(by Bethany Torode)
The tall, slim young man sauntered next to me down the hallway. I paused to pull on my gloves, and he stopped.
“Hey,” he smiled. “We have the same gloves.”
He held out his hands to reveal baby-blue gardening gloves. I looked down at my own; yes, they were baby-blue fleece.
“My friends tease me about them.” He didn’t sound embarrassed. This is one secure man, I noted, able to comfortably wear and discuss powder blue gloves with a first date.
He shrugged. “They were on clearance at Wal-Mart so I couldn’t resist.”
In the movies, love unfolds as easily as a rose blooming. In real life, when you find yourself falling in love, questions and doubts are par for the course. You are beginning an identity crisis — contemplating two becoming one — and nobody warns you how scary it can be.
Yes, Boundless readers, you know this man. He ended up becoming my husband, and he is a self-disclosed thrift junkie . I must confess that, in this case, I was grateful for his cheapness. God used it to bless our relationship with a touch of humorous reassurance.
* * *
A few months into our relationship, which was long-distance, I struggled with the gravity of what was unfolding. My freedom was at stake, and I wasn’t going to pursue the relationship unless I was fairly certain we were headed toward marriage.
This seems to be a common struggle around three months, at which point many people I know have broken up. In the movies, love unfolds as easily as a rose blooming. In real life, when you find yourself falling in love, questions and doubts are par for the course. You are beginning an identity crisis — contemplating two becoming one — and nobody warns you how scary it can be.
Yet some moments are like the movies. For example, romantic plots are often peppered with providential signs. Why? Because the best movie elements inevitably mirror something in reality, and falling in love seems to be a special occasion for God to pull out some surprises.
During my early struggling, I wrote a poem for Sam that compared his presence to an apple tree. I didn’t want to send it until I was fairly sure I could follow through on my implications (wanting to rest in his shade for the rest of my life). After a particularly angst-filled class period, I was praying and walking down a hallway of my college when a bright poster caught my eye.
It was covered with apples and had the word COMMITMENT emblazoned across the top. I laughed and felt peace settle over me. On closer examination, I couldn’t figure out why apples or the word commitment had been chosen to illustrate the message, which had something to do with engineering.
A few months later, after we were engaged, I found myself alone in a foreign country on an extended missions trip, surrounded by good-looking young men who I could no longer interact with as a single female. Devoid of the warmth of my fiance’s presence and love, I fought a crush on a great guy I worked with named Mark. It began to lessen after a few weeks. One day our group was riding in a crazy Mexican bus with a Spanish saying decaled over the front windshield. Not being fluent, I asked Mark what it said.
He smiled. “He can’t love you the way I love you.” I flushed at the time and missed the meaning. Only later did I realize God’s affirmation of what I finally realized: Mark couldn’t love me the way Sam did.
* * *
"Full experiences of God can never be planned or achieved,” a rabbi once said. “They are spontaneous moments of grace, almost accidental.”
This is especially true of signs. The ones I’ve been given were never in response to a request, and the times when I’ve asked for one I’ve never gotten what I wanted. God is not a pop machine that we put prayers into like quarters, and out comes the Mountain Dew. He is a Person who is full of surprises and gifts.
He speaks in many ways, but we can’t always hear him. The closer we stick to him, the better our spiritual “hearing” will be — yet the less we’ll care about signs. In the Gospels, Jesus sighs “deeply in his spirit” at the foolish generation that craves signs rather than relationship with him. In Luke 11 he says that no sign but Himself will be given. Christ is truly all we need; His love mysteriously abides in us through both our struggles and our joys. In the Gospels, when He does perform miracles, He always tells people, “Your faith has healed you.” The sign is given when their love is already apparent.
When we seek signs, it tends to be nothing more than superstition. “If the light turns green in three seconds, that means I should ask Sarah out.” Or “I’m just going to open up the Bible, and the verse my finger points to is what I need to hear.” (The Puritans used this method for naming their children and came up with such enduring classics as Increase and Concupiscence.) Some people develop a pathological obsession with signs, which is not the fruit of a healthy relationship with God, and can become a dance with the devil (i.e. ouiji boards and magic 8 balls). Satan is far happier to comply with our expectations, messing with our minds and perceptions to confuse us.
