(by Bethany Torode)
The tall, slim young man sauntered next to me down the hallway. I paused to pull on my gloves, and he stopped.
“Hey,” he smiled. “We have the same gloves.”
He held out his hands to reveal baby-blue gardening gloves. I looked down at my own; yes, they were baby-blue fleece.
“My friends tease me about them.” He didn’t sound embarrassed. This is one secure man, I noted, able to comfortably wear and discuss powder blue gloves with a first date.
He shrugged. “They were on clearance at Wal-Mart so I couldn’t resist.”
In the movies, love unfolds as easily as a rose blooming. In real life, when you find yourself falling in love, questions and doubts are par for the course. You are beginning an identity crisis — contemplating two becoming one — and nobody warns you how scary it can be.
Yes, Boundless readers, you know this man. He ended up becoming my husband, and he is a self-disclosed thrift junkie . I must confess that, in this case, I was grateful for his cheapness. God used it to bless our relationship with a touch of humorous reassurance.
* * *
A few months into our relationship, which was long-distance, I struggled with the gravity of what was unfolding. My freedom was at stake, and I wasn’t going to pursue the relationship unless I was fairly certain we were headed toward marriage.
This seems to be a common struggle around three months, at which point many people I know have broken up. In the movies, love unfolds as easily as a rose blooming. In real life, when you find yourself falling in love, questions and doubts are par for the course. You are beginning an identity crisis — contemplating two becoming one — and nobody warns you how scary it can be.
Yet some moments are like the movies. For example, romantic plots are often peppered with providential signs. Why? Because the best movie elements inevitably mirror something in reality, and falling in love seems to be a special occasion for God to pull out some surprises.
During my early struggling, I wrote a poem for Sam that compared his presence to an apple tree. I didn’t want to send it until I was fairly sure I could follow through on my implications (wanting to rest in his shade for the rest of my life). After a particularly angst-filled class period, I was praying and walking down a hallway of my college when a bright poster caught my eye.
It was covered with apples and had the word COMMITMENT emblazoned across the top. I laughed and felt peace settle over me. On closer examination, I couldn’t figure out why apples or the word commitment had been chosen to illustrate the message, which had something to do with engineering.
A few months later, after we were engaged, I found myself alone in a foreign country on an extended missions trip, surrounded by good-looking young men who I could no longer interact with as a single female. Devoid of the warmth of my fiance’s presence and love, I fought a crush on a great guy I worked with named Mark. It began to lessen after a few weeks. One day our group was riding in a crazy Mexican bus with a Spanish saying decaled over the front windshield. Not being fluent, I asked Mark what it said.
He smiled. “He can’t love you the way I love you.” I flushed at the time and missed the meaning. Only later did I realize God’s affirmation of what I finally realized: Mark couldn’t love me the way Sam did.
* * *
"Full experiences of God can never be planned or achieved,” a rabbi once said. “They are spontaneous moments of grace, almost accidental.”
This is especially true of signs. The ones I’ve been given were never in response to a request, and the times when I’ve asked for one I’ve never gotten what I wanted. God is not a pop machine that we put prayers into like quarters, and out comes the Mountain Dew. He is a Person who is full of surprises and gifts.
He speaks in many ways, but we can’t always hear him. The closer we stick to him, the better our spiritual “hearing” will be — yet the less we’ll care about signs. In the Gospels, Jesus sighs “deeply in his spirit” at the foolish generation that craves signs rather than relationship with him. In Luke 11 he says that no sign but Himself will be given. Christ is truly all we need; His love mysteriously abides in us through both our struggles and our joys. In the Gospels, when He does perform miracles, He always tells people, “Your faith has healed you.” The sign is given when their love is already apparent.
When we seek signs, it tends to be nothing more than superstition. “If the light turns green in three seconds, that means I should ask Sarah out.” Or “I’m just going to open up the Bible, and the verse my finger points to is what I need to hear.” (The Puritans used this method for naming their children and came up with such enduring classics as Increase and Concupiscence.) Some people develop a pathological obsession with signs, which is not the fruit of a healthy relationship with God, and can become a dance with the devil (i.e. ouiji boards and magic 8 balls). Satan is far happier to comply with our expectations, messing with our minds and perceptions to confuse us.
Evidences of a divine sign are creativity, humor and an afterglow of peace. A friend of mine was engaged to a foreign exchange student from Denmark, and they were disagreeing and praying about where to settle, his homeland or hers. After finally relinquishing the matter to God, she awoke the next morning and went to her job on a farm. When she opened the barn door, she was greeted by the words NEW HOLLAND, a brand of tractor she had never previously paid attention to. She burst out laughing, and felt a new peace.
Perhaps the best evidence of a sign’s truth is confirmation from other Christians. My family and friends (at least the ones I trusted) affirmed that Sam was a good fit for me. When a friend of mine met her would-be husband for the first time on a mission trip, she had an uncanny sense of her future mate standing before her. After talking to this familiar stranger for three hours, she went to her room and told her roommate, “I think I just met my husband.” Her roommate was surprisingly unfazed, and made an observation that is still apparent to anyone who meets the couple today: “You have the same gentleness in your faces.”
* * *
Not every relationship involves a sign, because not everyone needs them. My mom and dad met in seventh grade and dated on and off for years; they didn’t experience any signs that I know of, and they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary next year. I knew a college student who truly believed his future wife would be revealed to him by a sign involving angels. It never appeared, and in the meantime he fell in love with his best friend, to whom he is now happily married.
"Does a man remember the first time he held in his arms the strange woman who was to be his wife, and heard that he was loved?” ponders Mike Mason in The Mystery of Marriage. “More astounding, still, did he realize then that those words issued not only from the woman herself but from the Lord? Surely the love of others is intended to be one of the clearest of all signs to us that we are indeed loved by God. For whoever truly loves, loves the Lord, and whoever is loved is loved by the Lord."
Romantic love itself is a sign of God’s love for us.
Source: Boundless
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Broken Engagement Blues
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
My fiancée broke up with me. She returned the ring and told me she couldn't marry me. It has been three weeks and I cannot shake her from my heart or my mind.
She said God was leading her away from me, but after talking to her recently she now says that she just isn't ready to settle down and needs to be selfish. What I don't understand is that she says she still loves me. She says she isn't good enough for me and that she can't be the Godly woman I need.
I am so broken and confused. I understand that this is the Lord's will, but I don't know how to proceed. In my heart she is my wife and I can't even imagine thinking of her as anything else, or considering someone else. I am depressed and nothing can keep my mind off of her. The Lord is my strength and I know that He is in control, but as hard as I fight for His joy I just can't find it.
What do I do?
REPLY
Your question launched me back 20 years, driving home from a weekend visit with my girlfriend, stinging from her news that the most serious relationship in which I'd ever been involved was over. We weren't engaged, but all signs leading up to that weekend pointed in that direction.
In what seemed like an instant, she went from "in love" to "out of love," and sent me home with my head spinning and my heart crushed. That day and the following few months now seem like a mere blip on the radar, but in the moment it felt like an eternity of ache that would never go away.
When a relationship ends as yours has, it is a "death" in your heart. You'll go through stages similar to that of any grieving process. You'll probably experience a mixture of denial ("this isn't a breakup, just a break!"), anger ("how dare she!"), bargaining ("I wonder what I could change about myself to bring the relationship back to life?"), depression ("what's the point of even getting out of bed?") and eventually acceptance ("OK. It's time to take a step forward").
I'm no psychiatrist, but most of the significant grief I've experienced, and have witnessed others experience, go through various levels of these stages (and not necessarily in that order). It was certainly true of my own loss of a treasured relationship, and since then of many other significant losses.
That's what psychiatry tells us, anyway, and I think it helps inform the emotions that come at you in waves. At the very least you can assure yourself that you're not losing your mind.
We don't want to stop at psychiatry, though. We want to walk with God through the whole process, seek His heart on the matter and let Him work it out for His glory and our good, which takes transformation, not just information.
It is my conviction that God wants to use every life experience, whether good or bad from our view, as a catalyst to draw us into deeper intimacy with Him and give us hope. Let me say it again so you are clear on this: God wants to use what you are currently experiencing to reveal more of Himself to you. Some moments in life seem more conducive to seeking and finding God as a real, present and powerful friend. Whether you are willing is entirely up to you.
You are, without a doubt, suffering. Yes, on the suffering scale things could be much worse and are for many other people. But this is where God has you at this moment, and you have a choice. You can either enter into this wilderness with Him, or go it alone. In your head you know God is your shelter and sustainer; now He wants you to experience it.
Here's what I suggest. Get a journal and start praying and writing. Start off by writing a prayer to the Father, telling Him that you want to embrace all He has for you through this season (if that is the case, and I hope it is). Carry your journal with you and start writing down what is going on in your heart throughout the day, and as you write, give those thoughts and feelings over to Christ, writing those prayers down. Review your journal at the end of each week and pray through your experiences, asking God to "enlighten the eyes of your heart to know the hope to which He has called you."
You will be amazed at what God will do, not so much to change your circumstances, but to open your eyes to His reality in, and sovereignty over, your current life season. That's what He did for me during my heartbreak, and what He has done countless times since then.
I can make you this promise: if you will seek God in this, you will find Him and be satisfied beyond words. Remember though, this won't happen overnight. All grief is different, so be patient and let God do His thorough work. You can't see it now, but there will come a day when your ashes turn beautiful.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
My fiancée broke up with me. She returned the ring and told me she couldn't marry me. It has been three weeks and I cannot shake her from my heart or my mind.
She said God was leading her away from me, but after talking to her recently she now says that she just isn't ready to settle down and needs to be selfish. What I don't understand is that she says she still loves me. She says she isn't good enough for me and that she can't be the Godly woman I need.
I am so broken and confused. I understand that this is the Lord's will, but I don't know how to proceed. In my heart she is my wife and I can't even imagine thinking of her as anything else, or considering someone else. I am depressed and nothing can keep my mind off of her. The Lord is my strength and I know that He is in control, but as hard as I fight for His joy I just can't find it.
What do I do?
REPLY
Your question launched me back 20 years, driving home from a weekend visit with my girlfriend, stinging from her news that the most serious relationship in which I'd ever been involved was over. We weren't engaged, but all signs leading up to that weekend pointed in that direction.
In what seemed like an instant, she went from "in love" to "out of love," and sent me home with my head spinning and my heart crushed. That day and the following few months now seem like a mere blip on the radar, but in the moment it felt like an eternity of ache that would never go away.
