreaded Plan B.
Have you ever considered that it’s no accident that you are where you are today? Whether you’re single and still waiting to be married, married but feeling alone, widowed earlier than you thought, or divorced and regretting that you somehow missed “God’s best”, none of it takes God by surprise. Your Maker, who fashioned you in your mother’s womb, knew the circumstances that would play out in your life to cause you to feel frustrated, or alone. The Psalmist says God has written out our days in a book before we ever came to be. That means He has a plan – and purpose – in what we sometimes see as our pain or plight.
God doesn’t have a Plan A for the majority of women – to get married and live happily ever after—and then a Plan B for the rest of us, which leaves us feeling that somehow we missed Plan A. No, God looked down through the corridors of time and knew what each of us would need to become more intimately connected with Him and then He ordained our days – overseeing our circumstances, directing our paths, and providing enough of Himself to be available to us when we feel we’re at our wits’ end – so that we would live that story and find Him as our all in all.
In Psalm 139, David sang this about the God who made him and planned out his life:
“You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Then David went on to say this about the Divine Writer of our life story:
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
They are innumerable!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
You are still with me!” (verses 16-18, NLT)
The Writer of our story and the One who has ordained all our days loves us intimately. The number of precious thoughts He has toward us cannot even be measured! That means God not only has our life story planned out, but because He loves us immeasurably, that story is truly a good one…one of loving kindness and hope. So we don’t need to be doubled over in disappointment and shame, thinking our lives are past the point of ever turning out well. We don’t need to live with regrets that we made certain choices that messed up our lives. We can, instead, dance past those regrets knowing that God is still in charge and He knows the plans He has for us, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11b).
Will you go through this day differently knowing that the Writer of your story has precious thoughts of you too numerable to measure? And will you trust Him today that He has this chapter of your life already resolved and is waiting for you to see the benefits of trusting Him as you live through it?
You can rejoice today knowing that your circumstances are no accident in the eyes of an all-knowing, all-seeing God. And because your days were written out in His book before you were born, He has already planned the “happy ending” that still lies ahead of you. Don’t’ give up on God because your story in His book is only half-lived. Trust the process. Trust your Maker. And rest in the fact that the Writer knows exactly what’s ahead and can get you safely to the “happily ever after.”
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Not Alone
(by Anne Sims)
Source: Relevant Magazine
I know, I know. You’re already looking for holy, sanctimonious, snobbish “it’ll be worth the wait when your prince (or princess) comes and makes it all worthwhile.” Not so, I say. And it’s not easy for me to say that at all. I’ve been married seven and a half years, was single for 27 before that, and I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to be single. Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not looking to be free of my husband … not at all. Seven and half years later, I think we’re finally getting to the good stuff. We know each other way less than we thought we did on our wedding day, and much better than we did that next morning when we woke up as Mr. and Mrs. We’ve been through some really tough stuff together: We’ve both had surgeries, mine minor, his less so. We’ve struggled to pay bills—really scary ones, like the one from the IRS. We make an odd couple—both tremendously damaged by our childhoods, and healed in some painful and wondrous way by one another. But I digress… Singleness. I never valued it when I had it. My goal was always not to be alone, and since I make friends with male people more easily than with female people, that meant I was “not alone” with male people quite a bit. Emotional intimacy was easily had, and I mistook that more than once for love, and that led to sex and the giving away of bits and pieces of myself.
And the older I get, the more I wish I hadn’t given so much of myself away. I wish I’d learned to like myself better as a single person, valued myself more, given more of my heart to God and less of my body to men who didn’t love it like I should have. The older I get, the more I realize how deep God’s love is, and how like a father I have broken God’s heart in the past—not irrevocably and not with rejection, but with sadness for how little I thought of myself, how much of myself I gave that I can’t get back, how little I trusted myself when I was so determined not to be single.
By the time Ben and I married, I had grown up a little. I’d sort of given up on not being single, and was working on learning to love my single self. We actually had a very deep conversation about how we were not dating at this point in our lives, over a dinner that started as a convenient grab-a-bite-after-class and was, by the end of the evening, looking more and more like a date. I liked myself, and so I didn’t just jump at the chance to date someone, to be “not alone.” I found that because I valued myself and had a sense of who God was calling me to be, I felt freer to hold back, to be “wooed,” to wait for a sense that this time it would be the time to give my heart definitively and not try to buy love with the rest of me.
What I think about singleness is this: It’s a time to come to know who you are, to be at peace with yourself and with God. It’s hard to feel all that comfortable when you know you’ve left bits and pieces of your self and your soul behind, and failed to value them the way God does. But they can grow back.
Singleness for me was mostly years of failing to understand that true love doesn’t ask for my soul, but receives it, shares it and grows it. It was years of failing to realize that I had “true love” in my platonic friendships and in my relationship with Christ and in my family, and that it was time to stop looking elsewhere for love. And singleness was the incubator in which I grew up, from a childish seeking for comfort anywhere I could get it, to finally feeling that in Ben I’d found a love and acceptance only God had felt for me before. It was years of learning to face myself in a mirror and see contentment reflected back.
So yeah, I’ve been thinking about singleness. Part of me misses it, but only to the extent that I failed to value it when it was mine. There’s freedom there, to travel and to think out loud, to take the crazy job or paint my toenails purple (he hates it when I do that). You can eat what you want and watch the ball game without worrying about what anyone else wants to do. Singleness was right for me for a time. It’s been right for my best friend all along—she’s my age, and, I think, secure enough in God and in herself to enjoy it while it lasts, while staying open to the possibilities of being not-single. It’s right for another friend, who find it to be her calling in life, to be satisfied with who she is and comfortable in her own skin.
Singleness is about adventure, self-esteem and growing up. And it’s about you owning your soul, until it’s time to give it away to the one who gives it back to you, with theirs. Here’s my word of wisdom from the other side of singleness: It’s who you are when you’re single that sets the course for who you’ll be all your life. Be whole, and yes, holy—don’t give yourself away. You’ll miss the pieces you let go.
Source: Relevant Magazine
I know, I know. You’re already looking for holy, sanctimonious, snobbish “it’ll be worth the wait when your prince (or princess) comes and makes it all worthwhile.” Not so, I say. And it’s not easy for me to say that at all. I’ve been married seven and a half years, was single for 27 before that, and I’ve been thinking lately about what it means to be single. Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not looking to be free of my husband … not at all. Seven and half years later, I think we’re finally getting to the good stuff. We know each other way less than we thought we did on our wedding day, and much better than we did that next morning when we woke up as Mr. and Mrs. We’ve been through some really tough stuff together: We’ve both had surgeries, mine minor, his less so. We’ve struggled to pay bills—really scary ones, like the one from the IRS. We make an odd couple—both tremendously damaged by our childhoods, and healed in some painful and wondrous way by one another. But I digress… Singleness. I never valued it when I had it. My goal was always not to be alone, and since I make friends with male people more easily than with female people, that meant I was “not alone” with male people quite a bit. Emotional intimacy was easily had, and I mistook that more than once for love, and that led to sex and the giving away of bits and pieces of myself.
And the older I get, the more I wish I hadn’t given so much of myself away. I wish I’d learned to like myself better as a single person, valued myself more, given more of my heart to God and less of my body to men who didn’t love it like I should have. The older I get, the more I realize how deep God’s love is, and how like a father I have broken God’s heart in the past—not irrevocably and not with rejection, but with sadness for how little I thought of myself, how much of myself I gave that I can’t get back, how little I trusted myself when I was so determined not to be single.
By the time Ben and I married, I had grown up a little. I’d sort of given up on not being single, and was working on learning to love my single self. We actually had a very deep conversation about how we were not dating at this point in our lives, over a dinner that started as a convenient grab-a-bite-after-class and was, by the end of the evening, looking more and more like a date. I liked myself, and so I didn’t just jump at the chance to date someone, to be “not alone.” I found that because I valued myself and had a sense of who God was calling me to be, I felt freer to hold back, to be “wooed,” to wait for a sense that this time it would be the time to give my heart definitively and not try to buy love with the rest of me.
What I think about singleness is this: It’s a time to come to know who you are, to be at peace with yourself and with God. It’s hard to feel all that comfortable when you know you’ve left bits and pieces of your self and your soul behind, and failed to value them the way God does. But they can grow back.
Singleness for me was mostly years of failing to understand that true love doesn’t ask for my soul, but receives it, shares it and grows it. It was years of failing to realize that I had “true love” in my platonic friendships and in my relationship with Christ and in my family, and that it was time to stop looking elsewhere for love. And singleness was the incubator in which I grew up, from a childish seeking for comfort anywhere I could get it, to finally feeling that in Ben I’d found a love and acceptance only God had felt for me before. It was years of learning to face myself in a mirror and see contentment reflected back.
So yeah, I’ve been thinking about singleness. Part of me misses it, but only to the extent that I failed to value it when it was mine. There’s freedom there, to travel and to think out loud, to take the crazy job or paint my toenails purple (he hates it when I do that). You can eat what you want and watch the ball game without worrying about what anyone else wants to do. Singleness was right for me for a time. It’s been right for my best friend all along—she’s my age, and, I think, secure enough in God and in herself to enjoy it while it lasts, while staying open to the possibilities of being not-single. It’s right for another friend, who find it to be her calling in life, to be satisfied with who she is and comfortable in her own skin.
Singleness is about adventure, self-esteem and growing up. And it’s about you owning your soul, until it’s time to give it away to the one who gives it back to you, with theirs. Here’s my word of wisdom from the other side of singleness: It’s who you are when you’re single that sets the course for who you’ll be all your life. Be whole, and yes, holy—don’t give yourself away. You’ll miss the pieces you let go.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Don't Compare Your Life Away
(By Cliff Young)
Source: Crosswalk
I am a highly experienced comparative individual. I have the tendency to compare anything to everything, and with the advancement of technology, I have developed this “skill” and applied it to many areas of my life.
However, this ability is not something that is always favorable in the Lord’s eyes or positive for me as a person.
“Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive (1 Corinthians 10:23).
Comparison shopping is useful. Tracking and comparing your personal skills and abilities to the past in order to reach higher goals is worthy. However, comparing yourself to others or what others have in a material sense is neither beneficial nor constructive.
I don’t believe I am the only one who possesses this propensity to compare.
* We compare our lives to the lives of those who are also single (or married).
* We compare where we live to where our friends live.
* We compare what we drive to what the person beside us is driving.
* We compare what we wear to what celebrities wear.
We compare how much (or how little) money we have to how much others have.
Why do we (or at least I) do these things?
When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12).
Comparison living isn’t a new way of life. In fact, we can find examples all the way back to the beginning of time.
Adam and Eve compared what they had to what they could have by eating the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:1-7).
A rich man asked Jesus how to receive eternal life and compared what he had, had to do and had to give up to be perfect and have treasure in heaven (Matthew 19:16-21).
The disciples compared themselves to each other when they asked Jesus, “Which of us is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” (Matthew 18:1).
We almost innately compare ourselves to one another. We desire what we do not have (and lack appreciation for things we have been blessed with), we judge others for what they possess, and, as a result, we don’t seek to understand God’s specific will for our own lives.
Lack of Contentment
Brewing a lack of contentment is the strategy of every major marketing department. Their goal is to convince us what we currently have is no longer acceptable (or up to date), and what they are trying to sell us is what we need. With the amount of money the average American is in debt and the discontent we seem to have in relationships, in our jobs, and in life itself, they appear to be succeeding.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:12-13).
Paul shares from a jail cell that true contentment is not dependent upon what we have or don’t have; it comes from our relationship to Jesus. If we compare what we seem to be missing to others who seem to have what we want, we will never be content. As a result, we may never realize the plans the Lord has for us individually nor appreciate the blessings that we have been given thus far.
Judging Others
A consequence of consistently comparing ourselves to those around us is the unfounded judgment of others. We see a material possession, a physical ability or a relationship that we yearn for and we draw conclusions about the person and how they were able to acquire it. We question, “Why them and not me?” We ask, “What did they do to deserve it?” We wonder, “How can we have what they have?”
Earth has nothing I desire besides you (Psalm 73:25).
King David had everything in the world a person could desire; he had power, fame, homes (palaces), influence, relationships and money. Through it all, he discovered nothing on the earth was more important or more desirable than following God. David was a man after God’s own heart, and tells us to focus our thoughts upon matters of the Lord rather than on things of the earth.
If we live our life centered on God and our relationship with Him, we will not be as quick to compare ourselves to those around us and be less likely to judge others for what they have.
Seek to Understand
Being the first child born to Adam and Eve, Cain did not have anything to compare himself to. However, when his younger brother Abel was born, sibling rivalries were created.