Evidences of a divine sign are creativity, humor and an afterglow of peace. A friend of mine was engaged to a foreign exchange student from Denmark, and they were disagreeing and praying about where to settle, his homeland or hers. After finally relinquishing the matter to God, she awoke the next morning and went to her job on a farm. When she opened the barn door, she was greeted by the words NEW HOLLAND, a brand of tractor she had never previously paid attention to. She burst out laughing, and felt a new peace.
Perhaps the best evidence of a sign’s truth is confirmation from other Christians. My family and friends (at least the ones I trusted) affirmed that Sam was a good fit for me. When a friend of mine met her would-be husband for the first time on a mission trip, she had an uncanny sense of her future mate standing before her. After talking to this familiar stranger for three hours, she went to her room and told her roommate, “I think I just met my husband.” Her roommate was surprisingly unfazed, and made an observation that is still apparent to anyone who meets the couple today: “You have the same gentleness in your faces.”
* * *
Not every relationship involves a sign, because not everyone needs them. My mom and dad met in seventh grade and dated on and off for years; they didn’t experience any signs that I know of, and they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary next year. I knew a college student who truly believed his future wife would be revealed to him by a sign involving angels. It never appeared, and in the meantime he fell in love with his best friend, to whom he is now happily married.
"Does a man remember the first time he held in his arms the strange woman who was to be his wife, and heard that he was loved?” ponders Mike Mason in The Mystery of Marriage. “More astounding, still, did he realize then that those words issued not only from the woman herself but from the Lord? Surely the love of others is intended to be one of the clearest of all signs to us that we are indeed loved by God. For whoever truly loves, loves the Lord, and whoever is loved is loved by the Lord."
Romantic love itself is a sign of God’s love for us.
Source: Boundless
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Broken Engagement Blues
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
My fiancée broke up with me. She returned the ring and told me she couldn't marry me. It has been three weeks and I cannot shake her from my heart or my mind.
She said God was leading her away from me, but after talking to her recently she now says that she just isn't ready to settle down and needs to be selfish. What I don't understand is that she says she still loves me. She says she isn't good enough for me and that she can't be the Godly woman I need.
I am so broken and confused. I understand that this is the Lord's will, but I don't know how to proceed. In my heart she is my wife and I can't even imagine thinking of her as anything else, or considering someone else. I am depressed and nothing can keep my mind off of her. The Lord is my strength and I know that He is in control, but as hard as I fight for His joy I just can't find it.
What do I do?
REPLY
Your question launched me back 20 years, driving home from a weekend visit with my girlfriend, stinging from her news that the most serious relationship in which I'd ever been involved was over. We weren't engaged, but all signs leading up to that weekend pointed in that direction.
In what seemed like an instant, she went from "in love" to "out of love," and sent me home with my head spinning and my heart crushed. That day and the following few months now seem like a mere blip on the radar, but in the moment it felt like an eternity of ache that would never go away.
When a relationship ends as yours has, it is a "death" in your heart. You'll go through stages similar to that of any grieving process. You'll probably experience a mixture of denial ("this isn't a breakup, just a break!"), anger ("how dare she!"), bargaining ("I wonder what I could change about myself to bring the relationship back to life?"), depression ("what's the point of even getting out of bed?") and eventually acceptance ("OK. It's time to take a step forward").
I'm no psychiatrist, but most of the significant grief I've experienced, and have witnessed others experience, go through various levels of these stages (and not necessarily in that order). It was certainly true of my own loss of a treasured relationship, and since then of many other significant losses.
That's what psychiatry tells us, anyway, and I think it helps inform the emotions that come at you in waves. At the very least you can assure yourself that you're not losing your mind.
We don't want to stop at psychiatry, though. We want to walk with God through the whole process, seek His heart on the matter and let Him work it out for His glory and our good, which takes transformation, not just information.
It is my conviction that God wants to use every life experience, whether good or bad from our view, as a catalyst to draw us into deeper intimacy with Him and give us hope. Let me say it again so you are clear on this: God wants to use what you are currently experiencing to reveal more of Himself to you. Some moments in life seem more conducive to seeking and finding God as a real, present and powerful friend. Whether you are willing is entirely up to you.