When a relationship ends as yours has, it is a "death" in your heart. You'll go through stages similar to that of any grieving process. You'll probably experience a mixture of denial ("this isn't a breakup, just a break!"), anger ("how dare she!"), bargaining ("I wonder what I could change about myself to bring the relationship back to life?"), depression ("what's the point of even getting out of bed?") and eventually acceptance ("OK. It's time to take a step forward").
I'm no psychiatrist, but most of the significant grief I've experienced, and have witnessed others experience, go through various levels of these stages (and not necessarily in that order). It was certainly true of my own loss of a treasured relationship, and since then of many other significant losses.
That's what psychiatry tells us, anyway, and I think it helps inform the emotions that come at you in waves. At the very least you can assure yourself that you're not losing your mind.
We don't want to stop at psychiatry, though. We want to walk with God through the whole process, seek His heart on the matter and let Him work it out for His glory and our good, which takes transformation, not just information.
It is my conviction that God wants to use every life experience, whether good or bad from our view, as a catalyst to draw us into deeper intimacy with Him and give us hope. Let me say it again so you are clear on this: God wants to use what you are currently experiencing to reveal more of Himself to you. Some moments in life seem more conducive to seeking and finding God as a real, present and powerful friend. Whether you are willing is entirely up to you.
You are, without a doubt, suffering. Yes, on the suffering scale things could be much worse and are for many other people. But this is where God has you at this moment, and you have a choice. You can either enter into this wilderness with Him, or go it alone. In your head you know God is your shelter and sustainer; now He wants you to experience it.
Here's what I suggest. Get a journal and start praying and writing. Start off by writing a prayer to the Father, telling Him that you want to embrace all He has for you through this season (if that is the case, and I hope it is). Carry your journal with you and start writing down what is going on in your heart throughout the day, and as you write, give those thoughts and feelings over to Christ, writing those prayers down. Review your journal at the end of each week and pray through your experiences, asking God to "enlighten the eyes of your heart to know the hope to which He has called you."
You will be amazed at what God will do, not so much to change your circumstances, but to open your eyes to His reality in, and sovereignty over, your current life season. That's what He did for me during my heartbreak, and what He has done countless times since then.
I can make you this promise: if you will seek God in this, you will find Him and be satisfied beyond words. Remember though, this won't happen overnight. All grief is different, so be patient and let God do His thorough work. You can't see it now, but there will come a day when your ashes turn beautiful.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
Scripture Dishonors Women?
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I find it difficult to understand why woman have been given such a degrading position in the Bible. In Judges 19 for example — A guy tosses out the woman to be raped so his guests would not be touched. Then there is no admonishment toward him for doing it. Even Esther was about her one night with the king. Ruth was another example.
Women's value seems totally placed on child bearing. I know this was a different era but God's word should still be applicable for today. What if you aren't a wife or a mother?
I don't want to be a pastor; I'm not a feminist, but I struggle to find why women have been given such a lowly place in God's word. It's all about how great men are and how silly and abused women are. The OT is bad enough; the NT isn't much better. Women come across as foolish. I just want to try to understand.
By the way — Why didn't Deborah make the hall of faith in the Bible?
I love God and His word very much. I know I'm not the only God-fearing woman who doesn't understand. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks & God Bless
REPLY
For starters, if you want to try to show that women have been given a degrading position in the Bible, you're going to have to find some different examples than the ones you listed.
If you had read Judges 20, you would have discovered the raping of the woman in chapter 19 was considered such an atrocity it caused a massive war in retaliation, resulting in a huge dead body count (mostly males), and in which the offending tribe was thoroughly pummeled by God — on behalf of a woman.
Esther's life is so heroic her story is canonized in Scripture! She is clearly presented as anything but a one night stand with the king. She is a symbol of Christ, a woman whom God used to deliver His people the Israelites from impending doom. She answered a call from God to marry the man He had chosen for her and weaved her heroic actions with His divine sovereignty to bring rescue to His people and glory to His name — through a woman.
Ruth (another woman whose life is canonized) refused to abandon her widowed mother-in-law, pledging to care for her until death. God honors Ruth's sacrificial love and courage by bringing her an amazing husband and turns her tragedy into triumph. It's a beautiful, redemptive love story of two people whose descendants included David and the Son of God, no less — because of the courage of a woman.
The Hebrews hall of faith (Hebrews 11) is a.) not an exhaustive list of heroes, but rather a highlight of a few important headlines of Jewish history, and b.) includes two women (Sarah and Rahab) and c.) also mentions Barak, whom without Deborah would have never made the list. Again, Deborah proves the exact opposite of your point about the degrading position of women in the Bible. A nervous and scared man, Barak, is led into victory by Deborah — an Israeli prophet, judge and yes, woman. (The war ends, by the way, with a tent peg being driven into the head of the bad guy by, guess who? — a woman!)
Every woman you listed proves the exact opposite of your point. Scripture records for us the heroic and courageous actions of many women. That fact is even more remarkable given the cultural context in which much of the body of Scripture takes place is patriarchal. Not only are women mentioned, but many of them are honored for their heroism and devotion to God. There are way too many for me to list here.
But the very best way to see what God thinks about women (or anything) is to watch the life of Christ. He was God in flesh-and-bones. He lived a perfect life. His treatment of people is perfect. Every woman He interacted with was done so with unspeakable affection and flawless perfection. As you read the gospels, do you get any indication whatsoever that He degrades women, or that He sees women as silly or foolish? Even with just a cursory reading I think you'll find just the opposite.
Far from being degraded, lowly, abused, or seen as foolish and silly, women play an extraordinarily prominent role in the life and ministry of Christ. Women followed Him everywhere, and why shouldn't they? He heals them. He protects them. He defends them. He weeps with them. Even in death, He cares for them.
You say you're not a feminist, and I believe you. But somewhere along the way you picked up a dose of secular feminist thinking about the Bible and probably didn't even realize it. Pray for discernment as you interact with Scripture (and as you hear others talk about Scripture). Like Mary Magdalene (the first person to whom the resurrected Jesus revealed Himself) and countless others, you will discover throughout those pages the most pro-woman Person in the universe.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I find it difficult to understand why woman have been given such a degrading position in the Bible. In Judges 19 for example — A guy tosses out the woman to be raped so his guests would not be touched. Then there is no admonishment toward him for doing it. Even Esther was about her one night with the king. Ruth was another example.
Women's value seems totally placed on child bearing. I know this was a different era but God's word should still be applicable for today. What if you aren't a wife or a mother?
I don't want to be a pastor; I'm not a feminist, but I struggle to find why women have been given such a lowly place in God's word. It's all about how great men are and how silly and abused women are. The OT is bad enough; the NT isn't much better. Women come across as foolish. I just want to try to understand.
By the way — Why didn't Deborah make the hall of faith in the Bible?
I love God and His word very much. I know I'm not the only God-fearing woman who doesn't understand. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks & God Bless
REPLY
For starters, if you want to try to show that women have been given a degrading position in the Bible, you're going to have to find some different examples than the ones you listed.
If you had read Judges 20, you would have discovered the raping of the woman in chapter 19 was considered such an atrocity it caused a massive war in retaliation, resulting in a huge dead body count (mostly males), and in which the offending tribe was thoroughly pummeled by God — on behalf of a woman.
Esther's life is so heroic her story is canonized in Scripture! She is clearly presented as anything but a one night stand with the king. She is a symbol of Christ, a woman whom God used to deliver His people the Israelites from impending doom. She answered a call from God to marry the man He had chosen for her and weaved her heroic actions with His divine sovereignty to bring rescue to His people and glory to His name — through a woman.
Ruth (another woman whose life is canonized) refused to abandon her widowed mother-in-law, pledging to care for her until death. God honors Ruth's sacrificial love and courage by bringing her an amazing husband and turns her tragedy into triumph. It's a beautiful, redemptive love story of two people whose descendants included David and the Son of God, no less — because of the courage of a woman.
The Hebrews hall of faith (Hebrews 11) is a.) not an exhaustive list of heroes, but rather a highlight of a few important headlines of Jewish history, and b.) includes two women (Sarah and Rahab) and c.) also mentions Barak, whom without Deborah would have never made the list. Again, Deborah proves the exact opposite of your point about the degrading position of women in the Bible. A nervous and scared man, Barak, is led into victory by Deborah — an Israeli prophet, judge and yes, woman. (The war ends, by the way, with a tent peg being driven into the head of the bad guy by, guess who? — a woman!)
Every woman you listed proves the exact opposite of your point. Scripture records for us the heroic and courageous actions of many women. That fact is even more remarkable given the cultural context in which much of the body of Scripture takes place is patriarchal. Not only are women mentioned, but many of them are honored for their heroism and devotion to God. There are way too many for me to list here.
But the very best way to see what God thinks about women (or anything) is to watch the life of Christ. He was God in flesh-and-bones. He lived a perfect life. His treatment of people is perfect. Every woman He interacted with was done so with unspeakable affection and flawless perfection. As you read the gospels, do you get any indication whatsoever that He degrades women, or that He sees women as silly or foolish? Even with just a cursory reading I think you'll find just the opposite.
Far from being degraded, lowly, abused, or seen as foolish and silly, women play an extraordinarily prominent role in the life and ministry of Christ. Women followed Him everywhere, and why shouldn't they? He heals them. He protects them. He defends them. He weeps with them. Even in death, He cares for them.
You say you're not a feminist, and I believe you. But somewhere along the way you picked up a dose of secular feminist thinking about the Bible and probably didn't even realize it. Pray for discernment as you interact with Scripture (and as you hear others talk about Scripture). Like Mary Magdalene (the first person to whom the resurrected Jesus revealed Himself) and countless others, you will discover throughout those pages the most pro-woman Person in the universe.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
What Can a Girl Do?
(by Candice Z. Watters)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
Actually, in this case, it's questions plural. We received multiple versions of the same query. Here are a few examples:
- What does a girl do when she likes someone?
Well, typically, she gets chatty, even giggly, around him, smiles a lot and makes a lot of eye contact. Often she'll be the one asking him lots of questions and showing intense interest in what he says.
- Should I wait until a guy makes it crystal clear that he is interested or should I give signals that I am interested so that he may continue to move forward?
It's unlikely that you're not giving him any signals at all. When your heart starts leaning toward a man, it's virtually impossible not to give signals that you like him.
- While I feel that guys should make the first moves in wooing a girl, I find myself having to hint to the guy that I like him. How do I know if he feels the same way about me?