(At harvest time) Cain brought to the Lord a gift of his farm produce, while Abel brought several choice lambs from the best of his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his offering, but he did not accept Cain and his offering. This made Cain very angry and dejected.
“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked him. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you respond in the right way. But if you refuse to respond correctly, then watch out! Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you, and you must subdue it” (Genesis 4:4-7).
Was Abel favored over Cain? Why didn’t the Lord accept Cain’s offering? What right response was the Lord looking for?
It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. God accepted Abel’s offering to show that he was a righteous man (Hebrews 11:4).
Cain’s rejected offering was in response to his lack of faith and unrighteousness. God gave Cain an opportunity to remedy the situation; however, instead of listening to God and looking within his own heart to seek understanding of the situation, he took his anger out on his brother and killed Abel. Cain blamed Abel as the cause of the Lord’s displeasure, not himself.
God’s lesson to us is not about the material possessions we have or even in the material possessions we offer up to Him. He doesn’t care about the things of the earth or how we compare to one another. What God cares about is our own faithfulness and our own righteousness, irrespective of one another.
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else (Galatians 6:4).
Our goal is to stay within the boundaries of God’s plan for us (2 Corinthians 10:13).
It is easy to look at someone else and want what they have, pass judgment, or blame them for our disappointment. However, God wants each of us to take responsibility for ourselves. He gives each of us the opportunity to respond in the right way. Let us not compare our lives to others, rather let us live it according to how God guides and directs each of us individually.
Paul gives us some final counsel:
Everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9).
Source: Crosswalk
I am a highly experienced comparative individual. I have the tendency to compare anything to everything, and with the advancement of technology, I have developed this “skill” and applied it to many areas of my life.
However, this ability is not something that is always favorable in the Lord’s eyes or positive for me as a person.
“Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive (1 Corinthians 10:23).
Comparison shopping is useful. Tracking and comparing your personal skills and abilities to the past in order to reach higher goals is worthy. However, comparing yourself to others or what others have in a material sense is neither beneficial nor constructive.
I don’t believe I am the only one who possesses this propensity to compare.
* We compare our lives to the lives of those who are also single (or married).
* We compare where we live to where our friends live.
* We compare what we drive to what the person beside us is driving.
* We compare what we wear to what celebrities wear.
We compare how much (or how little) money we have to how much others have.
Why do we (or at least I) do these things?
When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise (2 Corinthians 10:12).
Comparison living isn’t a new way of life. In fact, we can find examples all the way back to the beginning of time.
Adam and Eve compared what they had to what they could have by eating the forbidden fruit (Genesis 3:1-7).
A rich man asked Jesus how to receive eternal life and compared what he had, had to do and had to give up to be perfect and have treasure in heaven (Matthew 19:16-21).
The disciples compared themselves to each other when they asked Jesus, “Which of us is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” (Matthew 18:1).
We almost innately compare ourselves to one another. We desire what we do not have (and lack appreciation for things we have been blessed with), we judge others for what they possess, and, as a result, we don’t seek to understand God’s specific will for our own lives.
Lack of Contentment
Brewing a lack of contentment is the strategy of every major marketing department. Their goal is to convince us what we currently have is no longer acceptable (or up to date), and what they are trying to sell us is what we need. With the amount of money the average American is in debt and the discontent we seem to have in relationships, in our jobs, and in life itself, they appear to be succeeding.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:12-13).
Paul shares from a jail cell that true contentment is not dependent upon what we have or don’t have; it comes from our relationship to Jesus. If we compare what we seem to be missing to others who seem to have what we want, we will never be content. As a result, we may never realize the plans the Lord has for us individually nor appreciate the blessings that we have been given thus far.
Judging Others
A consequence of consistently comparing ourselves to those around us is the unfounded judgment of others. We see a material possession, a physical ability or a relationship that we yearn for and we draw conclusions about the person and how they were able to acquire it. We question, “Why them and not me?” We ask, “What did they do to deserve it?” We wonder, “How can we have what they have?”
Earth has nothing I desire besides you (Psalm 73:25).
King David had everything in the world a person could desire; he had power, fame, homes (palaces), influence, relationships and money. Through it all, he discovered nothing on the earth was more important or more desirable than following God. David was a man after God’s own heart, and tells us to focus our thoughts upon matters of the Lord rather than on things of the earth.
If we live our life centered on God and our relationship with Him, we will not be as quick to compare ourselves to those around us and be less likely to judge others for what they have.
Seek to Understand
Being the first child born to Adam and Eve, Cain did not have anything to compare himself to. However, when his younger brother Abel was born, sibling rivalries were created.
(At harvest time) Cain brought to the Lord a gift of his farm produce, while Abel brought several choice lambs from the best of his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his offering, but he did not accept Cain and his offering. This made Cain very angry and dejected.
“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked him. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you respond in the right way. But if you refuse to respond correctly, then watch out! Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you, and you must subdue it” (Genesis 4:4-7).
Was Abel favored over Cain? Why didn’t the Lord accept Cain’s offering? What right response was the Lord looking for?
It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. God accepted Abel’s offering to show that he was a righteous man (Hebrews 11:4).
Cain’s rejected offering was in response to his lack of faith and unrighteousness. God gave Cain an opportunity to remedy the situation; however, instead of listening to God and looking within his own heart to seek understanding of the situation, he took his anger out on his brother and killed Abel. Cain blamed Abel as the cause of the Lord’s displeasure, not himself.
God’s lesson to us is not about the material possessions we have or even in the material possessions we offer up to Him. He doesn’t care about the things of the earth or how we compare to one another. What God cares about is our own faithfulness and our own righteousness, irrespective of one another.
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else (Galatians 6:4).
Our goal is to stay within the boundaries of God’s plan for us (2 Corinthians 10:13).
It is easy to look at someone else and want what they have, pass judgment, or blame them for our disappointment. However, God wants each of us to take responsibility for ourselves. He gives each of us the opportunity to respond in the right way. Let us not compare our lives to others, rather let us live it according to how God guides and directs each of us individually.
Paul gives us some final counsel:
Everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9).
Monday, February 2, 2009
Why Will 2009 Be Any Different?
(by Kathleen Hardaway)
Source: Crosswalk
Have you made New Year’s resolutions in the past and they didn’t last? Are you looking for something that will work, something that will help you move forward with accomplishing your goals?
What changes would you like to see happen in this New Year? During the past presidential election the most popular word used among the candidates was CHANGE. People desire change in our country and also in their own personal lives. Ask anyone, “Is there something in your life that you would like to change?” Most will easily begin giving you a list of things they would like to see changed.
How about you? What changes would you like to see happen? Have you given up on certain areas in your life? I want to encourage you: DON’T GIVE UP!
Have you ever wondered why change is so hard? I have. I think about it a lot. Certainly there are countless reasons why so many people fail at bringing about change. We’re now seeing Oprah continue in her battle with keeping her weight off. She appears to still be looking for the answers in this area in her life.
There are countless books on weight loss, exercise, financial bondage, relationships, and reaching your dreams. These subjects seem to always find themselves on the best sellers’ list. We purchase these books because these things dramatically affect our lives.
I personally own books on all of these subjects and have found them helpful. But I have also found that all the knowledge in the world on a subject will not make you change. Why? Satan has one goal for your life:
"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy…” (John 10:10).
Satan desires to destroy your life in any way that he can. And one of his biggest ways is to keep you discouraged. He would like for you to continue to believe thoughts like: “I will never change, I’ve always been this way, this is as good as it gets; I’ll always be single, there’s no hope for my marriage, my children.” On and on the lies flood your mind. Lies, all lies. Change these lies to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Cling to this verse when the fiery darts come. Stand on the fact that change is possible.
Change happens every day, with singles who find their mates, with broken marriages, with messed up teens, adolescents, and even with seniors. I have a good friend whose parents were dramatically changed and found the Lord very late in life. Change is possible for everyone, at any time.
The key to change is to recognize when Satan begins to speak his lies to you. Do you ever hear yourself say, “I’m stuck. I’ve never be able to do this before; it’s just to hard”? Do you feel stuck, as if change will never happen? Maybe you’ve never been able to make this change before. Remember, it’s never too late. We know “with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27). Making change can be hard, but not impossible. You must believe this.
Look back over the past year at the changes you made. What are some of the good things that happened in 2008? Thank God for all that He has blessed you with this past year. I had some disappointments, but I also had some unexpected blessings. How about you?
What will make 2009 any different? Write a plan for the year. If you don’t set a target, most likely you won’t hit one.
* Begin in prayer. Set aside time to seek the Lord about what He would have you do over the next year. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Be sure and ask Him.
* Make a list of three short-term goals that you want to accomplish in the next three months.
* Make a list of three things you want to accomplish in the next six months.
* Write down your Dream Goal for 2009. (Write one Dream Goal and the plans for accomplishing it.)
* Put these lists on your refrigerator, on your bathroom mirror, and on the calendar you use. If you place these goals in all three places, they will be constant reminders of the goals you desire to reach this year.
* Start a support prayer group for the year. Meet at least once a month. Encourage one another and pray for each other.
* Select the person who will be your accountability partner through this year. Give them your list of goals. Weekly go over the goals and share your progress for your first your three-month goals, then your six-month list, and your Dream Goal.
* Celebrate each goal accomplished.
* Remember that each goal is important to God. It’s important to Him how we spend our time.
“Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (Ephesians 5:15-16).
When you sit down to watch TV, ask yourself, “Is this really the best use of my time?” Certainly there is a time to relax and possibly watch some television. But watch out, as it can be one of the biggest time wasters. Start being more conscious of how you’re spending your time.
My friend, may the Lord bless you mightily this next year. Remember, He rejoices as you’re walking in righteousness and as you’re accomplishing goals that impact His Kingdom.
“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I d forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).
Source: Crosswalk
Have you made New Year’s resolutions in the past and they didn’t last? Are you looking for something that will work, something that will help you move forward with accomplishing your goals?
What changes would you like to see happen in this New Year? During the past presidential election the most popular word used among the candidates was CHANGE. People desire change in our country and also in their own personal lives. Ask anyone, “Is there something in your life that you would like to change?” Most will easily begin giving you a list of things they would like to see changed.
How about you? What changes would you like to see happen? Have you given up on certain areas in your life? I want to encourage you: DON’T GIVE UP!
Have you ever wondered why change is so hard? I have. I think about it a lot. Certainly there are countless reasons why so many people fail at bringing about change. We’re now seeing Oprah continue in her battle with keeping her weight off. She appears to still be looking for the answers in this area in her life.
There are countless books on weight loss, exercise, financial bondage, relationships, and reaching your dreams. These subjects seem to always find themselves on the best sellers’ list. We purchase these books because these things dramatically affect our lives.
I personally own books on all of these subjects and have found them helpful. But I have also found that all the knowledge in the world on a subject will not make you change. Why? Satan has one goal for your life:
"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy…” (John 10:10).
Satan desires to destroy your life in any way that he can. And one of his biggest ways is to keep you discouraged. He would like for you to continue to believe thoughts like: “I will never change, I’ve always been this way, this is as good as it gets; I’ll always be single, there’s no hope for my marriage, my children.” On and on the lies flood your mind. Lies, all lies. Change these lies to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Cling to this verse when the fiery darts come. Stand on the fact that change is possible.
Change happens every day, with singles who find their mates, with broken marriages, with messed up teens, adolescents, and even with seniors. I have a good friend whose parents were dramatically changed and found the Lord very late in life. Change is possible for everyone, at any time.
The key to change is to recognize when Satan begins to speak his lies to you. Do you ever hear yourself say, “I’m stuck. I’ve never be able to do this before; it’s just to hard”? Do you feel stuck, as if change will never happen? Maybe you’ve never been able to make this change before. Remember, it’s never too late. We know “with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27). Making change can be hard, but not impossible. You must believe this.
Look back over the past year at the changes you made. What are some of the good things that happened in 2008? Thank God for all that He has blessed you with this past year. I had some disappointments, but I also had some unexpected blessings. How about you?
What will make 2009 any different? Write a plan for the year. If you don’t set a target, most likely you won’t hit one.
* Begin in prayer. Set aside time to seek the Lord about what He would have you do over the next year. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Be sure and ask Him.
* Make a list of three short-term goals that you want to accomplish in the next three months.
* Make a list of three things you want to accomplish in the next six months.
* Write down your Dream Goal for 2009. (Write one Dream Goal and the plans for accomplishing it.)
* Put these lists on your refrigerator, on your bathroom mirror, and on the calendar you use. If you place these goals in all three places, they will be constant reminders of the goals you desire to reach this year.