You are, without a doubt, suffering. Yes, on the suffering scale things could be much worse and are for many other people. But this is where God has you at this moment, and you have a choice. You can either enter into this wilderness with Him, or go it alone. In your head you know God is your shelter and sustainer; now He wants you to experience it.
Here's what I suggest. Get a journal and start praying and writing. Start off by writing a prayer to the Father, telling Him that you want to embrace all He has for you through this season (if that is the case, and I hope it is). Carry your journal with you and start writing down what is going on in your heart throughout the day, and as you write, give those thoughts and feelings over to Christ, writing those prayers down. Review your journal at the end of each week and pray through your experiences, asking God to "enlighten the eyes of your heart to know the hope to which He has called you."
You will be amazed at what God will do, not so much to change your circumstances, but to open your eyes to His reality in, and sovereignty over, your current life season. That's what He did for me during my heartbreak, and what He has done countless times since then.
I can make you this promise: if you will seek God in this, you will find Him and be satisfied beyond words. Remember though, this won't happen overnight. All grief is different, so be patient and let God do His thorough work. You can't see it now, but there will come a day when your ashes turn beautiful.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
My fiancée broke up with me. She returned the ring and told me she couldn't marry me. It has been three weeks and I cannot shake her from my heart or my mind.
She said God was leading her away from me, but after talking to her recently she now says that she just isn't ready to settle down and needs to be selfish. What I don't understand is that she says she still loves me. She says she isn't good enough for me and that she can't be the Godly woman I need.
I am so broken and confused. I understand that this is the Lord's will, but I don't know how to proceed. In my heart she is my wife and I can't even imagine thinking of her as anything else, or considering someone else. I am depressed and nothing can keep my mind off of her. The Lord is my strength and I know that He is in control, but as hard as I fight for His joy I just can't find it.
What do I do?
REPLY
Your question launched me back 20 years, driving home from a weekend visit with my girlfriend, stinging from her news that the most serious relationship in which I'd ever been involved was over. We weren't engaged, but all signs leading up to that weekend pointed in that direction.
In what seemed like an instant, she went from "in love" to "out of love," and sent me home with my head spinning and my heart crushed. That day and the following few months now seem like a mere blip on the radar, but in the moment it felt like an eternity of ache that would never go away.
When a relationship ends as yours has, it is a "death" in your heart. You'll go through stages similar to that of any grieving process. You'll probably experience a mixture of denial ("this isn't a breakup, just a break!"), anger ("how dare she!"), bargaining ("I wonder what I could change about myself to bring the relationship back to life?"), depression ("what's the point of even getting out of bed?") and eventually acceptance ("OK. It's time to take a step forward").
I'm no psychiatrist, but most of the significant grief I've experienced, and have witnessed others experience, go through various levels of these stages (and not necessarily in that order). It was certainly true of my own loss of a treasured relationship, and since then of many other significant losses.
That's what psychiatry tells us, anyway, and I think it helps inform the emotions that come at you in waves. At the very least you can assure yourself that you're not losing your mind.
We don't want to stop at psychiatry, though. We want to walk with God through the whole process, seek His heart on the matter and let Him work it out for His glory and our good, which takes transformation, not just information.
It is my conviction that God wants to use every life experience, whether good or bad from our view, as a catalyst to draw us into deeper intimacy with Him and give us hope. Let me say it again so you are clear on this: God wants to use what you are currently experiencing to reveal more of Himself to you. Some moments in life seem more conducive to seeking and finding God as a real, present and powerful friend. Whether you are willing is entirely up to you.
You are, without a doubt, suffering. Yes, on the suffering scale things could be much worse and are for many other people. But this is where God has you at this moment, and you have a choice. You can either enter into this wilderness with Him, or go it alone. In your head you know God is your shelter and sustainer; now He wants you to experience it.
