Dating: God's Best or All the Rest?

(By Belinda Elliott)

Sure, maybe he’s not Prince Charming, but he’s a good guy.

I know he loves me, I just wish he’d treat me better sometimes.

Maybe it’s not the best relationship, but what’s the alternative? No one else is asking me out.

What if I can’t find anyone better? At least I’m not alone.

Ever had these thoughts about someone you are dating? I’ve been there. Too many of my friends are finding themselves there now too. I can’t say that I’m an expert on relationships, but if there is one thing that I feel like God taught me during my dating years (and it took about three years too many for me to learn this) it is that you should never settle for less than God’s best.

I’ve read many books about relationships and Christian dating. My favorite one by far is Choosing God's Best by Don Raunikar. His views helped me establish my own standards regarding marriage. I decided that I wanted nothing less than God’s best for me.

What does that mean?

It means if you have doubts about the relationship, if your significant other doesn’t treat you with the upmost respect, if you argue more than you get along, if you constantly find yourself defending him or her to your friends, then end it. I know that sounds harsh, but let me explain my theory on Christian dating.

I do not believe in “soul mates,” necessarily. But I do believe that if you are seeking God’s will about who you date, He will lead you to someone that is a true fit for you. I don’t mean that your future spouse will be perfect or that you will think alike or always agree on everything. That will never happen. But I do believe that if you seek God’s guidance, He will lead you to the person who is going to be the best match for you. I believe that God pairs us up with people that complement the gifts, talents, and personalities that He has given us – if we let Him.

I have found this to be true in my own life. The guys I dated before I began dating my husband were not all bad guys. In fact, most of them had many good qualities. We genuinely cared about each other and had fun together. But in each relationship there were things that didn’t feel quite right.

In some relationships, I found myself compromising some of my values to be more in line with that guy’s. In other relationships, I began to think that some of the things I had wanted in a husband were perhaps more wishful thinking than things that could actually be. Did those caring, sensitive, funny, godly men really exist?

For instance, one guy that I dated was a very nice guy. But although he said his faith was important to him, attending church and reading the Bible were not high on his priority list. I had to ask myself, “Is he really on the same page as me when it comes to my Christian faith?” “If we have children, will it be important to him that they are raised by godly principles and involved in church?” It turns out we were not in sync on these issues, and I decided to end the relationship.

Another guy was also an okay “match” in many ways. But I began to notice subtle patterns that bothered me. His job often seemed more important to him than our relationship, and he would repeatedly put friends or family before me. For someone whose “love language” is spending quality time together, that was a major issue. When friends began to point out other red flags about our relationship, I took some time to seriously seek God’s will on the matter.

I’d been struggling with making a decision about this particular relationship for at least a year. I truly wanted to do what I felt was God’s will, but I also really didn’t want to give up the relationship. It wasn’t until I was fully ready to obey God’s leading, that the answer came. Once I took my fingers out of my ears and agreed to truly hear what God had to say, His answer was quite clear. “No, this is not the one for you.” After that I made the difficult decision to break up with the guy.

Does it hurt to end a relationship? Of course it does. It’s not easy to break up with someone that you have grown close to. But I’m convinced it is much less hurtful than spending your life being miserable in a marriage.

After that relationship, I had come to the end of my dating rope. “I don’t want to fall in love with anyone else until it is ‘the right one,’” I told God. Since I had not done such a great job of choosing relationships on my own, I decided to let God choose the next one. I wouldn’t even consider dating again until I had sought His will about the person and the relationship.

It was after this that God began unfolding the events that led me to start dating Matt, the man that would become my husband. We had met in college and built a solid friendship through the years, but I had not considered him in a romantic way (although he repeatedly let me know that he was somewhat interested in me).

However, once I put God in charge of my love life, a funny thing happened. I began to see in Matt several of those “husband material traits” that I had been searching for with other guys. I ran down the partial list in my head and realized they were all there.

Godly, Christian man? Check.
Capable of being the spiritual leader in the relationship? Check.
Sensitive? Caring? Funny? Check, check, check!

As I began to observe his life and how he interacted with others, as well as how wonderfully he always treated me, I decided that there could really be something here. As I prayed about it, I felt like God gave me permission to pursue it. Later on, when I prayed about the possibility of marriage, God answered that prayer clearly too. The rest is history. We dated for about 10 months before he proposed.

And now, after nearly four years of marriage I am so glad I followed God’s leading. It’s not that my husband and I never disagree, or that we do not get on each other’s nerves periodically, but married life is so much simpler when you know that this is the person that God led you to. With that in mind, we know God will see us through whatever difficulties we face in the future. And as I look back on past relationships, I can see why Matt and I are the best match compared to others we each dated.

Don’t get me wrong, you could probably make your current relationship work. I believe that there are any number of people that we each could marry and make it work – and even be happy. But I also believe that we will be happiest in marriage if we allow God to choose our mate for us. That doesn’t mean waiting for God to drop that person into your lap, or waiting for a flashing neon sign to blink over his or her head identifying that person as “the one.” Instead, it means taking each relationship to God and asking, “Where do You want this relationship to go?”