* Start a support prayer group for the year. Meet at least once a month. Encourage one another and pray for each other.
* Select the person who will be your accountability partner through this year. Give them your list of goals. Weekly go over the goals and share your progress for your first your three-month goals, then your six-month list, and your Dream Goal.
* Celebrate each goal accomplished.
* Remember that each goal is important to God. It’s important to Him how we spend our time.
“Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is” (Ephesians 5:15-16).
When you sit down to watch TV, ask yourself, “Is this really the best use of my time?” Certainly there is a time to relax and possibly watch some television. But watch out, as it can be one of the biggest time wasters. Start being more conscious of how you’re spending your time.
My friend, may the Lord bless you mightily this next year. Remember, He rejoices as you’re walking in righteousness and as you’re accomplishing goals that impact His Kingdom.
“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I d forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
When Our Plans Aren't God's Plans
(by Cliff Young)
Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got where you are? Do you ever compare your life to your friends’ or neighbors’ lives? Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever reach those goals that you set for yourself or realize the dreams that you have?
Me too.
I’m a planner by nature … and by habit … and by profession. I like to know where I am, where I’m going and what’s going to happen. You can call it being in control or you can call it being a control freak. I’m not one who rebels against changes, but they should all be within the boundaries of MY plan.
Do you know anyone like that? Are you like that? Fortunately for me (and those around me) I’m learning to not be “that” extreme anymore. I used to think that I could plan out my whole life and live it accordingly. Oftentimes, my plans unraveled and I would find myself wondering …
Why did my plans go wrong?
Did I make a wrong turn somewhere that led me down this road?
Are my dreams not going to be realized?
Why me?!
According to Proverbs 16:9 (often quoted by “non-planners”), “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”
I not only “planned” my course in my heart, but also in my mind, body, spirit, on paper and on my calendar! By the time that I graduated from college, I had my whole life laid out before my eyes. One thing that I didn’t “plan” on being at this point in my schedule was SINGLE!
For many of us, our “plans” haven’t worked out exactly according to our calendars and PDAs. For many of us, it’s a constant adjustment to what we had “thought” or “planned.” For many of us, something happened that was totally out of our control.
So, how have you reacted?
Complain? Question? Curse?
Job didn’t “plan” on losing his family, his wealth, and his livelihood. He didn’t plan on being raided, having fireballs fall from the sky killing his livestock, having a tornado hit his family’s house killing his sons and daughters, and being inflicted with boils. He reacted to his situation as many of us probably would have (or do each day when the “unexpected” happens).
“I am disgusted with my life. Let me complain freely. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul” (Job 10:1).
“Why do you reject me, the work of your own hands, while sending joy and prosperity to the wicked? (Job 10:3).
“Cursed be the day of my birth, and cursed be the night when I was conceived” (Job 3:3).
Job’s wife, who was in the midst of the same suffering, said, “Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die” (Job 2:9).
If there was anyone who felt as if he had control over his plans and future, it would have been Job. Here was a man who, according to most standards, was a success. He had a large family, wealth beyond what any of us could imagine, and his health. Beyond that the Lord said, “He is the finest man in all the earth—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and will have nothing to do with evil” (Job 1:8). In other words, he “had it all.”
“But they do not know the Lord’s thoughts or understand his plan” (Micah 4:12).
At one time or another in everyone’s life, we all face disappointment and plans that don’t meet our expectations. If you ever think that you’re the only person on earth that has had their plans and dreams shattered, it only takes one episode of auditions from American Idol to confirm that “you are not alone.”
Emil Zatopek, Four-time Olympic gold medalist, may have prophesied about future American Idol contestants or many of us when he said:
“You can’t climb up to the second floor without a ladder. When you set your aim too high and don’t fulfill it, then your enthusiasm turns to bitterness.”
Lofty goals and aiming high isn’t wrong, in fact a lot of people probably don’t shoot high enough. The question, “How do you deal with disappointment and unfulfilled expectations?” arises when our standards aren’t met and the plans we make don’t work out.
I wonder …
How many of us have had our enthusiasm for something (or somebody) turn into resentment and bitterness?
How many of us still carry baggage from our childhood, from a former job, or from a past relationship?
How many of us are allowing disappointments from yesterday to impact our lives negatively today?
Outcome
Job wasn’t immune to speaking his peace. After many days of questions and complaints from Job, God answered him.
“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Do you know how its dimensions were determined and who did the surveying? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who defined the boundaries of the sea as if burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and thick darkness? …” (Job 37-41).
Job replied to the Lord, “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You ask, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me?” (Job 42:1-3).
Are you discouraged, discontent, bitter? The disgruntlement and baggage from expectations not met can take away from the joy and the future that the Lord has, wants, and “plans” for each one of us. That joy often comes in ways we could never imagine or envision for ourselves.
Could the elder Abraham and Sarah have planned on conceiving a baby in their later years? (Genesis 21)
Could the barren Hannah have planned on her womb being opened so she could conceive a baby? (1 Samuel 1)
Could the widowed and childless Ruth have planned on remarrying a wealthy landowner and bearing a son? (Ruth 4)
How?
Despite Job’s outbursts of frustration and exasperation, he never lost faith and he never denounced God.
“At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One” (Job 6:10).
Abraham, Hannah, and Ruth never lost their faith either. They continued to pray and rely upon the Lord during their grief.
“Then Abraham prayed to God …” (Genesis 20:17).
“….For I (Hannah) have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow” (1 Samuel 1:16).
(Boaz to Ruth) “May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully” (Ruth 2:12).
The interesting thing about Job’s case is that he never gets “answers” to his questions, but he does get a renewed vision of God, and died “an old man who had lived a long, good life” (Job 42:17).
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Many times you hear that passage quoted alone, but we really need to read on to receive the full instructions of that passage.
“’In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord” (Jeremiah 29:12-14).
The Lord does not hide from us in times of need. Oftentimes, we may be so wrapped up in ourselves and the situation that we don’t even see the Lord in the midst of it.
The next time you find yourself feeling alone or on a path that you didn’t plan on, seek the Lord, take refuge in Him, and spend time in prayer. Ask Him to help you conform your “plans” to His plans for your life.
Source: Crosswalk
Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got where you are? Do you ever compare your life to your friends’ or neighbors’ lives? Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever reach those goals that you set for yourself or realize the dreams that you have?
Me too.
I’m a planner by nature … and by habit … and by profession. I like to know where I am, where I’m going and what’s going to happen. You can call it being in control or you can call it being a control freak. I’m not one who rebels against changes, but they should all be within the boundaries of MY plan.
Do you know anyone like that? Are you like that? Fortunately for me (and those around me) I’m learning to not be “that” extreme anymore. I used to think that I could plan out my whole life and live it accordingly. Oftentimes, my plans unraveled and I would find myself wondering …
Why did my plans go wrong?
Did I make a wrong turn somewhere that led me down this road?
Are my dreams not going to be realized?
Why me?!
According to Proverbs 16:9 (often quoted by “non-planners”), “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”
I not only “planned” my course in my heart, but also in my mind, body, spirit, on paper and on my calendar! By the time that I graduated from college, I had my whole life laid out before my eyes. One thing that I didn’t “plan” on being at this point in my schedule was SINGLE!
For many of us, our “plans” haven’t worked out exactly according to our calendars and PDAs. For many of us, it’s a constant adjustment to what we had “thought” or “planned.” For many of us, something happened that was totally out of our control.
So, how have you reacted?
Complain? Question? Curse?
Job didn’t “plan” on losing his family, his wealth, and his livelihood. He didn’t plan on being raided, having fireballs fall from the sky killing his livestock, having a tornado hit his family’s house killing his sons and daughters, and being inflicted with boils. He reacted to his situation as many of us probably would have (or do each day when the “unexpected” happens).
“I am disgusted with my life. Let me complain freely. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul” (Job 10:1).
“Why do you reject me, the work of your own hands, while sending joy and prosperity to the wicked? (Job 10:3).
“Cursed be the day of my birth, and cursed be the night when I was conceived” (Job 3:3).
Job’s wife, who was in the midst of the same suffering, said, “Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die” (Job 2:9).
If there was anyone who felt as if he had control over his plans and future, it would have been Job. Here was a man who, according to most standards, was a success. He had a large family, wealth beyond what any of us could imagine, and his health. Beyond that the Lord said, “He is the finest man in all the earth—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and will have nothing to do with evil” (Job 1:8). In other words, he “had it all.”
“But they do not know the Lord’s thoughts or understand his plan” (Micah 4:12).
At one time or another in everyone’s life, we all face disappointment and plans that don’t meet our expectations. If you ever think that you’re the only person on earth that has had their plans and dreams shattered, it only takes one episode of auditions from American Idol to confirm that “you are not alone.”
Emil Zatopek, Four-time Olympic gold medalist, may have prophesied about future American Idol contestants or many of us when he said:
“You can’t climb up to the second floor without a ladder. When you set your aim too high and don’t fulfill it, then your enthusiasm turns to bitterness.”
Lofty goals and aiming high isn’t wrong, in fact a lot of people probably don’t shoot high enough. The question, “How do you deal with disappointment and unfulfilled expectations?” arises when our standards aren’t met and the plans we make don’t work out.
I wonder …
How many of us have had our enthusiasm for something (or somebody) turn into resentment and bitterness?
How many of us still carry baggage from our childhood, from a former job, or from a past relationship?
How many of us are allowing disappointments from yesterday to impact our lives negatively today?
Outcome
Job wasn’t immune to speaking his peace. After many days of questions and complaints from Job, God answered him.
“Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Do you know how its dimensions were determined and who did the surveying? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who defined the boundaries of the sea as if burst from the womb, and as I clothed it with clouds and thick darkness? …” (Job 37-41).
Job replied to the Lord, “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You ask, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me?” (Job 42:1-3).
Are you discouraged, discontent, bitter? The disgruntlement and baggage from expectations not met can take away from the joy and the future that the Lord has, wants, and “plans” for each one of us. That joy often comes in ways we could never imagine or envision for ourselves.
Could the elder Abraham and Sarah have planned on conceiving a baby in their later years? (Genesis 21)
Could the barren Hannah have planned on her womb being opened so she could conceive a baby? (1 Samuel 1)
Could the widowed and childless Ruth have planned on remarrying a wealthy landowner and bearing a son? (Ruth 4)
How?
Despite Job’s outbursts of frustration and exasperation, he never lost faith and he never denounced God.
“At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One” (Job 6:10).
Abraham, Hannah, and Ruth never lost their faith either. They continued to pray and rely upon the Lord during their grief.
“Then Abraham prayed to God …” (Genesis 20:17).
“….For I (Hannah) have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow” (1 Samuel 1:16).
(Boaz to Ruth) “May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully” (Ruth 2:12).
The interesting thing about Job’s case is that he never gets “answers” to his questions, but he does get a renewed vision of God, and died “an old man who had lived a long, good life” (Job 42:17).
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Many times you hear that passage quoted alone, but we really need to read on to receive the full instructions of that passage.
“’In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord” (Jeremiah 29:12-14).
The Lord does not hide from us in times of need. Oftentimes, we may be so wrapped up in ourselves and the situation that we don’t even see the Lord in the midst of it.
The next time you find yourself feeling alone or on a path that you didn’t plan on, seek the Lord, take refuge in Him, and spend time in prayer. Ask Him to help you conform your “plans” to His plans for your life.
Source: Crosswalk
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My Best Friend's Marriage
(by Lee Wilson)
Source: crosswalk
If a close friend of yours has gotten married, you probably already know that this causes certain changes to take place in your relationship.
Perhaps you used to pop over whenever you wanted but now you have to call to get on the schedule. It seems activities together now must include your friend's husband or he's notified of plans. In many ways, it seems an intruder has entered your friendship. It's as though you have given up your right to an exclusive friendship with your long-time friend because now you must also befriend his/her spouse. Sometimes it seems you can't have one person without the other.
This is a common description of what happens when friends get married. Some of it is good and some is not. It is good that marriage brings two people together as one, but that does not mean that newlyweds alienate their friends. It also does not mean his wife must be with him at all the football games with the guys. As with most things in life, a balance does exist.
Here are my suggestions and insights for relationships with friends who have gotten married.
During the early days, give your friend time alone with his/her spouse. It might be difficult, but it will be best for them because they need time to develop the oneness spoken of in the Bible. (“And the two shall become one flesh …” Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:8). They need a period of isolation for them to develop an identity as a couple. They will appreciate your respect for their privacy.
When the time is right, invite your friend and his wife (or her husband) to a movie, dinner or other activity. You will know the time is probably right not just when the two of them return from their honeymoon, but when they are once again participating in normal activities like going to work and church.