If you have to ask, he probably doesn't. Guys, like girls, tend to show their affection naturally. Even if he hasn't asked you out yet, or talked to your Dad about courting you, if he pays more attention to you than other girls in the room, sits next to you when the opportunity arises or asks you to sit next to him, and asks you questions that draw you out and seems genuinely interested in what you're saying, he probably likes you. If you respond in kind, and he's secure, he'll likely initiate a more formal relationship. Just be patient. It's his job to lead and if you jump the gun, assuming this role, you'll be establishing an unsettling pattern.
- What does a girl do when she's attracted to a guy friend who has awesome character, a great relationship with God, and generally seems to be everything she'd want in a guy (including available)? How does a girl gracefully let him know she's interested and would like him to pursue her?
It's likely you've already let him know you're interested (see answer #2). Whether it's been graceful, I wouldn't know without observing. I do love the book Pride and Prejudice for examples of what's graceful and what's not. Remarkably, Jane Austen captured the dance of courtship with universal characters — some who do it well and some who stumble all over the floor while stepping on their partner's toes. Nearly 200 years later, I find the story more relevant than ever.
- How should a woman let a man know she's interested without being too aggressive? I do believe that men need to take the lead in relationships, but these days most men don't seem to want to take the risk unless they are "guaranteed" success. Do my signals need to be stronger?
You're right that men want to know you won't let them fall flat on their face. So be kind. Be approachable. Ask him questions about himself: what he likes and what he hopes to become. It's likely you're already doing all this; more or stronger wouldn't necessarily be better. Unless you are painfully shy, chances are he knows you're interested. Now it's up to him to act on that knowledge.
- It seems like girls need to let guys know they're interested, but if a guy isn't intuitive enough to see that you're interested (partly from all of those overly friendly girls), what can you do to let them know?
Smile, be kind, find out what he's into and explore it yourself. Then you'll have something in common to talk about (and you'll get a glimpse of what he likes to think about). What you shouldn't do is ask him out.
- How can I communicate interest appropriately? I'm a friendly person, so how is someone to differentiate between my friendly self and my interested self?
Guys just know. You exude an aura when you like someone. Maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's just the way you glow, but something about you virtually announces "I'm interested" without much effort on your part. As long as you're not doing anything to suggest you don't like him, I think it's safe to say he knows.
In most cases a guy who isn't doing his own part to express interest probably isn't that into you. Yes, there are some exceptions. You may be too shy and send signals that you're not approachable (like occupying the wall in a group setting with your arms tightly folded across your chest). If that's the case, getting some help from a mentor is a great place to start.
When in doubt, read the owner's manual. The Bible gives the best advice for relating to men as single women: be kind and practice brotherly love (Romans 12:10; 1 Peter 3:8).
Sincerely,
Candice Watters
Making Right Decissions
How do you know the right decision to make when your choices are not black and white? Do you, like me, find that question one of the toughest to answer?
Sometimes I think it would be much easier if all my decisions were black or white, right or wrong, evil or good. In a sense those are the easy decisions. The hard ones for me are those decisions where I must choose between options that are neither good nor bad, or perhaps they are all good, but I can choose only one. How can I know which choice is the best one, the one God would have me make?
Do you ever wish God would come down and write on your walls to let you know just exactly what you should do? That would seem to make it easy. But actually God has done something better than that. He has given us the capability of knowing His thoughts and having His mind. Here is a passage from 1 Corinthians 2 which tells us this:
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us...We have the mind of Christ.
Now, what this tells us is pretty exciting, when you stop to think about it. We see in Romans 8:9 that each of us who have been born from above has God's Spirit within us. This passage in 1 Corinthians tells us that because we have God's Spirit within us, we can know God's thoughts because the Spirit of God is the One who knows the thoughts of God. And, just to be certain we didn't miss his point, the Apostle Paul spells it out clearly: We have the mind of Christ.
To me that means that the thoughts which go through my head, my thinking processes and reasoning powers, as they are controlled by the Spirit of God that is within me, can be God's thoughts. Therefore, as I face these tough decisions, I can turn to the mind of Christ that is within me to give me God's thoughts, so that I can make the right decision.
Wow, that's powerful theology! If we Christians really learned to take advantage of this great truth, what a difference we would see in our lives. Just to think we have the capability because of the Spirit of God who is within us to know what God thinks, to actually think His thoughts. And if I can know what God thinks, then decisions don't baffle me any longer because I can turn to His mind which is within me and trust those reasoning processes to lead me to right and good decisions.
Does that mean that when I became a Christian, automatically all my thoughts became God's thoughts? No, because until we reach heaven, we have two natures to deal with. This new nature given to us when we were born from above, gives us the Spirit of God and the mind of Christ. But also we still have our old nature which was born in sin and is still prone to sin. My thoughts will be controlled by one of these two natures, whichever one has the greatest control in my life.
Now, if I really want to have the mind of Christ operating within me so that my thoughts will be God's thoughts, then I have to make certain that I continually allow the new nature indwelled by the Spirit of Christ to control me in ever-increasing measure. How do I do that? By feeding the new nature and starving the old one. It really is just that simple. The one that you nourish is the one that will control you.
Which of your natures do you nourish the most? Do you spend time feeding that new spiritual nature with the Word of God, with good books, with good fellowship and messages? Or do you spend more time feeding the old nature with the world's messages, the world's literature? Do you pursue things that have no eternal value, or are you focused on storing up treasures in heaven?
If you are earnestly and diligently pursuing a knowledge of God, feeding that new nature and starving the old one, then you are more and more allowing the mind of Christ to control your thoughts. Therefore, as you face decisions, you don't need handwriting on the wall; you can trust God to reveal His thoughts to you through the mind of Christ, which is within you.
The difficulty arises as we try to ascertain which thoughts are God's thoughts generated by the Spirit of God and which ones are coming from our old sinful nature, for though we may be starving the old nature, it can get back into the act pretty easily.
I have developed a helpful exercise to help me test my thinking, so that I can have a biblical basis for analyzing my decisions. It's based on James 3:17 which says: But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. This verse gives us a very clear description of God's thoughts; it identifies the characteristics of His wisdom. So, if we hold our thinking and reasoning up to this verse and compare the results, then we have good insight into the origin of our thoughts.
Let me use an example to illustrate how to use James 3:17 in making right decisions. Let's say you have an opportunity to take a new job, but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do or not. Begin by writing down the decision you face: Should I accept this new job? Then write down what your options are. In this case they are fairly simple: Yes or No. Then use James 3:17 to test the results or consequences of each of your options. So, you ask yourself this series of questions concerning each option you have, and make notes as you go. Using our example, this is how that works:
1. The first test is purity.
God's wisdom is always pure. That means the decision would not lead you into any kind of impurity in your lifestyle, would not take you into unnecessary temptation, would not continually subject you to circumstances that would bring you down spiritually. Would this new job have any of these characteristics? What's the environment like? What would be expected of you? Does it pass the purity test? Write down your answer.
2. Peace-loving–or peaceable is the second criteria.
God's wisdom will lead us into a peaceable state of mind. I don't mean we won't know pressure or stress, but we will know an inner peace when we have God's thoughts. I find this one a very important test, for the more my relationship with God is on solid ground, the more I know His peace. And when my spirit within me is not at peace for some reason, then I'm fairly certain I don't yet have the mind of Christ. So you have to ask yourself if you have peace about this new job. And also, would the new job bring unrest and lack of peace into your life?
3. Considerate is the next checkpoint.
Using our example, you would ask yourself, if I take this new job, would it be inconsiderate of someone else to do so? Perhaps it would demand much more of your time and you wouldn't be able to keep other commitments you've made–to your family, your friends, your church, etc. Or perhaps it would free up some of your time and allow you to be more considerate of others.
4. The next thing James tells us about God's wisdom is that it is submissive.
Now here we really have to stop and take some inventory in our lives. Is there some area where we haven't allowed God's Spirit to control us? Is there something we've subconsciously been saying "Hand's off, Lord. Don't touch this." It may not necessarily be some outright sinful practice; perhaps it's not bad in itself, but nonetheless we've retained the control of that thing in our lives and refused to submit it.
If any areas of disobedience are resident in our lives, it will cause a roadblock to knowing the mind of Christ. It may be totally unrelated to the decision at hand, but that lack of submission could be the thing that's keeping us from knowing the right choice to make. In order to have the thoughts of God, the Spirit of God must have total control.
5. Is it full of mercy and good fruit?
God's wisdom will lead us to decisions that develop and encourage mercy toward others and all the good fruits of the Spirit of God within us. Paul tells young Timothy that he should pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness, and to be rich in good deeds. Will this new job be a hindrance to our pursuit of these important eternal things? Key question.
6. Impartial and sincere are our last criteria.
I think these relate to our motives. Which way are we leaning in this decision? Why are we leaning that way? Is it just because we want to make more money? That would be a motive you would have to look at carefully because Jesus told us we can't serve God and Money. Motives are tough to deal with sometimes. I often say to the Lord, "Underneath all this mess, Lord, is a heart that really wants to do your will." Sometimes I feel I can't even decipher my own motives. But God's Spirit within us can do that, and we have to keep coming back to our motivation. Are we leaning one way or another for the right or wrong reasons?
If we take ourselves through James' checkpoints as found in chapter 3, verse 17, we'll have done some pretty deep and serious thinking. I truly believe that this will in most cases give us the assurance of what the mind of Christ is concerning the decision we face.
If you find that you're still troubled and can't know the right choice, then perhaps it's lack of faith on your part. Faith to believe that God really wants to give you His thoughts; faith to believe that you can indeed have the mind of Christ. In the first chapter of James we read that when we ask for wisdom, we must believe and not doubt, because the person who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. To have doubts that God can and will give us His mind is to be double-minded and unstable in all our ways, James says.
Certainly our enemy Satan does not want us to know how to allow the mind of Christ to control us. So, if he can't get us any other way, he'll put doubts in our mind. We go through the process of James 3:17, and make a decision and then start to doubt that God has really spoken to us. At some point we must take our stand on God's Word and say to our enemy: "Look, Satan, God has said He has given me the mind of Christ, and He has promised me His wisdom. I refuse to doubt that I have been given His wisdom; I will not be double-minded. I believe I have the mind of Christ in this matter, so I resist you and order you to leave me alone."
I want to assure you that God did not leave us down here to grope around in the dark, taking our best guesses at the decisions facing us, hoping they'll turn out okay. He left us with all we need to make good decisions. We have the mind of Christ and we can know the thoughts of God. Are you willing to allow the Spirit of God to so control you that your thinking processes and decision making will be guided by the mind of Christ which is within you? If so, you will more and more be confident about making right decisions, because you will more and more have the mind of Christ on the issues you face. That's the secret to making right decisions.
