(by Suzanne Benner)
It happens to a lot of women. While blonde most of their lives, the years had washed their hair into a shade that can now hardly even be classified as "dirty blonde." So when someone asks, "Is that your natural color?" a problem arises. You see, they still think of themselves as blonde, although it's plain enough to see that any traces of blonde have long since disappeared.
Perhaps we all have an image of ourselves that we created, framed and immortalized in our minds at an early age. We cling to it tenaciously.
The idea of putting on a few pounds and getting a few gray hairs or wrinkles is threatening, if not appalling. Not that this is pure vanity. I think my mother looks beautiful with her extra pounds and gray hair and wrinkles. But, in my mental picture, she has always been old. I, on the other hand, have always been young.
And what about those things that are less superficial? I used to be active with endless energy. Now, with Crohn's disease, everything is measured. Work around the house, day-long hikes or tearing around with the kids do not come without cost or consequence.
The crisis
The problem is: I like who I was! Why do I have to accept that I've changed? Truth is, I have changed. Like it or not, I'm no longer who I used to be, nor can I do what I used to do. The crisis comes when my identity and worth are based on a perception that is no longer true.
It's easier to accept changes I have instigated myself, than to yield to those beyond my control. If I embark on a program to become more physically fit, I can think of myself as athletic. If I choose to go to university, I can see myself as educated. If, on the other hand, I have an accident that results in chronic pain, it's much harder to accept that I'm also the one who can no longer do all the things I used to do.
A resemblance of who I am
What if who I was - that image I have in my brain that defines me - isn't quite right? What if it is only a shadow, a likeness, a resemblance of who I really am? What if I haven't yet discovered who I really am? Soren Kierkegaard said, "And now, with God's help, I shall become myself." How can I become myself? It is possible only when I realize that I am not yet who I was meant to be. Not that I have somehow been wrong all these years-that my personality, or that the way I do things is not good enough - but rather that I've always felt a little uncomfortable in my shell. It hasn't ever fit quite right, because my shell is merely a poor reflection; it's not me.
"Who am I?" is a question that has plagued mankind for ages. Women have quit jobs, left families and embarked on journeys-all in the name of solving that dilemma. The problem is, I don't think it's the right question.
The right question
Perhaps the question is not, who am I, but rather, who am I meant to be? You see the answer is not inside me. The inquiry should not even be directed toward me. I did not make myself. I was created by Almighty God; created in a specific way for a specific reason (neither of which I fully understand). Thus I must go to God and ask, "Who was I meant to be? What did you have in mind when you created me? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to live? What is your plan for my life?"
My resistance to letting God change me into the person I was meant to be, has to do with simply being used to the way I am. Although it's not a particularly good fit, it's the only shell I know and without it, I feel rather naked.
Yet when those questions fill my heart with yearning, I sense that only in seeking God's answers and being released from my immature mental image, can I find what I'm really looking for: satisfaction, fulfillment and peace.
God wants to be our leverage in living, empowering us to feel better about ourselves, more excited about our future, more grateful for those we love and more enthusiastic about our faith.
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you live life according to His perfect plan.
Source: christianwomentoday
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