And the next step is just as important, are you truly willing to abide by God’s answer?

If God’s will is for you to be married, then I believe He wants you to have the best marriage possible. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for who God made you to be, encourage you to grow spiritually and embrace all that God has for you, and cherish you as a precious gift from your Heavenly Father. Don’t settle for less than that.

The question I've posed to my friends lately, and the one I would ask of all Christian singles, is this: Are you willing to wait for God’s best or are you simply settling for all the rest?

Sumber: cbn

Finding a New Normal: I didn’t have to be a Super-Widow

(by Ev Baerg)

I had just turned 19, and I had no idea that I was about to be confronted with a defining moment in my life. A complete stranger said to me, “You’d better watch out, John’s got his eye on you.”

Apparently John had pointed me out to his colleague, and said, “See that girl? I’m taking her home tonight.” He had a plan for me, and because I cooperated, it included a future, and a hope. It was supposed to last forever or at least until we were both in our nineties. However it ended 3 years ago when cancer took his body, and he started his new life in heaven way ahead of schedule.

Ever since I was a little girl I had hoped to be a teacher and to be married. Both of these dreams were realized very early on. Neither one was without its challenges, but they were both a very good fit for who I was. I loved being John’s wife, and I loved teaching people. I stopped teaching school when I was 26, but I found volunteer opportunities where I could teach adults, and I enjoyed that even more. Then, for the last 14 years, John and I had teamed up to bring marriage seminars to couples across Canada.

Living half a life

Soon after his passing, someone asked me, “Has a lot changed for you now?”

Without stopping to think, I answered, “Everything has changed!” At least that is how I felt. Did I still have a meaningful future? What was left to hope for?

John and I had both accepted the fact that when Jesus had died on the cross, He had done it so we could be freed to live forever with him in heaven. That future and that hope were a wonderful comfort. But for many months, the temptation was to believe that my real life here was over.

Since people soon wanted to know how I was coping, it was easy to conclude that learning to cope was essential. I had to keep earning a living, so I showed up at work. I had to have people in my life, so I kept going to church. I accepted pretty well every invitation that was extended to me . I lived one day at a time and even though it was like I was in a fog, doing only the “next thing” that I had to do, I felt I was coping quite well.

Joy and pain can co-exist

What I didn’t expect was that extreme pain and extreme joy could co-exist. I didn’t know that God also had His eye on me and He was going to court me so I would fall in love with Him in a totally new way.

One day I awoke with a song on my mind. I wanted to know what it was, so I sang along with the melody. I realized that it was an old hymn. The words were, “Jesus will walk with me, He will talk with me, In joy or in sorrow, today or tomorrow, I know He will walk with me.” Overwhelmed, I wept at this message of His love, and also because of the love for God that swept over me in response.

Another day, I was listening to a speaker telling us to ask God some questions. He suggested, “Ask God how he sees you right now”. Again I was shocked by the unexpected, for immediately in my mind, I saw a visual of me in the shape of a heart, complete with eyes, arms and legs, but the heart was split almost in two, with jagged edges.

I kept puzzling about why this had occurred until one morning, two days later. God said, 'If you didn't know it was broken, how could you ask Me to heal it?'

“Idon't know,” I thought. “I just expected I would get better eventually. You know, the 'time heals all wounds' kind of thing.” Wounds do heal with time, but breaks – whether in the bone or in the heart -- don't heal properly unless a physician attends to them and sets them first. Then came the question, "Do you want to be healed?”

What a good question! There were times later when I would think that dying might have been a better alternative. But I decided I did. “Yes.” God began that day by carefully putting His hands around my heart and holding the jagged edges together. God is often referred to as “the Great Physician” and that day he set my heart so it could heal.

Finding a new normal

I knew that my life would never be “normal” again. Normal was living with John, laughing with him, eating meals at a table set for two and growing old together. But in time there would be a new normal. There was hope that eventually I would stop feeling like a stranger in my own life. God still had a plan for me.

Over a year later when I felt there was still so much weakness, I worked up the courage to ask God another question. I wondered if I had made any progress. The words that kept coming to me were, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be”. I was neither ahead or behind of God’s schedule. I was right where I was supposed to be. There is so much comfort in that. Not only had God not forgotten about me, but He thought I was okay.

I was amazed. God wasn’t looking for my performance. I didn’t have to be super-widow. He didn’t want me to cope; to self-medicate my pain; or even to just wait for it to go away. He said He would take care of it, and He is doing that. My part is to let Him.

Early on John’s Director at Campus Crusade came to talk to me. I had been a little concerned about what people would expect of me. I had been in ministry for many years. How are Christians supposed to grieve? He said to me, “Ev don’t let us put you on a pedestal. If you need to cry, then go ahead, or if you don’t, then that’s OK too.” It was a wonderful reminder that God didn’t want me to handle my situation in a super-human way. He simply wanted me to let HIM handle it supernaturally. Christians cry too. We grieve and we question, but we do so knowing that God is very close at hand and that there is hope for us, even if we don’t feel like there is.