Source: ChristianWorkingWoman
Sometimes I think it would be much easier if all my decisions were black or white, right or wrong, evil or good. In a sense those are the easy decisions. The hard ones for me are those decisions where I must choose between options that are neither good nor bad, or perhaps they are all good, but I can choose only one. How can I know which choice is the best one, the one God would have me make?
Do you ever wish God would come down and write on your walls to let you know just exactly what you should do? That would seem to make it easy. But actually God has done something better than that. He has given us the capability of knowing His thoughts and having His mind. Here is a passage from 1 Corinthians 2 which tells us this:
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us...We have the mind of Christ.
Now, what this tells us is pretty exciting, when you stop to think about it. We see in Romans 8:9 that each of us who have been born from above has God's Spirit within us. This passage in 1 Corinthians tells us that because we have God's Spirit within us, we can know God's thoughts because the Spirit of God is the One who knows the thoughts of God. And, just to be certain we didn't miss his point, the Apostle Paul spells it out clearly: We have the mind of Christ.
To me that means that the thoughts which go through my head, my thinking processes and reasoning powers, as they are controlled by the Spirit of God that is within me, can be God's thoughts. Therefore, as I face these tough decisions, I can turn to the mind of Christ that is within me to give me God's thoughts, so that I can make the right decision.
Wow, that's powerful theology! If we Christians really learned to take advantage of this great truth, what a difference we would see in our lives. Just to think we have the capability because of the Spirit of God who is within us to know what God thinks, to actually think His thoughts. And if I can know what God thinks, then decisions don't baffle me any longer because I can turn to His mind which is within me and trust those reasoning processes to lead me to right and good decisions.
Does that mean that when I became a Christian, automatically all my thoughts became God's thoughts? No, because until we reach heaven, we have two natures to deal with. This new nature given to us when we were born from above, gives us the Spirit of God and the mind of Christ. But also we still have our old nature which was born in sin and is still prone to sin. My thoughts will be controlled by one of these two natures, whichever one has the greatest control in my life.
Now, if I really want to have the mind of Christ operating within me so that my thoughts will be God's thoughts, then I have to make certain that I continually allow the new nature indwelled by the Spirit of Christ to control me in ever-increasing measure. How do I do that? By feeding the new nature and starving the old one. It really is just that simple. The one that you nourish is the one that will control you.
Which of your natures do you nourish the most? Do you spend time feeding that new spiritual nature with the Word of God, with good books, with good fellowship and messages? Or do you spend more time feeding the old nature with the world's messages, the world's literature? Do you pursue things that have no eternal value, or are you focused on storing up treasures in heaven?
If you are earnestly and diligently pursuing a knowledge of God, feeding that new nature and starving the old one, then you are more and more allowing the mind of Christ to control your thoughts. Therefore, as you face decisions, you don't need handwriting on the wall; you can trust God to reveal His thoughts to you through the mind of Christ, which is within you.
The difficulty arises as we try to ascertain which thoughts are God's thoughts generated by the Spirit of God and which ones are coming from our old sinful nature, for though we may be starving the old nature, it can get back into the act pretty easily.
I have developed a helpful exercise to help me test my thinking, so that I can have a biblical basis for analyzing my decisions. It's based on James 3:17 which says: But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. This verse gives us a very clear description of God's thoughts; it identifies the characteristics of His wisdom. So, if we hold our thinking and reasoning up to this verse and compare the results, then we have good insight into the origin of our thoughts.
Let me use an example to illustrate how to use James 3:17 in making right decisions. Let's say you have an opportunity to take a new job, but you're not sure if it's the right thing to do or not. Begin by writing down the decision you face: Should I accept this new job? Then write down what your options are. In this case they are fairly simple: Yes or No. Then use James 3:17 to test the results or consequences of each of your options. So, you ask yourself this series of questions concerning each option you have, and make notes as you go. Using our example, this is how that works:
1. The first test is purity.
God's wisdom is always pure. That means the decision would not lead you into any kind of impurity in your lifestyle, would not take you into unnecessary temptation, would not continually subject you to circumstances that would bring you down spiritually. Would this new job have any of these characteristics? What's the environment like? What would be expected of you? Does it pass the purity test? Write down your answer.
2. Peace-loving–or peaceable is the second criteria.
God's wisdom will lead us into a peaceable state of mind. I don't mean we won't know pressure or stress, but we will know an inner peace when we have God's thoughts. I find this one a very important test, for the more my relationship with God is on solid ground, the more I know His peace. And when my spirit within me is not at peace for some reason, then I'm fairly certain I don't yet have the mind of Christ. So you have to ask yourself if you have peace about this new job. And also, would the new job bring unrest and lack of peace into your life?
3. Considerate is the next checkpoint.
Using our example, you would ask yourself, if I take this new job, would it be inconsiderate of someone else to do so? Perhaps it would demand much more of your time and you wouldn't be able to keep other commitments you've made–to your family, your friends, your church, etc. Or perhaps it would free up some of your time and allow you to be more considerate of others.
4. The next thing James tells us about God's wisdom is that it is submissive.
Now here we really have to stop and take some inventory in our lives. Is there some area where we haven't allowed God's Spirit to control us? Is there something we've subconsciously been saying "Hand's off, Lord. Don't touch this." It may not necessarily be some outright sinful practice; perhaps it's not bad in itself, but nonetheless we've retained the control of that thing in our lives and refused to submit it.
If any areas of disobedience are resident in our lives, it will cause a roadblock to knowing the mind of Christ. It may be totally unrelated to the decision at hand, but that lack of submission could be the thing that's keeping us from knowing the right choice to make. In order to have the thoughts of God, the Spirit of God must have total control.
5. Is it full of mercy and good fruit?
God's wisdom will lead us to decisions that develop and encourage mercy toward others and all the good fruits of the Spirit of God within us. Paul tells young Timothy that he should pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness, and to be rich in good deeds. Will this new job be a hindrance to our pursuit of these important eternal things? Key question.
6. Impartial and sincere are our last criteria.
I think these relate to our motives. Which way are we leaning in this decision? Why are we leaning that way? Is it just because we want to make more money? That would be a motive you would have to look at carefully because Jesus told us we can't serve God and Money. Motives are tough to deal with sometimes. I often say to the Lord, "Underneath all this mess, Lord, is a heart that really wants to do your will." Sometimes I feel I can't even decipher my own motives. But God's Spirit within us can do that, and we have to keep coming back to our motivation. Are we leaning one way or another for the right or wrong reasons?
If we take ourselves through James' checkpoints as found in chapter 3, verse 17, we'll have done some pretty deep and serious thinking. I truly believe that this will in most cases give us the assurance of what the mind of Christ is concerning the decision we face.
If you find that you're still troubled and can't know the right choice, then perhaps it's lack of faith on your part. Faith to believe that God really wants to give you His thoughts; faith to believe that you can indeed have the mind of Christ. In the first chapter of James we read that when we ask for wisdom, we must believe and not doubt, because the person who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. To have doubts that God can and will give us His mind is to be double-minded and unstable in all our ways, James says.
Certainly our enemy Satan does not want us to know how to allow the mind of Christ to control us. So, if he can't get us any other way, he'll put doubts in our mind. We go through the process of James 3:17, and make a decision and then start to doubt that God has really spoken to us. At some point we must take our stand on God's Word and say to our enemy: "Look, Satan, God has said He has given me the mind of Christ, and He has promised me His wisdom. I refuse to doubt that I have been given His wisdom; I will not be double-minded. I believe I have the mind of Christ in this matter, so I resist you and order you to leave me alone."
I want to assure you that God did not leave us down here to grope around in the dark, taking our best guesses at the decisions facing us, hoping they'll turn out okay. He left us with all we need to make good decisions. We have the mind of Christ and we can know the thoughts of God. Are you willing to allow the Spirit of God to so control you that your thinking processes and decision making will be guided by the mind of Christ which is within you? If so, you will more and more be confident about making right decisions, because you will more and more have the mind of Christ on the issues you face. That's the secret to making right decisions.
Source: ChristianWorkingWoman
Monday, May 19, 2008
Where is My Happily Ever After?
(By Belinda Elliott)
On the surface, author Trish Ryan was a successful thirty-something. She enjoyed her career as a lawyer, drove a nice car, and had plenty of dates. Yet something was not quite right. Even with her accomplishments, she did not feel fulfilled.
Ryan went through one disastrous relationship after another trying to find Mr. Right, including a brief marriage to an emotionally abusive man that left her living in hiding and fearing for her life.
At the same time, she was searching the spiritual realm to find any answers she could to explain why she was not happy. Her search led her into New Age practices.
“I’ve been to Mass, church, service, temple, Sacred Circle, Dance of the Inner Woman, and a ceremony to mark the movement of Jupiter into my second house,” Ryan writes in her book, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: A Memoir of Finding Faith, Hope, and Happily Ever After.
“I’ve had my astrological chart done, my palm read, my energy evaluated, and my wristwatch scanned for psychic potential. … All of these experiences were interesting, but none of them came through with the results they promised; none of them worked.”
It left her feeling like a failure.
"It’s an interesting culture in the New Age because if you admit that things aren’t really working, it’s seen as unspiritual for you,” Ryan says. “If it’s not working, there is this overriding sense that you’re just not getting it. You must not be meditating enough. You must not be transcending enough. So I couldn’t deny that relationship after relationship was failing and I still was just as miserable, but I genuinely thought the problem was me.”
Then one day Ryan was driving when she heard a voice tell her to “take Jesus seriously.” She had never before considered the Bible as an answer to her problems.
“I had sort of accepted this idea that Christianity was this patriarchal religion that was horrible to women and I never explored it on my own,” Ryan says. “People just told me that’s how it was. So when it came time to explore spiritual paths, I crossed that off the list.”
She began to wonder if perhaps it was time to check out Jesus for herself. She started exploring Christianity by watching author and Bible teacher Joyce Meyer on television. She also hesitantly visited a local church. She remembers wanting to see what Christians were like, but she was afraid of how she might be received by them.
“I thought Christians had special spiritual detectors and that they’d see right through me,” she says. “I thought they would judge me.”
But she came away from the visit impressed by their friendliness and how they all seemed to be genuinely happy.
“I wanted what they had, but I didn’t want to tell anybody,” she writes. “I wanted to edge up on Jesus to see what He might have to say.”