It is very important you involve the spouse because most newlyweds go through a period when one or both are insecure in their relationship. This is somewhat normal in the early stages of a marriage because of the seriousness of the commitment and the realization of the vows they have made to each other. The results are often feelings of vulnerability and jealousy.
When you involve the spouse, you are telling him/her that you are not a threat, but a friend. Likely, when the couple feels more secure, you will once again have some time alone with your friend without objection or insecurity from the spouse. It is, however, very important not to rush this.
Understand that you have not lost your friend, but that the conditions of your friendship have changed. The relationship between a husband and wife should be the most intimate and important relationship experienced by human beings. It takes precedence over friendships and even other family members. That is how God instituted marriage and all should respect that fact.
Though second place may not sound fair or encouraging, understand that your friend has not replaced you. Depending on the intensity of your friendship, your friend will likely never replace you, though her commitments and responsibilities have changed.
Preserving Your Friendship
Perhaps the best way to keep a friendship strong after one of you marries is to be the best friend you can be at that stage in life.
As time goes on, your friend could have children. If you are there to baby-sit or be a good role model for her children, you will be an important part of her life forever. Her commitment is now to her new family; therefore, showing respect and consideration to them is your duty as a friend in this new chapter of life.
If God blesses you with a spouse, your friendship will take on even new roles and dimensions as you extend the friendship between the two of you into your growing families.
If you remain a loyal and considerate friend, your friendship will likely continue and, perhaps, become even stronger as long as you value and are respectful of your friend’s marriage.
Source: crosswalk
If a close friend of yours has gotten married, you probably already know that this causes certain changes to take place in your relationship.
Perhaps you used to pop over whenever you wanted but now you have to call to get on the schedule. It seems activities together now must include your friend's husband or he's notified of plans. In many ways, it seems an intruder has entered your friendship. It's as though you have given up your right to an exclusive friendship with your long-time friend because now you must also befriend his/her spouse. Sometimes it seems you can't have one person without the other.
This is a common description of what happens when friends get married. Some of it is good and some is not. It is good that marriage brings two people together as one, but that does not mean that newlyweds alienate their friends. It also does not mean his wife must be with him at all the football games with the guys. As with most things in life, a balance does exist.
Here are my suggestions and insights for relationships with friends who have gotten married.
During the early days, give your friend time alone with his/her spouse. It might be difficult, but it will be best for them because they need time to develop the oneness spoken of in the Bible. (“And the two shall become one flesh …” Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:8). They need a period of isolation for them to develop an identity as a couple. They will appreciate your respect for their privacy.
When the time is right, invite your friend and his wife (or her husband) to a movie, dinner or other activity. You will know the time is probably right not just when the two of them return from their honeymoon, but when they are once again participating in normal activities like going to work and church.
It is very important you involve the spouse because most newlyweds go through a period when one or both are insecure in their relationship. This is somewhat normal in the early stages of a marriage because of the seriousness of the commitment and the realization of the vows they have made to each other. The results are often feelings of vulnerability and jealousy.
When you involve the spouse, you are telling him/her that you are not a threat, but a friend. Likely, when the couple feels more secure, you will once again have some time alone with your friend without objection or insecurity from the spouse. It is, however, very important not to rush this.
Understand that you have not lost your friend, but that the conditions of your friendship have changed. The relationship between a husband and wife should be the most intimate and important relationship experienced by human beings. It takes precedence over friendships and even other family members. That is how God instituted marriage and all should respect that fact.
Though second place may not sound fair or encouraging, understand that your friend has not replaced you. Depending on the intensity of your friendship, your friend will likely never replace you, though her commitments and responsibilities have changed.
Preserving Your Friendship
Perhaps the best way to keep a friendship strong after one of you marries is to be the best friend you can be at that stage in life.
As time goes on, your friend could have children. If you are there to baby-sit or be a good role model for her children, you will be an important part of her life forever. Her commitment is now to her new family; therefore, showing respect and consideration to them is your duty as a friend in this new chapter of life.
If God blesses you with a spouse, your friendship will take on even new roles and dimensions as you extend the friendship between the two of you into your growing families.
If you remain a loyal and considerate friend, your friendship will likely continue and, perhaps, become even stronger as long as you value and are respectful of your friend’s marriage.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Isn't It About Time You Got Married?
(by Wendy Widder)
I've got a few unanswered questions about my life. I'd like to know if I'll ever be a homemaker and homeowner. I'd like to know how to sell and buy, as well as manage maintenance on, a car as a single woman. I'd like to know if I'll ever walk down the aisle as the main attraction instead of as a member of the supporting cast. I've discovered, though, that I rarely have to ask questions like this. There are plenty of other people in my life asking them for me.
At a church event one evening, I was serving punch, stocking cookie trays, and cleaning up messes, when a mere acquaintance asked one. Punch ladle in hand, attention focused on stirring pink sherbet, I heard his voice. "So, isn't it about time you got married?" Glancing left and right with the desperate hope that he was speaking to anyone else, I slowly looked up. Nope, I was the lucky target, and he hit the bull's-eye.
"Isn't it about time you got married?" He voiced one of those questions that lurks in the heart of every single adult who desires to be married. It resides next to half a dozen others we've been asked over the years--questions for which we either don't have the answers or don't like the answers:
* Do you have a boyfriend?
* You're a nice girl; why aren't you dating anyone?
* How's your love life? [Would you dare ask a married person this?!]
* Are you looking for a husband?
* So, you're still single?
* Do you want to get married?
If you are single, you've fielded most of these and countless other remarks for which any answer seems inadequate. You've probably mastered the courtesy laugh and polite smile, and chances are you're an expert at shifting conversations away from your marital status.
While I laugh at both well-meaning friends and rude acquaintances for asking such bold things, they are really only voicing questions I have in my own head. I just don't ask them because I know there aren't answers.
If I'll marry, who I'll marry, when I'll marry, are some of God's question marks in my life, unknown obstacles in my race. That's the way God planned it. After wrestling repeatedly with these and other questions about singleness, I've resigned myself to the fact that God is the only One who knows the answers, and He's not telling. Most days I can live with that. Not everybody in my life has struggled through these issues, though, and so for them, I sometimes just don't fit into a preconceived mold.
One of my sisters is an expert puzzler. She holds the box in one hand and stirs through it with the other, looking for certain pieces. When she strikes, she's rarely wrong. Her practiced eye knows where pieces fit without even trying them. I love puzzles, too, and while I learned much of my skill from watching my sister, I can't compete with her prowess. I have a knack for picking a piece that looks like it should fit, but no matter how many times I try, it doesn't. I turn it and try again. Nope. I set it down in the corner of the board and when I come back to it, I think all over again that it must fit in that place. Like a dull-witted dog chasing parked cars, I keep putting the same right piece in the same wrong place. It makes no sense to me--how a piece with the right coloring and the right shape just doesn't fit.
To married friends and relatives, singles are sometimes those puzzle pieces. It looks to them as if we should fit in a certain place. In attempts to make us fit, they often ask bold questions. At times they answer their own questions when our responses fall short of what they hoped to hear:
* God has someone very special for you.
* You just wait--your day is coming.
* You'll make somebody a perfect wife.
* He just doesn't know what he's missing.
* You never know who you'll meet.
* I hope you meet someone special; I really want you to be happy.
Begging the forgiveness of my friends and family, I don't have nearly as many problems with the unanswered questions in my life as I do with their answers! I wholeheartedly recognize their good intentions. They never mean to be invasive or rude; they really want only the best for me. I love them for it, and I've learned to laugh at them for it, too.
Like I said, most days I can live with God's absence of answers. But sometimes, I allow myself to listen to the well-meaning advice of bystanders, and I choose to hear their answers above the silence of God. When I filter their pieces of intended encouragement through my emotional sieve, I want to believe them. I want to take their statements as divine wisdom.
Maybe time will prove their words correct in my life, but I can't afford to live with that expectation. If I do, chances are good I will park myself on the side of the road or hoist a heavy bag over my shoulder and squander this leg of the race.
Source: Crosswalk
I've got a few unanswered questions about my life. I'd like to know if I'll ever be a homemaker and homeowner. I'd like to know how to sell and buy, as well as manage maintenance on, a car as a single woman. I'd like to know if I'll ever walk down the aisle as the main attraction instead of as a member of the supporting cast. I've discovered, though, that I rarely have to ask questions like this. There are plenty of other people in my life asking them for me.
At a church event one evening, I was serving punch, stocking cookie trays, and cleaning up messes, when a mere acquaintance asked one. Punch ladle in hand, attention focused on stirring pink sherbet, I heard his voice. "So, isn't it about time you got married?" Glancing left and right with the desperate hope that he was speaking to anyone else, I slowly looked up. Nope, I was the lucky target, and he hit the bull's-eye.
"Isn't it about time you got married?" He voiced one of those questions that lurks in the heart of every single adult who desires to be married. It resides next to half a dozen others we've been asked over the years--questions for which we either don't have the answers or don't like the answers:
* Do you have a boyfriend?
* You're a nice girl; why aren't you dating anyone?
* How's your love life? [Would you dare ask a married person this?!]
* Are you looking for a husband?
* So, you're still single?
* Do you want to get married?
If you are single, you've fielded most of these and countless other remarks for which any answer seems inadequate. You've probably mastered the courtesy laugh and polite smile, and chances are you're an expert at shifting conversations away from your marital status.
While I laugh at both well-meaning friends and rude acquaintances for asking such bold things, they are really only voicing questions I have in my own head. I just don't ask them because I know there aren't answers.
If I'll marry, who I'll marry, when I'll marry, are some of God's question marks in my life, unknown obstacles in my race. That's the way God planned it. After wrestling repeatedly with these and other questions about singleness, I've resigned myself to the fact that God is the only One who knows the answers, and He's not telling. Most days I can live with that. Not everybody in my life has struggled through these issues, though, and so for them, I sometimes just don't fit into a preconceived mold.
One of my sisters is an expert puzzler. She holds the box in one hand and stirs through it with the other, looking for certain pieces. When she strikes, she's rarely wrong. Her practiced eye knows where pieces fit without even trying them. I love puzzles, too, and while I learned much of my skill from watching my sister, I can't compete with her prowess. I have a knack for picking a piece that looks like it should fit, but no matter how many times I try, it doesn't. I turn it and try again. Nope. I set it down in the corner of the board and when I come back to it, I think all over again that it must fit in that place. Like a dull-witted dog chasing parked cars, I keep putting the same right piece in the same wrong place. It makes no sense to me--how a piece with the right coloring and the right shape just doesn't fit.
To married friends and relatives, singles are sometimes those puzzle pieces. It looks to them as if we should fit in a certain place. In attempts to make us fit, they often ask bold questions. At times they answer their own questions when our responses fall short of what they hoped to hear:
* God has someone very special for you.
* You just wait--your day is coming.
* You'll make somebody a perfect wife.
* He just doesn't know what he's missing.
* You never know who you'll meet.
* I hope you meet someone special; I really want you to be happy.
Begging the forgiveness of my friends and family, I don't have nearly as many problems with the unanswered questions in my life as I do with their answers! I wholeheartedly recognize their good intentions. They never mean to be invasive or rude; they really want only the best for me. I love them for it, and I've learned to laugh at them for it, too.
Like I said, most days I can live with God's absence of answers. But sometimes, I allow myself to listen to the well-meaning advice of bystanders, and I choose to hear their answers above the silence of God. When I filter their pieces of intended encouragement through my emotional sieve, I want to believe them. I want to take their statements as divine wisdom.
Maybe time will prove their words correct in my life, but I can't afford to live with that expectation. If I do, chances are good I will park myself on the side of the road or hoist a heavy bag over my shoulder and squander this leg of the race.
Source: Crosswalk
Friday, October 17, 2008
Realizing Your Dreams
(by Cliff Young)
I love the Walt Disney Park’s mystique and theme, “Where dreams come true.” My belief in dreams and miracles (prior to my relationship with Jesus) was instilled early in my childhood through trips to Disneyland. Even though I have learned several of the Disney secrets, have been frustrated professionally, and have experienced disappointment in my personal life, I am not deterred from believing that my dreams can come true.
My desire of being a husband and a father is one dream that has taken a beating over the years. In the early ‘90s, I spent five years working with a church youth group mentoring a group of young men. Along with challenging these men spiritually, we also spent a great deal of time talking about girls, dating and relationships. Fast forward fifteen years and all of these guys are married with children, while their “mentor” is writing articles for singles. Did I miss something along the way? Did I not follow some aspect of my own advice?
There are many who wonder if life has passed them by, if their best years are behind them, or if they have been robbed of their dreams. (Did I just hear an “Amen”?) However, if we spend our time lamenting over the past and what might have been instead of what actually is, we will be blind and deaf to what God has for us today.
Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with things that move us towards progress and peace. Ronald Reagan
Life can be hard and broken dreams can beat down the strongest of faiths. I see my younger friends living out their dreams and wonder about my own, but through God’s Word I find encouragement on how to maintain and progress towards my own dreams in the midst of my friends experiencing theirs.
Do Not Covet
Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…or anything else your neighbor owns (Exodus 20:17).
Covet simply means to desire inordinately (exceeding reasonable limits).
Coveting may be the most common unspoken sin in society. It is often difficult to go through a day without, or wanting, what another has—be it large or small. However, when the desire becomes all consuming, it becomes sinful.
I watch couples enjoy an intimate dinner. I stand up for others as they exchange their wedding vows. I drive by ball fields and see parents cheer for their child. How can I maintain my desire for the same without it becoming an obsession?
My comfort comes from knowing that the God of the Universe knew and understood from the beginning the very things I would struggle with. He specifically says do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or anything else your neighbor owns. That’s pretty self-explanatory. It is a command for us to stop (excessively) wanting what others have, that includes relationships, and all that comes with it.
(He) has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).
I find it easy to fall into desiring what I don’t have or wanting what others have, yet Jesus has blessed me with every spiritual blessing I need in order to serve Him, bring honor to Him and live a fruitful life. My focus needs to be on utilizing those blessings for His Glory, not my own. I am here to serve, not to be served.
Be Happy (or at Least Joyful) for Others
Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
How can I honestly be happy for those who are experiencing the things that I desire? How do I genuinely be joyful about what others have that I long for?
My inability to be happy for others could lie deeper within my being. I may not accept myself for who I am, for whom God created me to be, or for the place I am currently at. I am not happy for others because I don’t like myself. I do not love my neighbor because I do not love myself. I am not experiencing true joy in my life because I have not put my entire faith and trust in my relationship with Jesus.
There is no easy formula for being happy while others seem to be happier. There is no easy way to accept the struggles that we face while others seem to live unscathed. However, there is one illustration that comes to mind.
If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine (Matthew 26:39).
Jesus struggled with taking the mantle of mankind on His shoulders. His willingness to follow through was based upon the love He had for His Father and what His Father desired. Many of us don’t understand God’s plan for us, we are perplexed with His timeframe, we don’t realize how God has protected us, and we have difficulty seeing how He is utilizing us.
I am guilty of thinking I know what is best for me and direct my steps accordingly. Oftentimes, I am wrong in my thinking and in my steps.
Jesus tells us if we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer. Then we will begin to hear His voice and to recognize what He has planned for us. As a result we can accept ourselves for how and for what purpose God created us. If we truly believe we are complete in the Lord, we won’t worry about what we don’t have, but more importantly, we will have genuine joy in our heart toward others.
Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Have Faith. Do Not Be Discouraged. God Will Give More Than We Can Imagine.
When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed him. … .And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred … (Romans 4:18, 19).
Most singles have the dream to be married along with raising children. When our dream is not realized within the parameters and timeframe we (or society) have set for us, disappointment may set in, our hope may weaken and our faith in God doubted.
However, if we put our hope and faith in the Lord (and His timeframe), rather than ourselves (and our timeframe), we can find solace in Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
A 44-year old female friend of mine never had a serious relationship. She invested her time in her work, church, family and friends. On a blind date, she was introduced to a 46-year old man, who also never had a serious relationship. Within three months they were engaged. Seven months after being married, they adopted two little girls.
Did either of them specifically plan for this? Within a year and a half a woman and a man, no different than many of us, became a wife and a husband, a mother and a father.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4).
Don’t give up on yourself or on your dreams—God has not forgotten you. His plans for you are bigger and better than anything you can dream of.
Don’t take your disappointment out on others by not being happy for them. Love God, love yourself, and love others as God commands.
A friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17).
I love the Walt Disney Park’s mystique and theme, “Where dreams come true.” My belief in dreams and miracles (prior to my relationship with Jesus) was instilled early in my childhood through trips to Disneyland. Even though I have learned several of the Disney secrets, have been frustrated professionally, and have experienced disappointment in my personal life, I am not deterred from believing that my dreams can come true.
My desire of being a husband and a father is one dream that has taken a beating over the years. In the early ‘90s, I spent five years working with a church youth group mentoring a group of young men. Along with challenging these men spiritually, we also spent a great deal of time talking about girls, dating and relationships. Fast forward fifteen years and all of these guys are married with children, while their “mentor” is writing articles for singles. Did I miss something along the way? Did I not follow some aspect of my own advice?
There are many who wonder if life has passed them by, if their best years are behind them, or if they have been robbed of their dreams. (Did I just hear an “Amen”?) However, if we spend our time lamenting over the past and what might have been instead of what actually is, we will be blind and deaf to what God has for us today.
Every new day begins with possibilities. It’s up to us to fill it with things that move us towards progress and peace. Ronald Reagan
Life can be hard and broken dreams can beat down the strongest of faiths. I see my younger friends living out their dreams and wonder about my own, but through God’s Word I find encouragement on how to maintain and progress towards my own dreams in the midst of my friends experiencing theirs.
Do Not Covet
Do not covet your neighbor’s house. Do not covet your neighbor’s wife…or anything else your neighbor owns (Exodus 20:17).
Covet simply means to desire inordinately (exceeding reasonable limits).
Coveting may be the most common unspoken sin in society. It is often difficult to go through a day without, or wanting, what another has—be it large or small. However, when the desire becomes all consuming, it becomes sinful.
I watch couples enjoy an intimate dinner. I stand up for others as they exchange their wedding vows. I drive by ball fields and see parents cheer for their child. How can I maintain my desire for the same without it becoming an obsession?
My comfort comes from knowing that the God of the Universe knew and understood from the beginning the very things I would struggle with. He specifically says do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, or anything else your neighbor owns. That’s pretty self-explanatory. It is a command for us to stop (excessively) wanting what others have, that includes relationships, and all that comes with it.
(He) has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 1:3).
I find it easy to fall into desiring what I don’t have or wanting what others have, yet Jesus has blessed me with every spiritual blessing I need in order to serve Him, bring honor to Him and live a fruitful life. My focus needs to be on utilizing those blessings for His Glory, not my own. I am here to serve, not to be served.
Be Happy (or at Least Joyful) for Others
Never seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord (Leviticus 19:18).
How can I honestly be happy for those who are experiencing the things that I desire? How do I genuinely be joyful about what others have that I long for?
My inability to be happy for others could lie deeper within my being. I may not accept myself for who I am, for whom God created me to be, or for the place I am currently at. I am not happy for others because I don’t like myself. I do not love my neighbor because I do not love myself. I am not experiencing true joy in my life because I have not put my entire faith and trust in my relationship with Jesus.
There is no easy formula for being happy while others seem to be happier. There is no easy way to accept the struggles that we face while others seem to live unscathed. However, there is one illustration that comes to mind.
If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine (Matthew 26:39).
Jesus struggled with taking the mantle of mankind on His shoulders. His willingness to follow through was based upon the love He had for His Father and what His Father desired. Many of us don’t understand God’s plan for us, we are perplexed with His timeframe, we don’t realize how God has protected us, and we have difficulty seeing how He is utilizing us.
I am guilty of thinking I know what is best for me and direct my steps accordingly. Oftentimes, I am wrong in my thinking and in my steps.
Jesus tells us if we draw closer to Him, He will draw closer. Then we will begin to hear His voice and to recognize what He has planned for us. As a result we can accept ourselves for how and for what purpose God created us. If we truly believe we are complete in the Lord, we won’t worry about what we don’t have, but more importantly, we will have genuine joy in our heart toward others.
Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone (2 Peter 1:5-7).
Have Faith. Do Not Be Discouraged. God Will Give More Than We Can Imagine.
When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed him. … .And Abraham’s faith did not weaken, even though he knew that he was too old to be a father at the age of one hundred … (Romans 4:18, 19).
Most singles have the dream to be married along with raising children. When our dream is not realized within the parameters and timeframe we (or society) have set for us, disappointment may set in, our hope may weaken and our faith in God doubted.
However, if we put our hope and faith in the Lord (and His timeframe), rather than ourselves (and our timeframe), we can find solace in Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
A 44-year old female friend of mine never had a serious relationship. She invested her time in her work, church, family and friends. On a blind date, she was introduced to a 46-year old man, who also never had a serious relationship. Within three months they were engaged. Seven months after being married, they adopted two little girls.
Did either of them specifically plan for this? Within a year and a half a woman and a man, no different than many of us, became a wife and a husband, a mother and a father.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4).
Don’t give up on yourself or on your dreams—God has not forgotten you. His plans for you are bigger and better than anything you can dream of.
Don’t take your disappointment out on others by not being happy for them. Love God, love yourself, and love others as God commands.
A friend is always loyal (Proverbs 17:17).
Delay Marriage for Job's Sake
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Congrats on 10 years and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate your unique stand on putting family and relationships ahead of career/money goals.
I have a question in that regard. I am 25, single, and quite eligible by many people's (including my Christian parents). Through four years of college and two subsequent years of ministry school I have only had one relationship, a six month one freshman year that ended poorly due to bad timing. No physical sin, just personalities.
I've refrained from dating (entirely, no "buddies", nothing) because of my student financial position. I have never been in debt, but up till now my student status has impaired my income considerably. I am now ready to strike out on my own and I have started a fledgling currency trading business which has been doing very well. At the rate it's growing, it will probably make a good living in a couple years, and a VERY good living in three years time. God has blessed me in it, and I'm dead certain it is His will.
But between trading, working on the side, and church/ministry activities, it takes up all my time. My thought has been that if I stay single and focused, in a couple years I will have built the business to a self-sustaining point that will free me to pursue other things like marriage, more traveling ministry opportunities, etc. But if I tried to fit in pursuing marriage, I'm worried about jeopardized my entrepreneurial efforts because of all the expense, time, and mental energy involved in romantic relationships. It could really eat into my capital and would take many more years to make up.
Most of what you've written about marriage on your blog seems to apply to the single male Christian employee who won't man up and find a wife. What do you think about intentionally putting it off for entrepreneurial purposes?
REPLY
I can't think of any scriptural basis for putting off marriage in order to build a "successful" business, however that is defined. Yes, you need to make a livable wage, but that's different. There might be some principle we could wrest from a verse somewhere that might lend itself to such an idea, but I can't think of one that would be very straightforward.
Paul allows for some instances for not marrying, but only for the glory of God and the building of the Kingdom of Christ, not financial (in)stability. Of course, building a business might very well be a piece of His marriage plan for you, so you need not assume that you face an either/or scenario. That's the quick answer.
Your question gives me an opportunity to talk a bit about God's will, which was one of the first topics I wrote about when Boundless Answers got rolling a couple of years ago.
One of the things we must understand about God's will for our lives is that it is perfect. No, it is not lived out by us perfectly. But in His sovereignty, He somehow brings His perfect will to bear upon our imperfect practice of it and works everything for our good and His glory.
I don't know how He does it. I don't have to know how He does it. I only know He is God and quite capable of working that out.
Part of what "perfect" means is that God's will for my life can't contradict itself. It's unified in all its parts. One part of it won't conflict with another. On the contrary, all parts compliment the others. So if His will is for us to have job X and pursue spouse Y simultaneously, not only can it happen, if we don't follow that guidance, we will not have inner peace. If His will is to have job X and not pursue spouse Y, the same applies: peace if we follow His will; no peace if we don't.
If you believe you are daily following the leadership of the Spirit of Christ in your life, and you are open to whatever God instructs at any given moment, then you don't need to worry about how or when it will happen. You only need to concern yourself with obedience to the will of God. If you find yourself in a month falling head over heels in love, and you know it's God's will, He'll make sure entrepreneurial pursuit X doesn't contradict pursuit of spouse Y.
If both are His will, the pursuit of both will, in fact, complement it.
When you look at the math, it might not make sense to you to pursue marriage at the moment, but God might have different plans that you don't understand (welcome to the Christian life). Stay open to the possibility. You, like most Christians, are likely called to marriage and family, and sooner rather than later. Part of God's preparation for that might be for you to establish yourself a bit financially, or it might be starting from where you are right now with your spouse by your side. Either way, God can handle it.
It's good and biblical to look to the future and plan as best as you can, as long as you are ready and willing at any moment for God to go in another direction. As many couples will testify, love often comes without warning and catches us quite by surprise, despite our plans.
God wants us to hold our lives with a wide open hand as we pursue Him above everything, both business and relational. Most of us hold on so tightly we'd need a crowbar to pry us loose from our own grip. That's not a life of faith and trust in a God who will never forsake us.