Here's what I suggest. Get a journal and start praying and writing. Start off by writing a prayer to the Father, telling Him that you want to embrace all He has for you through this season (if that is the case, and I hope it is). Carry your journal with you and start writing down what is going on in your heart throughout the day, and as you write, give those thoughts and feelings over to Christ, writing those prayers down. Review your journal at the end of each week and pray through your experiences, asking God to "enlighten the eyes of your heart to know the hope to which He has called you."
You will be amazed at what God will do, not so much to change your circumstances, but to open your eyes to His reality in, and sovereignty over, your current life season. That's what He did for me during my heartbreak, and what He has done countless times since then.
I can make you this promise: if you will seek God in this, you will find Him and be satisfied beyond words. Remember though, this won't happen overnight. All grief is different, so be patient and let God do His thorough work. You can't see it now, but there will come a day when your ashes turn beautiful.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
Scripture Dishonors Women?
(by John Thomas)
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I find it difficult to understand why woman have been given such a degrading position in the Bible. In Judges 19 for example — A guy tosses out the woman to be raped so his guests would not be touched. Then there is no admonishment toward him for doing it. Even Esther was about her one night with the king. Ruth was another example.
Women's value seems totally placed on child bearing. I know this was a different era but God's word should still be applicable for today. What if you aren't a wife or a mother?
I don't want to be a pastor; I'm not a feminist, but I struggle to find why women have been given such a lowly place in God's word. It's all about how great men are and how silly and abused women are. The OT is bad enough; the NT isn't much better. Women come across as foolish. I just want to try to understand.
By the way — Why didn't Deborah make the hall of faith in the Bible?
I love God and His word very much. I know I'm not the only God-fearing woman who doesn't understand. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks & God Bless
REPLY
For starters, if you want to try to show that women have been given a degrading position in the Bible, you're going to have to find some different examples than the ones you listed.
If you had read Judges 20, you would have discovered the raping of the woman in chapter 19 was considered such an atrocity it caused a massive war in retaliation, resulting in a huge dead body count (mostly males), and in which the offending tribe was thoroughly pummeled by God — on behalf of a woman.
Esther's life is so heroic her story is canonized in Scripture! She is clearly presented as anything but a one night stand with the king. She is a symbol of Christ, a woman whom God used to deliver His people the Israelites from impending doom. She answered a call from God to marry the man He had chosen for her and weaved her heroic actions with His divine sovereignty to bring rescue to His people and glory to His name — through a woman.
Ruth (another woman whose life is canonized) refused to abandon her widowed mother-in-law, pledging to care for her until death. God honors Ruth's sacrificial love and courage by bringing her an amazing husband and turns her tragedy into triumph. It's a beautiful, redemptive love story of two people whose descendants included David and the Son of God, no less — because of the courage of a woman.
The Hebrews hall of faith (Hebrews 11) is a.) not an exhaustive list of heroes, but rather a highlight of a few important headlines of Jewish history, and b.) includes two women (Sarah and Rahab) and c.) also mentions Barak, whom without Deborah would have never made the list. Again, Deborah proves the exact opposite of your point about the degrading position of women in the Bible. A nervous and scared man, Barak, is led into victory by Deborah — an Israeli prophet, judge and yes, woman. (The war ends, by the way, with a tent peg being driven into the head of the bad guy by, guess who? — a woman!)
Every woman you listed proves the exact opposite of your point. Scripture records for us the heroic and courageous actions of many women. That fact is even more remarkable given the cultural context in which much of the body of Scripture takes place is patriarchal. Not only are women mentioned, but many of them are honored for their heroism and devotion to God. There are way too many for me to list here.
But the very best way to see what God thinks about women (or anything) is to watch the life of Christ. He was God in flesh-and-bones. He lived a perfect life. His treatment of people is perfect. Every woman He interacted with was done so with unspeakable affection and flawless perfection. As you read the gospels, do you get any indication whatsoever that He degrades women, or that He sees women as silly or foolish? Even with just a cursory reading I think you'll find just the opposite.
Far from being degraded, lowly, abused, or seen as foolish and silly, women play an extraordinarily prominent role in the life and ministry of Christ. Women followed Him everywhere, and why shouldn't they? He heals them. He protects them. He defends them. He weeps with them. Even in death, He cares for them.