As she learned more about the Bible and how Jesus instructs Christians to live, she realized there were things in her life that would need to change. For instance, God’s Word called for purity and abstinence in dating relationships.
“I am the only person I know whose salvation story begins with a direct request to stop fornicating,” Ryan writes in her book.
Through the support of the Christians she met, she learned what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus. As it turns out, she says, her New Age disciplines proved to be useful in preparing her for her newfound faith.
“I think God has really redeemed a lot of my New Age practices to help me figure out who He is and Truth,” Ryan says. “I think if I had not looked at Jesus as my big brother, I would have had no grid for Jesus as my Savior. And if I hadn’t had all those years of reading all those New Age books first thing in the morning, I wouldn’t have had my Bible time all carved out for me.”
In addition to wanting to learn how to live out her Christian faith, she also had another big request for Jesus: she still wanted a husband.
“One of the things that surprised me when I started following Jesus,” Ryan says, “is how many of his believers didn’t seem to think it was okay to ask for a husband. I really felt more and more as I dove into the Bible, I didn’t see any evidence that God would not bring his daughters husbands. From one end to the other if women needed husbands, God provided. I mean Ruth got two! The whole point of that story is a love story that God will provide for you. I think if God has put this on your heart, seek Him for that.”
In the end, God did provide a husband for her. She is now happily married to Steve, a Christian that she met in a small group Bible study. It is the fairytale ending that she had always hoped for. Most of all, she says, when she turned to Christ she found the peace and contentment that she had been searching for through the years.
She encourages other spiritual seekers to seriously consider what Jesus offers them.
“One of my dreams is that this book will open up the possibility that if you are searching through Buddhism and Taoism and all these other things, put Jesus on the table. He makes some claims and offers that no other spiritual path does, but you won’t know that until you dive in,” Ryan says. “And you might not find it in a conversation with your friend who’s a Christian. You might have to dive into the Bible and explore it for yourself. I was blown away by what I found in the Bible.”
Her book is not only a good introduction to the Christian faith for seekers, but it is an eye-opening account of what it is like for non-believers as they begin their walk toward Jesus. With candid humor she writes about how odd Christians seemed to her at first, how she was surprised to discover the Bible is full of advice about romance, how foreign the concepts of grace, sin, and salvation were to her, and how she struggled with turning her sexuality back on once she married after months of keeping it off.
Her story should encourage us as Christians to be sensitive to where seekers are in their spiritual journeys. Sometimes non-believers can be confused by the “churchy” language that we use, or they may feel pressured to make decisions about their faith before they are truly ready.
“I work with a class called “Seek” where we work with a lot of people who are on the front end of exploring faith. The one thing I’ve really learned is when I push, people push back and it doesn’t end well,” Ryan says.
It is important to realize, she says, that God may be working in people’s lives even when it doesn’t appear that way. And just as Scripture tells us that it is the Holy Spirit that draws people to God, Christians can trust God to work in people’s lives more than their persuasive arguments.
“As I look at my story, it wasn’t any persuasive conversation anyone had with me that made me turn to Jesus, it was God,” Ryan says. “It was God speaking in my life and sort of translating things and saying, ‘Hey, this is how this applies to your life.’”
Source: CBN
On the surface, author Trish Ryan was a successful thirty-something. She enjoyed her career as a lawyer, drove a nice car, and had plenty of dates. Yet something was not quite right. Even with her accomplishments, she did not feel fulfilled.
Ryan went through one disastrous relationship after another trying to find Mr. Right, including a brief marriage to an emotionally abusive man that left her living in hiding and fearing for her life.
At the same time, she was searching the spiritual realm to find any answers she could to explain why she was not happy. Her search led her into New Age practices.
“I’ve been to Mass, church, service, temple, Sacred Circle, Dance of the Inner Woman, and a ceremony to mark the movement of Jupiter into my second house,” Ryan writes in her book, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: A Memoir of Finding Faith, Hope, and Happily Ever After.
“I’ve had my astrological chart done, my palm read, my energy evaluated, and my wristwatch scanned for psychic potential. … All of these experiences were interesting, but none of them came through with the results they promised; none of them worked.”
It left her feeling like a failure.
"It’s an interesting culture in the New Age because if you admit that things aren’t really working, it’s seen as unspiritual for you,” Ryan says. “If it’s not working, there is this overriding sense that you’re just not getting it. You must not be meditating enough. You must not be transcending enough. So I couldn’t deny that relationship after relationship was failing and I still was just as miserable, but I genuinely thought the problem was me.”
Then one day Ryan was driving when she heard a voice tell her to “take Jesus seriously.” She had never before considered the Bible as an answer to her problems.
“I had sort of accepted this idea that Christianity was this patriarchal religion that was horrible to women and I never explored it on my own,” Ryan says. “People just told me that’s how it was. So when it came time to explore spiritual paths, I crossed that off the list.”
She began to wonder if perhaps it was time to check out Jesus for herself. She started exploring Christianity by watching author and Bible teacher Joyce Meyer on television. She also hesitantly visited a local church. She remembers wanting to see what Christians were like, but she was afraid of how she might be received by them.
“I thought Christians had special spiritual detectors and that they’d see right through me,” she says. “I thought they would judge me.”
But she came away from the visit impressed by their friendliness and how they all seemed to be genuinely happy.
“I wanted what they had, but I didn’t want to tell anybody,” she writes. “I wanted to edge up on Jesus to see what He might have to say.”
As she learned more about the Bible and how Jesus instructs Christians to live, she realized there were things in her life that would need to change. For instance, God’s Word called for purity and abstinence in dating relationships.
“I am the only person I know whose salvation story begins with a direct request to stop fornicating,” Ryan writes in her book.
Through the support of the Christians she met, she learned what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus. As it turns out, she says, her New Age disciplines proved to be useful in preparing her for her newfound faith.
“I think God has really redeemed a lot of my New Age practices to help me figure out who He is and Truth,” Ryan says. “I think if I had not looked at Jesus as my big brother, I would have had no grid for Jesus as my Savior. And if I hadn’t had all those years of reading all those New Age books first thing in the morning, I wouldn’t have had my Bible time all carved out for me.”
In addition to wanting to learn how to live out her Christian faith, she also had another big request for Jesus: she still wanted a husband.
“One of the things that surprised me when I started following Jesus,” Ryan says, “is how many of his believers didn’t seem to think it was okay to ask for a husband. I really felt more and more as I dove into the Bible, I didn’t see any evidence that God would not bring his daughters husbands. From one end to the other if women needed husbands, God provided. I mean Ruth got two! The whole point of that story is a love story that God will provide for you. I think if God has put this on your heart, seek Him for that.”
In the end, God did provide a husband for her. She is now happily married to Steve, a Christian that she met in a small group Bible study. It is the fairytale ending that she had always hoped for. Most of all, she says, when she turned to Christ she found the peace and contentment that she had been searching for through the years.
She encourages other spiritual seekers to seriously consider what Jesus offers them.
“One of my dreams is that this book will open up the possibility that if you are searching through Buddhism and Taoism and all these other things, put Jesus on the table. He makes some claims and offers that no other spiritual path does, but you won’t know that until you dive in,” Ryan says. “And you might not find it in a conversation with your friend who’s a Christian. You might have to dive into the Bible and explore it for yourself. I was blown away by what I found in the Bible.”
Her book is not only a good introduction to the Christian faith for seekers, but it is an eye-opening account of what it is like for non-believers as they begin their walk toward Jesus. With candid humor she writes about how odd Christians seemed to her at first, how she was surprised to discover the Bible is full of advice about romance, how foreign the concepts of grace, sin, and salvation were to her, and how she struggled with turning her sexuality back on once she married after months of keeping it off.
Her story should encourage us as Christians to be sensitive to where seekers are in their spiritual journeys. Sometimes non-believers can be confused by the “churchy” language that we use, or they may feel pressured to make decisions about their faith before they are truly ready.
“I work with a class called “Seek” where we work with a lot of people who are on the front end of exploring faith. The one thing I’ve really learned is when I push, people push back and it doesn’t end well,” Ryan says.
It is important to realize, she says, that God may be working in people’s lives even when it doesn’t appear that way. And just as Scripture tells us that it is the Holy Spirit that draws people to God, Christians can trust God to work in people’s lives more than their persuasive arguments.
“As I look at my story, it wasn’t any persuasive conversation anyone had with me that made me turn to Jesus, it was God,” Ryan says. “It was God speaking in my life and sort of translating things and saying, ‘Hey, this is how this applies to your life.’”
Source: CBN
The Beauty of a Commonplace Life
(by Nathan Zacharias)
I lead a pretty normal life. Every morning, Monday through Friday, I get up and go to work, but only after an epic battle with the alarm clock. At work I quietly go about my business, making phone calls, sending e-mails and so on. At 4:30 I shut down my computer, get in the car and go home. My evenings are spent with family or friends, and by watching a little TV. Somewhere in the day I'll find time to visit Chick-Fil-A or Starbucks.
On the weekend I'll stay up a little later and sleep in a little longer. I'll attempt to do some writing, relax with friends and family some more, and I'll still visit Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I'm not exactly making global headlines. And that, at times, has been something I've struggled with.
It's not that I have this huge desire for fame and fortune. Well, the fortune part would be nice, but that's beside the point. I've always been someone who is a little more comfortable when I'm behind the scenes. I've also been someone who longs to be able to try and make a difference in this world. But I'm not speaking to packed auditoriums, I'm not a CEO, I'm not a star athlete, and I'm not putting my life on the line by defending my country in hostile settings. I've witnessed the way God can use those gifts and positions to help change the world. And there have been many times where I've struggled with feeling like my simple life is not accomplishing very much in the big picture.
In his essay, The Poppies in the Corn, F.W. Boreham finds inspiration in a poppy field he saw as a boy in Beachy Head, UK. As he recalls the field, he talks of the strikingly crimson poppies splashed upon the backdrop of the cornfields. In a beautiful and vivid way, Boreham beautifully describes the scarlet color of the poppies and the way they catch the eye of anyone passing by.
But then he draws a powerful lesson from this sight. Yes, the poppies are the ones that seem to make the biggest impact on those taking in the scenic view. But quickly the viewer realizes that the poppies' color is made radiant because of the golden color of the cornfields. Their strengths compliment each other. They are "equally lovely," in Boreham's words, and they both need each other. Alone, they both lose some of their radiance. Together, they cause people to simply stop and look.