Planning and praying go hand-in-hand. The only one you can do too much of is the former. You keep your conversation with God running the whole time you're pursuing your entrepreneurial plans and obey His voice. And don't be surprised if He speaks marriage sooner than you think.
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Congrats on 10 years and thank you for everything you do. I appreciate your unique stand on putting family and relationships ahead of career/money goals.
I have a question in that regard. I am 25, single, and quite eligible by many people's (including my Christian parents). Through four years of college and two subsequent years of ministry school I have only had one relationship, a six month one freshman year that ended poorly due to bad timing. No physical sin, just personalities.
I've refrained from dating (entirely, no "buddies", nothing) because of my student financial position. I have never been in debt, but up till now my student status has impaired my income considerably. I am now ready to strike out on my own and I have started a fledgling currency trading business which has been doing very well. At the rate it's growing, it will probably make a good living in a couple years, and a VERY good living in three years time. God has blessed me in it, and I'm dead certain it is His will.
But between trading, working on the side, and church/ministry activities, it takes up all my time. My thought has been that if I stay single and focused, in a couple years I will have built the business to a self-sustaining point that will free me to pursue other things like marriage, more traveling ministry opportunities, etc. But if I tried to fit in pursuing marriage, I'm worried about jeopardized my entrepreneurial efforts because of all the expense, time, and mental energy involved in romantic relationships. It could really eat into my capital and would take many more years to make up.
Most of what you've written about marriage on your blog seems to apply to the single male Christian employee who won't man up and find a wife. What do you think about intentionally putting it off for entrepreneurial purposes?
REPLY
I can't think of any scriptural basis for putting off marriage in order to build a "successful" business, however that is defined. Yes, you need to make a livable wage, but that's different. There might be some principle we could wrest from a verse somewhere that might lend itself to such an idea, but I can't think of one that would be very straightforward.
Paul allows for some instances for not marrying, but only for the glory of God and the building of the Kingdom of Christ, not financial (in)stability. Of course, building a business might very well be a piece of His marriage plan for you, so you need not assume that you face an either/or scenario. That's the quick answer.
Your question gives me an opportunity to talk a bit about God's will, which was one of the first topics I wrote about when Boundless Answers got rolling a couple of years ago.
One of the things we must understand about God's will for our lives is that it is perfect. No, it is not lived out by us perfectly. But in His sovereignty, He somehow brings His perfect will to bear upon our imperfect practice of it and works everything for our good and His glory.
I don't know how He does it. I don't have to know how He does it. I only know He is God and quite capable of working that out.
Part of what "perfect" means is that God's will for my life can't contradict itself. It's unified in all its parts. One part of it won't conflict with another. On the contrary, all parts compliment the others. So if His will is for us to have job X and pursue spouse Y simultaneously, not only can it happen, if we don't follow that guidance, we will not have inner peace. If His will is to have job X and not pursue spouse Y, the same applies: peace if we follow His will; no peace if we don't.
If you believe you are daily following the leadership of the Spirit of Christ in your life, and you are open to whatever God instructs at any given moment, then you don't need to worry about how or when it will happen. You only need to concern yourself with obedience to the will of God. If you find yourself in a month falling head over heels in love, and you know it's God's will, He'll make sure entrepreneurial pursuit X doesn't contradict pursuit of spouse Y.
If both are His will, the pursuit of both will, in fact, complement it.
When you look at the math, it might not make sense to you to pursue marriage at the moment, but God might have different plans that you don't understand (welcome to the Christian life). Stay open to the possibility. You, like most Christians, are likely called to marriage and family, and sooner rather than later. Part of God's preparation for that might be for you to establish yourself a bit financially, or it might be starting from where you are right now with your spouse by your side. Either way, God can handle it.
It's good and biblical to look to the future and plan as best as you can, as long as you are ready and willing at any moment for God to go in another direction. As many couples will testify, love often comes without warning and catches us quite by surprise, despite our plans.
God wants us to hold our lives with a wide open hand as we pursue Him above everything, both business and relational. Most of us hold on so tightly we'd need a crowbar to pry us loose from our own grip. That's not a life of faith and trust in a God who will never forsake us.
Planning and praying go hand-in-hand. The only one you can do too much of is the former. You keep your conversation with God running the whole time you're pursuing your entrepreneurial plans and obey His voice. And don't be surprised if He speaks marriage sooner than you think.
Source: Boundless
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Content but Not Satisfied
(by Hudson Russell Davis)
“He did not seek to drown grief in oblivion, but to exalt and dignify it through hope. A dry eye goes with a dead soul.”
— Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
The hope is that in considering contentment and satisfaction we might be able to own our sorrow and longing and that they might lose some of their venom.
The hope is that in confessing the truth of our need to one another we can walk in freedom and not fear that the entire world has passed us by or is judging us.
It has become important to me because of the many voices that cast judging eyes my way if I speak of my need. “Surely,” they say, “you need to be content before God will bless you.” I bristle at the words but hold my tongue.
No matter what those voices may, say contentment is not the absence or denial of need. No! Contentment is the confidence that all things are being worked together for we who love God (Rom 8:28). Contentment is the confidence, the childlike zealous, loving, confidence that He cares (1Pet. 5:7). A contentment that ignores the hunger, that pretends there is no want is self-delusion—this requires no faith at all. It requires a waking dream that presents all things as completed and fulfilled.
But we are told clearly that there is more to come. Much of what is to come is promised at the end of all things, but here and now our souls know the craving and for me one of those cravings is a relationship. I am content but not satisfied.
I am content in my singleness because I am certain that God has not abandoned me, has not forgotten me, that He loves me. But I am not satisfied because, despite the Love of God and the love of friends, despite the blessings I cannot list, there is an ache and longing that is unfulfilled. I am content but not satisfied.
It seems to me that when some speak of contentment in the area of singleness they often mean satisfied or resigned in the manner that does not disturb the sensitivities of those who are married. So the well meaning counselors issue well meaning statements.
“Your singleness is a blessing.”
What then, is marriage not a blessing?
“You have so many more opportunities to serve God.”
Are there no opportunities to serve within marriage?
“Marriage is hard.”
And singleness is easy?
“Just be content.”
Here it is often better that I hold my tongue before those who themselves complain about their spouse, children, and “responsibilities.” Yes, let us just be content. Let us wake up and wrap it about us, or paint it on before we leave the house so that no one is disturbed to know that the body of Christ actually hurts. Let us take the pill of forgetfulness and shod our feet with pretence. That will make it all better. This is the cynic in me.
The expectation seems to be that singles simply grin and bear it, that they accept their state and rejoice in it—and we should. Sometimes it seems as though those well meaning counselors desire that singles refrain from anything that suggests all is not well. But the deeper truth is that all is not well while Christ tarries. The world is not right and our hunger, our longing, is a part of what will be righted—later. So I am content to wait on Christ and will not act in the rashness of my desires—but I am not satisfied.
It is by no means proper to live by pretence and contentment does not demand a false smile and deluded conscience. No! What Paul teaches in Philippians is neither that all is well with the world nor that it is more spiritual to be in need. What Paul teaches is that one can be content even in the midst of need, even in the midst of longing. We can be content even if we are not satisfied. He said he was not writing because he was in need but he was in need. He was in prison. He was not writing because of his need. He wrote because of his joy and wanted to thank the Philippians for meeting his needs.
To be honest it would be easier to accept the fact that God will never bless me with a wife than to indefinitely nurture hope. It would be easier to resign and be satisfied than to harbor hope and take steps to change things. But, again, as Christians we live with the tension of promises yet unfulfilled. We are both content with all that is in Christ and yet there is a disquieted longing for more. We should ever be content but not satisfied.
* We have an assured future but an uncertain present.
* We have joy in God’s promises but the reality of present pain.
* We have peace through the God’s promises but sorrow is ever present.
* We know God will provide but some are literally starving.
* We are saved but must hunger and thirst after righteousness.
* We are spiritual wealthy but are called to be poor in spirit.
* We are to rejoice but those who mourn are promised comfort.
* We are blessed by God but often persecuted.
* We see God dimly but long for the day we will see Him clearly.
* Some of us…know the love of friends, family, and God but ache and long for a mate.
We are both content and not satisfied, and it’s okay. The mother who lost four children in one day considers them every day. She may wonder what it would be like if were there for Christmas or the family reunion. Every marriage and every birth near her will become a reminder that her sons will never know these pleasures or experience these milestones. And while most singles have not faced a death (though some have) their longing is much the same.
Every marriage and every birth is a reminder that they may never share in those pleasures or experience these milestones. To rejoice with others is still to know a pang of loss as though something had died. And while marriage may bring new problems and not end the deeper longing, it still feels as though year by year a dream is dying a slow death. We need not delude ourselves, marriage will not end the loneliness but it is a particular desire without which we are not satisfied.
It is the fact that I am not satisfied that keeps my eyes skyward, that bends my knees in prayer, that calls me to a deeper trust in the grace of God. I may not be satisfied but I have no fear of starving. I have no fear of TRULY being alone. It is dissatisfaction with my circumstances that presses me to hope for more, to try for more. But it is most certainly contentment in our circumstances and the God who overseas all things that will keep us, the dissatisfied, from despair.
Source: crosswalk
“He did not seek to drown grief in oblivion, but to exalt and dignify it through hope. A dry eye goes with a dead soul.”
— Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
The hope is that in considering contentment and satisfaction we might be able to own our sorrow and longing and that they might lose some of their venom.
The hope is that in confessing the truth of our need to one another we can walk in freedom and not fear that the entire world has passed us by or is judging us.
It has become important to me because of the many voices that cast judging eyes my way if I speak of my need. “Surely,” they say, “you need to be content before God will bless you.” I bristle at the words but hold my tongue.
No matter what those voices may, say contentment is not the absence or denial of need. No! Contentment is the confidence that all things are being worked together for we who love God (Rom 8:28). Contentment is the confidence, the childlike zealous, loving, confidence that He cares (1Pet. 5:7). A contentment that ignores the hunger, that pretends there is no want is self-delusion—this requires no faith at all. It requires a waking dream that presents all things as completed and fulfilled.
But we are told clearly that there is more to come. Much of what is to come is promised at the end of all things, but here and now our souls know the craving and for me one of those cravings is a relationship. I am content but not satisfied.
I am content in my singleness because I am certain that God has not abandoned me, has not forgotten me, that He loves me. But I am not satisfied because, despite the Love of God and the love of friends, despite the blessings I cannot list, there is an ache and longing that is unfulfilled. I am content but not satisfied.
It seems to me that when some speak of contentment in the area of singleness they often mean satisfied or resigned in the manner that does not disturb the sensitivities of those who are married. So the well meaning counselors issue well meaning statements.
“Your singleness is a blessing.”
What then, is marriage not a blessing?
“You have so many more opportunities to serve God.”
Are there no opportunities to serve within marriage?
“Marriage is hard.”
And singleness is easy?
“Just be content.”
Here it is often better that I hold my tongue before those who themselves complain about their spouse, children, and “responsibilities.” Yes, let us just be content. Let us wake up and wrap it about us, or paint it on before we leave the house so that no one is disturbed to know that the body of Christ actually hurts. Let us take the pill of forgetfulness and shod our feet with pretence. That will make it all better. This is the cynic in me.
The expectation seems to be that singles simply grin and bear it, that they accept their state and rejoice in it—and we should. Sometimes it seems as though those well meaning counselors desire that singles refrain from anything that suggests all is not well. But the deeper truth is that all is not well while Christ tarries. The world is not right and our hunger, our longing, is a part of what will be righted—later. So I am content to wait on Christ and will not act in the rashness of my desires—but I am not satisfied.
It is by no means proper to live by pretence and contentment does not demand a false smile and deluded conscience. No! What Paul teaches in Philippians is neither that all is well with the world nor that it is more spiritual to be in need. What Paul teaches is that one can be content even in the midst of need, even in the midst of longing. We can be content even if we are not satisfied. He said he was not writing because he was in need but he was in need. He was in prison. He was not writing because of his need. He wrote because of his joy and wanted to thank the Philippians for meeting his needs.
To be honest it would be easier to accept the fact that God will never bless me with a wife than to indefinitely nurture hope. It would be easier to resign and be satisfied than to harbor hope and take steps to change things. But, again, as Christians we live with the tension of promises yet unfulfilled. We are both content with all that is in Christ and yet there is a disquieted longing for more. We should ever be content but not satisfied.
* We have an assured future but an uncertain present.
* We have joy in God’s promises but the reality of present pain.
* We have peace through the God’s promises but sorrow is ever present.