Life after death

Now at the end of my third year into this journey, He is showing me that I am not too bad at functioning alone. My car still runs, and I haven’t burned my house down. He is showing me that there is life after death. Like before, I sometimes take two steps forward and three steps back, but His amazing acceptance and His love gifts have not stopped. He has kept me safe and healthy, and six months ago He gave me a new granddaughter to love!

These words that I found on a card say it best. “It is when we cannot understand His purpose that we most need to know His love.” One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in the book of Jude 1:21 (LB) where it says, “Keep yourselves where God can love you.”

Do you know the Great Physician who sets broken hearts and holds them while they heal? And if you do, are you letting him love You? If your world is crashing around you, if you look in the mirror and see an unfamiliar life staring back at you, there is hope.

Joy and pain can co-exist. You can find peace and even joy in midst of your circumstances by asking God to fill you with His Spirit. God wants to be our leverage in living, binding-up the broken hearted. You are not alone in this. God has left His Spirit as a deposit on what is to come – the hope of Heaven (2 Cor. 1:22).

Just as our relationship with God depends totally on what God has done through Jesus Christ, so the power to live the Christian life also comes totally from God. To live the Christian life as God intends, we must continually draw upon God's power, through the Holy Spirit. As we allow the Holy Spirit to fill and control us, He will produce godly character in us and enable us to tell others about Christ.

Expressing the Authentic You

(by Christopher Hopkins)

"When how you appear reflects who you are, you are beautiful." - Christopher Hopkins

Not long after my second appearance on Oprah, a woman flew to Minneapolis from Virginia for a makeover. She was a 54-year-old pastor’s wife who had grown her hair for six months to “give me something to work with.” We didn’t click at first.

She seemed to contradict herself, explaining she liked the length but wanted to look classy. She didn’t want a color change (it was salt and pepper), but wanted to look more youthful. She wanted easy care and to look natural, but she enjoyed setting it in hot rollers and the feel of moving, voluminous hair. She then wanted me to tell her what I would do if she hadn’t said anything.

Guess what? She needed to go short and blonde. She dragged her feet and was extremely indecisive. There was more going on here than just a haircut. After much repetitious dialogue, I pulled out my last stop, which usually goes something like, “Well, you flew all the way here for a makeover. You can go home looking basically the same or you can look great. Which do you want?”

“To look great”, she replied tentatively.
“Then you need to let go and let me make it happen.”

Letting go

She agreed but with trepidation, which is not the best way to begin a new look. So, with more than a little concern, I spun her away from the mirror and began to cut her hair. First the nape, then the sides. When I turned her back toward the mirror, she began to cry.
“What’s wrong?” I asked while taking deep, cleansing breaths.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she whispered “I’m crying because I love it! It’s as if you’ve unlocked part of me that has been missing for years!”

With a sigh of relief, I turned to those pretending they weren’t really looking and said, “Happy tears, tears of joy. Chat amongst yourselves.”

Months later she sent me this letter:

Dear Christopher,
On the 15th of January of this year, I came to your salon for the thrill and fun of a makeover. Little did I know you would work a ransom. Over the years, some forty-six of them, a cry has gone on inside me for just the right look, the one that would suit who I was. As I sat in your chair that Saturday morning, you worked your expertise and I began to cry: You were working a magic that made me feel like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. I am so grateful to you. It may have been simply a pairing of face shape to hairstyle on your side of the chair, but on my side it was a touching of the soul.

Sending ourselves mixed messages

Like many, this woman was in denial. Her mind was mixed with messages of aging gracefully vs. fighting it every step of the way. But at some point, often in my chair, a woman is literally face-to-face with reality. Her self-esteem and self-image inseparably intertwined.

Studies confirm that strong self-esteem determines in large part our personal and professional fulfillment. Certainly, we all have good days and bad days, and days when we feel more assured than others. But managing the image you reflect in the mirror better equips you to face the day with confidence.

There is something magical that happens when you look right. You stand taller, your best self seems to come out naturally. You laugh easier and are less self-conscious. The problem is, as we age, it is more and more difficult to define you. It was easy to be you when you looked like you. But you have changed. And with that change comes uncertainty. To look right, you need to know what right is for you. And what is right is what reflects who you are now – your best self at the moment.

Finding what’s right for you

One of the first questions I ask a woman who sits in my chair is, “What do you want this haircut to say about you?” I want to know how she sees herself. I have discovered something in this questioning process. Many women just do not know for sure. They want my opinion on what will look best. That gives me about three minutes to determine who they are. What I know will look best is not necessarily what will feel best to them.

Many women are not giving the message of who they are, because they have not, for various reasons, sat down and figured it out. Often, they just haven’t changed their style to match their growth as a woman. I often hear women say, “I like who I am, just as I am.” Ok, great. But do people see who you are when you walk into a room? Being who you are is one thing, but letting others see who you are takes a little more thought.

If I took a photo of you right now and passed it around asking for words that describe you, would they be the adjectives you’d want to hear? If you want to be appreciated for who you are, it helps to present those qualities in how you look. No matter how our lives change, or how unimportant it seems to make the effort, people who see us deserve to appreciate us without having to spend hours figuring it out.

Source: christianwomentoday