The same holds true for the roles God gives each one of us. Some of us are the poppies that make the initial impact. Some of us are the golden cornfields that surround, support, and help the poppy stand out. Neither side belittles the other, but rather, they help the other shine.
It's a beautiful and powerful illustration from the English preacher. But sometimes, it can still be a difficult truth to believe. My grandfather was one such doubter.
My grandfather, Lindsay Reynolds, was a good man. To say that is probably one of the greatest understatements anyone could ever make. But it's difficult to find the words to adequately describe the man who is my hero.
Grandpa was small in stature, but big in courage and loyalty. He fought bravely in World War II in his early 20s, and when he returned, he worked hard and served at the same company until he retired. He was quiet with his words, because he let the twinkle in his eye and the strength of his character do the talking for him. He didn't make millions, but he had a heart of gold. He served my grandmother and their four daughters every way he knew how, and they meant more to him than anything else in the world. And before he passed away, he made sure my grandmother knew that when he spoke his last words: "I love you."
Perhaps the most surprising thing about my grandfather is that he had no clue just how wonderfully he led his life. In fact, in many ways he felt himself a failure. But nothing could be further from the truth. And as he battled cancer in the final months of his life, God used that time to help him see just how much he meant to so many people.
He received numerous letters and cards from those who wanted to let him know just how much his example, his friendship, and his life had meant to them. Some were from people he knew very well. Others were like the woman from the church he and my grandmother attended, who thanked him for helping her with her coat by the entrance one day as she prepared to go out into the cold.
We don't have to make headlines to be a success in life. It's not the news we make or the attention we get that determines whether or not we are making a difference in this world. It's the cause we serve. God has created each and every one of us, and he's given us very specific gifts that He will use to help further His kingdom. For some, it's the responsibility of success and using that to represent the Faith in the public eye. For others, it's the duty to support and encourage those on the front lines. As Boreham said, one is not greater than the other. It is a team effort.
And ultimately, each of us has the chance to make a difference every day. It's not in the awards we win; it's in the character we hold to in our day to day lives. My grandfather helped me see that professional achievements aren't what make the difference in the world. It's living a life that strives to honor the Lord, even when no one else is watching. When you help someone put their coat on, you may be helping them with a lot more than you realize.
A commonplace life, we say and we sigh,
But why should we sigh as we say?
The commonplace sun and the commonplace sky
Makes up the commonplace day.
The moon and the stars are commonplace things,
And the flower that blooms and the bird that sings;
But dark were the world and sad our lot,
If the flowers failed and the sun shone not.
And God who studies each separate soul
Out of the commonplace lives makes His beautiful whole.
—Anonymous
Source: Boundless
I lead a pretty normal life. Every morning, Monday through Friday, I get up and go to work, but only after an epic battle with the alarm clock. At work I quietly go about my business, making phone calls, sending e-mails and so on. At 4:30 I shut down my computer, get in the car and go home. My evenings are spent with family or friends, and by watching a little TV. Somewhere in the day I'll find time to visit Chick-Fil-A or Starbucks.
On the weekend I'll stay up a little later and sleep in a little longer. I'll attempt to do some writing, relax with friends and family some more, and I'll still visit Chick-Fil-A and Starbucks. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I'm not exactly making global headlines. And that, at times, has been something I've struggled with.
It's not that I have this huge desire for fame and fortune. Well, the fortune part would be nice, but that's beside the point. I've always been someone who is a little more comfortable when I'm behind the scenes. I've also been someone who longs to be able to try and make a difference in this world. But I'm not speaking to packed auditoriums, I'm not a CEO, I'm not a star athlete, and I'm not putting my life on the line by defending my country in hostile settings. I've witnessed the way God can use those gifts and positions to help change the world. And there have been many times where I've struggled with feeling like my simple life is not accomplishing very much in the big picture.
In his essay, The Poppies in the Corn, F.W. Boreham finds inspiration in a poppy field he saw as a boy in Beachy Head, UK. As he recalls the field, he talks of the strikingly crimson poppies splashed upon the backdrop of the cornfields. In a beautiful and vivid way, Boreham beautifully describes the scarlet color of the poppies and the way they catch the eye of anyone passing by.
But then he draws a powerful lesson from this sight. Yes, the poppies are the ones that seem to make the biggest impact on those taking in the scenic view. But quickly the viewer realizes that the poppies' color is made radiant because of the golden color of the cornfields. Their strengths compliment each other. They are "equally lovely," in Boreham's words, and they both need each other. Alone, they both lose some of their radiance. Together, they cause people to simply stop and look.
The same holds true for the roles God gives each one of us. Some of us are the poppies that make the initial impact. Some of us are the golden cornfields that surround, support, and help the poppy stand out. Neither side belittles the other, but rather, they help the other shine.
It's a beautiful and powerful illustration from the English preacher. But sometimes, it can still be a difficult truth to believe. My grandfather was one such doubter.
My grandfather, Lindsay Reynolds, was a good man. To say that is probably one of the greatest understatements anyone could ever make. But it's difficult to find the words to adequately describe the man who is my hero.
Grandpa was small in stature, but big in courage and loyalty. He fought bravely in World War II in his early 20s, and when he returned, he worked hard and served at the same company until he retired. He was quiet with his words, because he let the twinkle in his eye and the strength of his character do the talking for him. He didn't make millions, but he had a heart of gold. He served my grandmother and their four daughters every way he knew how, and they meant more to him than anything else in the world. And before he passed away, he made sure my grandmother knew that when he spoke his last words: "I love you."
Perhaps the most surprising thing about my grandfather is that he had no clue just how wonderfully he led his life. In fact, in many ways he felt himself a failure. But nothing could be further from the truth. And as he battled cancer in the final months of his life, God used that time to help him see just how much he meant to so many people.
He received numerous letters and cards from those who wanted to let him know just how much his example, his friendship, and his life had meant to them. Some were from people he knew very well. Others were like the woman from the church he and my grandmother attended, who thanked him for helping her with her coat by the entrance one day as she prepared to go out into the cold.
We don't have to make headlines to be a success in life. It's not the news we make or the attention we get that determines whether or not we are making a difference in this world. It's the cause we serve. God has created each and every one of us, and he's given us very specific gifts that He will use to help further His kingdom. For some, it's the responsibility of success and using that to represent the Faith in the public eye. For others, it's the duty to support and encourage those on the front lines. As Boreham said, one is not greater than the other. It is a team effort.
And ultimately, each of us has the chance to make a difference every day. It's not in the awards we win; it's in the character we hold to in our day to day lives. My grandfather helped me see that professional achievements aren't what make the difference in the world. It's living a life that strives to honor the Lord, even when no one else is watching. When you help someone put their coat on, you may be helping them with a lot more than you realize.
A commonplace life, we say and we sigh,
But why should we sigh as we say?
The commonplace sun and the commonplace sky
Makes up the commonplace day.
The moon and the stars are commonplace things,
And the flower that blooms and the bird that sings;
But dark were the world and sad our lot,
If the flowers failed and the sun shone not.
And God who studies each separate soul
Out of the commonplace lives makes His beautiful whole.
—Anonymous
Source: Boundless
Monday, May 5, 2008
Girls Need Girls
(by Suzanne Hadley)
Female friendships have been celebrated throughout time. Anne had her bosom friend Diana. Elizabeth Bennett had her sister Jane. And DJ Tanner had Kimmie Gibbler.
One of a young girl's first desires is to have a "best friend" — someone who is like her, who shares her dreams, who keeps her secrets. A boy just won't do. When I was 8, my best friend Julie and I spent hours playing house, making strange crafts out of paper towel rolls and staying up late giggling at sleepovers.
The days of childhood sleepovers are gone, but I still crave the feminine connection — a sister and friend to be my advocate, support me in doing the right thing and remind me where my true beauty lies.
The Lord has blessed me with some exceptional friends throughout my life — college buddies, housemates, teammates, coworkers, accountability partners — and many of the most influential have been women. Whether we women are aware of it or not, female friends contribute to our emotional and spiritual lives in a unique and essential way. Even married women need the intimacy and connection that comes from female friendships.
There seems to be a trend toward the rejection of female friends these days. TV often portrays women who hang out with guys as having more sexual power or being somehow above the emotional fray of womanhood. I've often heard a woman say, "I'd rather just have guy friends. I get along better with guys." But friendships with men — as fun as they can be — will never replace the joys and benefits of female friendships.
Friends for the Journey
There are five female friends every woman should have:
The intercessor. Two years ago, Melissa and I began meeting on Thursday nights to fix a meal together and pray. As 20-something career women preparing for marriage, Melissa and I share many of the same life experiences, frustrations and hopes for the future. When we get together, we pray about challenges we're facing, decisions we have to make and God's provision of our future husbands. Even on weeks when we can't get together, we lift the other up in prayer.
There is something sweet and refreshing about having a friend who understands you and can pray for you precisely. And it is encouraging to have someone who is faithful to do it. Whether you are single or married, an intercessor provides essential spiritual support.
The celebrator. When I first met my college roommate, Gretta, I didn't see much friend potential. A spunky brunette with a loud voice and quirky sense of humor, Gretta's personality grated against my reserved, studious self. But in the four years I roomed with Gretta, I came to cherish the way she celebrated life. She was the one who would suggest we go sledding on the hill by the library on a snowy day or go out for ice cream at 10 p.m. during finals week or make up an impromptu jingle to celebrate laundry day.
Gretta not only celebrated with me, she celebrated me. She would write encouraging notes on our mirror or present me with thoughtful, little gifts. I still keep a voicemail that she left me last summer: "Suz. I just read your article, and I had to tell you that I feel like a proud mother or sister or something. I wanted to call up everybody I knew and say, 'My college roommate wrote that!'"
A celebrator helps you enjoy the beautiful moments the Lord provides and rejoices with you.
The encourager. No one encourages me to live for Christ like my friend Sarah. She is constantly pointing out the areas of my life where she sees good fruit. When I make a difficult decision on behalf of Christ, Sarah is the first to affirm my obedience. And when I'm going through a valley, Sarah holds my hand, prays for me and reminds me of God's goodness.
In high school, I heard this anthem from a Mennonite women's college:
Yield not to flirtation
For yielding is sin.
Each sister will help you
Some brother to win.
Strive womanly onward
Dark passions subdued.
Don't chase after boys, girls,
Let them chase after you.
Though my friends and I giggled at the song's lyrics, there is truth in its premise. Female friends help us avoid temptation, encourage us in godly living and may ultimately help us marry well. Women have bridesmaids stand up for them for this very reason.