* We know God will provide but some are literally starving.
* We are saved but must hunger and thirst after righteousness.
* We are spiritual wealthy but are called to be poor in spirit.
* We are to rejoice but those who mourn are promised comfort.
* We are blessed by God but often persecuted.
* We see God dimly but long for the day we will see Him clearly.
* Some of us…know the love of friends, family, and God but ache and long for a mate.
We are both content and not satisfied, and it’s okay. The mother who lost four children in one day considers them every day. She may wonder what it would be like if were there for Christmas or the family reunion. Every marriage and every birth near her will become a reminder that her sons will never know these pleasures or experience these milestones. And while most singles have not faced a death (though some have) their longing is much the same.
Every marriage and every birth is a reminder that they may never share in those pleasures or experience these milestones. To rejoice with others is still to know a pang of loss as though something had died. And while marriage may bring new problems and not end the deeper longing, it still feels as though year by year a dream is dying a slow death. We need not delude ourselves, marriage will not end the loneliness but it is a particular desire without which we are not satisfied.
It is the fact that I am not satisfied that keeps my eyes skyward, that bends my knees in prayer, that calls me to a deeper trust in the grace of God. I may not be satisfied but I have no fear of starving. I have no fear of TRULY being alone. It is dissatisfaction with my circumstances that presses me to hope for more, to try for more. But it is most certainly contentment in our circumstances and the God who overseas all things that will keep us, the dissatisfied, from despair.
Source: crosswalk
A Life of Simplicity
(by Nanmarie Woodford)
After searching through job banks in Washington D.C., I began working at a lobbying office full of political analysts and think-tank gurus. I plunged into my career life with zeal.
The commute and the hours were long and it didn’t pay enough, but I thrived on the excitement of politics. I was also beginning to date someone seriously. Between my new job and this new relationship, I definitely had my hands full.
Soon, I was getting less sleep and had no time for lunch or exercise. I lacked energy, but sustained myself at work with lots of coffee.
I thought of moving downtown to free up time, but that would eliminate involvement at my church or with my family, both located nearly 30 miles outside the city. My life was becoming my job, and I didn’t know how to find a balance.
Anxiety from work was building, keeping me up at night and adding to my emotional exhaustion. Yet I just couldn’t see what to change or let go.
One sleepless night, I wept silently. Not understanding myself or why I was crying, I prayed to God for guidance and to show me how to live.
From that prayer ensued a year’s journey into the desert: Arizona.
My boss wanted to start a non-profit organization in Arizona and needed help. One morning, as the sun poured through my window, I prayed to God to tell me if moving to Arizona was the right decision. I only heard what had echoed in my mind for some time: I’ve called you to a life of simplicity.
With conflicting emotions, I took the opportunity and moved to the desert. At first, I doubted God’s ways. Not until three months later did it dawn on me that this move wasn’t about my career, but about God answering my prayer to show me how to live.
It was strange living and working alone in a new town with a five-minute commute when I was used to an hour. I could eat lunch at home. I had time to exercise. And I was now dating long distance. Suddenly, things weren’t so busy anymore, and God and I had ample time to talk.
He showed me that how I was living would lead to more stress, anxiety and busy-ness. To teach me how to live a more simple life, He didn’t stop with just rearranging my exterior life. He was also about to re-design my interior life.
Trust God with the future. This job hadn’t shaped up the way I thought it would. I feared I might be wasting my time and even worse, missing rewarding opportunities back home. I was trying so hard to plan today for what might lay ahead in the future. But the truth was, only God knew. God lives outside of time, knowing past, present, and future. Furthermore, Jeremiah 29:11 says He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So I gave Him permission to have His way with my career even though I didn’t see His reasons.
Live from day to day. Not having the burden of planning my future freed up a lot of thought time. I could concentrate on God’s desires for the present moment. God says that each day has enough trouble of its own anyway (Matthew 6:34). Instead of praying about future events, I pondered the meaning of the Lord’s prayer to “Give me this day my daily bread.”
Do not worry about tomorrow. God didn’t want me worrying about the future of my long-distance relationship either. Matthew 6:34 also says, Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Worrying is a distraction. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life (Matthew 6:27)?
Be consumed with God. Instead of planning and worrying, I now had time to daydream about God—to let Him and His ways consume my thought-life. He said, “Fall into me. Let me hold you. Let me and my beauty and my greatness take you away from the worries of the day.” When I am consumed with God, I do not miss His guiding words.
Sell all you have. Jesus told the rich man who wanted to follow him that he must sell everything he had. But when the rich man heard this, he became very sad because he was a man of great wealth (Luke 18:23). His wealth held him back from becoming a true disciple. Dreams close to my heart--a fulfilling job or getting married--were like possessions keeping me from following God. These “possessions” would only complicate my life. I gave them to God, and I determined to seek first His kingdom (Matthew 6:33).
God had to send me to the desert to teach me how to live. Now I am back in the city I love, but I am freer - carrying fewer burdens - in short, living simpler, and living for God!
Source: christian women today
After searching through job banks in Washington D.C., I began working at a lobbying office full of political analysts and think-tank gurus. I plunged into my career life with zeal.
The commute and the hours were long and it didn’t pay enough, but I thrived on the excitement of politics. I was also beginning to date someone seriously. Between my new job and this new relationship, I definitely had my hands full.
Soon, I was getting less sleep and had no time for lunch or exercise. I lacked energy, but sustained myself at work with lots of coffee.
I thought of moving downtown to free up time, but that would eliminate involvement at my church or with my family, both located nearly 30 miles outside the city. My life was becoming my job, and I didn’t know how to find a balance.
Anxiety from work was building, keeping me up at night and adding to my emotional exhaustion. Yet I just couldn’t see what to change or let go.
One sleepless night, I wept silently. Not understanding myself or why I was crying, I prayed to God for guidance and to show me how to live.
From that prayer ensued a year’s journey into the desert: Arizona.
My boss wanted to start a non-profit organization in Arizona and needed help. One morning, as the sun poured through my window, I prayed to God to tell me if moving to Arizona was the right decision. I only heard what had echoed in my mind for some time: I’ve called you to a life of simplicity.
With conflicting emotions, I took the opportunity and moved to the desert. At first, I doubted God’s ways. Not until three months later did it dawn on me that this move wasn’t about my career, but about God answering my prayer to show me how to live.
It was strange living and working alone in a new town with a five-minute commute when I was used to an hour. I could eat lunch at home. I had time to exercise. And I was now dating long distance. Suddenly, things weren’t so busy anymore, and God and I had ample time to talk.
He showed me that how I was living would lead to more stress, anxiety and busy-ness. To teach me how to live a more simple life, He didn’t stop with just rearranging my exterior life. He was also about to re-design my interior life.
Trust God with the future. This job hadn’t shaped up the way I thought it would. I feared I might be wasting my time and even worse, missing rewarding opportunities back home. I was trying so hard to plan today for what might lay ahead in the future. But the truth was, only God knew. God lives outside of time, knowing past, present, and future. Furthermore, Jeremiah 29:11 says He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future. So I gave Him permission to have His way with my career even though I didn’t see His reasons.
Live from day to day. Not having the burden of planning my future freed up a lot of thought time. I could concentrate on God’s desires for the present moment. God says that each day has enough trouble of its own anyway (Matthew 6:34). Instead of praying about future events, I pondered the meaning of the Lord’s prayer to “Give me this day my daily bread.”
Do not worry about tomorrow. God didn’t want me worrying about the future of my long-distance relationship either. Matthew 6:34 also says, Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Worrying is a distraction. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life (Matthew 6:27)?
Be consumed with God. Instead of planning and worrying, I now had time to daydream about God—to let Him and His ways consume my thought-life. He said, “Fall into me. Let me hold you. Let me and my beauty and my greatness take you away from the worries of the day.” When I am consumed with God, I do not miss His guiding words.
Sell all you have. Jesus told the rich man who wanted to follow him that he must sell everything he had. But when the rich man heard this, he became very sad because he was a man of great wealth (Luke 18:23). His wealth held him back from becoming a true disciple. Dreams close to my heart--a fulfilling job or getting married--were like possessions keeping me from following God. These “possessions” would only complicate my life. I gave them to God, and I determined to seek first His kingdom (Matthew 6:33).
God had to send me to the desert to teach me how to live. Now I am back in the city I love, but I am freer - carrying fewer burdens - in short, living simpler, and living for God!
Source: christian women today
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Combating Loneliness
(by Sandy Coughlin)
At sunset last night, I found myself driving my son to his friend’s house. As I made the turn onto the boy’s street, my eyes immediately drifted to a house on the left. What I saw inside was so welcoming I had to slow the Suburban down! I couldn’t wait to drop my son off – “Bye, son, I love you too!” - so I could quickly turn the car around, and drive by this home again. As I slowly approached the house, I gazed into the window. (I kind of felt like the paparazzi!) Through the front window I saw a huge dining room table filled with 4 couples of all ages. Dark hair, gray hair, glasses … I could see their bodies leaning inward, engaged in conversation. I could almost hear the laughter and smell the food.
Good for them! I thought. I wish more people could see this beautiful picture! I even wished I had my camera. Then reality hit as a car approached from behind, and I sped off towards home.
What stops people from hosting like this more often? We all crave relationships and connection. A recent study called Social Isolation in America showed that on average, the American adult has only two close friends. It went on to say that 80 percent confide in family only. There are so many lonely people right in our neighborhoods, schools, work places and churches that would love to be invited over for dinner. I know I’m guilty of failing to think of the lonely person. And sometimes it’s hard to know, really, who is lonely?
A friend recently asked me this question: “In your twenties, what drew you to God?” I immediately replied, “Loneliness.” Having never voiced that before, I’ve been thinking about my response these last few weeks. I longed not only for God, but also for deeper human connections. The changes I made had to start with me. I could not rely on anyone else to soothe that lonely feeling inside. I learned to go to God first, but then He also showed me that I need others.
My husband and I have been reading the book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Although the book is rather long with many graphs, it shows how we’ve become a less social society since the 1950’s. I realize we live in a different society now, but the busier we become, the more people we cut out of our lives. If this trend continues, then where are we headed? How will we make it without each other? Who’s going to help when the hard times come?
Do you retreat to your loneliness or reach out for help? Do you turn to television and the internet for your friendships, or do you have real life friends who will come when you call or when your family is in need? I personally put the following steps into place in my own life, starting twenty years ago, and still resort to them now as a married woman.
Open Your Doors
Learn to open the doors of your home in whatever season of life you are in. Introduce yourself to others and invite them in. Think about what ministry can take place in your home. I can think of so many ways of getting involved with people and life – right in our very own homes.
Our friend, Scott, opened his home to a bunch of public-school, 3-5th grade boys for a couple of years. These “Wise Guys” played basketball, ate snacks, and learned spiritual lesson for boys. Years ago, my good friend, Carrie, went into different friends’ homes and taught 5th grade girls about relationships. She was my true inspiration for starting my Balcony Girls group. My friend Donnetta opens her home to young moms on Wednesday mornings just to be friends to these ladies. Of course many churches offer care groups which take place in the home setting. The ideas are never-ending, really. You take your passion and fly with it!
Become a Friend
Resist the urge to sit back and mourn because you think no one cares about you or your family. Start getting involved in other people’s lives – by caring about them! Ask a lot of questions – show interest in their lives and when the time is right, invite them over for a meal.
Friendship offers benefits to our emotional and physical health. Loneliness can cause high blood pressure and problems with sleep. Lonely people are even at higher risk for Alzheimer’s later in life. Being open and authentic with others will help combat loneliness.
Lose Your FEAR
We’ve learned, and taught our kids, how fear robs and steals. Fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real, and it’s snatching lives right and left. People do not want to be vulnerable because they’ve either been burned or rejected. As we grow in life, I say – get over it! Learn from bad experiences – read, pray, find healthy friends. Do what needs to be done to heal so that a bad experience won’t squelch future relationships that have great potential.
Be Yourself
Entertaining in our home has become easy for my husband and me. Why? Because early on we decided: We are who we are. When we invite people over, they get the real us. We are willing to open up, share, be vulnerable, and not pretend. People are attracted to our openness but sometimes they are afraid to be open themselves because it leaves them feeling vulnerable.
We know we are not self-sustaining – there is no need to pretend otherwise. We know we need accountability and closeness with others. We know that we find value in friendships. We’ve learned to offer help – and we’ve learned to ask for help. And it's made all the difference.