You say you're not a feminist, and I believe you. But somewhere along the way you picked up a dose of secular feminist thinking about the Bible and probably didn't even realize it. Pray for discernment as you interact with Scripture (and as you hear others talk about Scripture). Like Mary Magdalene (the first person to whom the resurrected Jesus revealed Himself) and countless others, you will discover throughout those pages the most pro-woman Person in the universe.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS
I find it difficult to understand why woman have been given such a degrading position in the Bible. In Judges 19 for example — A guy tosses out the woman to be raped so his guests would not be touched. Then there is no admonishment toward him for doing it. Even Esther was about her one night with the king. Ruth was another example.
Women's value seems totally placed on child bearing. I know this was a different era but God's word should still be applicable for today. What if you aren't a wife or a mother?
I don't want to be a pastor; I'm not a feminist, but I struggle to find why women have been given such a lowly place in God's word. It's all about how great men are and how silly and abused women are. The OT is bad enough; the NT isn't much better. Women come across as foolish. I just want to try to understand.
By the way — Why didn't Deborah make the hall of faith in the Bible?
I love God and His word very much. I know I'm not the only God-fearing woman who doesn't understand. Maybe you can help me.
Thanks & God Bless
REPLY
For starters, if you want to try to show that women have been given a degrading position in the Bible, you're going to have to find some different examples than the ones you listed.
If you had read Judges 20, you would have discovered the raping of the woman in chapter 19 was considered such an atrocity it caused a massive war in retaliation, resulting in a huge dead body count (mostly males), and in which the offending tribe was thoroughly pummeled by God — on behalf of a woman.
Esther's life is so heroic her story is canonized in Scripture! She is clearly presented as anything but a one night stand with the king. She is a symbol of Christ, a woman whom God used to deliver His people the Israelites from impending doom. She answered a call from God to marry the man He had chosen for her and weaved her heroic actions with His divine sovereignty to bring rescue to His people and glory to His name — through a woman.
Ruth (another woman whose life is canonized) refused to abandon her widowed mother-in-law, pledging to care for her until death. God honors Ruth's sacrificial love and courage by bringing her an amazing husband and turns her tragedy into triumph. It's a beautiful, redemptive love story of two people whose descendants included David and the Son of God, no less — because of the courage of a woman.
The Hebrews hall of faith (Hebrews 11) is a.) not an exhaustive list of heroes, but rather a highlight of a few important headlines of Jewish history, and b.) includes two women (Sarah and Rahab) and c.) also mentions Barak, whom without Deborah would have never made the list. Again, Deborah proves the exact opposite of your point about the degrading position of women in the Bible. A nervous and scared man, Barak, is led into victory by Deborah — an Israeli prophet, judge and yes, woman. (The war ends, by the way, with a tent peg being driven into the head of the bad guy by, guess who? — a woman!)
Every woman you listed proves the exact opposite of your point. Scripture records for us the heroic and courageous actions of many women. That fact is even more remarkable given the cultural context in which much of the body of Scripture takes place is patriarchal. Not only are women mentioned, but many of them are honored for their heroism and devotion to God. There are way too many for me to list here.
But the very best way to see what God thinks about women (or anything) is to watch the life of Christ. He was God in flesh-and-bones. He lived a perfect life. His treatment of people is perfect. Every woman He interacted with was done so with unspeakable affection and flawless perfection. As you read the gospels, do you get any indication whatsoever that He degrades women, or that He sees women as silly or foolish? Even with just a cursory reading I think you'll find just the opposite.
Far from being degraded, lowly, abused, or seen as foolish and silly, women play an extraordinarily prominent role in the life and ministry of Christ. Women followed Him everywhere, and why shouldn't they? He heals them. He protects them. He defends them. He weeps with them. Even in death, He cares for them.
You say you're not a feminist, and I believe you. But somewhere along the way you picked up a dose of secular feminist thinking about the Bible and probably didn't even realize it. Pray for discernment as you interact with Scripture (and as you hear others talk about Scripture). Like Mary Magdalene (the first person to whom the resurrected Jesus revealed Himself) and countless others, you will discover throughout those pages the most pro-woman Person in the universe.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
Source: Boundless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)