I love the community found in Song of Songs. The beloved has a circle of female friends who rejoice with her over her betrothed, give her advice and surround her with protection from sexual temptation. Each woman should seek out friends like this who have her best interest — emotionally, physically and spiritually — at heart.
The teacher. I love having lunch with my friend Joan. Even though I was born 20-some years after her, we are likeminded in many ways. I always feel like I'm receiving a full meal of thought when I spend time with Joan.
In Titus 2:3-5, Paul encourages the older women to teach the younger women, specifically in the areas of self-control, purity, industry, kindness and submission. Having at least one seasoned friend who can mentor you is extremely valuable.
A teacher may also come in the form of someone your own age who is excelling in a character trait, life stage or ministry you aspire to. When I spend time with my married friends, I glean valuable knowledge about what makes for a successful marriage.
The questioner. My friend Krishana is a great listener. We meet for breakfast once a week, and she always asks me lots of questions. Not content to let discussions stay on a surface level, she will always dig deeper.
Recently we were discussing boys. I was fixating on whether a certain young man was interested in me. Krishana proceeded to ask me a series of penetrating questions: Is this guy living for Christ? Are there any specific ways the Lord has provided for the relationship? Are you confident this man would help you grow in your walk with the Lord? Instead of indulging my crush, she probed the heart of the matter, redirecting my thinking to a godly channel.
A questioner is not only available to lend an ear but to challenge and exhort when we're getting off track.
Cultivating Female Friendship
I know that many women reading this article have been burned by female friendships. Perhaps you've encountered the gossip, backstabber or fair-weather friend. Maybe you've poured your heart into a friendship only to receive disloyalty in return. You may be thinking, "Why bother?"
Many of the emotional and spiritual intimacies mentioned above are inappropriate between a man and woman who are not married or planning to be married. Forging a close friendship with one guy (or several) is asking for the confusion that accompanies intimacy between sexes.
If you have a bad taste in your mouth regarding friendships with women, ask the Lord to challenge your biases and provide the kind of godly friend you need. Look for a woman who makes her relationship with God a priority. This type of person will be more likely to rise above some of the sin issues that can plague female friendships.
Don't expect perfection. Cultivating friendships with other women requires effort, patience and flexibility. Jenny Schroedel gives this advice in her article "Friendships Among Women:"
Years ago a pastor offered this advice. He said, "Expect nothing from other people." At the time, I thought this was a strange idea. I figured that if you expected nothing, you would get what you expected. Over the years, I've come to see that while I do need to set reasonable goals for myself, I do well to keep my expectations for others modest. If we can break free from high expectations for others, than we are more likely to be able to accept — and enjoy — them as they are.
When it comes to female friends, seek to be the kind of friend you're looking for. Then seek out the intercessor, celebrator, encourager, teacher and questioner. These are the women who will help you grow and be your best. Celebrate feminine friendship. It's a gift.
Source: Boundless
Female friendships have been celebrated throughout time. Anne had her bosom friend Diana. Elizabeth Bennett had her sister Jane. And DJ Tanner had Kimmie Gibbler.
One of a young girl's first desires is to have a "best friend" — someone who is like her, who shares her dreams, who keeps her secrets. A boy just won't do. When I was 8, my best friend Julie and I spent hours playing house, making strange crafts out of paper towel rolls and staying up late giggling at sleepovers.
The days of childhood sleepovers are gone, but I still crave the feminine connection — a sister and friend to be my advocate, support me in doing the right thing and remind me where my true beauty lies.
The Lord has blessed me with some exceptional friends throughout my life — college buddies, housemates, teammates, coworkers, accountability partners — and many of the most influential have been women. Whether we women are aware of it or not, female friends contribute to our emotional and spiritual lives in a unique and essential way. Even married women need the intimacy and connection that comes from female friendships.
There seems to be a trend toward the rejection of female friends these days. TV often portrays women who hang out with guys as having more sexual power or being somehow above the emotional fray of womanhood. I've often heard a woman say, "I'd rather just have guy friends. I get along better with guys." But friendships with men — as fun as they can be — will never replace the joys and benefits of female friendships.
Friends for the Journey
There are five female friends every woman should have:
The intercessor. Two years ago, Melissa and I began meeting on Thursday nights to fix a meal together and pray. As 20-something career women preparing for marriage, Melissa and I share many of the same life experiences, frustrations and hopes for the future. When we get together, we pray about challenges we're facing, decisions we have to make and God's provision of our future husbands. Even on weeks when we can't get together, we lift the other up in prayer.
There is something sweet and refreshing about having a friend who understands you and can pray for you precisely. And it is encouraging to have someone who is faithful to do it. Whether you are single or married, an intercessor provides essential spiritual support.
The celebrator. When I first met my college roommate, Gretta, I didn't see much friend potential. A spunky brunette with a loud voice and quirky sense of humor, Gretta's personality grated against my reserved, studious self. But in the four years I roomed with Gretta, I came to cherish the way she celebrated life. She was the one who would suggest we go sledding on the hill by the library on a snowy day or go out for ice cream at 10 p.m. during finals week or make up an impromptu jingle to celebrate laundry day.
Gretta not only celebrated with me, she celebrated me. She would write encouraging notes on our mirror or present me with thoughtful, little gifts. I still keep a voicemail that she left me last summer: "Suz. I just read your article, and I had to tell you that I feel like a proud mother or sister or something. I wanted to call up everybody I knew and say, 'My college roommate wrote that!'"
A celebrator helps you enjoy the beautiful moments the Lord provides and rejoices with you.
The encourager. No one encourages me to live for Christ like my friend Sarah. She is constantly pointing out the areas of my life where she sees good fruit. When I make a difficult decision on behalf of Christ, Sarah is the first to affirm my obedience. And when I'm going through a valley, Sarah holds my hand, prays for me and reminds me of God's goodness.
In high school, I heard this anthem from a Mennonite women's college:
Yield not to flirtation
For yielding is sin.
Each sister will help you
Some brother to win.
Strive womanly onward
Dark passions subdued.
Don't chase after boys, girls,
Let them chase after you.
Though my friends and I giggled at the song's lyrics, there is truth in its premise. Female friends help us avoid temptation, encourage us in godly living and may ultimately help us marry well. Women have bridesmaids stand up for them for this very reason.
I love the community found in Song of Songs. The beloved has a circle of female friends who rejoice with her over her betrothed, give her advice and surround her with protection from sexual temptation. Each woman should seek out friends like this who have her best interest — emotionally, physically and spiritually — at heart.
The teacher. I love having lunch with my friend Joan. Even though I was born 20-some years after her, we are likeminded in many ways. I always feel like I'm receiving a full meal of thought when I spend time with Joan.
In Titus 2:3-5, Paul encourages the older women to teach the younger women, specifically in the areas of self-control, purity, industry, kindness and submission. Having at least one seasoned friend who can mentor you is extremely valuable.
A teacher may also come in the form of someone your own age who is excelling in a character trait, life stage or ministry you aspire to. When I spend time with my married friends, I glean valuable knowledge about what makes for a successful marriage.
The questioner. My friend Krishana is a great listener. We meet for breakfast once a week, and she always asks me lots of questions. Not content to let discussions stay on a surface level, she will always dig deeper.
Recently we were discussing boys. I was fixating on whether a certain young man was interested in me. Krishana proceeded to ask me a series of penetrating questions: Is this guy living for Christ? Are there any specific ways the Lord has provided for the relationship? Are you confident this man would help you grow in your walk with the Lord? Instead of indulging my crush, she probed the heart of the matter, redirecting my thinking to a godly channel.
A questioner is not only available to lend an ear but to challenge and exhort when we're getting off track.
Cultivating Female Friendship
I know that many women reading this article have been burned by female friendships. Perhaps you've encountered the gossip, backstabber or fair-weather friend. Maybe you've poured your heart into a friendship only to receive disloyalty in return. You may be thinking, "Why bother?"
Many of the emotional and spiritual intimacies mentioned above are inappropriate between a man and woman who are not married or planning to be married. Forging a close friendship with one guy (or several) is asking for the confusion that accompanies intimacy between sexes.
If you have a bad taste in your mouth regarding friendships with women, ask the Lord to challenge your biases and provide the kind of godly friend you need. Look for a woman who makes her relationship with God a priority. This type of person will be more likely to rise above some of the sin issues that can plague female friendships.
Don't expect perfection. Cultivating friendships with other women requires effort, patience and flexibility. Jenny Schroedel gives this advice in her article "Friendships Among Women:"
Years ago a pastor offered this advice. He said, "Expect nothing from other people." At the time, I thought this was a strange idea. I figured that if you expected nothing, you would get what you expected. Over the years, I've come to see that while I do need to set reasonable goals for myself, I do well to keep my expectations for others modest. If we can break free from high expectations for others, than we are more likely to be able to accept — and enjoy — them as they are.
When it comes to female friends, seek to be the kind of friend you're looking for. Then seek out the intercessor, celebrator, encourager, teacher and questioner. These are the women who will help you grow and be your best. Celebrate feminine friendship. It's a gift.
Source: Boundless
Wait Till You're Perfect?
(by Candice Watters)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I had an interesting conversation with two older women of my church. I asked them if they thought that I was ready for marriage yet and they both said "no." They challenged me, asking me if I thought that I was being the "best that I could be" in every area of my life, which of course I had to answer no.
They said that God caused Adam to fall asleep at Eve's creation and it was only after she was complete that God stirred Adam awake and brought the two together. Both Adam and Eve were worked on and formed by God and were complete when they met.
One of the ladies also said, "You need to learn to love yourself before you can ever give your love to another person." The other pointed out that I need to learn how to receive love before I can get married.
I do struggle with low self worth sometimes. I still tend to see myself as the awkward teenager that I was when I was growing up — the one who looked strikingly different and who got bullied on or teased everyday. Even though the outside of me has changed and I'm told the message of "you're beautiful" instead of "you're ugly," I often find myself dealing with those insecurities that manifest themselves in my actions and speech.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not some superbly depressed person, always feeling worthless and like there is no hope for me. God has started the healing process in me. I've started to have a mix of both positive self-image days and negative ones, but thankfully they are not all negative like they used to be. Yet I know that God is still working His refining fire in me.
Something that the ladies said is that I shouldn't take old baggage into a relationship. They said that I should be able to give the very best of myself to my husband and not bring insecurities to him; that my focus should be on loving him in the best way and healthiest way that I can.
I know that there are still several areas that God needs to work on in my life. One of the ladies agreed, however, that she sees a definite change and growing inside of me, even from a few years ago.