At sunset last night, I found myself driving my son to his friend’s house. As I made the turn onto the boy’s street, my eyes immediately drifted to a house on the left. What I saw inside was so welcoming I had to slow the Suburban down! I couldn’t wait to drop my son off – “Bye, son, I love you too!” - so I could quickly turn the car around, and drive by this home again. As I slowly approached the house, I gazed into the window. (I kind of felt like the paparazzi!) Through the front window I saw a huge dining room table filled with 4 couples of all ages. Dark hair, gray hair, glasses … I could see their bodies leaning inward, engaged in conversation. I could almost hear the laughter and smell the food.
Good for them! I thought. I wish more people could see this beautiful picture! I even wished I had my camera. Then reality hit as a car approached from behind, and I sped off towards home.
What stops people from hosting like this more often? We all crave relationships and connection. A recent study called Social Isolation in America showed that on average, the American adult has only two close friends. It went on to say that 80 percent confide in family only. There are so many lonely people right in our neighborhoods, schools, work places and churches that would love to be invited over for dinner. I know I’m guilty of failing to think of the lonely person. And sometimes it’s hard to know, really, who is lonely?
A friend recently asked me this question: “In your twenties, what drew you to God?” I immediately replied, “Loneliness.” Having never voiced that before, I’ve been thinking about my response these last few weeks. I longed not only for God, but also for deeper human connections. The changes I made had to start with me. I could not rely on anyone else to soothe that lonely feeling inside. I learned to go to God first, but then He also showed me that I need others.
My husband and I have been reading the book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Although the book is rather long with many graphs, it shows how we’ve become a less social society since the 1950’s. I realize we live in a different society now, but the busier we become, the more people we cut out of our lives. If this trend continues, then where are we headed? How will we make it without each other? Who’s going to help when the hard times come?
Do you retreat to your loneliness or reach out for help? Do you turn to television and the internet for your friendships, or do you have real life friends who will come when you call or when your family is in need? I personally put the following steps into place in my own life, starting twenty years ago, and still resort to them now as a married woman.
Open Your Doors
Learn to open the doors of your home in whatever season of life you are in. Introduce yourself to others and invite them in. Think about what ministry can take place in your home. I can think of so many ways of getting involved with people and life – right in our very own homes.
Our friend, Scott, opened his home to a bunch of public-school, 3-5th grade boys for a couple of years. These “Wise Guys” played basketball, ate snacks, and learned spiritual lesson for boys. Years ago, my good friend, Carrie, went into different friends’ homes and taught 5th grade girls about relationships. She was my true inspiration for starting my Balcony Girls group. My friend Donnetta opens her home to young moms on Wednesday mornings just to be friends to these ladies. Of course many churches offer care groups which take place in the home setting. The ideas are never-ending, really. You take your passion and fly with it!
Become a Friend
Resist the urge to sit back and mourn because you think no one cares about you or your family. Start getting involved in other people’s lives – by caring about them! Ask a lot of questions – show interest in their lives and when the time is right, invite them over for a meal.
Friendship offers benefits to our emotional and physical health. Loneliness can cause high blood pressure and problems with sleep. Lonely people are even at higher risk for Alzheimer’s later in life. Being open and authentic with others will help combat loneliness.
Lose Your FEAR
We’ve learned, and taught our kids, how fear robs and steals. Fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real, and it’s snatching lives right and left. People do not want to be vulnerable because they’ve either been burned or rejected. As we grow in life, I say – get over it! Learn from bad experiences – read, pray, find healthy friends. Do what needs to be done to heal so that a bad experience won’t squelch future relationships that have great potential.
Be Yourself
Entertaining in our home has become easy for my husband and me. Why? Because early on we decided: We are who we are. When we invite people over, they get the real us. We are willing to open up, share, be vulnerable, and not pretend. People are attracted to our openness but sometimes they are afraid to be open themselves because it leaves them feeling vulnerable.
We know we are not self-sustaining – there is no need to pretend otherwise. We know we need accountability and closeness with others. We know that we find value in friendships. We’ve learned to offer help – and we’ve learned to ask for help. And it's made all the difference.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Our Common Sorrow
(by Hudson Russell Davis)
Like yours, my heart is a library of loneliness, longing to be read, but most people come only to browse. All too often the real feelings go back on the shelf.
— Tim Hansel
One of Satan’s chief means of crippling us is to convince us in our loneliness that we are truly alone, not simply without a mate but without a friend, without help and without God—forsaken. He whispers that whatever cries we utter are spoken into thin air and deaf ears, both human and divine. He tells us that people do not care and that God does not care, but it is not so.
Everything that has overtaken us is common to humankind. We all suffer loneliness. We all suffer rejection. We all raise up hope only to know disappointment. This is true of the single and it is true of the married, true under the limelight of success and the clouds of failure. We all know, to some degree, what it is to be misunderstood or ignored.
This does not mean that our sufferings are not individual, not unique; it means we do not suffer alone. I cannot know the ways you have been cut or the bruises you bear, but I care. We can never truly “understand” but need only love. While it is wonderful if someone understands, it is better if they care.
Each of us knows a particular sorrow, but we all know the pain of loneliness and the hurt of dreams deferred. We could resolve not to dream, but that is not wise. We could resolve not to feel, but that is not practical. By never speaking we could withdraw from the dangers of miscommunication, but that is not human. It seems so simple—no dreams no waking horrors, no feelings no hurt, no misunderstanding no discord. Isolation is a natural answer, but it is spiritual suicide.
If we choose not to risk we loose ever so subtly, the sharp edge to our faith. Over time we become people whose lives are as bland as our dreamless nights. Over time we become the boring but safe people who squash the dreams of others and tell them they should be “realistic.” Over time we may convince ourselves that we are the only unhappy souls in the world. We may even come to believe that a tasteless existence is really contentment. It is not. It is a numb, anesthetized, existence that falls short of living. It is a coma.
Self-deceit would rather ask nothing of God than wrestle with the answers he does or does not give. Isolation would rather resolve to need no one than risk failed relationships—even failed friendships. Because that is what it will come to if we never make peace with the loneliness. If it is suppressed, it may one day explode.
If ever we withdraw behind our carefully constructed barricades and for fear of disappointment relinquish hope, we shut out wife, husband and all living things. That is the danger—numbness not only to the hopes and dreams we harbored in our youth, but numbness to all dreams and hopes that life naturally cultivates.
Years of loneliness can warp our thinking and sap our strength. In time we may imagine that over that dune and the next dune is nothing more than sun, sand—and loneliness. So many of you have shared with me you felt lonely and alone in your loneliness. You have been very kind in telling me that my honesty eased your loneliness. I want to tell you that you were never alone. Alone is what the desert makes us feel, but we are not alone.
Indeed not only do I suffer the same trials, but also many of those you encounter weekly as you suffer in silence. How do I know? They have written and told me—a stranger—what they were afraid to tell you. And you have written and told me—a stranger—what you were afraid to tell them. Perhaps some of you felt comfortable with me because I had opened my heart and because you need not look me in the eyes and fear my rebuke. I have encouraged everyone that they are not alone, but want to add one last charge: break the silence! Open up and let someone in. And if someone speaks to you, listen between the lines for the pain that words cannot express.
Be a safe harbor for hurting hearts. Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). You may find the comfort you have enjoyed here—in knowing my heart—closer than expected. Perhaps someone near you is waiting for you to break the silence and live by honesty. It is the surest turn in our healing to understand that we are not alone, that we share a common sorrow, a common longing, which is not our own private nightmare.
It is the Enemy’s greatest tool to cripple us, to isolate us in our loneliness. He then attempts to convince us that all the whispers and all the laughter is about us—that we are diseased or damaged and that everyone we meet knows it. But it is not true. He is a liar and the Father of Lies. There is no truth in him (John 8:44). Our greatest weapon is the faith we have been given in a God who loved us enough to rescue us “while we were still sinners” (Rom. 5:8). Our greatest weapon against the isolation is to confess both our love of God and our genuine longing to a living, breathing, person who can touch us and restore us in love.
Beware! Not everyone loves honesty. Those who have already given up hope will not want their memories stirred, will not want the embers poked. They fear disappointment. I fear disappointment. For some, who have found peace in simple answers, the complexity of a real God who acts in ways we do not understand and cannot explain will be too much. But if ever the Christian community is to rise above the charge of “hypocrite” we must come out of the shadows and honestly state that we are content but not satisfied.
Here, I will start: “Hi. My name is Hudson and I am lonely.”
Now you. ...
Source: crosswalk
Like yours, my heart is a library of loneliness, longing to be read, but most people come only to browse. All too often the real feelings go back on the shelf.
— Tim Hansel
One of Satan’s chief means of crippling us is to convince us in our loneliness that we are truly alone, not simply without a mate but without a friend, without help and without God—forsaken. He whispers that whatever cries we utter are spoken into thin air and deaf ears, both human and divine. He tells us that people do not care and that God does not care, but it is not so.
Everything that has overtaken us is common to humankind. We all suffer loneliness. We all suffer rejection. We all raise up hope only to know disappointment. This is true of the single and it is true of the married, true under the limelight of success and the clouds of failure. We all know, to some degree, what it is to be misunderstood or ignored.
This does not mean that our sufferings are not individual, not unique; it means we do not suffer alone. I cannot know the ways you have been cut or the bruises you bear, but I care. We can never truly “understand” but need only love. While it is wonderful if someone understands, it is better if they care.
Each of us knows a particular sorrow, but we all know the pain of loneliness and the hurt of dreams deferred. We could resolve not to dream, but that is not wise. We could resolve not to feel, but that is not practical. By never speaking we could withdraw from the dangers of miscommunication, but that is not human. It seems so simple—no dreams no waking horrors, no feelings no hurt, no misunderstanding no discord. Isolation is a natural answer, but it is spiritual suicide.
If we choose not to risk we loose ever so subtly, the sharp edge to our faith. Over time we become people whose lives are as bland as our dreamless nights. Over time we become the boring but safe people who squash the dreams of others and tell them they should be “realistic.” Over time we may convince ourselves that we are the only unhappy souls in the world. We may even come to believe that a tasteless existence is really contentment. It is not. It is a numb, anesthetized, existence that falls short of living. It is a coma.
Self-deceit would rather ask nothing of God than wrestle with the answers he does or does not give. Isolation would rather resolve to need no one than risk failed relationships—even failed friendships. Because that is what it will come to if we never make peace with the loneliness. If it is suppressed, it may one day explode.
If ever we withdraw behind our carefully constructed barricades and for fear of disappointment relinquish hope, we shut out wife, husband and all living things. That is the danger—numbness not only to the hopes and dreams we harbored in our youth, but numbness to all dreams and hopes that life naturally cultivates.
Years of loneliness can warp our thinking and sap our strength. In time we may imagine that over that dune and the next dune is nothing more than sun, sand—and loneliness. So many of you have shared with me you felt lonely and alone in your loneliness. You have been very kind in telling me that my honesty eased your loneliness. I want to tell you that you were never alone. Alone is what the desert makes us feel, but we are not alone.
Indeed not only do I suffer the same trials, but also many of those you encounter weekly as you suffer in silence. How do I know? They have written and told me—a stranger—what they were afraid to tell you. And you have written and told me—a stranger—what you were afraid to tell them. Perhaps some of you felt comfortable with me because I had opened my heart and because you need not look me in the eyes and fear my rebuke. I have encouraged everyone that they are not alone, but want to add one last charge: break the silence! Open up and let someone in. And if someone speaks to you, listen between the lines for the pain that words cannot express.
Be a safe harbor for hurting hearts. Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2). You may find the comfort you have enjoyed here—in knowing my heart—closer than expected. Perhaps someone near you is waiting for you to break the silence and live by honesty. It is the surest turn in our healing to understand that we are not alone, that we share a common sorrow, a common longing, which is not our own private nightmare.
It is the Enemy’s greatest tool to cripple us, to isolate us in our loneliness. He then attempts to convince us that all the whispers and all the laughter is about us—that we are diseased or damaged and that everyone we meet knows it. But it is not true. He is a liar and the Father of Lies. There is no truth in him (John 8:44). Our greatest weapon is the faith we have been given in a God who loved us enough to rescue us “while we were still sinners” (Rom. 5:8). Our greatest weapon against the isolation is to confess both our love of God and our genuine longing to a living, breathing, person who can touch us and restore us in love.
Beware! Not everyone loves honesty. Those who have already given up hope will not want their memories stirred, will not want the embers poked. They fear disappointment. I fear disappointment. For some, who have found peace in simple answers, the complexity of a real God who acts in ways we do not understand and cannot explain will be too much. But if ever the Christian community is to rise above the charge of “hypocrite” we must come out of the shadows and honestly state that we are content but not satisfied.
Here, I will start: “Hi. My name is Hudson and I am lonely.”
Now you. ...
Source: crosswalk
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