My questions then are these:
1. Should a woman totally overcome her insecurities before she gets married (to avoid bringing in that "excess baggage")?
2. We are a constant work in progress and won't ever be perfect this side of Heaven. How can we know that we're ready for marriage — ready to give our husbands "our best" when our best will never be perfect? How can I know that I'm "ready"?
3. What are steps that I can take to become the "best me" that I can be? What should I have marked off the "becoming the best me" checklist and be before I get married?
I hope that you'll be able to help me out. I'm so desirous to grow in every area of my life — for my husband, for myself and of course, for the Lord.
REPLY
I don't know you beyond your e-mail, so I'm reluctant to challenge feedback from women in your church who presumably do. But I also know that if what they'd said was based on Scripture, I'd be more likely to agree with them.
What they said sounds cliché. Their assertion that you should be the "best that you can be" in every area of life before you get married scans like a positive thinking infomercial. It's based on the belief that we are not only perfectible, but also that we can perfect ourselves. It's certainly not rooted in what the Bible says about sin (that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God") and our need for a Savior.
Do you need to learn to love yourself before you can ever give your love to another person? Not according to Scripture. Jesus said "love your neighbor as yourself." This is something you can do immediately. No learning curve required. We're selfish by nature; that's why Jesus made self-love the measure for how we treat others. He knew we would get the shorthand of what He was saying.
The Westminster Shorter Catechism asks, "What is the chief end of man?" and answers, "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." The purpose of our lives is not to self-actualize, but to bring glory to God. How we feel about our looks, or weight, or job, or social life, or any other measure of success on any given day is, in the scope of eternity, irrelevant. Does God want us to be full of joy? Yes. Is that joy dependent on your self-image? Thankfully, no. His joy and peace are among the fruit of the Holy Spirit. They come by giving thanks in all circumstances, praying without ceasing, and cultivating the Holy Spirit's activity in your life. None of this hangs on what kind of "self-image day" we're having. Though I know in my life that the more I practice these spiritual disciplines, the more irrelevant my externals become.
What about their appeal to Adam and Eve as "worked on by God and therefore complete before they met?" It implies that somehow the first couple came "baggage-free" (a pop-psychology favorite). But you need to read only a few verses down to see what failure these "complete" humans were capable of after God was done making them. Beyond the reality that God put Adam to sleep until the surgery was over, and kept Eve that way until she was fully formed in flesh, I don't see any evidence that the two were perfectly ready for marriage, or any other serious undertaking, the way your friends implied. Adam and Eve were, as we are, fully human, with the freedom to obey or not.
I suspect when the two women you spoke with married, they still had growing and maturing to do. I did. And I do believe they meant well.
But what would be more helpful than telling you to stop thinking about marriage till you're perfect is to give specific areas of growth to be working on while you're praying for marriage and being intentional about helping it happen. Offering passages of Scripture for study (Titus 2, and Proverbs 31 for starters), examples of where you fall short on what the Bible requires, and relational support for helping you grow is the kind of mentoring you need. But it shouldn't stop there.
Titus 2:3-5 says:
"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."
This passage suggests that the younger women in need of spiritual nurture and practical training are already married. The passing on of wisdom from the one generation to the next is to take place in the context of marriages already formed. If, as is the case in our culture, the younger women are having trouble finding and marrying godly husbands, then helping them do that should be the first order of business on the older women's to-do lists.
When are you ready for marriage? When you're no longer a child; when you're ready to take on the adult responsibilities that marriage brings. That doesn't mean you can use that as justification for avoiding responsibility ("I'm just not ready"). Unless they're specially gifted for celibate service, Christian men and women should be gearing up for marriage in their early 20s. It's not only their best time for meeting mates, but also their most fertile time for forming families. If you don't feel ready or willing to take on adult responsibility, the solution isn't more passage of time, but likely, accountability from the older believers in your church.
Which brings us back to your dilemma. To get the most help from the women in your Bible study, I think you might need to re-tool your question. Instead of asking, "Do you think I'm ready for marriage?" you might say, "I believe, based on what I read in Scripture, that believers are called either to celibate service or marriage (Matthew 19:11-12). I know from my desires and drives that I'm not specially gifted for celibate service, so what I'm wondering is, based on your understanding of Scripture, what are the things I need to be working on to prepare for the responsibilities that come with marriage and motherhood?"
Then, based on what they answer, you might follow up with, "Would you be willing to pray with me about those areas and pray for me that God would make me more like Him and bring me a godly husband?"
It's not enough to seek out older believers. The goal is mentors who rightly divide the Word. It will be to your benefit and His glory.
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I had an interesting conversation with two older women of my church. I asked them if they thought that I was ready for marriage yet and they both said "no." They challenged me, asking me if I thought that I was being the "best that I could be" in every area of my life, which of course I had to answer no.
They said that God caused Adam to fall asleep at Eve's creation and it was only after she was complete that God stirred Adam awake and brought the two together. Both Adam and Eve were worked on and formed by God and were complete when they met.
One of the ladies also said, "You need to learn to love yourself before you can ever give your love to another person." The other pointed out that I need to learn how to receive love before I can get married.
I do struggle with low self worth sometimes. I still tend to see myself as the awkward teenager that I was when I was growing up — the one who looked strikingly different and who got bullied on or teased everyday. Even though the outside of me has changed and I'm told the message of "you're beautiful" instead of "you're ugly," I often find myself dealing with those insecurities that manifest themselves in my actions and speech.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm not some superbly depressed person, always feeling worthless and like there is no hope for me. God has started the healing process in me. I've started to have a mix of both positive self-image days and negative ones, but thankfully they are not all negative like they used to be. Yet I know that God is still working His refining fire in me.
Something that the ladies said is that I shouldn't take old baggage into a relationship. They said that I should be able to give the very best of myself to my husband and not bring insecurities to him; that my focus should be on loving him in the best way and healthiest way that I can.
I know that there are still several areas that God needs to work on in my life. One of the ladies agreed, however, that she sees a definite change and growing inside of me, even from a few years ago.
My questions then are these:
1. Should a woman totally overcome her insecurities before she gets married (to avoid bringing in that "excess baggage")?
2. We are a constant work in progress and won't ever be perfect this side of Heaven. How can we know that we're ready for marriage — ready to give our husbands "our best" when our best will never be perfect? How can I know that I'm "ready"?
3. What are steps that I can take to become the "best me" that I can be? What should I have marked off the "becoming the best me" checklist and be before I get married?
I hope that you'll be able to help me out. I'm so desirous to grow in every area of my life — for my husband, for myself and of course, for the Lord.
REPLY
I don't know you beyond your e-mail, so I'm reluctant to challenge feedback from women in your church who presumably do. But I also know that if what they'd said was based on Scripture, I'd be more likely to agree with them.
What they said sounds cliché. Their assertion that you should be the "best that you can be" in every area of life before you get married scans like a positive thinking infomercial. It's based on the belief that we are not only perfectible, but also that we can perfect ourselves. It's certainly not rooted in what the Bible says about sin (that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God") and our need for a Savior.
Do you need to learn to love yourself before you can ever give your love to another person? Not according to Scripture. Jesus said "love your neighbor as yourself." This is something you can do immediately. No learning curve required. We're selfish by nature; that's why Jesus made self-love the measure for how we treat others. He knew we would get the shorthand of what He was saying.
The Westminster Shorter Catechism asks, "What is the chief end of man?" and answers, "Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." The purpose of our lives is not to self-actualize, but to bring glory to God. How we feel about our looks, or weight, or job, or social life, or any other measure of success on any given day is, in the scope of eternity, irrelevant. Does God want us to be full of joy? Yes. Is that joy dependent on your self-image? Thankfully, no. His joy and peace are among the fruit of the Holy Spirit. They come by giving thanks in all circumstances, praying without ceasing, and cultivating the Holy Spirit's activity in your life. None of this hangs on what kind of "self-image day" we're having. Though I know in my life that the more I practice these spiritual disciplines, the more irrelevant my externals become.
What about their appeal to Adam and Eve as "worked on by God and therefore complete before they met?" It implies that somehow the first couple came "baggage-free" (a pop-psychology favorite). But you need to read only a few verses down to see what failure these "complete" humans were capable of after God was done making them. Beyond the reality that God put Adam to sleep until the surgery was over, and kept Eve that way until she was fully formed in flesh, I don't see any evidence that the two were perfectly ready for marriage, or any other serious undertaking, the way your friends implied. Adam and Eve were, as we are, fully human, with the freedom to obey or not.
I suspect when the two women you spoke with married, they still had growing and maturing to do. I did. And I do believe they meant well.
But what would be more helpful than telling you to stop thinking about marriage till you're perfect is to give specific areas of growth to be working on while you're praying for marriage and being intentional about helping it happen. Offering passages of Scripture for study (Titus 2, and Proverbs 31 for starters), examples of where you fall short on what the Bible requires, and relational support for helping you grow is the kind of mentoring you need. But it shouldn't stop there.
Titus 2:3-5 says:
"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."
This passage suggests that the younger women in need of spiritual nurture and practical training are already married. The passing on of wisdom from the one generation to the next is to take place in the context of marriages already formed. If, as is the case in our culture, the younger women are having trouble finding and marrying godly husbands, then helping them do that should be the first order of business on the older women's to-do lists.
When are you ready for marriage? When you're no longer a child; when you're ready to take on the adult responsibilities that marriage brings. That doesn't mean you can use that as justification for avoiding responsibility ("I'm just not ready"). Unless they're specially gifted for celibate service, Christian men and women should be gearing up for marriage in their early 20s. It's not only their best time for meeting mates, but also their most fertile time for forming families. If you don't feel ready or willing to take on adult responsibility, the solution isn't more passage of time, but likely, accountability from the older believers in your church.
Which brings us back to your dilemma. To get the most help from the women in your Bible study, I think you might need to re-tool your question. Instead of asking, "Do you think I'm ready for marriage?" you might say, "I believe, based on what I read in Scripture, that believers are called either to celibate service or marriage (Matthew 19:11-12). I know from my desires and drives that I'm not specially gifted for celibate service, so what I'm wondering is, based on your understanding of Scripture, what are the things I need to be working on to prepare for the responsibilities that come with marriage and motherhood?"
Then, based on what they answer, you might follow up with, "Would you be willing to pray with me about those areas and pray for me that God would make me more like Him and bring me a godly husband?"
It's not enough to seek out older believers. The goal is mentors who rightly divide the Word. It will be to your benefit and His glory.
Source: Boundless
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